Twenty minutes later, June walked slowly up to the small room at the end of the corridor, peering in through the glass and seeing Jim sitting in the corner, alone, a newspaper on his lap and his eyes shut in mid doze. She cracked open the door, and simply watched him for a long moment.
He stirred, cracking open an eye, jumping when he realised someone was there. "June! You knocked ten years off me then - half expected it to be Inspector Gold."
"How's the case going?" June dropped into a chair opposite him.
"Don't ask..." He rolled his eyes. "Shouldn't you be on patrol?"
"Jim... there's something I have to tell you and I ... don't know how to do it."
"Then just say it..." He fiddled with his newspaper. "It's not good news is it?"
"I don't want to be the one that breaks your heart." She looked up, into his eyes.
"Call it revenge." Jim said wistfully.
"No, Jim, this is worse..." June sighed and looked away. "Honey and I saw Marie just before three when we were out on patrol. Jim - she was in the beer garden behind the Canley Arms."
His eyes darkened as June's words sunk in. "So she's been lying to me all this time."
"She was ...the worse for drink and she was smoking."
"I knew it." He sighed harshly, and buried his face into his hands. "I just knew it."
"She was saying that she planned all this to trap you, so you wouldn't... and I quote "go off with that slut"."
Jim slowly looked up at June with wide eyes. "You mean she knows about us? How?"
"I don't know, Jim, maybe those photo's... but she did... go to the health centre. Bang on three."
"The photos! She went in my wallet for some money for Ben's birthday present. How stupid am I?" He shook his head. "So what went on at the health centre... how do you know she isn't..."
"Jim, at two minutes past three she came back out, stuffed a load of leaflets in her bag and headed for the taxi rank."
"She didn't see a doctor..." He spoke slowly, deliberately as what June was saying to him sunk in. "Still doesn't mean she isn't though."
"Jim, I think you have to face the reality..." She leant forward, reached for his hand.
"It's a lot to take in... But I can't believe it, not until I have proof. I know what she's like. It's looking less likely that there is a baby, but there's nothing concrete yet."
"Jim, you have to stop holding onto this hope, I heard her admit it was a lie."
"So I'm not going to be a dad." He wiped roughly at his eyes. "I hate her June... I really do."
"I'm sorry, Jim, I really am, I know how much you wanted this."
"How could she do this to me?"
"I don't know, you'll have to ask her...." She watched him as tears snuck down his cheeks, then leant back in her seat and wiped at her own tears that had appeared against her will.
Jim stood suddenly. "I have to go and see her... tell her what I think of her... I could kill her." He stopped in front of June and looked at her, swallowing a sob.
"You cant leave until the case is over, and then you've got the debrief..." June shook her head. "I know you're angry but you have to try to calm down..."
"Don't tell me to calm down." He snapped. "I'm sorry June - none of this is your fault."
"I'm just glad you believed me." June ducked her head. "I was scared you wouldn't."
"You wouldn't lie to me." He crossed the room, kicking and hitting out at the wall. "I was a fool, a stupid bloody fool." He turned to June once more, holding his fist. "What do I do now?" He wept.
"You sort yourself out, you get on with what you're supposed to be doing here and then you go home and confront her. It needs to come out, Jim, so you both know where you stand... oh, Jim, look, you're bleeding..." She reached for his hand once more.
He shrugged at June. "I didn't even notice... I just want to go home and tell her what I think of her."
"You need to try to be calm and rational. Jim, you told me that your marriage was over... you knew it, don't you think that Marie might have known it too... that that was what drove her to such desperate measures?"
"Probably." He sighed, wincing as he cautiously flexed his fingers. "And finding those photos... I'm such a fool."
"No you're not, you're just... I don't know... I don't know what it is I love about you but I just do." She turned away quickly and stepped towards the door.
"June." He called out watching her as she stopped. "I'm leaving her... tonight."
Her body stilled, tensed, the hairs on her neck rising. "And?"
"And what?"
"And what then?" June swallowed, refusing to turn around.
"I get my own place..."
"Right..." June nodded, fidgeted, and made to move.
Jim swallowed. "I file for divorce."
June turned back around, slowly, her eyes wide and damp with unshed tears. "And?"
He shrugged once more. "You tell me."
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I do."
"And I love you." June smiled briefly. "But..." She sighed, shook her head.
"But what?" Jim's voice was tinged with disappointment as he fiddled with a loose thread on his suit jacket.
