Warning: Contains sex, lies and�.pink fluffy stuff :D. 75% angst/25% romance
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Part One
June Ackland sat in a darkened corner of The Tavern, hidden away from the bustle of those enjoying a social drink. On the table in front of her lay several empty glasses, the one in her hand containing a double whiskey, which she sipping slowly. This had become almost a daily ritual, not the once a week drink with friends she was used to. If she wasn't in the pub she was at home doing exactly the same thing. It was the only way she could get through the lonely nights.
In the opposite corner, just near the door of the ladies toilets, sat Jim Carver. Clutched in his hands was a pint glass, the remnants of its contents simply wetting the bottom of the glass. Before him lay a photograph, of him and Marie on their wedding day. He rolled his eyes, said something inaudible under this breath, then picked the picture up and slowly, methodically ripped it in two.
That done, he placed the two halves of the photograph into the black ashtray on the table, just for once cursing the fact that he had given up smoking, a small blaze would have been most satisfying given his current mood. He got to his feet, and walked to the bar, his step steady even after three beers - he knew from experience it would take a lot more to have an effect on him. "Same again please." He said in a dull monotone, dropping the glass unceremoniously onto the bar.
June arrived at the bar a moment after him, her hand holding onto the edge to steady her, the effects of the numerous whiskeys she had consumed already apparent. "Double whiskey, no ice." She watched as the bar tender filled the glass with the sweet brown liquor. Handing over the money, she turned to make her way to back to her corner, accidentally catching the man stood beside her with her elbow. "Sorry." She muttered, not looking up.
"It's O..." He stopped, looked up at her. "June."
"Jim?" She flicked her eyes up to him. "What are you doing here?"
"Reckon you could work that one out for yourself." He snapped as he dug in his pocket for a five-pound note. "And I could ask you the same question."
"I'm allowed to have a drink."
"Then so am I. I don't need a lecture." He paid the barman, swivelled away from her and headed back to his empty table.
June watched as Jim mooched over to his table, unsure whether or not to follow, whether or not she could face another row. A few seconds later she headed back to her own table, watching Jim out of the corner of her eye as she sipped her drink.
Jim took a sip from his fresh pint, then placed it carefully dead centre on the beer mat. He glanced out of the window, twilight and dusk had come and gone without him noticing, it was now dark and the telltale brown haze of the London night sky obscured his view of any stars. In the car park, a young couple got out of their car and headed towards the building, arms locked around each other. He felt a lump form in his throat and concentrated his gaze more determinedly, desperate not to let anyone see him crying.
June shook her head as she saw him wipe his face roughly with the back of his hand, her stomach flipping as she sensed something was wrong � more wrong than him just turning back to the alcohol. Gathering her belongings together, she picked up her glass and crossed the room slowly, her head spinning ever so slightly as the alcohol rushed through her veins. She paused beside him. "Mind if I join you? They don't recommend drinking on your own."
"Do what you want, you always do." He muttered, refusing to look her way.
"If you're going to be like that I'll go back over there."
"No... no, I'm sorry." He sighed deeply and looked over to her. "You don't know how sorry." His gaze drifted downward, towards the ashtray and the two halves of the photograph
June frowned as she followed his gaze to the photo. "What happened there?"
"What is it you call it... conceptual art? Signifying how the artist feels inside... I could probably win the Turner Prize with that."
"If a crumbled bed can win a prize anything can." June smiled, easing her body into the seat opposite Jim.
"Yeah." He picked up his glass and sipped at it. "What have you got there?" He nodded towards her glass.
"Whiskey." June shrugged.
"'Course. Sorry, I'm a bit out of practice." He smiled wryly.
"Making up for lost time by the looks of it." She drained her glass and dropped it onto the table with a clunk. "Can I get you another?"
"I... no. It's not going to change anything." He pushed the glass away.
"You sure?" June got to her feet. "I'm buying."
"I'm sure... take this to the bar, if you want to get me something, get me an orange juice."
"Fine..." June picked up his glass along with her own and crossed the room to the bar. She returned a few minutes later with two orange juices. "Don't like drinking on my own..."
"I don't like drinking. But it seems to like me." He reached up for the glass. "Thanks."
"It has its uses... helps you to forget."
"Yeah... but then you sober up and everything is still the same. You still have to wake up to the reality that you've ruined your life, that the future is just... so bleak and pointless..." He trembled slightly, then picked up the half of the photograph that pictured Marie and ripped it up into tiny pieces.
"Maybe we should never sober up." She nodded at the photograph. "What's that all about?"
