The rain had stopped now, save for a few drips, which he watched fall into a puddle of oil on the forecourt floor, watching the rainbow colours glisten under the harsh fluorescent strip lights. He barely heard a word the mechanic was saying as he examined the dent and scrape on the side of his car, muttered about a new door, maybe a whole new wing, it would cost�
Didn't hear anything until the man in the blue overalls touched his shoulder lightly.
"You sure you�re alright, mate?" The man, in his early fifties if he was a day, gave him an almost fatherly look of concern.
"Yeah� yeah." Jim tightened his hands into fists, keeping them hidden in his jacket pockets. "So what's the damage?"
"You�re going to need a new door. Gonna cost you about �500."
"Right� when will it be ready?"
"A week, give or take. Give us your details; I�ll give you a call. I�ll need a deposit� ten percent." He walked off towards the office, Jim following slowly and digging for his wallet, dropping it as he stepped in through the door.
"You sure you don�t want to sit down?"
"No, I�m fine, just a bit of a shock, that�s all." Jim bit his lip, determined not to cry. The accident had knocked him not just physically, his arm and chest felt sore and bruised from the sudden jolt of the impact, but mentally, and had brought the thing he had been trying to ignore right to the surface, had let it out and now it was there it wouldn�t let go. "My own fault for driving around in that rain." He forced a smile.
"We all do it though, don�t we? That�ll be �50, I take all credit cards�"
"That�s OK." Jim retrieved his wallet and pulled out a crisp �50 note, then filled in the form the man pushed towards him, his handwriting abysmal as his hand shook. "Thanks." He shoved his wallet haphazardly back into his pocket, then retrieved his two heavy bags from the boot of his car. He looked around, trying to figure out where he was, and then he realised he was only about a mile from June�s house.
He really didn�t want to bother her, but as the tears began to slip freely down his face, the instinct to go to her became too strong.
She was the only one he could cry in front of, the only one whose words could calm him. It could be wrong, it could be a fatal mistake but all he knew, at this moment, was that he needed her.
He hefted the bags onto his shoulders, and began to walk.
***
June stood in her darkened bedroom, watching the rain as it hit her window and cascading down it small trickling patterns. Compared to the torrential downpour of earlier in the evening this was nothing... though it certainly could not be described as drizzle. She clasped the hot mug in her hand, bringing it to her lips and savouring the hot liquid as it poured down her throat, warming her from the inside out. As she stood behind the curtains, a figure rounded the corner struggling under the weight of two huge bags. She watched as he stopped, fighting to keep the bags on his shoulders, a shiver running down her spine as she recognised the familiar gait.
Jim dropped one bag to the ground, cursing and rubbing his aching shoulder. While most of the way here he had been carried by the momentum, the faith that he needed to be with her, be near her, now, as he came closer to her house, to her... he was not so sure. Yet he picked the bag up once more, crying out to himself as his shoulder smarted, then dropped it, dragging it along the pavement the last fifty yards or so to a pool of light from the streetlight directly opposite June's house.
June stepped away from the window as Jim looked up into her room. Despite wanting to run outside and throw her arms around him there was something deep inside her stopping her from doing that. She leant up against the cool wall, sighing as she regarded him, his tear stained face tilted up towards the window... his body hunched up in grief and sadness. She realised that he must have finally walked.
Jim looked up at the dark, quiet house, no sign of life. He looked at his watch, just past ten, June had never been one for early nights but her life seemed to have changed irrevocably in the time since they had parted. He leant up against the lamppost beside him, cursing his own foolishness, wiping at his wet face with a wet sleeve. The instinct within him was still there, the instinct to reach out for her in times of pain, but he couldn't do this...
Once more June moved away from the window, sitting down on the bed, then lying down, curling her body up for comfort. She closed her eyes momentarily, but the pull was still there, the image of Jim, rain coursing over him, filled her head. She got to her feet once more, approached the window but keeping that safe distance from it, hiding away from herself and him in the shadows of her room. She couldn't take her eyes off him for a moment.
