Sleepless nights. They�ve become the bane of my life. Endless dark hours, listening to him sleep next to me, going through the countless thoughts in my head that I want to share with him. The questions I need to ask, the reasons, his feelings. Oh his feelings, what is he going through right now? Just who do his loyalties lie with � and should I even dare to ask him that, do I have the right to?
You may aswell know we�ve hardly spoken in the last two weeks. The night since he told me about the baby I have withdrawn into myself. I�m finding it very� very, very difficult to deal with. I�m unsure what our next move will be. Where can we possibly go from here? For the first few days he tried to talk to me about it, bringing it up whenever we were alone � my stony silence eventually put him off. He hasn�t tried to speak to me about it since. He isn�t silent, far from it in fact. He cooks dinner every night, every damn night like nothing has happened. Forcing me to sit down with him, pouring me a glass of wine, talking to me about the bloody weather and the ridiculous things going on at work. Like I care, like there�s anything on my mind but the fact that we�re over, that this is the final nail in the coffin, the embers are already being scattered � everyone knows we�re finished.
He came home tonight to find me drunk. Not hysterically drunk, not singing joyfully or tripping up over furniture and stumbling to meet him in the doorway. Not throwing vases about and calling him every name under the sun. No, I wouldn�t do that, saint June doesn�t. I sit in the dark in the lounge with a bottle of wine, curled up on the sofa pouring glass after glass. Ironic that he visit his AA meeting as I sit at home drowning all my sorrows. He didn�t say anything. Took the bottle from my hand, lifted me up, took me upstairs, undressed me and put me to bed. I must have passed out, I don�t really remember. But I know I�m awake now, staring at the walls, at the ceilings, at his back.
He keeps telling me he loves me. Like that�s supposed to make things better, like it shouldn�t matter, what�s happened. Perhaps it doesn�t. Perhaps it doesn�t change a thing about how we feel about each other. But still... still it does to me. It sits in my throat every single moment of the day; I can�t swallow properly for it. I can taste his words, the inescapable fact that he�s going to have a child with somebody else. Now something about that isn�t right. It takes us nearly twenty years to get together and he gets another woman pregnant. And I�m supposed to accept that�
�I�m supposed to accept it.� I say out loud, to the darkness, to whoever cares to listen.
�Not accept it June - just try and talk to me about it.�
He�s facing me now.
�You think I don�t know that every night you lie there wide awake. You think I can sleep when you�re so upset.�
�Upset? That doesn�t even begin to explain.� My words are harsh, my voice quite neutral � I am proud of myself for it.
�So you don�t accept it,� He shrugs �then what, we split up again? You want that? Because I don�t, I love you.�
�You keep saying that, I wish you wouldn�t.�
�Fine, I know I�ve hurt you, I�m desperately sorry for it. If I could change things I would, hell you know I would never have allowed us to break up in the first place.�
�Oh and that make it alright then. We weren�t together so it didn�t mean anything, but the child will mean something Jim.�
�Of course it will, you know I want to be a father, but I want you more. So if giving that up to be with you it what it takes then I will.�
�Don�t put that on me, I wouldn�t � I couldn�t stop you from doing this.�
I feel calmer, breathing normally for a change, lying on my side to face him. �Does she know you want a part in this?�
�Yes, I�ve been to see her a few times. I know you don�t want to hear that but certain things needed to be sorted through.�
He�s touching my face.
�You�re a good woman June, you always have been. I�ve never known anyone as decent and honest as you.�
�That�s not always enough. Jim what if, what if we support this girl, she has your baby, we give her time and money and attention. We share in it all with her and then suddenly she disappears or the baby turns out not to be yours or you decide.� I have to try and swallow the lump again. �You decide the best thing would be for you and her to be parents together.�
�What do you mean?� He regards me for a second. �Oh god June, you think I�d leave you for her? Please, she and I have nothing. You, you are everything.�
�Don�t say things like that, I can�t deal with your confessions of love right now.� I had to get out of the bed, out of the closeness of the room, put some distance between us.
�Where are you going?�
�I don�t know � I need some air.�
�June!!�
I turn round and he�s sitting bolt upright in bed staring at me. �Ok, I accept it.� I shrug, what else is left to say? �I accept it all, you�re going to be father. We have months of hell on the way, I accept it. What else can I do Jim? I have no choice.�
I slept on the couch that night, in my own house I slept on the couch � can you believe that! I don�t accept it; I doubt I ever will be able to. But I�ll put up with it, I don�t want to lose him and I have no right to stop him from seeing his child, from having that chance. But when the baby is here and the balance is shifted I can�t help but feel I�ll be out in the cold � again