As the night began to draw in, June sat curled up on the sofa in her dressing gown. Her only stop on the way home had been at the supermarket, where she had purchased a large bottle of whiskey. Once home she had flung herself down onto the sofa and began to drink. The tears had never stopped streaming down her face from when she had left the yard, a photo of her and Jim that had been hidden away in a drawer lay smashed on the floor beside her. Toto was on her lap looking up at her tear stained red face, rubbing his head softly against her hand in a vain attempt to provide comfort. As she leaned forward to pour herself another glass she caught a glimpse at her reflection in the glass topped coffee table, her hair was a mess from where she had tugged at it early whilst sobbing. She shook her head and downed the contents of the glass.
She was vaguely aware of the fact that she hadn't eaten all day, that that fact was accentuating the dizziness and vague nausea that was beginning to assail her. Deep down, the sensible, strait-laced June Ackland was nagging away at her, telling her that she was pathetic, should sort herself out, should never let a man get to her in this way, but as it was, the lonely, heartbroken � devastated June Ackland was winning the fight for her conscience. She looked at the empty bottle, saw it was all but empty and placed it to her lips, swigging back the last of the thick brown liquid.
For a split second she wondered what Jim was doing at this moment in time. She glanced up at the clock, her eyes completely unfocused as she attempted to read the time. Giving up she sighed, and dropped her head back against the plump sofa cushions, her eyes slowly falling shut. Despite her best efforts, she failed in the fight to keep her eyes open and soon was asleep, her head at an uncomfortable angle.
Around half an hour later, the silence was shattered by someone leaning on her doorbell, the buzzing sound cutting through her brain like a pneumatic drill. Her eyes shot open, and she placed her hands to her temples. "Go away, please god go away...." She muttered.
The room fell silent for a moment, and June closed her eyes once more. Again the doorbell buzzed loud, this time for longer and she cringed, covering her ears with her hands. "Go away..." She muttered weakly, lying down on the sofa and covering her head with a cushion.
For a moment, things fell silent, then she jumped as there was a knocking against the window behind her. She sat up suddenly, her face falling as she saw Jim outside, his expression pleading, and then, muffled by the double glazing heard him beg her to let him in.
She glared at him angrily. "Go away." She shouted, then winced as her head began to throb again.
"I'm not leaving."
"Then you'll be there a long time."
"Fine. But I am NOT leaving until we sort this out. I'm not letting you throw away your career."
"Whatever." June turned her back to him, ruffling the fur on Toto's head.
"June... please..." His voice shook, cracking, then he turned away and simply sat down on the grass outside the window, placing his head in his hands.
June looked up again, noticing that he had gone. Curiosity as to whether he had actually left or had merely got the better of her and she attempted to get to her feet. As she stood, the room span around her and her stomach lurched. She dropped herself back down onto the sofa cursing herself loudly.
She sucked in a deep breath, again pushed herself to her feet and this time rode through the ensuing head rush. She looked out through the window, and saw Jim sitting there, wiping his face with his hand. She knew better than anybody how stubborn he could be, and although she didn't particularly want to see him, she knew that if she didn't he would keep his promise and remain there indefinitely.
She fumbled with the window catch for what seemed like forever, her fingers refusing to co-operate with fuzzy brain. Finally it swung open. "Go home Jim." She muttered, as the cool air rushed in and swamped her body.
"No. I can't accept that this is it between us."
"You'll have to learn..." Her words came out slurred. "I've written my letter of r-resignation. I'll hand it in tomorrow. In 28 days I'll never have to look at you again."
"June..." Jim jumped to his feet. "You can't DO that!"
"Already done..."
"June, you're the best copper I've ever known, you can't throw it all away, I won't let you!"
"You can't stop me. And with all the leave I have owing... remember we were saving it up for a holiday together..." She laughed harshly. "I can be out of your hair next week."
"June, just let me in... the neighbours... they'll call the... they'll call the police."
"They won't care... nobody cares..."
"June, for god's sake!" Jim raged, clamping a hand to his forehead.
"Don't pretend you care, go home to your magical wife."
"I DO care! What do you think the last few days were about!"