Just for a second, a brief second, Jim thought he could see movement in the upstairs bedroom, a slight shift of the curtain, a moving shadow. "June..." His chin trembled and he crumbled, the pain now too much and the need for comfort too great. He crossed the road, again pulling the bags behind him, opened the gate and rang the doorbell before his nerve deserted him.
June jumped as the shrill ring filled the house and seemed to hang in the air. Her body was frozen for a split second, her heart telling her to go to him, her head telling her not to let him hurt her again.
Jim waited, for what seemed like an eternity, but could have been no longer than a minute or two. His body sagged as he realised the truth, that she didn't want to know, she had rejected him, and that now he was entirely alone, left to deal with his grief and confusion and face an uncertain future alone. His hand rose almost involuntarily to ring the bell once more, but then he stopped, looked at it quivering in front of him, and put it back down by his side. Then, admitting defeat and sighing an agonising sigh, he picked up his bags once more and left, up the path, through the gate and he started off up the street, going nowhere.
June watched him as he dragged himself down her path and onto the street, his head turning every so slightly to glance up at her window. She knew that if she didn't make a move there and then that would be it... it would all be over. She hurtled out of the room, her momentum almost making her fall as she rushed down the stairs and flung the door open, cursing her bare feet as she watched the rain make patterns in the puddles on the ground. Grabbing her keys from the side table she ran out of the door, pulling it shut behind her, the bang reverberating around the neighbourhood, making Jim tense as she called out his name. "Jim... wait."
His body tensed, but did not still, he kept on walking, his head hanging low, drips running from his blond fringe onto his face, merging with and camouflaging the tears that were streaking down his face unchecked.
"Jim please..." June shouted once more, cursing lightly under her breath as she ran silently after him.
He came to a halt, waiting for her to catch up to him.
June stopped beside him; slowly walking round to stand in front of him, block him from moving away. She looked up at his tear-stained face and brushed his fringe away from where it was stuck to his forehead, saying nothing as she regarded him.
"I'm sorry, June, I shouldn't have come here." He looked up at her through heavy, dark eyes.
"Look at you... you're freezing..." She ran her hand down his face, dropping it slowly to her side once more. "Are you OK?"
"I've been driving round and round, my mind just trying to figure out where to go and not accepting there was nowhere."
"Where's your car? You look like you've been walking for miles." Her stomach flipped as she took in his dishevelled appearance.
"I... skidded... I..." He turned away from her. "Wasn't thinking about what I was doing..."
"Are you OK? Hurt? Have you seen a doctor..." June babbled.
"Just the seatbelt..." He gestured to his shoulder. "I'm OK..."
Try as she might, June couldn't bring herself to ask what had happened with Marie. "So where are you headed?"
"I don't know." He shrugged. "I honestly don't know." He looked at her, then a shiver overtook his entire body.
"Have you got some money for a hotel? B&B?"
"I..." He stared at her, his eyes alive with that wildness she had seen within them before and had hoped never to see again. Then, without warning, he dropped to the ground, pressing his head against his knees, balling himself up and sobbing.
"Jim..." June felt her own legs buckle and she dropped down beside him, gathering him up in her arms as best she could, rubbing his back through his thick jacket as she his body shook with wracking sobs.
Jim shook his head suddenly, pushing her away. "No, look, I've got to go, this was a mistake... I'm sorry..." He tried to get to his feet, wincing in pain as he did so. "Dam it!" He muttered, kicking out at one of his heavy bags in frustration.
"Come inside... get yourself warmed up. I'll make you a cocoa." She attempted to pick up one of his bags but failed. "You need to consider your options and here isn't the place to do it." She moved off towards her house, dragging one bag behind her.
"Yeah..." Jim got to his feet, throwing his other bag over his good shoulder and trotting to catch up with her. "Let me take that..." He reached for the other bag, wiping his face and trying to regain some semblance of control.
"I can manage..." June grunted, wrestling with the bag, almost tripping as it caught on a loose flagstone.
