June threw a five pound note in the direction of the taxi driver as she practically fell out of the cab. Her tears flowed freely now she was on her own as she stumbled up the path to her front door. She cursed lightly under her breath as she struggled to insert the key in the lock, her vision distorted by the alcohol in her blood and the tears in her eyes.
Finally managing to unlock the door, she stepped inside, closing the door slowly and deliberately behind her. She leant against the cool glass in the doorway, savouring the silence for a moment, then snapping back to reality, the nauseating mix of booze and fags and sweat and sex assailing her nostrils, along with a sweeter, more familiar scent, that of Jim's aftershave.
She dropped her bag and jacket to the floor heading straight up the stairs to the bathroom, turning the shower on hot and filling the room with steam. She undressed quickly, throwing her clothes into the wash basket in the corner of the room. She stopped in front of the mirror, looking at herself and shaking her head. "You're a fool..." She muttered as she ran her hand over the skin on her shoulder, rubbing furiously at the red marks Jim had carelessly left there during their frantic liaison.
She stepped into the shower, coating her sponge with a generous amount of a citrus smelling body wash. She smoothed it over her body, but not yet satisfied, she added more, not happy until the sickly scents had gone, washing every inch of herself, watching as the physical evidence of her stupidity swirled away down the plughole. Try as she may, though, she couldn't wash away the memory of that moment, the _expression on Jim's face, his upset, his passion... couldn't wash away the love and the lust she still, even after everything, still felt for him. And she certainly couldn't wash away the fear that gnawed away at her gut, which had settled as his taillights had disappeared from her view.
Finally satisfied that she had had washed away as much physical evidence of the night away as she could without tearing her skin away, she turned off the water, watching as the remaining suds dropped away out of sight. She stepped out of the glass compartment, reaching for a huge fluffy towel which she wrapped around her body, appreciating the warmth and slight comfort it provided. She crossed the room towards the door, catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror and shaking her head once more as she saw that the water had only managed to make the mark Jim had left on her skin more apparent. A reminder of their liaison that would stay with her for days.
She padded into her bedroom, and unhooked her soft blue gown from behind the door. She slipped into it, then slipped her feet into a pair of fluffy slippers. Something didn't seem to want to let her turn and regard her large double bed, the bed in which she had Jim had spent so many exquisite nights, and instead filled her mind with thoughts of cocoa and biscuits and how hungry she was feeling.
Her trance like state ended as the door cracked open, a loud miaow filled the room as Toto entered and wrapped himself around her legs. "Hello you..." She muttered, bending down to scoop him up into her arms, burying her face into his warm fur for comfort. "I'm sorry I'm so late..." She descended the stairs and made her way to her vast kitchen. "You must be starving." She dropped him onto the floor and opened the fridge.
She pulled out a pint of milk, and reached blindly for a mug, picking up Jim's by mistake. He had left it here when he had packed that day, refusing to listen to her pleas, her declarations of love, and she had never thought to return it. She looked down, her hand tightening around it, knuckles turning white as an uncontrollable rage overtook her. Then, in a moment of madness and release, she threw it hard against the wall and watched as it shattered, the pieces scattering to the floor. "I hope you crash your stupid car, Jim Carver!!" She yelled, her voice echoing oddly in the large room.
She shook her head, gulping back a sob, as Toto wrapped himself around her ankles. "OK OK I get the idea..." She moved back to the back to the fridge, removing a tin of cat food and spooning the remains into Toto's bowl, her stomach churning at the smell from it. "That should keep you quiet for a few minutes."
She watched, crossing her arms across her chest as Toto tucked in, then got out a dustpan and brush and set about scooping up the shards of the mug. Her eyes blurred with tears and she dropped them to the floor, placing her hands to her eyes and trying to regain some semblance of composure. "I didn't mean it, Jim..." She muttered. "I didn't mean it..."
She wiped her eyes, frantically until she was able to see again and she set about picking up the shards once more, cutting her hand on a sharp piece and cursing lightly, her body crumpling with tears once more. "Look what you've done to me Jim." She wept. "I swore I wouldn't let you do this again."
Behind her, Toto looked up from his meal, then padded over, nudging her insistently, mewing then purring, trying to bring comfort. "Not just his fault, though, is it Toto?" She stood, picking him up, holding him close as she set the kettle to boil. "I wanted it. Wanted it so badly. I set myself up to be let down. I must be just as selfish as he is."