"Sick of her face gloating up at me." He scowled.
"Oh." June nodded, unsure what to say. "That why you're here?"
"It's this or her, the telly, monotonous sex..." He flushed, looked away. "Sorry, too much detail."
"You can say that again." June studied her orange juice intently.
"Any love we had between us died weeks ago." He sighed. "We don't even really pretend any more... we barely speak. I was prepared to adjust to married life, knew things wouldn't be the same, but... she's even stopped me going to my diving club, won't let me out of her sight once I'm home."
"Drinking isn't the answer you know."
"I know. I know that. But I can't see what else to do. I tell her I want to leave her, she changes the subject, won't listen... it's impossible, she's impossible." He downed half of his orange juice in one.
"Then walk out... leave her� if things are that bad, get away from her." June shrugged.
"I've got nowhere to go, other than to another dingy flat, I can hardly afford anything with property prices the way they are. I'll be lucky if I get a bedsit. So, I plant myself in this rut, and... stay there. The easy option - you know just how fond I am of that."
"You could afford to rent before... why not now?" June bit her lip, cursing herself as thoughts of her own spare room... her own bed filled her head.
"I think it's because I'd miss... having someone there. For the last few months there's been Marie, before that, y..." He stopped, shook his head. "So... why are you here?"
"Beats a cold, lonely house." She looked away from his gaze.
"Beats a cold wife and a cold heart." Jim nodded. "Cheers."
"Cheers." June clinked her glass against his and took a long gulp. "Could do with some vodka in it..."
Jim shook his head slowly. "You... do what you like. I've got to go."
"Stay." She grabbed his wrist. "Please..."
"I can't do this again. If I stay here I know what will happen, the conversation will get back to us and we'll argue again. At least now we're being civil." He pulled his arm away, reached for his jacket. "That's probably about as much as I can hope for."
"Then we don't talk about us." June muttered. "Please stay."
"That's just it, that's all I want to talk about. I need to tell you how sorry I am and how many regrets I have, and how right you were and how much I need you back in my life, but I can't deal with your anger, the rejection..."
"Who said I'd be angry..."
"You always are. Or you cry, and that's worse." He pulled on his jacket.
"Don't go." She sniffed, concentrating on her orange juice, hiding her face away from him. "I won't get angry."
"Sorry." He whispered. "There was one more thing that I've wanted to tell you though..." He fiddled with his jacket zip aimlessly.
"Go on..."
"That I miss you." He shrugged, and began to walk away to the doors.
"Jim..." She called out after him. "Why do you think I'm here?"
"I don't know." He spun to look at her. "If I say it's because of me, you'll tell me it's not. Tell me I'm not god's gift, that you're over me."
"I... I hate going home to that empty house. Toto's good but nothing beats human company. I guess I'm just a lonely old woman."
"See." Jim hunched his shoulders. "Again, you take away that opening, that hope. That possibility that... June, I've never got over you. I think about you all the time. From the moment I wake up to last thing at night."
"I've not taken away any hope... what have I said that makes you think I'm over you?"
"I... just the way you treat me. You're entitled to be angry, you're entitled to hate me - moving back into uniform was quite a signal."
"Why... why do you think I did that Jim?"
"I think it was because you couldn't stand to be around me. And I can't blame you for that. I can rarely stand to be around myself."
"I couldn't stand to be around you... but only because I hated the fact I was so close to you and couldn't touch you. Now I'm stuck back in that stupid uniform... why do you think I drink myself to sleep almost every night."
"You could have just told me. Back then... you told me your feelings hadn't changed but you never told me what your feelings were. I never truly believed that you loved me the way I loved..." He stopped, swallowed. "Love... you."
"You doubted that I loved you?" June gulped.
"I'm sorry..." He swallowed, turned and moved to the doors, pushing them open and stepping out into the dark, starting a little as he was bathed by the glow of a security light.
June grabbed her jacket and gave chase, tears in her eyes. "You can't walk out and leave it like this Jim."
"It's too late, all of it. I pushed you and pushed you and ruined everything we had, twenty years of friendship..."
"No... I ruined it... I should never have believed that clairvoyant... should never have proposed."
"It's got nothing to do with that, June, I *made* you love me, it's no wonder I doubted it... doubted it was real. Some stupid part of me thought you were just saying what you knew I wanted to hear."
"You didn't *make* me love you. I love you for who you are. How could you ever doubt that?"
"You have to remember something, this is me, Jim Carver, screw up."
"Am I such a cold hearted person that I'm incapable of showing my love for anyone?" She turned away from him as tears coursed down her face.
