At the other side of Sun Hill, June lay curled up in a ball, fast asleep and dreaming of the wondrous day she had spent with Jim. There was a smile on her face as she gripped the huge teddy, JimJimmy, in her arms tightly. He'd even had managed to displace Toto from his favourite spot on the bed. Toto was curled up on the pillow beside June, eyeing the bear warily, flexing his claws in its direction.
She sighed, and woke momentarily. She squinted at Toto. "Hey, there's nothing to be scared of. Get used to it, Jim will be back soon."
Toto meeped back at her, and got to his feet, rubbing himself against her face. Her grip on the bear didn't loosen as he jumped off the bed and stalked out of the room.
"Suit yourself." June closed her eyes once more. "But I've got him this time..." She muttered. "And he is not getting away from me again..."
***
Monday morning.
June Ackland pulled into the yard at Sun Hill at 8:30am - even though it was her day off. She looked around, noted that Jim's Ford Focus was not in its usual parking slot, and let the engine fall silent, tapping her fingers reflexively on the steering wheel. Two days. Two whole days and she hadn't heard a word from Jim. Fear and concern had turned into anger and resentment and back again, reaching it's height when she had gone round to Jim's new flat to find out, from the man who was putting the "For Sale" sign back up, that the buyer had backed out on the sale just before the exchange of contracts.
She sat in the car, still drumming her fingers against the steering wheel in time to the music whilst she plotted her next move. She knew he was meant to be in the station that day, his day off for this week being Wednesday. Twice she put her hand on the doorhandle, intending to head up to CSU to find out what was going on, twice she removed it, leaving the door firmly shut.
A few moments later, she heard the familiar vague rattle of Jim's car as it pulled into the yard. She waited, sucking in deep breath after deep breath to try to calm herself, though right now she felt furious she did recognise there may be a logical explanation for all of this, and she was prepared, within reason, to give him the benefit of the doubt. She watched as he parked up, gathered some files from where they had been lying on the passenger seat, then quickly got out of her car and crossed over the yard. He didn't notice her until he had locked the car and turned, fighting to keep the files from slipping from his grip. He looked up, jumping physically. He tried to push past her, but June put out an arm. "What the hell has been going on?"
"June..." His eyes flicked around the yard as he avoided looking at her.
"I think we need to talk, don't you?"
"I'm late as it is."
"Jim, you OWE me that much." She glared at him.
He glanced at his watch and shrugged. "Does it have to be now?"
"Why, you want to avoid me for another day?"
"I've been busy..."
"Busy doing what? Moving into your new flat?" June snapped.
"That fell through." Jim moved uncomfortably from one foot to the other.
"A phone call would have been nice. Even a text message, anything." She sighed. "Jim, I've been worried about you and I think you owe me some kind of an explanation. I don't want to wait any more."
"It's been a mad weekend... first the flat, then..."
"Then what?" June gestured to the comfort and privacy of his car and he shrugged and unlocked the doors, bundling himself in next to June.
"My mobile's been playing up." He shrugged again.
"Jim..." Her eyes fell shut. "I believe you about the flat, but that's no problem, I can lend you some money for a B&B or you can stay in my spare room."
"I don't want your money... and I don't want to impose on you."
"So you'd rather stay with her? I thought she was stifling you."
"Things..." He swallowed harshly, casting his eyes to his hands as he picked at his nails. "Things have changed."
"What's changed. What... have you decided you don't love me... again?" She looked away, out of the window, refusing to look at him.
"Of course I love you..."
"Why is it getting more and more difficult to believe that?" She fingered the locket hanging around her neck. "Every time I think something is finally going to happen, that things are going to be good - you do this."
"I don't mean to keep hurting you." He glanced over at her. "But things are out of my control this time."
"Everything is out of your control, isn't it? You're never to blame for anything, are you?" She glared at him.
"You're better off without me June. Honestly." He rubbed his face with his hand. "Everytime you let me into your life I end up hurting you... I don't mean to, but..."
"Jim... Jim, just tell me the truth. There's nothing you can say that will hurt me more than I've already been hurt by you this year."
"Marie's pregnant." The words tumbled out of his mouth quickly and he cast he gaze out of the side window. "I'm sorry." He muttered.
June stared at him for a long moment, then simply shook her head and looked away. "Right." She muttered.
"I can't change the past June."
June shrugged, refusing to answer, gazing at her recently manicured nails.
"Just say something June..." He sighed, tears in his eyes. "I can't leave her now can I?"
"No."
"No I can't leave her, or no you won't talk to me?"
"What is there to say?" She shrugged, looking up to him. "What is there that I could possibly say that would make you change your mind?"
"Tell me you understand..."
"I can't tell you that so you'll believe it. Half of me does understand but half of me doesn't."
"I'm sorry. I was about to tell her about us when she told me her news."
"And you're sure she doesn't know about... us..." June's words came out in a rush. "Sorry, I... just give me a minute." She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose.
"No I don't think she does." He looked at June intently. "I don't deserve your forgiveness."
"You don't need to be forgiven. You haven't done anything wrong, have you?"
"We haven't slept together in weeks... not since things started going wrong... maybe this is a sign."
"Don't make it worse, Jim." June raised her hands to him, gulping back a sob. "You want to know how I feel, well...I don't understand why you're sentencing yourself to another eighteen years with a woman who makes you miserable... but I do understand that you're just...following your dream."
Jim looked at her and shrugged. "You know I always wanted children."
"Yeah. I do. And I..." She stopped, looked away from him, out of the window once more. "That was always going to be the thing that would end us. Ultimately. Deep down I think we both knew it."
"No... no June. I would have sacrificed having children to have you..." He reached for her hand, sighing as she ripped it away from him.