"You just wanted a casual screw - was your wife not satisfying your needs?" June spat.
"You know it's not like that. Look deep inside yourself June, and tell me that you really think that's all it was."
"I don't know what to think anymore, you've screwed me up one too many times."
"I never meant to...." He stopped suddenly, his face turning brilliant white. "Oh god..."
"What?"
"What have I done to you?" He shook his head slowly. "What have I..." He slumped again to the floor.
"Don't think this is all about you. I don't need your pity... the world does not revolve around you Jim Carver, not matter how much you want it to."
"Then what else is there, June? What else?"
"Just go home." She slammed the window shut and slid down onto the floor.
Again there was silence, and she thought he had gone. But then she heard a key sliding into the lock of her front door, heard it squeak open.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She hissed as the door cracked open.
"June... I'm sorry, I still had a key. I can see the state you're in and I don't think you should be alone."
"Put the key down and leave." Her tone was flat. "Get out of my sight."
He looked down at the empty whiskey bottle. "Have you eaten?"
"That's got nothing to do with you."
"You know what, June?" He looked at her, stuffing his hands into his pockets.
"Do I want to?" She hugged her knees up to her chest.
"You sound exactly like me when I was drinking. People offered me help and I threw it back in their faces too."
"Maybe you've turned me into you then. Well done Jim... do you want a prize?"
"I'll be damned if I'm going to let you follow the same route."
"My life has *nothing* to do with you. You've made sure of that." She looked up at him, her eyes filled with venom. "Go home to your wife who you obviously love so much... and your unborn child. Go to someone who cares, because I sure as hell don't..."
"You don't mean that, and I know you don't."
"You don't know me at all... and I certainly don't know you."
"June... what do you want me to DO?!" He screamed at her. "If you want me to leave Marie, alright, I'll leave!"
"So you can pile the guilt onto me? No! You wouldn't do that anyway. Go back to your perfect little family... go and screw some more lives up."
"June, I WOULD, I would do it for you if it would make things...make YOU better."
"Who says I'd have you back anyway?" She stumbled to her feet and headed towards the front door using the wall as support. Reaching out for the handle, she eventually located it and wrenched the door open. "Go on... get out of my sight."
"June, if you want to know the truth, when it comes down to it, having a baby with Marie was my biggest nightmare. She's already screwed up two of her children... why do you think I haven't touched her for three months, more!"
"Stop lying - she's having your child - and I pity it." She snorted. "The progeny of an alcoholic and a control freak, what a way to start out in life."
"I'm not LYING!" Despite himself, his hackles raised against this personal onslaught. "I HATE Marie, the thought of spending another eighteen years with her... but it's NOT the baby's fault! None of us ask to be BORN, June!"
"With you as a father and her as a mother - that child will soon be praying for a way out." She slammed the door shut, turning to glower at him and jumping as the bang reverberated around the house.
"June... I grew up without a father. You know that."
"So?"
"So... look how I turned out."
"A screwed up little man who draws people into his web then ruins their lives. You deserve Marie..."
"Maybe I do." Jim swallowed, looked away. "But you're not exactly perfect yourself, are you, June Ackland. I mean - look at yourself."
"I never claimed to be perfect - that's the difference between us."
"And when did I?"
"You swan around like you're the bees knees, why I feel for you in the first place I'll never know..." She looked him up and down. "So go on, you were saying... tell me what's so bad about me."
"You... you're scared."
"No I'm stupid. Stupid for falling for you."
"No, June, you're scared. You've ALWAYS been scared. Scared of your father, scared of everyone at Sun Hill, always hiding behind others, blaming them for your lonely life."
"Is that the best you can come up with?"
"I think that's quite a lot, since THAT is the reason that we didn't get together all those years ago, even though you profess to have loved me then."
"Maybe I had more sense back then... and if you loved me so much all those years ago..." She stormed up to him, prodding him in the chest. "Why did you not make a move?"
"*I* DID!" He leant in close to her, tendons bulging in his neck.
"Yeah after nineteen years, what about all those years you claimed to have loved me?" She fumed. "Or does it take nineteen years for Jim Carver's brain to process a single thought?"
