9:15am.
June was sitting in the Sergeant's office, tapping a pen rhythmically against a thick manila file. She sighed loudly and deliberately, stood, walked over to the filing cabinet, pulled out another file, then cursed loudly as some papers dropped from it onto the floor. She rolled her eyes and ducked to retrieve them, not hearing the door squeak open and not hearing anyone enter until she found herself looking at a shiny pair of heavy black shoes.
"Ma'am?" June twisted her head to see who the shoes belonged to. Her eyes met those of Gina Gold. "Can I help you?"
"Are you alright, June?"
"Fine, why do you ask?" June stood and perched on the corner of the desk.
"You've seemed edgy and nervous all morning. And..." Gina peered closer at her, making June back away slightly. "You look knackered."
"Gee, thanks." June smiled. "Just a little over indulgence with a whiskey bottle last night. You know how it is."
"Whiskey?" Gina raised an eyebrow. "Thought you were a dry white wine girl?"
"Why does everyone say that?" June shook her head. "Depends how strong we want the alcohol to be really, doesn't it?"
"And there's nothing else bothering you. I am here for you if you need to talk, you know."
"I'm OK... honest." She added, as she felt Gina's eyes burning into her.
"Well, alright... look, you should go for refs. Have yourself the blackest of black coffees."
"I don't know if I can stomach that but I'll try... Thanks ma'am."
June left her office, and started to head towards the canteen, but then stopped, bit her lip and turned back in the opposite direction, heading for the stairs by the coffee machine. She ascended them quickly, slowing as she began the familiar route to the Community Safety Unit. She pushed the door open - it was quiet, she could hear Ramani faintly murmuring to someone in the office. Jim's chair, over by the window, was empty, as she scanned the jackets on the coat stand she couldn't see any of Jim's amongst them. She felt her stomach flip, as the sound of his squealing tyres ran through her head once more. "Can I help you June?" Ramani interrupted her thoughts.
"I... I needed to see... Jim..." She stuttered, fighting against a rising wave of panic.
"Jim? He's in court all morning."
"Court... yes, of course... he has called in, hasn't he..."
"He was in first thing to pick up his notes. You know what he's like... always forgetting things."
"Yeah... of course. Thanks." She turned away, heading back towards the doors, then stopped, clamping her hand to her forehead and gulping back an involuntary sob.
Ramani jumped to her feet and crossed the room to June, sliding her arm around her as she led her into the side room. "Are you OK?"
"I'm fine. Just a hangover." She lifted her eyes to meet Ramani's. "And before you say anything, I've already heard it."
"I wasn't going to say anything. Sure it's not more than that?"
"Such as?" June cut back, her voice quivering.
"You tell me. You're looking tired." Ramani looked at her.
"Didn't sleep. Ended up on the sofa with the cat in my lap."
"If you need to talk, you know where to find me... here." Ramani pulled a tissue from her pocket. "It's clean..."
"Thanks. Maybe I do need to talk to someone who can answer back with more than a purr, and who doesn't fall asleep after half an hour of my self pity..."
"Cats, eh? Who'd have them?! I'm always here... I'm due a break I think. Been slaving over a hot computer since I got here."
"Fancy a coffee? I'll buy..."
"You look like you need one." Ramani grinned. "The canteen suit you, or do you want some fresh air?"
"Fresh air is good." June smiled.
***
Ten minutes later, June and Ramani strolled outside, styrofoam cups of coffee in hand. June finally broke the silence. "I think it's easier to talk to you about this because you're not involved. You weren't there, not like Polly, or Tony, I'm not sure Gina would understand... and what I need right now is some good, straightforward advice."
"Well, I can't promise you that but I can try my best." Ramani perched on a low wall.
"I think you know what this is all about, don't you?" June perched beside her, sipped her coffee which was too hot, and winced.
"I'm guessing Jim is involved somewhere."
"You know he and I were lovers."
"I know bits and pieces..."
"Well, we were... for about six months... after twenty years of being friends... I knew it was..." She stopped, shook her head. "We split up earlier this year, a little while before you arrived. And you know the rest..."
"I witnessed the fallout."
