strong � I�ll let you go your way. Love is gone, there�s no point in going on, and your pity now, would be more than I
could bear. So I�m gonna be strong � I�ll pretend I don�t care. I�m gonna be strong and stand as tall as I can. I�m
gonna be strong and let you go along, and take it like a man. When you say it�s the end, I�ll hand you a line oh I�ll
smile and say don�t you worry it�s fine. And you�ll never know darling after you�ve kissed me goodbye, how I�ll break
down and cry. Cry. Cry. Cry���
Perhaps it wouldn�t actually be that bad to have his baby after all. In fact the thought sent a queer thrill through her, excitement at being able to do such a thing. But as she reached down to her stomach the only concrete feeling was fear. That somehow it was wrong and not entirely what she wanted, and if she didn�t want it then why would she commit herself. It wasn�t like going on a roller coaster for a dare even though she loathed heights, it was for life, her life � and it wasn�t the way she wanted it to go.
That night she had slept fitfully, Jim had wrapped himself around her, his head firmly clamped to her chest and had slept deeply � hardly even moving. But their conversation had replayed itself over and over again. In the end what it came down to was what did he want more, to have a life with her or a life as a Father. He�d reacted so badly when she�d suggested they split up � but that was here and now. Whilst he was still deeply in love with her, infatuated with her, fresh in his devotion. The pain was just a surface wound compared to the longevity of never having a child � well that�s what she believed anyhow. She didn�t doubt his love for her, but she doubted his sudden conviction to spend a childless life with her. A decision made in a second. That would lose its appeal over time.
When she�d woken alone there was a sudden feeling that gripped at her, twisting at her insides to the point where she felt almost physically sick. She�d gotten out of bed and moved around the house, simply to make some noise and quench the silence. Perhaps he had gone � what if he had gone? No, he wouldn�t do that. But this is what it would be like if he did go, empty. It was so cold outside she felt as if the house had frozen solid. She sat by the heater in the kitchen forcing down a cup of tea with Toto on her lap. It was the guilt you see, that hurt the most, and the fear of being alone again.
That was how Jim had found her, dosing in the chair in the kitchen. Toto licked his fingers as he reached to touch her and she�d jumped at the contact. �Morning,� he kissed her. �I�ll make fresh tea and I guess you haven�t had breakfast yet.�
She shook her head, he was smiling, and he looked good. So awake and fresh and healthy � humming too as he moved around the kitchen refilling the kettle and searching in the fridge for eggs. Since he�d moved in the fridge had been fully stocked almost everyday, he had pretty much taken over the shopping and the cooking too � something she loathed to do. She wanted to say something about the night before, but he looked so good she didn�t dare ruin it.
* * *
June stared blankly at the screen in front of her, swaying slightly in her chair and fiddling with the chain round her neck. Her mind wasn't here; in fact it hadn't been here for a while. It had been over a month since she and Jim had 'the' conversation, and since then he'd never mentioned it, not one word, but he'd changed - very subtly. Of course he still treated her the same, still made her feel like the most important person in his life, still laughed with her and treated her to little gifts - like the chain she was fiddling with now. But when he smiled now, it never quite seemed to reach his eyes the way it had before. His hope had gone, his plans for the future, and she couldn't bear the fact that it was she who had taken that hope away.
"Night Sarge." Brandon said as he passed her desk.
"That time already?"
"Gone seven, Cathy left ages ago."
"I didn't notice."
He stopped by the door, pulling his jacket on and hovering between offering assistance and just getting on with his own life. "Everything ok, you seem a little distracted."
She lifted her head up vaguely and produced a smile. "Yes, yes everything's fine, just dull reports."
"Ah, see you tomorrow."
"Yes, bye."
The door swung after him and her shoulders immediately relaxed, leaning back in her chair and stretching her legs out as she did so. She swung round to look out the window, a clear night, she could even see some stars from her position. And Jim's desk, he must have left a while ago too, he'd said bye she was sure, how come she hadn't noticed, how come she'd not left with him. There was that ache again inside, regret, guilt, that feeling that everything was going wrong - slipping out of her control.
