Tuesday.
Jim sat in a corner of the canteen stirring his coffee aimlessly as he ignored the hustle and bustle of Sun Hill life going on around him. A small shadow cast over his table and he glanced up to meet the smiling eyes of Honey Harman. "Hiya." He muttered, casting his eyes back to the pattern the spoon made in his coffee.
"Now that is an interesting aura." She smiled as she slid into the seat opposite him.
He looked up at her and forced a smile. "I'm really not in the mood Honey."
"I can tell. You're a funny one, Jim Carver, your aura's are like nothing I've ever encountered, they change like the wind. Yours at the moment, it's alternating. Dark and desolate one moment, then, glowing..."
"Sounds about right." He brought his cup to his lips and sipped at it, grimacing as it was stone cold.
"Something's happening to you, you're in a period of transition, facing a major change, not like anything you've ever experienced."
"Right again." He smiled. "Major changes afoot."
"Well..." She leaned in. "What could it be... you're not leaving Sun Hill, are ya?" She looked up, worried.
"*I'm* not leaving Sun Hill..."
"What, what have you heard?" Honey grinned, leaning in closer, momentarily distracted.
"I shouldn't say..." He glanced around the room. "But I suppose it will be public knowledge soon enough..."
"I won't tell a soul."
"June and I had a huge row - she's leaving."
"What, no? She can't do that...."
"She can and she will... doubt we'll be seeing her again... not that I want to."
"No... no, she's got to stay." Honey looked concerned. "This isn't right...she *has* to stay."
"She's already resigned and she's going off sick until her notice is over." He glanced up at her. "Best for all concerned I think."
"Maybe..." Honey looked at Jim. "That would explain your desolation, but that's not all. I'm sensing you're... trapped. You feel like you can't get out of a situation you're in but the other side of you wants to embrace it..." Her eyes widened. "Oh, my god, I've got it! You're going to have a baby!" She almost shouted.
"Shush." He hung his head. "Well not me personally, but yeah Marie's pregnant."
"And what's so wrong about that? You should be shouting it from the rooftops, you've created a new life. Oh, Jim, congratulations." She circled the table and hugged him tightly, just as Tony Stamp passed. "Moved on to your latest victim, have you Jim?" He growled.
"Sod off Tony." Jim muttered.
"My pleasure." Tony rolled his eyes. Honey grinned. "You have to tell them, go on." She nudged him. "They'll be happy for ya."
"Yeah right, you saw how Tony reacted to just seeing me... everyone round here hates me. Maybe *I* should leave."
"No, Jim, you're knocking everything out of alignment. If you don't tell 'em, I will."
Jim looked up at her and shrugged, returning to stirring his coffee.
Honey straightened. "Can I have everyone's attention please!" She called. "Jim's got an announcement to make." She thumped Jim's shoulder, hard.
"Ouch!" He muttered as Honey dragged him to his feet. His eyes flickered around the room. "Marie and I... we're... we're going to have a baby."
There was silence. No words of congratulation, nothing, gazes averted elsewhere, focused on the door of the canteen which had just swung open.
June looked up feeling uncomfortable at the silence and the tens of eyes staring at her. "What?" She muttered.
"In case you didn't hear me." Jim continued. "My wife is expecting a baby in six months time. I'm going to be a father, and... it's the best thing that's ever happened to me." His eyes met June's and all at once hardened to ice.
June locked eyes with him for a few moments as everyone in the room stared at them. Then, all of a sudden her guard slipped and she turned slowly, a loud sob escaping from her as she ran off down the corridor.
Gina Gold looked around from her place in the queue and began to head after June. Ramani De Costa jumped up from her seat and grabbed her arm. "With all due respect Ma'am, I think I should go. She's already confided in me about... things. Didn't know about this though." She added sadly.
"OK." Gina nodded. "But if you need me come and get me..." She glared over at Jim. "I could throttle him sometimes this is the second time he's done this to June."
"Yeah." Ramani ran down the corridor, just as the door to the ladies loos banged shut. He pushed it open, and found June leaning over one of the sinks, vomiting and retching.
"June, are you OK?" Ramani said softly approaching her and rubbing her back. "Did you know?"
June nodded, swallowing and wincing at the vile taste in her mouth. "I knew."
"But you didn't know he was going to do that?"
"No... he did the same thing when he got engaged. I knew then, too, didn't make it any bloody easier. It's so humiliating. And the way he looked at me..."
"I thought you two were... together?" Ramani said softly, still rubbing June's back as she leant up against the sinks.
"So... did I." June snapped bitterly.
