strong � I�ll let you go your way. Love is gone, there�s no point in going on, and your pity now, would be more than I
could bear. So I�m gonna be strong � I�ll pretend I don�t care. I�m gonna be strong and stand as tall as I can. I�m
gonna be strong and let you go along, and take it like a man. When you say it�s the end, I�ll hand you a line oh I�ll
smile and say don�t you worry it�s fine. And you�ll never know darling after you�ve kissed me goodbye, how I�ll break
down and cry. Cry. Cry. Cry���
The still darkness was somewhat comforting, not bleak in the least, pitiful perhaps, self indulgent and melancholy. But then that�s how she felt. After all why else would she be sat down here at 2 in the morning, listening to the sound of the kettle boiling and watching Toto stretched indulgently out on her dressing gown. The one Jim had wrapped him up in just a few hours before, funny actually how quickly the transfer of attachment had been. One minute hating the stranger in the bed, the next rubbing his ankles instead of hers in a morning. She leant back against the soft pillows, it was still faintly warm in the lounge from their hours of watching television and relaxing and talking. But the entire night she knew it was coming. That dreadful feeling in the pit of her stomach; a realisation that things were about to change. Perhaps she�d been waiting for it since this entire thing had begun, since she�d fallen for him, since she�d let these feelings in. Her head dropped to the armrest as the kettle clicked off, did she really want tea now, what the hell did she want � just peace for a change�
Jim heard her get out of bed, lying flat on his back staring at the ceiling as she�d fussed with the sheets next to him, a coldness in the bed tonight had warned him things might happen. She�d pretended to try and sleep for a couple of hours before crawling out of bed as quietly as she possibly could. Groping for her dressing gown on the back of the door then realising where she�d left it and creeping out of the room, downstairs to the kitchen. He�d listened as she�d filled the kettle, could almost see her leaning against the tabletop and watching it for a second. Then she�d moved through to the lounge. He could visualise each movement, the slope of her shoulders and the whiteness of her skin in the darkness. This insomnia reminded him how she was right back at the beginning of their relationship. How they could make love and lie there and talk for hours but always she would fall asleep on �her� side of the bed. But after a few weeks she had found her way to him, now she always slept the same way. Her head on his chest, her arm so tight across him, holding him there. Not that he was complaining, he adored it, the feeling of belonging. Anyhow he�d allowed at least fifteen minutes to pass before he got out of bed � ready to face the music.
�June�� His voice was steady in the darkness, so rhythmic, to the point where she could almost see it dancing through the air towards her.
�Sorry, I couldn�t sleep.�
�Me neither� can I sit down?�
�Sure.�
�If Toto will let me.� He smiled easing down beside her, one arm draping towards her but not quite touching. Just there if she needed it, she was still avoiding his gaze though. �So, are you going to talk to me about this?�
�What�s to say?�
�What�s bothering you?�
Now she looked up at him. �It just occurred to me how easily I could just brush this off, say I�m worried about work or whatever� but I�m not.�
She waited for his reaction, but he remained silent, watching her as she fiddled with the cushion on her lap, staring at the floor.
�Sitting in the darkness is usually a sign something�s not going right.�
�It�s not that � everything is right, going very right.� She was fumbling for her words now. �I�ve just found this�and. Well we both know what the problem is. I saw the way you were with those kids Jim, I see all the time how you are with them, and don�t forget I�ve known you for many years. You�ve always had this little dream... the wife and the kids and the family home.�
�And you don�t buy into all that.�
�It�s not that I don�t buy into it, I agree with you it�s a wonderful idea on how life should be. But.�
�How did I know that would be coming?� he had turned now, facing straight ahead, parallel to her body.
�I just can�t Jim, I�ve thought of nothing else for the past week. I�ve been thinking about it since we started all this. On what you would want � need. And the limitations on what I can give.�
�Women older than you have children.� He said petulantly.
She inwardly sighed at his tone. �That�s not the point and you know it. This is me, not some other woman. I�m 46 years old, I�ve passed the age to walk around pregnant and take the care and time to raise a child, to give it everything. I�m set in my ways, I�m stubborn and in many ways very selfish. And I realise all this. Look how long it took for me to accept you.�
She had swung her legs up beneath her on the sofa, looking at him, confident in what she was saying � well resolved anyway. �I do love you Jim, I love all this and I want to share everything with you and make it work and last forever and all that� whatever you want. I just can�t have a child, it�s not meant for me, it�s not who I am.�
They were silent now, he leaning forward on his knees and she staring at his back. She longed to touch him but was unsure how he�d react. Finally he leant back, trapping her arm behind him.
�Are you ok?�
He nodded.
�I�m sorry I�m doing this now� but there really would be no good time. And I understand you know, it�s not that it will be easy or anything. But you don�t have to sacrifice your hopes for mine��
Now he swung his body defensively, looking straight at her. �What are you suggesting?�
She was unprepared for the anxiety stretching from his voice into those kind eyes and thus rubbed frantically at her eyes as the moisture formed. �I�m saying you don�t have to stay � bluntly I know but well it�s there�� She tried to swallow the lump in the back of her throat. �There are so many women who would be more than willing to do anything for you.�
�But, it�s you.�
She smiled despite the sheer rawness of the moment. Something so painful and messy and yet he extracted sweetness from it.
�I love you.�
�I know,� She took a deep breath trying to settle her nerves. �But if you can�t be a Father, and Jim I realise just how good a Father you would make, then won�t that mean some part of you is missing? And as much as you love me and as happy as we are right now in the future won�t you come to resent me for this, for not being able to make the sacrifice.�
�So instead I have to make the sacrifice?�
She shook her head. �No, that�s not what I�m saying�� She reached for his hand and squeezed it.
�Couldn�t we just� just try?�
�No, don�t you see I�d be almost 70 before the poor thing left home, not enough time and energy and playfulness to be a parent. I can cope for a few odd hours then I want my life back again. I�m so sorry.�
�Then I won�t.�
�Jim��
�No, I won�t end this, I�ve waited my entire life to feel this way, I thought you felt the same.�
He was sobbing now, and she reached for his head and brought it down to rest on her chest. Rocking him against her. �I do, I�ve told you I do, I don�t want to hurt you.�
�Then don�t end this.�
�It�s your decision Jim, not mine.