It was a good half an hour before Jim came back down the stairs, in dark blue jeans and a black shirt. His hair was still damp and a little tousled, but he looked, and smelt, fresh. June looked up at him from her place on the sofa. "Better?"
"Much... thanks. I'm not aching quite so much... and I've warmed up finally. Your shower gel is a little... girly... but I'm sure I'll get over it." He smiled wryly.
"Thanks. Sit down, Jim... please..."
Jim nodded and sunk down into the luxurious sofa, regarded June curiously. "Is everything OK?"
"Jim, I know you're at a crossroads at the moment and you're not sure where you're going to go and what you want to do." She resisted the temptation to reach out for his hands.
"But?"
"Do you... want me with you?"
"I love you... you know that, but... I'm not going to force you into anything. I'll totally understand if you tell me to leave you alone."
"Jim... I've been going over and over this in my head for a long time now. You need to listen to me and I need your answers to be honest. Don't be afraid of hurting me, I'd rather be hurt now than weeks, months or years down the line."
"I realise that now. OK... look, I think, the way I see it, is that what we have between us is too powerful to simply throw away."
"I don't want to throw it away." He wrung his hands in his lap. "But ultimately this is down to you."
"Can you admit that we did things wrong last time?"
"Which last time?" Jim muttered.
"You know... the time we were together... here... living together."
"The best months of my life... 'til I screwed it up."
"Jim, no, we messed it up. We approached it the wrong way, we made assumptions, we..." She stopped. "I don't think either of us actually expected to feel the way we did."
"I couldn't believe how much I loved you... how much you loved me. It was overwhelming... it scared me."
"It scared me, too... I didn't know what to think or what to, all I could think was that I had to keep hold of you, keep hold of what we had... that's why I proposed too soon."
"You didn't propose too soon... I'd been thinking about it myself as I think you'd guessed, but when it came down to it, I couldn't go through with it... I couldn't burden you with my problems." He sighed harshly. "I'm sorry for how I behaved."
"You were doing what you thought was right... you wanted to marry me, but you felt you couldn't, and that hurt you, didn't it?"
"It hurt me more than you could possibly imagine, that coupled with Joanna's disappearance... I couldn't cope anymore..."
"Yeah, I know..." Finally giving in, she reached for his hand questioningly.
"And when I proposed to you and took it back... I'm sorry." He ducked his head, tears burning in his eyes.
"Forget it, Jim... forget it." She squeezed his hand. "Jim... I'm willing to try again."
"You are?" He looked up at her hesitantly. "I don't deserve you..."
"Don't say that..." She shushed him. "There are just some things we need to recognise, and talk over and... deal with."
"I don't know how you can say that after what I've put you through... You're amazing..."
"Jim... please listen."
He looked up at her and nodded. "Go on..."
"I think one of the main things we did wrong last time was to assume too many things. We'd known each other nineteen years, so some things - a lot of things went unspoken between us."
He nodded once more. "We thought we knew each other inside out... maybe we didn't."
"Being in love and being friends... it's different. I don't think either of us realised that. There's so much more at stake. Being friends with you was always so natural, but being your lover... I should... we should have tried harder. We should have communicated more."
"I always wanted to be both..." He sighed. "Guess it's not that easy."
"It isn't easy. I felt... asking you a question about yourself, the way you were feeling was stupid because we'd known each other so long... it might make you think... I don't know... make you think I didn't know you as well as you thought I did. I was scared, proud, even. We'd both get defensive, instead of just being honest with each other."
"Then this time we must be open with each other... no assuming... no lying... no hiding..."
"You think you can do that? I know I'm going to try..."
"I've turning over a new leaf... as of the time I walked out of our... Marie's house, I'm not the same Jim Carver... I'm not going to hurt you anymore; I'm not going to hurt myself... I've changed June... for the better."
"I can see that... in your eyes." June smiled. "But there are two other things. The first..." She rolled her eyes. "Is sex."
"What about... sex?" Jim choked.
"It's just... it was a large part of our relationship. If I'm being honest, it was the best part, the only part that didn't need any work."
"It was amazing." Jim nodded.
"From the very first time, it was perfect. We go together, you and me."
"We do." Jim looked up at her and smiled warmly. "But what's that got to do with the present?"
"What I was just talking about, communication, honesty... I remember times when we argued, or got cross over something, and instead of talking it out, we'd make love."
"We never complained at the time, those times were often the best." He closed his eyes, lost in his thoughts for a second. "But you're right, we ignored the problems, hoped they'd go away if we didn't face them... but they didn't. They built up."
"So... if we're going to try again, we take things slowly. We don't jump in at the deep end, no matter how much we may want to..." She looked at him, swallowed. "Jim... I want you right now, but I'm holding back, I have to... we have to, to make sure... we can be together as partners and talk things over properly and not use sex as some kind of an escape from reality."
"I understand." He rubbed his eyes and yawned. "Sorry... new relationship, new way of thinking... I want to date you properly this time."