"So it wasn't just a one night thing when you were both drunk? I haven't seen you since then."
"No... it lasted about a week. And it was..." She looked up at her reflection in the mirror. "Wonderful."
"So what went wrong?" Ramani said softly. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"You know what went wrong, he just announced it to the entire nick."
"He shouldn't have done that - that was a horrid thing to do to a friend."
"Oh...don't blame him, it's my fault." June leant over the sink, turned on the taps and splashed her face with cold water.
"How can it be your fault June?" Ramani pulled some papertowels from the dispenser on the wall and handed them over.
"When he first found out... thanks..." She wiped her face with the towels. "It was cut and dried... he'd stay with Marie and be a father to his child. I told him I didn't think I could face... seeing that... and I told him I'd leave Sun Hill."
"You're leaving us?"
"I... I don't know." She threw the towels into the bin. "This isn't all as straightforward as you might think. You wouldn't believe how complicated this all is."
"Do you want to tell me?" Ramani leant on a sink. "It might help to talk it over."
"Jim came round last night and told me that he was prepared to leave Marie and the baby."
"And you said no?"
"Yeah." June shook her head. "I said no."
"Ramani, what none of you see is that... you all think Jim and I hate each other, don't you?"
"I don't know about hate... but things aren't looking too good between you two right now."
"The only reason we're like this is because there is this one thing that we can't escape from."
"And that is?"
"That we love each other, that we can't live without each other."
"So what was that look between the two of you earlier?" Ramani walked across the room and leant on the wall opposite June. "What's happened?"
"I told him to go, I told him to go back to his wife, and... he knew I didn't mean it, but... Ramani, he was heartbroken. And when Jim Carver is heartbroken he shuts himself down. Shuts everything off, shuts everyone out."
"So he's blanking you... he seems to be trying to hurt you more, the way he announced it again when you walked in..."
"You don't KNOW Jim, alright!?" June snapped.
"Sorry..." Ramani ducked her head.
"No... no, I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do. I want to leave, want to get away, but I'm scared Jim's setting himself up to end up in a situation that he can't stand, and... someone has to be here for him."
"He doesn't deserve you June..."
"Ramani, he's been through a lot. More than you and I could possibly imagine. It's no wonder he's screwed up. But... underneath it all..." June placed a hand to her forehead and her eyes fell shut. "Maybe I'm just being selfish."
"June you're never selfish... he's hurt you *so* much but you're always there for him... most people would have left him behind by now."
"I can't. I just can't. Forget our relationship, forget the affair, he's been my best friend for so long, and... there's this bond, it's been stretched but its never snapped... maybe I just have to let him go, if that's what's going to make him happy. But... I don't think it is."
"Surely it's up to him to decide that - you can't make his mind up for him. Maybe you should talk to him about it?"
"I've tried. We can't share a civil word without arguing."
"So an argument called all this hostility?" Ramani looked over at June. "If you don't mind me asking."
"I was... I was drunk." June walked over to the cubicles, leant heavily against the wall.
"Again? June you've got to start putting yourself first..."
"I know, I know, I sobered up the moment he walked out of the door." June's face crumbled at the memory.
"You had a bad row then? It must have been because I've never seen either of you like this."
"I'm surprised the neighbours didn't call the police out." June finally managed to smile. "You know what, though?" She walked towards Ramani, lowered her voice.
"What June." Ramani placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Go on..."
"I... wanted him more right then, right then when I was screaming at him, more than I ever have before. And I'm pretty sure he felt the same way."
"Oh what I am I going to do with the pair of you?"
"There's nothing you can do, it's too late now. We're ruined everything between us, and we can be bitter and tear each other apart, and ourselves in the process, or we can try to move on."
"Are you sure you can't sit down and talk things over? Twenty years is such a lot to throw away."
"Only if it was an empty room or everything was tied down. Our temperaments... they're identical, Ramani."
"I know Jim has a temper, but I can't believe you're anything like that, you've always been so placid." Ramani smiled.
"You haven't known me for very long." June placed a hand on her arm. "I don't know, maybe we should try. We're supposed to be grown ups."
"That's up to you June... at the end of the day you know him best... I just don't like seeing any of my friends hurting the way you are."
"Thanks. I'll... go and see if he's still in the canteen." June headed to the door, and was just about to open it when someone pushed it open from the outside. "Ma'am... sorry..."
"I just came to see if you're OK June." Gina asked gently. "And I just tore a strip or two off our darling Jim."
"I'm fine, Ma'am. I've just been talking things over with Ramani, and... coming to my senses."