"I think nearly everyone did. I'm not proud of the way I acted but... I don't know what it was, loneliness, anger, betrayal... everytime I saw him I would get this rush of emotions, none of which went together..." She dropped her coffee to the wall beside her. "I've never felt this way before, I've lost boyfriends, partners, but..."
"You really fell for him didn't you?" Ramani rubbed June's arm gently. "It must be so hard losing a lover like that, then having to work so closely with them day in day out."
"I thought he was the one, you know? He was my best friend, and my lover, and my confidante, and... I *knew* he was the one. The only problem is - he didn't think the same way."
"That's men for you."
"I just never believed Jim Carver of all people could hurt me this much. But - he told me that what he had with Ma... his wife was right, and... I've only ever wanted him to be happy..."
"But?" Ramani paused. "Is he happy June? I've only known him when was with Marie, I don't know any better."
"Jim's never been... the cheeriest of souls. But I know what he's like when he's content, and... since he got back from his honeymoon, I've sensed something in him... and I thought, was so scared he might..." She sucked in a deep breath. "And last night, my worst fears were confirmed."
"What do you mean?" Ramani frowned.
"I was in the Tavern, drowning my many sorrows, when... guess who I bump into at the bar."
"He's drinking again?"
"Yeah. I couldn't say much, I was well into my fifth whiskey by then, so I didn't try to stop him."
"But you at least talked to him?"
"Yeah... we talked. His marriage is falling apart." June laughed quietly to herself.
"Which is why he's drinking again? How long had this been going on?"
"I don't know... he didn't say. Turns out the lovely Marie isn't quite as wonderful and magical as he thought. In fact, by all accounts, she is extraordinarily dull... in all departments."
Ramani raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
"Really. Jim and I... we were never like that, we..." She stopped, wiped roughly at her cheek. "Anyway, we were both drunk, things got very emotional..." She stopped, sighed, and shook her head.
"And?"
"What is it they say - one thing led to another?"
"You and Jim? You..."
"We had sex." Her words came out in a rush. "There and then... I can't believe..." She looked away, her eyes burning with tears. "I've been here before, Ramani. I had an affair with a DI about thirteen years ago."
"And you've been beating yourself up ever since?"
"I don't know *how* to feel. With Gordon, he always told me he would leave his wife, but... you know what cheating husbands are like, they want the best of both worlds. I know that, but there's still that hope that with Jim... he will do it, he will leave Marie for me. What do you think, do you think I'm kidding myself?" She turned to face Ramani.
Ramani reached out and took June's hands in her own. "I don't know June. You know him best of all - you know how's he's feeling - what makes Jim himself. If he's that unhappy maybe there is a chance, but can you risk putting yourself through it again?"
"I keep asking myself that but the only answer I come up with is... I would do anything *anything* to get him back. I love him so much Ramani, he's like... a part of me and since he's been gone, I've just..." She gestured to her uniform. "Why do you think I'm wearing this."
"You can't work with him can you? You want him that much."
"It's impossible. Even passing him in the corridor... I've even thought of quitting, but then I wont see him at all..." She placed her head in her hands. "I'm acting like a lovestruck kid, I know... but... I didn't realise, until last year, just how much I had... always... loved him. Always kind of hoped... then it happened and it was over so soon... felt like all my dreams had been shattered."
"Which is why you're drinking too?" She rubbed June's back softly.
"I just don't see the point anymore. People don't think... they always assume that I'm married to the job, forever the spinster, but that is so wrong... I've always wanted someone to share my life with, and I thought... I still want... Jim to be it."
"You need to talk to him don't you?" Ramani shook her head. "This doesn't explain why you were so worried about him earlier."
"He... he drove home." June stated simply.
"Just how drunk was he?"
"He'd had three pints..."
"So he was still fairly sober then."
"Yeah... it wasn't just that, it was his mood, after... he said it wasn't real, said it should never have happened... looked like he was going to cry then got in a fury with me when I tried to stop him leaving."
"Seems to me like he was sober enough to know what he was doing when he did it. Maybe that's why he was so angry."
"What do you mean?"
"He had to go back to Marie..."
"No, he didn't." June swallowed harshly, hit her fist against her thigh. "He didn't."
"She is his wife..."