"You said no, what else was I supposed to do? What was it June, was I too young, or was it because I'm not Catholic, or what, June? Tell me. Go on!"
"When did I ever say no to you?"
"When I asked you out. You can't even remember that." His chin trembled.
"You weren't being serious back then." June laughed.
"You might not have thought that but I was a kid... you... you never took me seriously."
"What do you want me to say... that it's all because you're not Catholic? That I should have settled down with a nice Catholic man - well maybe I should have... he might have treated me better. And why should I take you seriously... you're a joke."
"You LOVED this joke. As little as three days ago, you LOVED this joke. So what the hell does that say about you?!"
"I really don't know Jim." She shook her head. "Maybe I was just blind to it all."
"Blind to what?"
"What an utter creep you really are. I was so blinded by the fact that someone was chasing me round like a love sick puppy that I let myself believe in it."
"It was true. All of it, it was true."
"Until the next victim came along..."
"If you think you can pretend that none of this, none of this is down to you then YOU are deluding yourself. You paint me as the great villain, expect me, expect EVERYONE to feel sorry for you. You didn't give a DAMN about what I wanted."
"Like you gave a damn about *me*? What did I do to you that was bad you had to keep coming back and destroying me again and again." Tears welled in her eyes and she wiped them away furiously. "Was it all some joke to you? Get June Ackland into bed... break her heart..."
"You... you pushed me too far." He turned away from her, leant against the banister.
"I didn't do anything." June stated simply. "I did nothing except fall in love."
"When you asked me to marry you."
"Ahh the biggest mistake of my life... sorry the second biggest..."
"Was it really?" He turned to face her, forcing her to lock eyes with him. "Was it REALLY?"
"Yes..." She spat. "And do you want to know what the biggest mistake was?"
"Why ask me when you're going to tell me anyway?" Jim fumed.
"Sleeping with you in the first place. I've had better... better... you're a waste of time."
"So..." He smiled a humourless smile. "So you lied, did you? Every time. You faked it did you?"
"Like you'd know the difference..."
"I KNOW. I know what it was like and it wasn't how you're painting it to be."
"Oh you know do you? Listen to him... he thinks he's Casanova..." She laughed harshly. "Just because two women were stupid enough to sleep with you at the same time."
"Is that what you think? You think that I was sleeping with Marie when I was still with you?"
"Go on then... look my in the eye and tell me you haven't slept with Marie for, what was it, months?" She spun to face him again.
"I haven't..." He tried to place his hands on her shoulders but she jerked away, stepping back. "I haven't slept with Marie for nearly three months."
"I SAID look me in the eye and say it."
He looked straight into her eyes. "I haven't slept with Marie for nearly three months...at least, not until..." His eyes fell closed, and when they opened they were dark, regretful. "Until Friday night."
"You promised me... that's it Jim. Get your fat ugly mug out of my house before I do something I regret."
"No! Do you know WHY I didn't sleep with her? Because I COULDN'T. I physically... couldn't."
"Didn't stop you on Friday... and how many times since then." June shook her and looked at the floor. "After what we shared on Friday you left me here and slept with her... you've broken your last promise to me Jim Carver..."
"I couldn't...." Jim stared at her then turned, leaning against the cool wall of the hallway, struggling to catch his breath as everything began to hit him at once.
"I'm going to go to see my doctor tomorrow and go off sick for the rest of my notice - stress I think they call it... that way I won't have to see you *ever* again."
"June, I know you hate me but don't destroy yourself in the process..."
"Oh don't worry you about me - I've had enough of Sun Hill, enough of police work, enough of that stupid bloody uniform.... 28 days and I'm officially free."
"But I DO worry about you. What are you going to do?" He turned around, leant against the wall, crossed his arms across his chest.
"You know what Jim? For the first time in my life I don't know." She shook her head at him. "And it feels great. I'll probably get as far away from London as I can..."
"No..." Jim muttered, feeling like he's been punched in the chest. "June, no..."
"Yes, Jim I'm out of here. Away from you and these stupid games. I hope you and Marie are really miserable together, that way you regret it for the rest of your life... and don't come running to me anymore, because I don't care." She turned her back on him and walked into the lounge, sinking down onto the armchair.