Toto purred a response as the kettle clicked off and June filled her mug with her free hand. "I'm a fool... a damn fool. I should have come home to you, you would never hurt me, would you?"
Toto purred and rubbed his face against hers, and finally she smiled. She carried him through to the lounge, settling onto the sofa, placing her comfort food on the end table. On the same table lay her mobile phone, her fingers skirted over it, her mind on overtime, should she call him to make sure he was alright? Did she care... she knew the answer to that immediately. There was no way that she would be able to relax until she knew he was safe.
She picked up the phone as Toto settled on her knee, flicked through the memory until she found his number, and hit call. A split-second later, thoughts of Jim and Marie asleep together in their bed filled her head and she hit cancel. "That would have been stupid wouldn't it Toto?" She dropped the phone back down. "Not as if I'll be able to sleep anyway." She stroked Toto's soft fur. "It's been bad enough, been so hard sleeping in that bed without him there these past months... tell me, gorgeous, how can you go on missing something this much after so much time? Can you tell me when this pain will end? Can you tell me if I'll ever look at him and feel... nothing?"
Toto licked her hand softly and purred, the vibrations from his body providing some comfort to June. She dropped her head back against the sofa and closed her eyes, her head flooding once more with the look on Jim's face as she held him so close to her earlier in the evening. The desire and lust she had seen in his eyes was so clear in her memory as she remembered the touch of his hands on her skin, the way she had felt, the way her body had responded as he made love to her. She opened her eyes, shaking herself back to reality.
"I just can't stop hoping..." She muttered. "Can't stop... I never realised how much I loved him until last year, never realised I had these feelings in me... now I've let them out, I just can't... can't let go... I can never let go..." A sob rose in her throat, choking her. "I just want him back, is that too much to ask??!"
***
Jim pulled his car up outside the house he shared with Marie. As the engine fell silent, he found he was shaking, found he couldn't even remember the drive home, remembered way too late the three pints of beer that was in his system. He cursed himself, thumping the steering wheel in frustration.
He thought back to the moment he had left June in the car park of the Tavern. The look of horror on her face when he looked into the rear view mirror as he'd screeched away. He reached for his mobile, intending to apologise, then shook his head. The last person she'd want to talk to would be him, he thought as he tucked it into his jacket pocket, besides, she was probably tucked up in bed with Toto now � she'd hate him even more if he disturbed her. He climbed out of the car, slamming the door behind him in frustration, cringing as the loud bang reverberated around the quiet neighbourhood.
He looked up at the house, noted a soft orange glow through the living room curtains. Marie must still be awake, probably glued to some terrible television programme on some obscure satellite channel, full of messed up, screaming and crying Americans. He couldn't stand those shows - his own life was messed up quite enough and worthy a Jerry Springer edition of its own. He slipped the key into the lock and walked in, shucking his jacket off and hanging it over the bottom of the stairs, gathering a breath and his composure before pushing the lounge door open. "Sorry I'm so late, love."
"Where have you been? I was worried." Marie asked, not turning her attention from the screen.
"Interview, bloke started off with two hours of no comments then told lie after lie. Broke him in the end though." He remained by the door, worried Marie would smell his breath, the cigarette smoke on his clothes.
"Come and give us a kiss then." She twisted her head towards him. "I've missed you."
"I need a bath."
"Want me to join you?"
"No, Marie, I've got a headache and I just want to be left alone in the quiet for a while, alright?"
"Fine, there's no need to snap. I was watching this anyway." She turned her attention back to the TV. "You stink of smoke by the way."
Jim rolled his eyes, not bothering to reply as her attention was absorbed by the TV show. He walked upstairs, into the bedroom and retrieved a fresh pair of blue pyjamas, then headed to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and stripped down, taking off his blue shirt, placing it to his nose, sniffing it, smelling the telltale sign of cigarettes, a smell he used to never notice but now made him feel vaguely nauseous.
The cigarette smoke only masked the smell of June's perfume which was also apparent on his shirt, along with a lipstick stain on the collar which he didn't notice. Grabbing an aerosol of deodorant from the shelf he sprayed the shirt, hoping to banish the smell of June from around him, a smell that was bringing back reams of memories. As he tossed the shirt into the wash basket, he set the tap running pouring a generous amount of bubble bath into the water.