"He HATES her!" June stood, walked a few steps away, bowed her head as her body shook. "Or was that just a lie, because he wanted to..." She shook her head. "He said sex was boring with her. Maybe what I said just now was right, he really does just want the best of both worlds. Maybe I've been reading him wrong all these years, maybe he really is that selfish."
"Look I don't know Jim as well as you but I don't think he is selfish. What I do think is that maybe... well..." Ramani stood and moved over to June. "If things aren't working with Marie, he's not the sort of person to just walk out there and then no explanation. Maybe last night will give him the push he needs to do it."
"Maybe... or maybe he'll feel guilty like he always does and go running back to her. I thought I saw the truth in his eyes last night, but maybe that was just the alcohol, accentuating what I needed to see... Why do you think I want to talk to him, talk to him while we're both sober... to find out if... there's a chance for us." She turned back. "Because if there isn't..."
"Then what June? What if the worst comes to the worst."
"Then... if I can't pull myself away from him mentally, I'll have to do it physically."
"You mean you'd leave Sun Hill?"
"I thought moving back to uniform would help, but...its pretty obvious it wasn't far enough."
"Then I guess nothing I can say will change your mind... but don't rush things - promise me that."
"I won't. But there's one thing I know for sure."
"And that is?"
"No matter what happens, if he hurts me again, or... no matter what, I will never *ever* stop loving him. Even if I hate him at the same time..." She moved back to Ramani. "Sounds stupid, doesn't it?"
"Not at all - that's what being in love is all about." Ramani shook her head. "If the worst comes to the worst, at least you've had some time together."
"Yeah. Even knowing how it all turned out, I would never give up the memory of that time."
"And it'll never leave your side."
"Yeah." June nodded. "Thanks, Ramani. You've helped me see things clearer. I know what I want, but... it's up to Jim. He's the one who has to make the sacrifice. He can't have both of us and he has to know that."
"That's fair enough - you deserve better than to be someone's bit on the side. Shall I tell him you were looking for him?"
"Please..." June managed a tiny smile. "And thanks again."
***
Shortly after 2pm June headed to the locker room and changed out of her uniform, cursing the quiet shift for allowing her to dwell on what had gone on the previous evening. As she slipped her jacket on, she decided once more to head up CSU - she needed to talk to Jim about what had happened before it ate both of them up and destroyed what was left of their friendship. Taking a deep breath she glanced in the mirror and then headed purposely for the stairs.
She retraced her earlier footsteps and pushed open the swinging doors, the room was now bustling, phones ringing, people talking. Ramani looked up as she entered then nodded over to the photocopier in the corner of the room. June followed her line of sight, locating Jim, her heart leaping into her throat despite herself. She approached him, tapping him lightly on the shoulder to attract his attention. "Jim..."
"June..." He glanced up, visibly uncomfortable. "I'm a bit busy right now."
"I just..." She stopped, looked at him closer. "You look exhausted."
"Stressful day in court." He shrugged. "You don't look too great yourself."
"Didn't sleep." She stated simply. "I just need a quick word, two minutes, no more."
Jim glanced over at Ramani who nodded. "The office suit you..." He sighed and led June to the small office, closing the door behind him. He moved into the centre of the room, waiting for her to speak.
"Jim... Jim, I would appreciate it if you could come over to my place after work." She realised how that must sound, and added quickly: "So we can talk."
"Tonight isn't great... I'll be here til late - and I'm in Marie's bad books."
"OK then, forget it." Tears flooded to her eyes and she turned away.
"Oh, don't cry June." He sighed. "I'll see what I can do OK?"
"No... no... don't bother." She turned back to him, her expression and demeanour a mixture of defeat and black humour. "You've obviously made your choice."
"No, no. You're right we need to talk about... what happened."
"What happened?" June laughed sarcastically. "We had sex, Jim, face up to it."
"There's no need to shout it out to everyone." He shook his head. "I should be out of here at about 6pm - does that suit you?"
"Fine... but if you're running late call me, and if you don't turn up... that's it for us. Permanently." She swivelled away, placing her hand on the door handle.
"I will... I'm sorry June." He regarded her gently. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?" June snapped, not waiting for an answer before leaving the room at a pace.
***
6:15pm.