"So is it true then June? Are you really leaving us?"
"Wh... what?"
"Jim told me you've resigned... it's the first I've heard of it... but I thought maybe you went straight to the Super?"
"No..." She sighed. "I can't deny I thought about it, but no, I'm not resigning."
"I could swing for that man." Gina cursed. "Did you tell him you were or is he just trying to make trouble for you?"
"I told him. While I was barely able to stand up straight after six whiskies and no food. I'm sure you know what that's like."
"I most certainly do... what has he done to you June?" Gina looked up at June's tear stained face and brushed her fringe from her head. "What have you done to deserve this, eh?"
"Just followed a dream, that's all. And sometimes they turn into nightmares. And, eventually, you just have to shake yourself awake."
"I could kill him..." Gina muttered. "Really I could, maybe I should have done after the last little surprise announcement he sprung on us."
"No, Gina, please..." June shook her head. "Let Jim and I try to work this thing out... to..." She stopped as she saw Jim walk through the double doors, through the still open door of the ladies toilets.
Gina glowered at him. "And just what do you want now?" She stood protectively in front of June.
"I'm walking down a corridor, is that against the law now?"
"If June's in that corridor then yes it is."
Jim shrugged and looked over Gina's shoulder at June. "I thought you'd gone."
"Nope." June sighed. "I'm still here."
"Obviously." Jim shook his head and began to make his way down the corridor, his head low, his gait slow and deliberate. June pushed her way past Gina and ran out into the corridor. "Jim...."
"Jimmy...." She pleaded, noting the look of surprise on his face when she used that name.
"Jimmy?" What? What do you want now? Didn't you say enough last night?"
"We both said a lot of things last night..." June approached him slowly. "Jimmy....please." She touched his arm softly.
"What?" His tone was still harsh.
"Don't hate me." She looked up at him, with wide, unwavering eyes.
"I don't *hate* you..."
"Why don't we just... try to go back to where we were. Before all this, before the fire. Not pretend that what happen between us never happened, but... I want a best friend, I want... I want Jimmy Carver back."
"I think Jimmy Carver packed his bags and left a long time ago June." He leant up against the wall sighing harshly. "And I think too much was said last night for us to be friends anymore."
"Can we at least... try?"
"I really don't know June..."
"Jim, please. It's not going to do anyone any good being like this. We're supposed to be setting an example."
"Like you did last night? What you said last night hurt a lot - and I really don't know how much of it was true."
June nodded, biting her lip, determined to remain calm. "I think we were both to blame, Jim. Weren't we?" She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I am *really* sorry." She reached out to touch him arm.
He side-stepped discreetly away from June. "How much was June Ackland talking and how much was the drink talking?"
"Would you like me to remind you?" He spat.
"Jim..." She pulled her hand away. "I'm just offering you... peace and quiet and an uncomplicated life. Don't... keep on bringing back the pain."
"An uncomplicated life? For me?" He laughed harshly. "That's a joke isn't it?"
"OK... OK, I give up." June looked at him sadly. "You want to keep on living like this, stuck with the hate and the bitterness and the self pity, then... that's up to you. I know your life isn't perfect. I was just offering you a shoulder to cry on." She stepped away, heading off down the corridor.
"June..." He chased after her, dropped his hand heavily on her shoulder. "You're right..."
She spun around looking up at him slowly, not wanting to appear too eager. "Go on..."
"I don't think we can go back to being friends like before, I can't forget what you said last night, no matter how hard I try... you crossed the line... but..." He rubbed his face with his hand and glanced at her.
"But?"
"Can we be civil to each other, there's enough trouble in Sun Hill without us adding to it."
"If you can be then so can I. Just saying hello and goodbye, be able to work together if we need to, on a professional level..."
"Purely professional..."
"Sounds good to me."
"About the canteen." He muttered. "I didn't exactly expect you to walk in."
"Doesn't matter. You've got good news, you should share it."
"And everyone was *really* pleased." He rolled his eyes. "You've got a lot of friends here June. Have you really resigned?"
"No..." June smiled as she turned away. "No... Sun Hill couldn't cope without me." She strode back to Gina and Ramani who looked at her aghast.
***
A week later, an uneasy peace had fallen over Sun Hill. While Jim and June, as agreed, greeted each other when they passed each other in corridors, and June made an effort to seek him out when she needed to liase with him on a case, it was coming to her attention that he would, more often than not, send a messenger in the shape of Polly, or Cathy. It stung, but she knew that the emotions lingering from their argument were still raw, and she believed that with time, things would settle. Up in the CSU, Jim was tapping away at his keyboard when DC Eva Sharp ran in and up to him. "Jim... Jim, I've just heard, congratulations!" Eva gave a slightly bemused Jim a large hug.