"No, no you wouldn't. Don't forget that I know you. I know you better than you know yourself and this, THIS is what you've always wanted."
"No... if I was with you, children wouldn't matter. Honestly June." Tears pricked at his eyes.
"If you meant that, you'd walk away from Marie. And the baby."
"I can't walk out on that child, you have to understand that. If there was no child, I'd leave Marie right now... but there is, it's a part of me, it needs me."
June shook her head, swallowed harshly. "I don't want to hear it, Jim."
"Then I don't know what else I can say... I'm sorry June - I never meant to hurt you, never meant for this to happen."
"So where does this leave us?"
"You tell me." He turned to her.
"I want to hate you, so much."
"If it makes you feel better... you know I still love you though."
"You know what, Jim." June placed her hand on the inner handle of the car door. "Don't bother."
"Please June..." He begged. "Don't leave it like this."
"Then what else do you suggest we do?" She yelled back at him, her eyes full of stinging tears.
"I don't know." He shrugged defeatedly. "Just understand that I never wanted to hurt you."
"That's funny, because that's just what you keep on doing."
"Maybe that's who I am - I can't seem to do anything without it going wrong. Screwing someone's life up."
"You've created a life. Nothing wrong with that."
"It's just with the wrong woman..." He muttered into the window.
"You'll stay with her though. You'll sacrifice your own needs and desires to stay with her and be with your baby. Because that's the kind of person you are."
"And now you hate me... I deserve it."
"Jim, stop it, stop hating yourself so much."
He shrugged again, refusing to look at her as he tapped his fingers on the dashboard.
"I'm not going to argue with you because I know you've already made up your mind. There's just some things you have to know."
"And I suppose you're going to tell me..."
"You can't run away from everything that hurts you, Jim, just sometimes you have to face it."
"What do you mean by that?" He glanced up at her through damp eyes.
"You can't always avoid the truth, or the consequences of the things you've done."
"I'm not shirking my responsibilities - that's the whole point of me staying with Marie."
"I didn't say you were. Jim, I understand... you're going to be a father, and... I can't compete with that. I can't even begin to. You're going to have something I've only ever dreamed of."
"I just wish it was with you."
"You know as well as I do that's impossible." She laughed ironically.
"Maybe if we'd admitted our feelings to each other sooner this could have been us."
"Our feelings?" She shot a look at up him.
"Yes *our* feelings." He said bitterly.
"Don't bring that up, you know how things were."
"Things could have been different."
"Yes, Jim, they could have been, but they're NOT are they?!"
"I'm sorry..." He looked away once more.
"Stop saying that." She sighed. "Jim, you have to understand that I still love you. I can't stop. God knows I've tried. And I'm not going to stay here and watch you parade Baby Carver about."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm getting out of here. Out of Sun Hill."
"You can't." He looked at her incredulously.
"Why not... give me one good reason?!"
"Your life is here, your friends..."
"Maybe. But you're here, and..." She sighed, reaching round to the back of her neck and undoing the locket. She pooled the gold chain into her hand.
"I bought that for you..."
"I don't want it. But it was a nice thought. Like the thought I'd finally have you."
"Please keep it." He pushed her hand away.
"No, Jim. It's over. You've made your decision. I'm not going to wait for you or keep on hoping."
"I'm not asking you to. It was a present... keep it."
"No, Jim." She grabbed his hand, dropped the chain into it, and closed his fingers around it. "I don't want anything else from you."
He looked away as a tear slid down his cheek. "I guess this is it then."
"Yeah. I'll get out of your life, and..." She sighed deeply. "I hope you and Marie and Ben and the baby are very happy together."
"Thank you."
"I only ever wanted you to be happy." She said, cursing as her voice shook.
"I was happiest when I was with you." His voice cracked.
"Then why..." She looked out of the window, her head bowing as she sobbed.
"I only wish I knew..." Tears rolled freely down his face.
"Do you see why I have to go?" She wiped at her face. "Can you understand how I can't be near you?"
"I suppose... I don't want you to go though."
"It's the only way."
"Are you sure?"
"There are no other options. I'll apply for a transfer."
"Sleep on it - you might feel differently tomorrow."
"No. No I won't." She straightened her seat. "It's been good knowing you and we've had some good times but there comes a point when you just have to say goodbye."
"And this is that point." He reached out for her hand. "Will you stay in touch?"
"No, Jim." She pulled her hand away and opened the car door.
"Never?" He voice cracked as her word sunk it, the finality of it all hitting him.
"No. Never. It's for the best."
"Maybe for you." He muttered dryly.
"No, for you. Go be a father, Jim. I'm sure you'll be great and any child will be lucky to call you Dad."
"Nothing I can say will change your mind, will it?"
"Only..." She swallowed harshly. "Only if you could look at me now and tell me truthfully that you'll leave her and the baby behind and come back to me."
He looked up, met her eyes, then turned his head away. "You know I can't do that."
"Yeah. I know." She nodded slowly. "You see?" She reached out, touched his face lightly. "I forgot to say congratulations."
"You don't mean it... you're only saying it out of duty."
"It's what you've always wanted. Me, I was always second...third even." She pushed the door open and got out of the car.
"No, you were first..."
"And you're only saying *that* out of duty."
"I'm not. What makes you think you could ever be third? What could come before you?"
"Marie."
"No." He punched the steering wheel. "Never."
"Jim, you married her." June slammed the door in his face.
"But I loved you..." He muttered, tears streaming down his face as he looked into the mirror, watching June as she stalked back over to her car and flung the door open. "I love *you*."
June got back into her car, throwing herself into the front seat. Fighting back floods of tears that were making her chest and throat ache, she started the car and pulled away, not even glancing towards Jim, who had got out of his car and was watching her leave, his face white and wet with tears.
................. on to Part Seven
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