June alternated looking at her mobile to looking out through the window onto the road outside. She sighed angrily, crossing her arms across her chest. Just as she was about to give up hope the doorbell rang. She stalked across the house and flung the door open. Jim was leaning against the wall looking pale and tired. "I thought you weren't coming." She muttered.
"I'm sorry, I had to finish some paperwork." He looked up at her through heavy eyes, making no effort to move.
"You could have called. You do have my number... are you coming in or would you rather stand there?" She stepped to one side.
Jim shuffled into the house, walking up the hall and taking a right into the buttercup yellow lounge room. "I said I'm sorry. I can't stay long."
"Least you turned up." She gestured at the sofa. "Sit down."
"Thanks." He dropped into the powder blue sofa. "You're right, we do have to talk about this."
June sunk down into a large armchair opposite him. "So let's talk..."
"You first."
"Last night... we shouldn't have, should we?" She ducked her eyes away.
"No." Jim swallowed. "Just goes to show what alcohol can do to you."
June felt her disappointment rise. "It was silly really wasn't it? We just let things get out of control."
"Like a couple of school kids who have no idea of the realities of life."
"You shouldn't let me drink whiskey - you know what it does to me." She murmured as her stomach churned. She could barely believe just how much Jim was regretting the previous night.
"From what I saw you were well away before I even got there. I knew you were there, you know."
"Then why didn't you stop me."
"Didn't want an earful."
"Thanks." She rolled her eyes. "Maybe I should have stopped you instead of offering to buy you another drink."
"My alcoholism is my problem, remember?" Jim looked up suddenly as there was movement behind him, and saw Toto walking carefully across the back of the sofa. "Hey, Totes." He reached up and scratched Toto between the ears, and was rewarded with a purr.
"Someone's pleased to see you." June smiled, watching Jim play with the cat. "Think he's missed having you around."
"Is he the only one?" Jim asked quietly.
"Pardon?" June flushed, unsure how to answer.
"Nothing. Nothing. There's nothing we can do about it, is there? Life's moved on, things have changed."
"They certainly have - last night was a huge mistake. We could have ruined our friendship."
"Friendship?" Jim hiked an eyebrow at her.
"We are friends aren't we?" June paled and looked away.
"I don't know, you tell me." Jim lifted Toto from his lap and placed him on the floor.
"I thought we were, I was obviously wrong." She stood and scooped up Toto, playing with him to avoid looking at Jim.
"You can look at it two ways, June. Friends don't... do what we did last night. And... friends also don't treat each other the way you've been treating me these past few weeks. I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, but... it just made me wonder."
"We had sex, Jim, can you not bring yourself to say those words out loud? And just maybe there was a reason I was treating you like I was."
"I know the reason, you hate me." His eyes burned with angry tears.
"I don't *hate* you. I was hurting that's all."
"Yeah... well..." He mumbled. "Maybe we both have to draw a line under this thing."
"We should forget it ever happened. I don't sleep with married men..." She buried her head in Toto's fur. "They aren't worth the hassle - they never leave their wives... despite their promises."
"I never said I wasn't going to leave Marie."
"That's your own decision to make."
"And I've made it, I made it last night."
"I don't see you leaving her..."
"It's not that easy, June."
"Nothing ever is where you're concerned is it? Go on back to your wife Jim... it's obvious you're uncomfortable being here after last night. We'll never speak about it again - brush it under the carpet where it belongs." She turned her back to him so he couldn't see the tears pricking at her eyes.
"Thought that was my line." Jim stared at her back.
"Maybe you left more of a mark on me than you thought."
"June, you have to understand, I can't just pack my bags and walk out. Where would I go?"
"You found somewhere quick and easy enough when you walked out on me."
"That was luck... I need to organise things, work out where my life is going to go next."
"She obviously means more to you than I did." June wiped at her face, still refusing to look at Jim. "You couldn't get out of here quickly enough - practically left scorch marks on the carpet." She laughed wryly.
"We weren't married."
June snorted. "No we weren't."
"I know you don't believe me." Jim shrugged, getting to his feet. "I can understand why you would never believe a single word I say ever again. I've hurt you too many times."
"So, once more won't make a difference... shouldn't you be getting home to Marie?"
"June, can we please, please reach some kind of closure on this."