"Dates would be good... we didn't really bother last time, did we?" She tipped her head and smiled. "Are you going to stay awake?"
"I'm awake... I'm not complaining about how it went last time, I've never forgotten our first 'date', that night we spent together... but it's going to be different this time."
"Jim... there's one more thing... one thing which might render everything we've just been talking about... pointless."
"Go on..." He looked down; realised June still had his hand in hers and squeezed it lightly, looking up at her again.
"Jim... you were crying earlier, and I know its not because you left Marie."
"You want the truth..." He bit his lip. "I know there's no baby, never was... but... somewhere deep down inside me I was kind of hoping she was telling the truth..." His voice cracked and he looked away. "I'm grieving for a child that never existed."
"You're grieving for what you could have had." She sighed. "What you could still have."
"Not anymore... there's only room for one other person in my life." He gulped. "And that's you..."
"Jim, I'm sorry but I can't believe you now. You were willing to stay with Marie to be a father. Willing to sacrifice your own needs, desires, happiness, to look after that child and give it the upbringing you never had."
"Only because I thought that child existed... if I'd known the truth I would never have gone back to her. I could never love anyone as much as I love you... you're the only one for me."
"I told you not to just tell me things you think I want to hear."
"I swear to you that is the truth... look at me June... am I lying to you?"
"You could change your mind."
"You're all I want and more... I had my chance at a family... it's passed me by now." He reached out to her, lifted her head up so she was looking at him. "I want you."
"I think... I think you need time away from here." She stuttered, pulling away as her body began to react to his touch.
"Tell me what I can do to make you believe me." He stroked her hand rhythmically with his thumb.
"Take some time out... take some leave... think things over."
"I think I should... I need time to get my head straight... to find somewhere to live... to make my heart pine for you..."
"You've always wanted to go down to Cornwall, diving... its quiet there, peaceful, lots of beaches..."
"I always wanted to take you there... one day eh?"
"You go... take time away from the job and the city and the noise and clear your mind. Find out what it is you really want."
"I'll do that... can I call you to talk to you? I understand if you don't want that... but I've missed having you around as a friend."
June nodded. "Once a day."
"You drive a hard bargain." Jim laughed.
"We've got to work at this. What was it you said, real love needs work. And that's what this is, I have no doubts about that."
"I should never have doubted your love for me... and it's true what they say... absence does make the heart grow fonder."
"It certainly is." June looked up as a car pulled up outside. "I...called you a cab. It's not that I'm throwing you out, but..." She picked up a yellow post-it note. "They're expecting you... it's a nice place, I know the owner."
"Thanks June." He stood slowly. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Ditto." June smiled, standing to meet him. "Have a good time, I'll sort things out at work for you."
"Thanks... I'll... I'll be in touch." He shuffled, looking at awkwardly.
"Be careful..." She breathed, standing on tiptoe to kiss him lightly.
"And you too..." He kissed her forehead. "Look after yourself."
The doorbell rang, interrupting the moment, and June moved to open the door, directing the cab driver to Jim's bags and giving him the address of the B&B. As the cab driver bundled the bags into the cab, she looked up at Jim once more. "I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you more... I'll call... once a day."
"I love you..." She moved close into him, looped her arm around his neck and kissed him deeply, her hand moving over his chest softly.
He responded to her kiss, pulling her closer to him, his arm sliding around her back. He stopped suddenly and broke away. "We're meant to be taking this slowly... I... I should go while I still can..."
"Yes...you should..." She lay her hand on his chest, looking round as the cab driver beeped his horn. "Saved by the beep."
"I don't want to let go..." He tipped his head and kissed her forehead once more. "But I know I have to..."
"Then don't let go... but promise me you'll think things over properly. If you have to let go, let me go, I'll understand. I won't hate you or yell at you... but if you find you still want me... I'll be right here waiting for you."
"I'll think of you every minute of everyday... you're my life June Ackland... wait for me... I'll be back." He squeezed her tightly, then released her from his arms, stepping out into the darkness. "Goodbye... and take care."
"You too..." She stood in the doorway as he got into the cab, waving as it pulled away. Then she looked down as she felt something rubbing against her ankles. "So what do you think, Toto? Do you think Daddy will be back?" Toto wound himself around her feet and mewed loudly. She scooped him up into her arms, and buried her head into his fur, kicking the door shut behind her. "Come on you..." She muttered. "Bedtime."
She prepared for bed, switching off the lights then walking slowly up the stairs, mulling over every moment, every word. She stepped into her bedroom, and just for a moment, remembered, remembered the times they had shared in here, talking, making love, laughing. The thought that they could share those times again made her stomach flip with excitement, but then she brought herself back into reality. Jim was a confused, grieving man, and she firmly believed that only this time away would reveal his true feelings. But how she would survive the next two weeks without him, she simply didn't know.
................. on to Part Fourteen
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