"No, no, you showed it in so many ways, *I* was just too blind to see it! Then I met Marie and everything was so simple, too simple, I didn't realise that real love needs to be worked at... that it's not easy, that... real love is what I had with you."
"My love for you couldn't have been real enough if you doubted it. I'm sorry Jim. Maybe I'm incapable of loving anyone."
"June... I've got something to say to you and you can react how you want. Scream at me, cry, get angry, whatever, but just let me say it while I've got the guts."
"Go on then." She turned to face him, wiping at her face roughly.
"June... I love you. I need you. I've torn your life apart and I don't deserve forgiveness. If your life is going to be better without me around... tell me now."
"I've never stopped loving you Jim... I need you... but you're married now... I've been there before and it always ends in tears."
"That's all I needed to know." He nodded, then shoved his hands into his pockets and walked away towards his car.
"No Jim... come back." She chased after him, the alcohol pounding through her body, and grabbed him, spinning him to face her. "You aren't running away from me like this."
"If I stay, I screw up your life even more. I'm going to leave Sun Hill, and Marie, see what I can find somewhere else. See if I can find myself again."
"No, you're not leaving." She grabbed his jacket. "You are NOT leaving Sun Hill."
"Then STOP me!" He yelled back at her, his face slick with tears.
"How?" June sobbed, pounding her fists against his chest. "How?"
"Give me a reason to stay."
"I need you."
"More than that."
"I want you." She looked into his eyes.
"Then show me." He said softly.
"Do you trust me when I'm drunk?"
"I trust what I see in your eyes." He said softly, moving a hand up to stroke her cheek lightly, looking at her questioningly when she reached up and grabbed his wrist. "I'm sorry... I..." His eyes darkened and looked away.
"Don't apologise... I..." She shook her head.
"What...." His eyes met hers, brimming over with tears.
"I hate seeing you like this."
"Like what..." His brow crinkled into a frown.
"Upset... hurt... drunk..."
"That's my problem to deal with. I made the mistake, now I have to face the consequences, I just never knew that losing you would be the consequence that I simply couldn't take."
"Don't do this Jim... don't get my hopes up then go back to her." June ducked her head as her tears flowed freely.
"I don't WANT to go back to her."
"Then don't..." June sobbed.
"I can't just walk away and say nothing... you have to realise that."
"It never stopped you last time." June muttered.
Jim looked at her for a moment, then looked up at the night sky, his tears spilling over. "What do I have to do..." He gulped. "To prove to you how sorry I am. To prove to you that I would do anything to go back to the moment you asked me to marry you and say yes?"
"I don't know Jim... I really don't know... I should go home..." She turned and stumbled towards the main road.
He watched her for a moment, then chased after her, clamping his hand down on her shoulder. She spun round to look at him. "Just let me go Jim... don't complicate things."
"There's nothing complicated about the way I'm feeling." He placed his other hand on her right shoulder, then leant in and kissed her softly.
"No Jim..." June pulled away quickly. "You're married... I've been there before... it ALWAYS ends in tears."
"It doesn't have to, not if we don't let it!"
"It's wrong..." She looked up into his damp eyes, biting her lip, trying to convince herself. "It's wrong."
"Does it feel wrong? Because if it does, then fine, I'll let you go."
"You know it doesn't feel wrong."
"Then let's take the risk..." He leant into her once more, again softly kissing her, glancing up, questioningly, awaiting her reaction.
She looked up at him and met his eyes as she leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his neck, surrendering to his tight embrace.
"I've missed you..." He breathed, a hand wiping her teartracks away.
"Not more than I've missed you."
"You'd be surprised... just being able to touch you again..."
"I've missed you *so* much."
"June..." Jim pulled her closer, letting her feel the full effect that her closeness, the rawness of his emotion was having on him.
"I want you... now..." June breathed.
Jim cast around himself, his eyes lighting on a small shed, unilluminated, which stood a couple of hundred metres from the pub. He pulled back, took her hand, looked at her questioningly, asking her silently if she would follow.
"Jim..." June laughed, setting off towards the darkness. "Right here, right now?"
"I don't want to waste another minute." He turned to look at her. "I've already wasted too much time I could have spent with you."
She stopped suddenly, kissing him again, this time with more urgency. "Come on then..."
His eyes lighting up as June pulled him further into the darkness, determinedly ignoring the corner of his mind telling him that this was wrong, he laughed, the sound alien to his ears, unfamiliar after so much misery.