"Yeah... thanks Eva." Jim frowned slightly, before a grin began to form on his face. "I'm going to be a dad."
"I know, that's great...I've just had a week off with the kids, I swear sometimes you want to throttle them, but then they say something or do something and you just know you wouldn't swap being a parent for anything. How's Marie?"
"She's really good... no morning sickness or anything."
"Really? She's what... three months gone, someone said?"
"Something like that... I don't know exactly. Guess she's just one of the lucky ones."
"Hasn't she seen a doctor? She should have had the dates figured out by now, you'll need to know a due date."
"She's been really busy at work, one of her colleagues is off so she's been covering for her." Jim sipped his coffee. "We're going to need the extra money."
"Yeah, I know, but she shouldn't be neglecting her health. No offence Jim, but she's not young."
"Yeah, I know, that's why it was such a surprise to both of us. We hadn't exactly been trying... I'll talk to her about it."
"Yeah, you do that, I mean, there's the scans, she'll probably need an amnio..."
"A what?"
"An amniocentesis test. For Downs."
"Because of her age? Or is it routine?" Jim frowned. "I don't know the first thing about all of this - I should probably buy a book or something."
"Marie should know... Jim... you two sound like you're walking into this whole thing blind." Eva tipped her head and regarded him.
"She knows what she's doing - she's already had two kids Eva. If anyone's going into this blind it's me."
"But she hasn't discussed any of this with you?"
"Not exactly..." Jim stuttered. "It's still sinking in."
"Yeah, well, it had better sink and you'd better sort yourself out cos in six months time you'll have a screaming, wriggling bundle of joy to deal with, and believe me, its no cakewalk having a newborn."
"Six months..." Jim muttered, his face filling with panic. "That's no time at all."
"I see that *that* has just sunk in." Eva smiled. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be fine, I'm just concerned that Marie isn't involving you in the pregnancy, that's all."
"I want to be involved, really I do... you know how I feel about kids."
"Then I suggest you talk to her." Eva straightened and regarded him seriously. "Don't let her shut you out, OK?"
"I won't - I'm not letting her go through this on her own. I'll talk to her about it tonight - might even stop off and buy myself a book on the way home."
"Good... and if you want to know anything, just ask. I don't claim to be an expert but... let's just say I read a lot of books too."
"And you've got two adorable terrors of your own." Jim grinned.
"I can just picture a miniature you." Eva laughed. She looked at Jim and laughed out loud, then pivoted and walked away.
"What's so funny about that?" Jim pouted.
"Nothing, honest." Eva stopped at the door and winked back at him. "Nothing at all."
***
That evening, Jim arrived home around six, hanging his coat in the hall and going straight into the living room, where, predictably, Marie was sitting watching one of her shows. In his hand he clutched a carrier bag, the contents of which he tipped onto the table.
"Been shopping Jim?"
"Yeah, well, thought I'd better educate myself." He held up one of the books, a paperback on "First Time Fatherhood".
"Didn't know you like reading?" Marie frowned. "Does us a favour love, make me a cuppa, I'm done in."
"In a moment, I need to ask you a few things." Jim stopped, and his brow crinkled into a frown.
"What love?" Marie rubbed her stomach.
"Can I smell cigarette smoke?"
"Don't know can you? You know I don't smoke."
"Yeah...right, must be on my clothes or something..." Jim looked down, away from her. "Marie, you have seen a doctor, haven't you. You haven't told me anything about the pregnancy since you told me you did the test."
"I haven't had time Jim, I've been working double shifts as you well know. I'm an old hand at this anyway."
"But it's important. We need to know when the baby is due, and there are scans and all sorts of things, you should know that."
�Why do you care?�
"Because I'm the baby's father?" Jim looked at her, incredulous.
"Sorry, it's just that Ben and Sonia's father never took an interest in my pregnancy, never came near me once I started putting on weight..."
"You know I won't do that." Jim reached for her hand and squeezed it. "And you're my wife, you have your health to think about too - maybe you should stop work."
"You know we can't afford that - children aren't cheap."
"Neither can we afford to have you getting ill. Or losing the baby. Marie, we can manage."
"I'm past the first three months now, the risk is a lot less... and the more I work now, the more maternity leave I can take when the baby's born."
"Simple as that, eh?" Jim shook his head, began slipping the books back into the bag.
"Well not quite, any chance of that cuppa?"