* * *
The frost from the morning had finally melted, but already the fresh was beginning to reek its havoc on her garden path, and the leaves on the sidewalk, once sublimely autumn, had become nothing but mush. It was almost Christmas; oh her most hated time of the year. No, perhaps hated wasn't the right word, she disliked it - partly because she was always alone, partly because her hands and feet always swelled up from the cold and partly because she was always forced to spend the few days over Christmas at her Brother's house - the days she couldn't claim she was working. At least new year she could say they needed extra cover, but no there were at least three or four days when she was submerged into the gloriously happy family life of her brother, with their perfect children, sumptuous home and ever expanding love. As sickly as she had always found it deep down she knew it was jealousy, but she preferred to stick to her 'its all too much' line - gave her more credibility after all. She smiled to herself as she slid the front door open, slipping her shoes quickly off and rubbing her sore toes. "Jim."
The lounge door opened and he jumped out, bits of sellotape were placed strategically down his arm and there was definitely a ribbon of some type around his neck. She grinned at the sight.
"Nice look."
"You can't come in just yet, give me five, no ten minutes."
"Yes sir - I'll go change. Have you eaten?"
"Yes, there's some pizza left in the kitchen - I wasn't sure what time you'd be home."
She began to climb the stairs, noticing how he watched her. "Don't worry I won't sneak a look in there."
"Just making sure." He smiled and she disappeared upstairs.
*
So he'd started buying Christmas presents, in fact probably had been doing for months in fact - she had noticed the expanding collection of neatly wrapped parcels on top of his wardrobe. And what had she bought? Not much really - some jumper that he'd picked when they out shopping one day, she'd never actually been very good at present buying and her mind always seemed to go blank when faced with the prospect of what to buy people. She stripped off her trousers and jumper and reached for something comfortable to wear. And just when had he resorted to having take out pizza for dinner, a singleton habit or another sign he was slipping away from her, he used to cook, in fact he used to love to cook. She found her dressing gown and pulled it on as she made her way back downstairs. Perhaps she was over analysing too much; perhaps he just couldn't be bothered to cook. She would make an effort tonight, give him her full attention.
* * *
"Am I allowed in yet?"
"Certainly." Jim opened the door, grinning at her and quickly skipping upstairs with an armful of packages. "Make yourself comfortable, I'll get you some tea."
The room was comfortably warm, inviting, and he'd even taken to burning a candle in the hearth so it smelt nice in there. Honestly he was more domesticated than she was. She sighed as she noted the few ends of wrapping paper left on the carpet and dropped down onto the couch. She closed her eyes and immediately felt her mind begin to drift; she was awfully tired these days.
Jim stopped by the lounge door and watched her, lying so peacefully on the sofa, a leg just visible through the gap in her dressing gown. It had been a while since they'd made love, not a surprise - the newness of a relationship always disappeared after a while, and with it the excitement of being with that person. But he missed it nevertheless, not just the sex but the intimacy, the pleasure of feeling her skin against his, her voice whispering his. Like that she was abandoned, she was herself, and she was with him.
He placed a hand on her shoulder. "Shall I warm the pizza for you, get you a cup of tea?"
"Mmm, that would be lovely." She smiled, contented.
* * *
He sat on the floor while she ate, flicking through the paper and nattering on. "Where do you keep all your decorations? We should get round to it soon or it will be too late to even bother."
"I hardly ever bother."
"Why not?" Now he looked up at her.
"Because, there's always just me and it takes too long, Toto only makes a mess of them anyhow. And I always go to my Brothers where they have an abundance of decorations for me to see."
"You didn't mention we were going there, will be nice, they have kids don't they - kids make a Christmas." He returned to his paper.
He didn't realise what he'd said, he certainly didn't mean it as taking a dig at her, it was a throw away comment, but still it stung. "I didn't say we were going, I said I always go - they only invite me because they feel sorry for poor Aunty June stuck on her own down here."
"I'm sure that's not the reason - perhaps they're can't get enough of your infectious Christmas spirit."
She smiled despite herself and looked down at her empty plate. "Sorry."
"That's ok," He got up and took the plate from her. "Try and cheer up though, it's Christmas not the end of the world, and besides neither of us are alone this year and if we go to your Brothers we do, if we don't we don't - either way I'm not bothered, we'll have a good time if we stay at home I'll cook. And we'll stuff ourselves silly and then watch the bad movies on TV."
"Don't forget the tin of Roses to see us through..." She called after him as he returned to the kitchen.
She leant back on the sofa and listened to the sound of him laughing in the kitchen, as he fussed with the dishes. Everything was going to be okay, wasn�t it, in the end. Just simple domesticity � that was all she craved. A happy home, a peaceful life, somebody to love her. She�d spent a lifetime trying to find this, why shouldn�t it work out for once?