now I�m free, cause I believe in you & me.�
Train Journeys, something traditional about them, old fashioned. Despite the modern high-tech trains we�re subject to travelling in these days. And of course standing around on over-crowded platforms awaiting the arrival of one of these state of the art machines is not part of the �traditional� feel. But nevertheless, I like train journeys, especially at this time of night when the train is virtually empty. Only a handful of travellers, businesspeople mostly, the odd briefcase and laptop left open as they doze off on the journey home. Room to stretch my legs anyway here, worth travelling late at night for that alone, a window seat and a table� and Jim struggling down the aisle with two coffee�s and a paper bag under his arm. I know I shouldn�t laugh but I can�t help it.
* *
�What�s so funny?�
�You � I think you�ve spilt most of that on the way back.�
�Ha ha, didn�t notice you offering to go and fetch something for us.�
�I wasn�t the one complaining he �hadn�t eaten in hours�.� June leant forward and took the lid off the cup, pouring in a little cream.
�So I don�t suppose you want one of these then.� Jim held up the plastic boxes and waved them in front of her face. She snatched his hand and prized one of them from his fingers.
�Don�t be so smart.�
�As if I�d dare to be Sergeant.� He smiled cheekily before biting into his sandwich.
�Don�t call me that here, I�d like to forget about work for the weekend, seems to be nothing but bad news at the moment.� She rubbed her forehead and closed her eyes, dropping the sandwiches into her lap.
�I wish you�d talk about it with me, instead of trying to deal with it all yourself.�
�CSU is under performing � you knew that, what else is there to say?� She shrugged. �I have to prove our worth.�
�I know.� He leant forward and touched her fingertips, and smiled broadly again. �And having a drain on resources such as myself does it.�
She smiled now in return. �Oh I don�t know � I rather like having you around.�
�Which I guess is why I�m privileged enough to be here now I guess.�
�Privileged? I don�t know about that.�
�I do.�
�Thank you.� She squeezed his hand before letting go and reaching for her coffee.
* *
We arrived very late in the evening, took a cab to the pub where my brother was staying and collected the key for Jim�s room. I planned to stay with Louisa � keep her company for a couple of days and then we could all go out for a meal or whatever and she wouldn�t feel like she was on show so much. I wanted her to be sure I wasn�t on anybody�s side � I loved them both, I was hoping and praying day after day that they would work it out, and not just for the sake of the boys but for each other. But then who am I to give relationship guidance, after all I�m not actually doing so fucking great really am I? Keeping this man hanging on � knowing how he feels for me and dating him and allowing us to go so far and then stopping it. What the hell am I playing at � why aren�t I in that room with him, sharing his bed and loving the feel of his arm across my body, holding me to him? So many mistakes�
* *
�Well, I better be off.�
�Thanks for helping me carry my one bag up��
�Oh very funny.� June leant against the door, one hand behind her back gripping the handle. �It�s not my fault some of us pack one pair of jeans and a couple of t-shirts.�
�And a shirt I�ll have you know � besides somebody dropped it on me last thing this afternoon, I didn�t really have time to plan.� He moved across the room to her, his palm flat against the wall so he could lean in closer to her.
She looked up at him, at his smile and warm lingering gaze. �It�s getting late.�
�I know � are you sure Louisa won�t mind you waking her up at this time?�
She leaned even further back on the door, stretching her back and neck that ached from sitting for so long on the train.
�You could stay you know�� He held his hands up. �Not what you think, I can sleep on the floor, must be spare blankets here.�
�I wouldn�t ask you too.� She swallowed, leant forward and kissed him gently. �If I stay we both know what will happen.�
�I know � and we don�t want to rush anything.�
�Is that sarcasm?�
�Not at all, I don�t want to mess it up this time.�
She kissed him again, longer this time, more sure of herself.
He didn�t open his eyes for a second, just took a breath to try and control his self. �I do��
�You do what?� She straightened his shirt collar.
�Nothing, it doesn�t matter, want me to walk you down?�
�I think I can manage, see you tomorrow.�
�When tomorrow?�
She laughed. �I�ll call you in the morning.�
�Early?�
�Not too early. Go to bed.� She opened the door behind her and slipped out.