"If you're so independent, you can get one yourself." Jim snapped, a sudden wave of insecurity building up inside him.
"What's eating away at you?" Marie rolled her eyes.
"This doesn't feel right. You don't involve me, then when I try to be interested, get involved you dismiss my concerns and change the subject."
"You're just being overprotective of me, I know that. I'm just not used to it like I said."
"No... there's something more." Jim stood and crossed the room to the window. "I want you to go to the doctors and get this pregnancy confirmed."
"You don't believe me?" Marie snapped.
"You took *one* test, Marie."
"Yes, and it was positive."
"So you say."
"You don't believe me do you?" She shouted. "I have been pregnant before, I do know the signs."
"Then explain to me why you didn't involve me in the test, why you didn't tell me you thought you might be pregnant. I thought were supposed to be a couple."
"I wanted it to be a surprise... I didn't want to get your hopes up if it was going to be negative... I know how much you want to be a daddy."
"Yeah, I do. But I've had got my hopes up before and had them shattered, I can live with that. Sometimes I..."
"Sometimes you what?"
"I wonder if you even know me at all."
"Of course I know you." Marie stood and walked over to him, embracing him tightly. "You're my husband... I love you."
"We didn't ... we never had enough time to really get to know each other."
"So we're still learning... what's wrong with that." She looked up and kissed him softly.
"Maybe I don't like what I'm learning." He moved away from her.
"What are you trying to say?"
"I just need you to put my doubts to rest. Marie, I know I should trust you, but... I... I don't think we left it long enough to really learn anything about each other, at least not enough for me to trust you implicitly."
"What can I do put your mind at rest... tell me and I'll do it. I love you Jim, I want you to know that."
"Go to the doctor. Let me go with you."
"We'll make an appointment in the morning." Marie smiled, then cast her head downwards.
"Good...what? What's wrong?"
"I just don't like doctors that's all." Marie shrugged.
"You have to go, and I'll be with you."
"You will, my big brave Jim."
"Marie... I want to say something, and I don't want you to get mad, I just have to get this out into the open."
"Go on..."
"I think we got married too soon."
"What are you trying to say? You want a divorce?"
"No... no... I'm just saying... there's a lot we need to learn about each other, and I don't know if we're going to like it."
"Fine." Marie snapped. "You really know how to reassure your pregnant wife don't you? Anything else you'd like to bring into the open?"
Jim stared out of the window for the longest time. "No. Nothing."
"Are you sure? No skeletons in your closet, secret love children, affairs?" She laughed ironically casting her mind back to the photos she had found. "No you're not the type are you?"
"How would you know?!" Jim lurched away from her. "How the hell would you KNOW?"
"Guilty conscience?"
"What is it Marie, cant you cope with the fact that I don't fit into a stereotype from one of your TV shows? Your reality, Marie, the way you see it, is from those pathetic staged fights and witless Americans who air their dirty laundry for everyone to see for cash. That's your reality. Try doing my job for twenty years, you'll know what reality is."
"Here we go again... you're not a police officer, you don't understand life. I've had it up to here with that Jim... if you want to be married to the job, find yourself a copper and marry her. Me? I'm going to bed, carrying *your* child around is making me tired."
"You know something, Marie. If it wasn't for that... baby... I'd be out of that door and I wouldn't come back."
"So go, I'm not stopping you?"
"I told you what's stopping me. Unless, you're admitting..."
"Admitting what?" Marie spun round to glare at him. "Are you accusing me of lying?"
"I thought we'd been over that. I want to trust you but I can't. I'm just like that, Marie, and like I said I don't really know you. I thought that was good, to start off with, no expectations, but now, there's something to be said for someone who really knows who you are."
"I wonder who you could be talking about this time? Look, if it makes you happy I'll go and see the doctor as soon as I can get an appointment."
"Please. Marie, if I have that reassurance I promise I will be with you and support you. We can work at this... I know it's not perfect right now... but I can... make myself..." He shook his head, turned and grabbed his jacket.
"Make yourself what? Come back Jim, we'll sit down, talk over your fears." She slid down onto the sofa, patted the cushion beside her. "Don't walk out."
"I can't do this, Marie."
"Do what?" She sighed.
"I can't be near you tonight."
"Why not? And besides, where are you going to go?"
"I don't know."
"Stay... please Jim."
"Alright, but please, just leave me alone." His voice cracked and he headed up the stairs at a pace.
"Whatever you want Jim." Marie called after him, then shook her head. "There's something going on..." She muttered. "And I'll find out exactly what it is."
................. on to Part Nine
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