A moment later he appeared in the doorway. "If you wanted to destroy me you've done it. If you wanted to kill me, you've done it."
"Like you've done to me? Tell someone who cares Jim, tell a friend... oh I forgot, you haven't got any anymore have you?" She scoffed at him.
Jim looked away, fumed. "June, when I came here I told you I would give up EVERYTHING to be with you. That I would make that ultimate sacrifice, that I would turn my back on my own child, that I would never see it, ever, if that's what you wanted. But... you've blown it, June. You want to be alone for the rest of your life, fine. You want to spend the rest of your life regretting what you know could have been so good, then fine with me." He pivoted, headed towards the door. "It's up to you, June. Say the word now and I stay. If you don't... I'll be glad never to set eyes on you again."
"And have you hate for making you do that for the rest of our lives? No thank you, Jim. I'm not going to have you make feel guilty, any decision like that should be up to you not me." She got to her feet slowly, padded to the corner of the room and picked up JimJimmy from beside the sofa, holding him out to Jim. "Take this and give it to your wife or your child. I don't want it anymore."
"It's yours. You won it." Jim turned away. "Just like you always needed to win everything. Needed to be the best, needed to be the first. That's why you didn't wait, didn't listen to me when I said I wasn't ready to marry you. You didn't take no for an answer, you never could."
"So why did you propose to *me* then? Wanted to humiliate me a bit more? Get my hopes up then drop me like a hot brick? You're not perfect Jim not by a long shot." She threw the teddy at his back watching as he turned and picked it up gently.
"I loved you, June." He walked back to her, tears streaming down her face. "Things went wrong. I never wanted it to be this way. Do you think you have said anything to me in the last few minutes that I haven't thought myself? I may be married, June, I may stay married to Marie for the rest of my days but my heart, my soul will only EVER be with you. You want to close me out, fine, but, realise I'll still be out there, wanting you."
"Maybe so but I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend everything's OK when its not... that's why I'm leaving. The move to uniform just wasn't enough." Her voice cracked as she swallowed a huge sob. "I don't want to have to watch you cooing over Marie and baby Carver - I can't... so I'm leaving... and I won't be staying in touch."
"You can't run away from what's in your heart. I gave you the chance, June."
"And you took it away again. I can't live like this."
"Took it away, how did I take it away? It's you that keeps throwing away this lifeline I'm giving you, us... saying you don't want the guilt... it's you that's doing this, not me, and I... hope you can live with that decision." He passed the bear back into her arms. "I really do."
"I'd rather live alone than with you waking up everyday regretting giving up your child. I don't need your guilt on top of my own feelings. Don't push all this onto me." She dropped the bear to the floor. "Don't make me the guilty party."
"But you are, aren't you?" Jim shook his head. "Maybe when you sober up you'll realise that. Sobriety does that to you, makes you realise what a fool you've been. I will ask you one last time. Take me back and I will NEVER ever see my wife or my baby again. And I won't feel guilty. And if I do, I won't take it out on you, blame you. This is my choice to make and I will live with the consequences. Just say the word."
"That's your decision to make not mine. I won't tell you to leave your wife." She turned her back to him, hugging herself tightly. "Just go Jim..."
"Fine. I'm glad you're leaving, because, I'm going to have to harden my heart to you. Put you aside. Forget you. Because living with the pain and the knowledge of losing you will be too hard to bear otherwise. You were my life, June Ackland. But I'll go on without you. I've got something to go on for." He left his words hanging in the air as he opened the door and closed it gently behind him.
As June heard the door click shut she sank to her knees, her entire body wracking with huge sobs that choked her and rendered her barely able to breathe. She picked up the bear, punching it angrily until her grief overcame her and she hugged it tightly, sobbing and screaming alternately as she wrapped her arms around him and curled up in a ball on the floor. "Jim..." She muttered softly. "I'm sorry..."
Jim stood at the gate, hearing June's cries, her anguish. He wanted so much to turn and go back in to comfort her, but it was too late. She had made her feelings perfectly clear, and as far as he was concerned, it was better that, in his world, June Ackland ceased to exist at all.
................. on to Part Eight
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