The bath filled to his satisfaction, with a satisfying layer of bubbles on the surface, he slid into the tub, lying back, his body adjusting to the change in temperature. From downstairs, he heard Marie call out - she was shouting at the television, something which never failed to annoy him, and shut his ears out to the sound. His eyes focused on his reflection in the tap at the far end of the bath, a reflection which blurred as tears built up in his eyes.
He shook his head, muttering quietly to himself about what a fool he was, though try as he might he could not get the image of June out of his head. The look on her face as she had kissed him, the cheeky grin as she had pulled him into the darkness. He shook his head once more as he heard Marie's coarse tones shouting over and over again at the telly. June's words of seduction quietly slid back into his head drowning her out. "June..." He muttered. "Why did I ever let you go..."
"Because I was stupid..." He answered himself, sliding lower down into the hot water. Soon he was totally submerged beneath the surface of the water, eyes squeezed tightly shut, controlling his breathing as any scuba diver was taught to do in the early days of training. He remembered the last time he had done this, that day, that horrid day when Frank had arrested him, yet also that day of epiphany when he had picked up the pieces of his shattered life and had started to piece them back together. It was like a rebirth, a baptism, maybe this time would be the same.
He was disturbed from his peace by a tap on the door. "I'm going to bed, love..."
He sat up quickly, water cascading from his hair, his skin. "Alright... I won't be long." He waited till her footsteps had passed before leaning back against the porcelain. The thought of sharing a bed with that coarse, sedentary, unadventurous woman, who always wanted sex, as some kind of proof of his commitment, made him sick to his stomach. Not after what had happened earlier, that reminder of how things used to be, the adventure, the passion... He slammed his eyes shut against the world, cursing himself once more.
He was oblivious to the time passing by as he lay there, thoughts running freely through his head. Once or twice he caught himself falling asleep, his head slowly drifting into the water. Each time, however, he made no effort to move.
Some time later - he had no way of knowing when � there was a sudden rap on the door that broke the stillness and made him jump. "What... what is it?" He called out, noting belatedly the water was becoming uncomfortably cold.
"Are you asleep in there? Your phone just rang once and stopped. It's late Jim."
"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute." He finally levered himself out of the bath, dressing slowly as he watched the water gurgle away. Then, sucking in a breath, he headed towards the bedroom. "Sorry." Marie was already in bed, dressed in a revealing black nightdress. "Must have fallen asleep."
"You could fall asleep anywhere." Marie smiled. "I've been keeping your side of the bed warm."
"Yeah... thanks." He slid into bed beside her, lying down and turning away from her, clicking his bedside light to off.
Marie shuffled over to him, curling her body against his. "I missed you..."
"I was only at work." He snapped, his tone unintentionally harsh. "And I'm sure your day flew by."
"That's not what I meant..." She slid her arm over his body. "It's lonely in here without you."
"Just leave it, Marie." He slammed his eyes shut once more.
"Got a headache have we? You're in a foul mood tonight Jim." She shuffled away, turning her back to him.
"I've had a long day, and I've got court in the morning first thing."
"Work, work, work. That's all you ever talk about."
"I did have a life before you. And a lot of it involved work. I'm not going to change, so either you accept it, or..."
"Or what?"
"Nothing." He muttered into the pillow.
"Fine. Hadn't you better check your phone? Might be important." Marie sneered. "And you can tell whoever it was that they woke *me* up."
Jim sat up, looked over at her. Then he shook his head. "Forget it." He stood, walked to the wardrobe and pulled out a blanket and some pillows.
"And just what are you doing now?"
"What does it look like Marie, I'm sure they must have covered it on one of your TV shows."
"You really have got a bee in your bonnet today haven't you?" Marie sat up. "Come back, let me make it better."
"You can't make everything better through sex, Marie. You think you can, but you can't. Life's not that simple."
"Anyone would think you were getting it elsewhere." She laughed.
Jim looked at her and then pivoted and walked through the bedroom door. He padded quietly down the stairs, dropping the pillows and blanket on to the small sofa. He lay down and punched the pillow, wriggling as he tried, with little avail, to make himself comfortable. In the end he gave up, burying his head into the pillow and pulling the blanket up over it. His eyes remained wide open, staring ahead at nothing. "I can't do this anymore." He whispered. "I can't..."
................. on to Part Three
Back to Homepage Review Back to Stories