"June... please..."
"Fine..." She let the bag strap drop to the floor and carried on walking ahead of Jim, up her front path to unlock the door.
"I just... I don't want you to do anything for me, I don't deserve it."
"I was only carrying a bag for you..." She turned to look at him as he mooched up the path. "Stop putting yourself down."
Jim decided to say nothing more as he stepped into the warmth of June's house to have his ankles attacked by an over-excited Toto. "Hey Totes." Jim mumbled.
"See." June smiled. "He never stopped loving you..."
"Well, you know animals, their love is unconditional."
"Not with Toto... he's fickle..."
"Yeah..." Jim left his bags in the hall and followed June into the kitchen. "Thanks for this..."
"It's nothing... you'd do the same. Cocoa?" She opened the fridge and took out a pint of milk.
"Please... and have you got any painkillers?"
"In my handbag." She nodded over to the kitchen table. "How many sugars do you want? I know the more sugars, the worse you're feeling."
Jim hiked an eyebrow. "Three." He walked over to the table, opened the bag and pulled out the box of painkillers, watching as something fluttered to the floor as he pulled them out. He ducked down, retrieved the errant item, turned it over and recognised it as the other half of the strip of pictures they had had taken in Brighton.
June clanked about, busying herself as she made two mugs of cocoa. "Right Jim..." She looked up when he didn't respond and saw him hunched over looking at something. She crossed the room to him, dropping the mugs onto the table. "Hope you're not nosing in my bag." She laughed.
"Sorry, I..." He held up the photographs to her. "You were right... she found them."
"That's what started all this off then?" June shook her head. "I'm sorry... they were my idea... I should have known better."
"No... she.. I got home and she was still... lying... I had to be quite devious to get the truth out of her, I'm not proud of it."
"Do you want to talk about it?" June said softly, picking up both mugs and heading down through to the living room.
"There's nothing much to talk about. We didn't even row."
"She admitted it in the end though?" June curled up in an armchair and gestured to the sofa. "Sit down... did she say why she did it?"
"Because she couldn't admit it was over... she still loves me but she knows... she knows it's too late."
"So what now?"
"Half of my life is in those bags, the rest back at her place, I can pick it up when I get settled..."
"Are you going to get a flat or something then? I noticed the sign's gone down at the place you..." She rolled her eyes. "...the place you were interested in."
"Think someone beat me to that one." Jim smiled wryly. "I'll find somewhere." He sighed. "God, I'm soaked..." He shivered again, clutched his arms to his chest.
"Go and have a hot shower... I presume you've got a change of clothes in one of those bags... I can... I can phone round some B&B's whilst you're up there."
"Thanks..." Jim nodded. He stood, made to head out into the hallway, when June stood suddenly and stopped him. "Hang on a minute."
"What?" He stopped and turned to face her, leaning heavily on the doorframe.
June stepped towards him, pulling back his jacket, then moved her hands to his shirt, opening the top button.
"June..." He frowned backing away from her. "What are you doing?"
"I just wanted to make sure you're OK..." Determinedly she undid two more buttons and pulled his shirt back to reveal a nasty red welt on his shoulder. "Ouch."
"I'm fine... it's just a bruise..." Again he wrenched away from her. "Just stop it, please."
"Stop what?" June snapped, turning away so he couldn't see the red flush rising in her cheeks, the tears burning her eyes.
"Stop crossing the line June..."
"I'm not crossing any line. I just wanted to make sure you were alright."
"And I've told you I am." He rubbed his face with his hand. "Let's just leave it like that eh?"
"OK. Go and have your shower, and afterwards, if you're up to it, there's a few things I need to say."
"OK... I'm sure I'll feel better after a shower... I need to wash today away. Thanks June." He smiled at her, running his hand down her arm. "I won't be long." He stooped to remove clean clothes from his bag, then headed off up the stairs as June looked on.
................. on to Part Thirteen
Back to Homepage Review Back to Stories