"On what?" She span round angrily to face him. "There's nothing to forget because nothing happened. I've forgotten already."
Jim's face fell as he regarded her. "Fine.." He stuttered, a lump appearing in his throat. "So let's agree... that it's over. All of it. Our relationship, our friendship, all of it." He stalked from the room and headed to the door.
"Our relationship was over a long time ago Jim, can't we at least be friends?" June slumped against the doorframe watching him.
Jim looked to the floor. "Quite honestly June, no. I don't think we can."
"If that's what you want..." She headed back into the living room, sinking back down into the armchair.
Jim opened the door slowly. "No..." He muttered. "It's not what I want." He stepped forward, out of the house and closed the door quietly behind him. He walked down the garden path, got into his car and slammed the door behind him. Then he slumped against the steering wheel, sobbing as if his heart would break.
Inside the house, June clutched her knees to her chest sobbing loudly. She was furious with herself for not telling Jim her true feelings about their liaison the previous night - but the amount of regret he seemed to have had made it impossible for her to do so. Toto sensed her discomfort and leapt up onto the chair arm, nuzzling against her head, attempting to comfort her as she wept.
After five minutes, Jim wiped his face angrily. He slid the key into the ignition, and gunned the engine, but then looked back over and up at the house and let the engine fall silent. He got out of the car, strode purposefully up to June's door and rang the doorbell.
June made no effort to move. "Go away..." She muttered.
Getting no response, Jim slammed his hand against the glass pane in the door. "June. JUNE!" He yelled. "Open the door, PLEASE!"
"Leave me ALONE." She shouted. "Please, please don't do this anymore."
"I just need to ask you one thing." Jim called back, the raw emotion obvious in his voice.
"What's that?" June got slowly to her feet and inched towards the hallway.
"Did you... did you mean it?"
"Mean what?" She reached the door and opened it a crack, pushing her tear stained face through the gap.
"Did you..." Jim pulled in a quivering breath, gesticulating wildly. "Did you mean it when you said last night was a mistake."
"I regret it as much as you do."
"June, I was just saying what I thought you wanted to hear." Jim sobbed.
"No, what you said obviously came from the heart." She stared at the floor. "I've got over you once, I can do it again."
"June, please..."
"What?" She opened the door further, wiping her face once more. "Haven't you done enough?"
"The only part of last night I regret is the fact I went home to Marie after I left you."
"Do you mean that?"
"With every inch of my soul. June, I know I hurt you, but I can't lie to you... I try but I feel so guilty, I... June, just tell me what I have to do to fix what I've done to you and I'll do it."
"I don't regret last night at all Jim. If I had my time over, I'd do it again... without a doubt."
"I love you, June." Jim looked up at her, his eyes red and sore, but honesty clear within them. "I love you so much it hurts."
"I won't tell you how much I love you because I think you know that already." She met his gaze.
"I do. Just a few months too late." He sighed. "I am leaving Marie. Believe me."
"I can wait... as long as I have you."
He stepped closer to her, placed his hands on her face. "Why did I ever leave you...."
"I'm not going to answer that..."
"If you want this stupid fool back, then... I promise I will never hurt you again."
"I love this stupid fool." June smiled and shook her head.
Jim finally managed to smile, tipping his head as he regarded her. "Can I come back in?"
"I guess so..." She moved aside, leaning on the wall as she regarded him.
Jim stepped in through the door. "Marie's out tonight, the one day of the week she is - bingo with her sister." He said quietly. "Not that is the only reason I want to stay."
"What might the other reason be?"
"I want... to prove to you... that *I* meant it."
"And how do you suggest doing that?" She looped her arms around his neck.
"Well, you're sober and I'm sober..."
"And?" Her eyes twinkled.
"June..." He looked up, ran his hand through her hair. "Can I make love to you?"
"Well... since you asked so nicely. You forgot the magic word though."
"June... can I make love to you... please..." He breathed, leaning down to capture her lips.
"Yes..." She kissed him hungrily, forcing his mouth open as she pulled him closer to her.
They kissed deeply, their hands exploring every inch of each other, remembering the previous night and recapturing the feeling. Belatedly noticing the front door was still open, Jim reached out and pushed it solidly closed.
................. on to Part Four
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