"But I think that everything that's happened in the last couple of years has just gone to show that that's not always enough."
Jim shuffled on the spot and mumbled. "I guess so."
"If everything was easy, uncomplicated, I would have you back in a heartbeat, back in my home and back in my bed."
"I know I've hurt you far too many times. I understand." A tear ran down his face and dropped onto the floor. He moved his foot over it.
"I need you to know where *we* stand. If you leave Marie - you have options... lots of options... and you need to consider them, and this time, make sure you've made the right decision."
"I don't think I can make any more *wrong* decisions... but I accept how you feel."
"But if you need any help deciding... you know where I am... I'm still your best friend, Jim."
"I'm... I'm sorry for everything." He nodded. "Thanks for... doing what you did today."
"I wish I didn't have to. I wish your dream could have come true." June stepped closer to him. "Jim, I only ever want the best for you... you know that, don't you."
He nodded mutely, looking straight at June.
"I'm sorry too, for being selfish."
"You don't have anything to apologise for. You're certainly not selfish."
"I am... I really am." She sighed. "Look, Jim, I've got to go... just... when you get home just try to see Marie's side of the story, maybe... maybe you've just both been feeling the same way... frightened, confused..."
"I'll try... I'll let you know how I... get on."
"Maybe the two of you can work things out."
"I don't think so..." He shook his head. "I don't want to."
"You should never have to do anything you don't want." June smiled. "Call me later if you need someone to talk to."
"Thanks, I... I don't deserve you. Not after everything I've put you through."
"You fell in love. How on earth can I blame you for that."
"Because it wasn't you." He mumbled.
"You did love me, and it was great, but it wasn't right." She shrugged, heading back to the door, pulling it part way open.
Jim opened his mouth to say something then stopped and sighed. "I... I did... do love June."
"We weren't ready though, were we? And maybe we never will be."
"But maybe we will?"
"Yeah. Maybe." June looked up at him sadly then stepped from the room and pulled the door gently closed behind her.
Jim watched her and shook his head as the door clicked shut behind her before moving back to his chair. He picked up the newspaper, then placed in back down on the table roughly, hiding his face his hands and sighing loudly.
Outside, Honey waited for June on the court steps, looking up as June approached. "All done?" She asked quietly, touching June's arm lightly.
June nodded biting her lip, fighting back her tears. "Yeah... I told him."
"You alright?" Honey tipped her head and regarded her.
"I will be." June sniffed and wiped her face.
"You've done all you can, June. It's up to him now."
"He says he's leaving her."
"Do you believe him?"
"I think I do..."
"All you can do is wait and see, but June... I feel good about this... about you and Jim..."
"I'm glad someone does." June sighed.
"It'll be alright. One way or another, it'll be alright."
***
It was around six thirty by the time Jim left Sun Hill after a debrief with DCI Meadows, DI Nixon and the CPS official involved with the case. For the last two or three hours he had immersed himself in the facts of the case, determinedly keeping his mind off the news that June had brought him. But now, as stood at the threshold of his home, key in hand, ready to go in and to face this new reality, he didn't know how to feel. So instead, he opted for numb. "Marie... I'm home..." He frowned as he searched the lower floor of the house, not finding her in the lounge, the dining room or the kitchen. "Marie?"
"I'm in up here Jim." Marie yelled weakly from the darkened bedroom, the alcohol still in her system making her head pound.
Jim ascended the stairs, habitually stepping over the sixth step which creaked angrily and ominously every time anyone stood on it. He walked down the hall to their bedroom, pushing the door open, his eyes adjusting to the darkness. She had tried to disguise it, the room stank of air freshener, but beneath it all was the undeniable stench of alcohol. "Hey." He said softly.
"Hey you." Marie yawned, glancing up at him. "How was court?"
"Fine, think it's all going our way." He smiled wanly, then walked over and perched on the bed beside her. "You feeling alright?"
"Just a bit tired, that's all... guess I'm starting to feel the effects of it now."
"So...?" Jim looked down at her.
"So... what?"
"Did you see the doctor?"
"Of course I did." Marie snapped. "Sorry, I just hate the way you've been doubting me."
"So it's confirmed?"
"Yes... of course it is. I'm pregnant Jim. We're having a baby."
"Well... that's fantastic. Come here." He held out his arms to her.
Marie sat up and shuffled towards Jim, allowing him to embrace her. She rested her head on his shoulder, inwardly laughing to herself. "So how does it feel... daddy?"