June pushed him up against the side of the shed, her hands unbuttoning his shirt and delving under the warm material. "This is... romantic." She laughed.
"This is perfect..." He unbuttoned her light brown jacket, found the button of her black trousers, his hands trembling and fumbling with it.
"I wouldn't go that far." June grinned. She slid her hands down to his belt buckle, undoing it before turning her attention to his trousers.
"I would..." His eyes darkened suddenly, he placed his hands on her waist and spun her round so her back was against the damp wooden wall.
"Taking control are we?" She slowly undid his zip, slipping her hand into his boxer shorts.
"I need you..." He murmured, leaning in and nibbling at her neck as his hands slid her trousers down over her hips. "Now..."
"You do, do you?" Her voice was low and husky as she bent her head to kiss his chest, her other hand still teasing him lightly.
"June..." His eyes fell closed, savouring the newness and excitement but also the sheer familiarity of it all.
"I've missed you..." She breathed, lifting her head up and capturing his lips once more. "So... so much."
"Then why didn't you just tell me..." He looked at her, his hurt and confusion again evident.
"Because you're married." June said softly.
"Not... any... more..." Jim breathed. "You're the only one for me, June Ackland... I..." His breath caught in his throat. He pushed her gently back against the wall, pressing his body against hers, kissing her lips, her chin, moving down to her neck, while one hand slid between her legs, roamed over her underwear.
June tipped her head back, moaning softly as Jim's hand explored her body, his mouth nipping at the tender skin on her neck. "Jim..." She breathed. "Please..."
His eyes met hers, then slowly pushed her underwear down, smiling as June's hand came down and helped him, urgent, ready and waiting.
"I love you." She breathed sliding her hands around his waist, pulling him closer to her.
"I know... I'll never doubt you again..." He slid inside her, hearing her gasp, seeing the slight smile flicker on her lips. "I love you too, and I'm sorry..."
"Don't apologise... just kiss me." She pushed her body closer against his, her breathing already uneven as she slowly slid her arms around his back.
"Yes, ma'am..." He leant in and captured her lips, their tongues meeting, fighting, then dancing in their mouths. The pace was fevered, urgent, as if making up for last time, both knew this would not last for long but neither seemed to want it to, simply wanted to relive the memory of something so long lost and neglected.
June was the first to break the kiss, her head tipped back once more and she reached out for Jim's hands, entwining their fingers together as they moved as one, their pace increasing with his every thrust. She was unable to speak, her breath coming out in fits and moans.
"June..." His head fell to her shoulder, and there was nothing in his mind now except for the sensations that were running through his body, such as he had never experienced before, not even when he and June had been together. He felt he was at his peak, but all this was now out of his control, his body desperate for more.
"Jim... I..." June gasped as she felt him come inside her, her own body reacting with wave upon wave of pure pleasure as he collapsed against her, her arms instinctively wrapping around him, holding him close to her.
He regained his breath and composure, then looked up at her. He met her eyes for a moment, then pulled back, fastened his jeans, and looked down and away.
"Jim?" June questioned, but got no response. She ducked her eyes, dressing quickly as he studied the floor.
He sighed the sigh of a man with the entire weight of the world on his shoulders, then slowly began to button his shirt. He did it wrong and cursed under his breath, looking up at her frustratedly.
"I'm sorry." June offered, buttoning up her jacket, straighten the rest of her clothes.
"No, it's my fault. This should never have happened."
"It was me... I should have gone home when I said."
"Maybe we should both just forget it." He turned and began to walk away. "None of this was real anyway, was it?"
June shook her head, fighting back tears. "I'm going home. Good night Jim."
"'Night June." Jim dug in his pocket for his car keys, heading towards a blue car parked in the car park.
June stopped dead as she heard the doors unlock. "You are NOT driving home PC Carver."
"What are you going to do?" He asked, not turning. "Arrest me?"
"If you try to drive, yes. You can't control yourself, let along a car."
"So it is my fault. Well, don't say I didn't tell you so." He flung open the car door, bundled himself in, and shut it with a bang, engaging the central locking and gunning the engine.
June stepped in front of the car. "Damn you Jim Carver, I'm not letting you do this."
"Get out of my WAY, June!" He revved the engine.
"And let you kill yourself?"
"Just get out of my way..." He slowly edged the car forward.
"Oh what's the point..." June shook her head and turned away, roughly wiping at her tears.
Jim looked up at her for a moment, then shook his head against his tears. Then he pulled away, leaving June with the echo of the screech of tyres then a horrible, empty silence.
***
................. on to Part Two
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