"It's all I've ever wanted." He replied, his eyes glazing over and gazing unflinchingly at the wall behind the bed. "Thank you."
"No, thank YOU."
"Things are going to be better now." He continued. "The four of us...it's going to be perfect. A real family."
"It's going to be great... and I just know that you're going to make a wonderful dad." Marie smiled. "Less than six months to go Jim."
"Next April..." Jim nodded. "Look..." He pulled back. "Is there anything you want, tea, coffee, some soup..."
"Well I suppose I should lay off the coffee now... can't be good for this one can it..." She rubbed her stomach protectively. "But I suppose a mug of tea wouldn't hurt."
"OK...I've got to get something to eat, I'm starving." He kissed her lightly on the forehead, leaving the room, closing the door softly behind him. For a moment, he stopped, leant up against the door and fought back a rising wave of rage within him. How far could she possibly take this lie? He headed downstairs, into the kitchen, making himself a sandwich and her a cup of tea. He wasn't sure how best to handle this, to confront her straight out or to continue this pretence until her charade crumbled.
A few minutes later Marie looked up as he walked back into the room with a tray. She grinned up at him. "I could get used to his you know."
"I'm at your beck and call." He placed the tray on the bed, watching as she picked up her tea and sipped at it, not wanting to touch his sandwich, his appetite having deserted him.
"Lost your appetite Jim? That's unusual for you..." Marie laughed.
"Yeah... you know, it's just the excitement. Look, Marie, I know things haven't been perfect but I just want you to know..." He stopped, drew in a slow, slightly quivering breath.
"What do you want me to know, eh?" She smiled warmly at him; thrilled inside that he had fallen for her lie so easily. She reached out, broke a piece of the sandwich. "Waste not, want not."
"That I love you... and I'll never leave you." He couldn't bring himself to look in her eyes, gave her only the merest glance.
"I love you too Jim..."
"Yeah..." Jim watched as she nibbled on the sandwich. "So... what next?"
"What do you mean?" Marie swallowed.
"Well, I've been reading those books, and talking to Eva...there's scans and tests and things... ante natal classes..." He looked over to the chair beside the bed where Marie's bag lay discarded; some leaflets half-in, half-out of it. He reached over and picked them up. "Looks like you've been doing some research too."
"The doctor gave them to me..." Marie paled. "Just some bedtime reading material that's all. I mean I have done this twice already."
"So, have you got an appointment for the first scan... I can't wait to see our baby for real... I've heard it's quite an experience."
"I haven't got an appointment yet." Marie looked around the room, avoiding making eye contact with Jim. "The doctor said he'd phone me - their computers system was down or something."
"Oh, right... did he mention about the amniocentesis, I mean, you are an older mother, and there's the risk of Down's..." Jim continued, plugging away at her, flipping through his handful of leaflets.
"It was mentioned... I've... I've got... I think that's going to be done next time I go..." She gulped. You have been reading up haven't you?"
"Of course I have, I want to be by your side, every single step of the way... every scan, every class, every test..."
"And just how are you going to get all the time off to do that Jim... I hardly see you as it is..."
"I'll work something out." Jim placed his hand on her shoulder. "Now, are you *sure* you're alright...you're looking very pale."
"I'm... I'm... OK." Marie mumbled, picking at a piece of fluff on the duvet cover.
"You don't look it..." Jim tipped his head to regard her. "Come on, Marie... you can tell me..."
"Oh Jim..." Marie looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "I don't know how to tell you this..."
"Tell me what?" Jim tensed, unsure whether she was about to confess or deepen her lie further.
"I... I... I lost the baby earlier..." Marie sobbed and held her arms out to him. "I'm sorry..."
Jim looked at her, his eyes wide, unblinking, then he backed away from her, standing. "What?!" This revelation had come so far out of left field he felt he could almost laugh at the absurdity of it all.
"I... I had a miscarriage..."
"Then what was ... all that about, everything we were just talking about?!"
"I... I didn't want to disappoint you... you were so excited about the baby... and I still feel pregnant - it hasn't sunk in yet. I thought maybe... maybe you'd understand."
"Yeah... yeah, of course I do." Jim turned away from her, dipped his head, fighting back another wave of anger towards this woman and what she was putting him through in a desperate attempt to salvage a marriage which had died months ago.
"Jim?" Marie asked cautiously, unsure as to whether his reaction to her revelation was the one she expected.
"Just give me a minute." He snapped, his voice cracking.
"It's not my fault you know." Marie cried. "I didn't want this to happen."
Jim said nothing, anger and tears building up in his throat and chest and making him unable to speak.
"Say something Jim... please." Marie pleaded.
Slowly, he turned to her, not wanting to cry but his eyes betraying him. "Have you seen a doctor?"
"No... I... it's happened now, there's nothing he can do."
"A woman who has suffered a miscarriage needs to be checked over, you might need a D&C."
"I just want to rest... I'm so tired..."
"That could be DUE to the miscarriage, you might be losing blood, and..." He swallowed, bit his lip. "I don't want to lose you, Marie."
"I'm OK Jim, really I am... I just need to rest." Marie moved down further under the covers, pulling the duvet up over her head.
Jim reached out and pulled back the duvet. "I'm not taking no for an answer. If you won't do this for yourself, do this for me."
"You won't take no for an answer will you." Marie didn't move, instead pulled her legs up to her chest and hugged herself defensively.
Jim looked at her, then pulled out his phone, dialling. "Canley Health Centre... yes, my wife has just had a miscarriage and is refusing to get checked out... yes... yes, I'll tell her, it's just what I thought." He slapped his phone shut. "They want to see you immediately. Now are you coming or do I have to drag you there?"
"I suppose..." Marie sat up slowly, swinging her feet to the ground. "There's really no need, but I'll do this for you." Her mind was flooded with panic, she didn't know how she was going to get out of this one, just that she had to, and fast.
"Thank you."
***
Fifteen minutes later, they pulled up in the car park of the Canley Health Centre. Marie had refused to speak to Jim for the entire duration of the journey, simply pressing herself up against the passenger door of the car, sniffling and sighing. Jim pulled into a parking space and opened his door, looking back as Marie didn't move. "Come on."
"I don't want to." Marie pouted at him, stalling for time.
"You have to. They're expecting you."
"I've told you - I'm OK, there's nothing they can do for me... I just have to rest."
"You promised me you would do this." Jim felt his anger bubbling up to a peak once more, and it was taking a monumental effort not to snap.
"I'm only doing this for you." Marie climbed slowly out of the car, dragging her feet and she headed towards the building in front of her.
"For me, and Ben." Jim swallowed, cursing the fact he had to bring his stepson into this. He reached the steps first, ascending them, placing his hand on the metal door handle. "It'll be alright. I'm here with you." He looked down at her.
Marie stood frozen at the bottom of the steps, her hand on the wall surrounding the flowerbed, steadying herself as her stomach churned. There was no way she could go in there and have the doctor tell Jim there was never a baby. She had to tell him this herself, she owed him that much. She knew she was going to lose him; her drastic attempt to keep him had failed. She looked up at him, her voice cracking as she spoke. "I can't."
Jim nodded to himself. "Why not?" He asked, his voice steady, level.
"I... I think you know why not." She looked away from him, kicking at a stone with the toe of her shoe.
"I do." Jim nodded. "That's why I didn't really call them. They don't want to see you, I just wanted to see how far you'd go with this."
"How long have you known?"
"I've suspected for a while... I've known since this afternoon."
"This afternoon?" Marie looked up and frowned.
"Two of my colleagues saw you - and heard you - in the Canley Arms. Then saw you come here, get a handful of leaflets and leave."
"And I bet *she* was one of those colleagues wasn't she." Marie sighed loudly, a feeling of defeat swamping over her.
"As a matter of fact she was." Jim descended the steps to meet her. "I know you know about our affair. Isn't that why you did this?"
"Partly." Marie shrugged. "I just couldn't bear the thought of losing you, not to her..."
"Marie... we lost each other a long time ago."
"I know that now... I just don't want to be alone again... but I've crossed the line this time haven't I? I just wanted you to love me."
"I tried, Marie, but I was lying to myself... there's only one person I love... and I'm sorry. I couldn't live the lie any more, I started drinking again... but June found me and stopped me...and..." He shrugged.
"Are you still seeing her?"
"No... when I found out about... the pregnancy I broke it off with her, she didn't take it well."
"I suppose I should give you up gracefully. I know it's over between us... I just hate the idea of her winning the war."
"She hasn't. I don't know if there is a future for June and me. At the moment we're friends... we love each other, but..." He shook his head. "Like she says, loving each other isn't always enough..."
"I did... do love you Jim... go back to her, it's obvious you want to... obvious you two are meant to be together... I'm sorry for screwing up your life..." Marie looked up to him, her face tearstained.
"No, that was me... I'm an expert at it. I'm sorry I got you involved when I should have just gone back to June. But thank you, for making me look at myself differently... making me realise that I can commit... that I can... marry..."
"I hope you and June are happy together... Will do you one thing for me though?"
"Course I will." He smiled at her, pressing a hand to her shoulder.
"Don't stop seeing Ben... he loves you like you're his real father."
"Thank you... I love him too." Jim smiled, leaning forward and kissing her forehead. "I do love you, Marie, it's just... time to be honest." He looked back over to the car. "Let's go home, I'll pack a few things and start looking for somewhere new."
"Thanks Jim. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, it just did. Then I was stuck with it. I'm sorry." She followed him towards the car. "I just... I couldn't admit it was over."
"Nor could I... for months, but then... with June... I... found myself again. Mentally, and..." He rolled his eyes. "She brought me back to life."
"I found the photos." She wiped her eyes. "You looked so happy, all three of you."
"We were. It was how it should have been... and it's me that messed up, not you. We both lied to each other... for the same reasons."
"Don't blame yourself Jim... I made you fall in love with me... but... thanks for everything you did after Sonia..."
"That was my job..." Jim shrugged. "Should have left it there, eh." He smiled sadly.
"When it was good it *was* good." Marie smiled up at him. "But I guess we're too different... and I'm not June."
"No, you're not... I just *need* to be with her, Marie, I cant explain it."
"She's a part of you Jim... I hope she takes you back, honestly I do... you deserve to be happy. Just... just don't ask me to like her, I'm sure she's a lovely woman, but I feel like I've been married to both of you all this time."
"I can understand that." Jim nodded. "I don't know what is going to happen, but... living alone is better than living a lie."
"If you want to stay til you're sorted out that's fine..."
"No... I... I'd better not."
"Well, if she won't have you and you've got nowhere else, come back..." Marie nodded at him.
"No, Marie. It's over."
"I know it is... I just don't want you out of the streets because of me."
"I'll find somewhere." Jim sighed. "Now come on, let's get back, explain this to Ben and I'll get out of your hair."
"OK." Marie sighed. "Let's get this over and done with."
***
Around half an hour ago it had started to rain, streams of water were trickling down his windscreen and obscuring his view. Belatedly shaking himself back into reality, he flipped on his windscreen wipers and watched as they ground and squeaked into life.
He was aware that he wasn�t really concentrating, the fact was nagging away at him in the back of his mind but he was trying to cram his head with mind-numbing logistics of what he had to do next, where were the cheapest B&B�s, or should he try to find a bed-sit� or treat himself to a hotel room for the night. He had already considered and discounted the possibility of going over to June's � he was unsure of where the two of them stood, and it was too late, too dark, too cold and he was too tired to go through it all tonight. After a good night's sleep - if that could be possible - maybe then he would be able to face it.
There was one thing he wouldn't let himself think about, because every time it invaded his conscious thoughts it brought with it an unbearable sense of� he tried to deny it but he knew it was grief. Even through his doubts, there had always been a part of him that believed that he was to be a father, and he felt the loss as keenly as if the miscarriage had been genuine. So, in order to save himself further pain, he avoided it, bottled it up as he had done so many hurtful things in his life, part of him knowing that some day, in some way, it would be released, and he couldn't bear to consider the consequences.
Little did he know just how soon that release would come.
***
He didn't know where he was going any more, he drove round and around the familiar streets of Sun Hill, passing landmarks once, twice, more. His concentration was devoted to his driving now, the rain having become much heavier, ominous rumbles of thunder cracked through the air along with the odd, sudden flash of lightning.
Torrents of water ran out of blocked drains and cascaded down the streets. He jumped suddenly as it started to hail, stones the size of ball bearings bouncing from his car, cracking like gunshots.
Just for a moment, his vision ahead was blinded, and in a panic, he slammed on the brakes. He hit a large puddle dead on, water cascading over his car, flooding his brakes and causing him to aquaplane, losing momentary control.
As his vision cleared, his eyes widened as he saw he was headed straight toward the pavement, straight toward a metal streetlight. Fighting the instinct to slam his eyes shut and wait for the impact, he pulled at the wheel desperately, trying to pull himself away from the imminent collision, feeling control return to him, but a little too late as his car mounted the kerb and there was a horrendous crunch of metal on metal.
................. on to Part Twelve
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