* *
He looked young, very young and happier than I�d seen him in weeks. His hair fine and blonde resting on his forehead, his eyes shaded in the candlelight. I leant back in my chair to avoid the unflattering glow it created upon my features, how old my skin would look under intense gaze. He was lively too, funny, keeping the conversation flowing so it never became awkward for Louisa or Graham. Perhaps I hadn�t rushed it by asking him here after all. It had rained all day; we�d spent it at Louisa�s house, taking care of the children so she was able to have some time to herself. Of course Jim was almost ecstatic, quite happy to roll around in the dirt with them, play football and hide and seek. I�ve never been one for sports, something I always loathed at school � a complete waste if time in my opinion. So I was more than happy to read the paper and relax in the garden while they amused themselves. In the evening we arranged for the boys to be looked after while I convinced their parents to spend some much needed time together.
The restaurant was probably too expensive, I was probably drinking too much wine and Jim was probably over compensating for my quietness by chattering on meaninglessly. But none of it seemed to matter when the waiter brought our coffee and dessert menu over and Louisa suggested Graham join her for coffee at their house. I had to look down at my knees to hide my smile, but after they had departed I couldn�t help but instantaneously reach over for Jim�s hand.
*
�I can�t believe it, they�re actually spending some real time together, talking and listening instead of just arguing.�
�Much down to you I�m guessing.�
�No, a lot down to mutual love I should think.�
He smiled, warmed by her enthusiasm but also by the weight of her hand resting on his � reassuring after so many months absent of her touch.
�So you want to order any dessert?�
�I have a real craving for ice cream.�
�You do?� he flipped the menu open with one hand, reluctant to move the other from its cocoon. �Looks expensive in here just for ice cream.�
�We could always call at a store on the way back to the pub.�
�You�re coming back with me?� He looked up sharply.
�I can hardly intrude on the two of them can I?�
�Ok, I�ll get the bill then.�
�My treat, Graham�s paid his share, I�ll do the rest. Then we can set off.�
�Know any taxi numbers?�
�Don�t bother with one.�
�It�s a long walk back you know.�
�I don�t mind if you don�t.�
�Suppose not.�
She lifted her hand to fumble in her bag and Jim�s complain was almost audible.
* *
Jim was lucky, usually when I�d stayed at the pub in the past I ended up with a horrid room at the back of the building. But not Jim, oh no, he gets one on the front overlooking the lake, with a window seat too. That�s where I perched myself, waiting for him. We�d held hands on the walk back, didn�t talk much, just enjoyed the fresh air � well freezing air if the truth be known. It didn�t seem to matter though; I was content just to share the evening with him. I can imagine his thoughts though, wondering what my intentions were, how long I would stay with him, what excuses I would make so I could leave. And all the time I was thinking of excuses to stay. Funny how feelings change, how for so many months I�d just wanted to strangle this man who�d put me through hell. Walking out and finding a replacement woman almost immediately, and then crawling back when he realised this, us, wasn�t just a passing phase. But then I tended to overlook my role in the matter, my selfishness and shortsighted behaviour. But I�d come to realise that everything I�d ever hoped for or needed wasn�t out there still waiting for me to find it. It was right there within my grasp, I just had to accept it and live it.
* *
June looked up slowly from the window as Jim entered the room. He smiled at the sight of her, wrapped up in one of the blankets from the bed and perched in the window seat. Forehead resting against the glass as she watched the night take hold of the view, a few passers by still making their way home but it was virtually deserted now.
�Ok, I got two flavours.�
�Hmm�� She smiled and moved the blanket round so her arms were free.
Jim held a tub up proudly. �For you, now as a whole nut fan I figured this would be perfect for you. New York Fudge something or other� basically chocolate with different nuts in it.�
�Sounds fattening and quite delicious � for you?�
�Plain vanilla � with a large portion of cookie dough in it I presume.�
�Health, health, health as always I see.�
He laughed as he removed his jacket. �Always a priority � comfy there?�
�Mmm, could be better, why don�t you come sit with me.�
�Oh I intend to, why are you in the dark?�
�Seemed a shame to turn the light on, ruin the mood, there�s enough light through the window.�
�Ok, but if I end up with this down my top it�s your fault.�
�No doubt you will spill some and no doubt it will be my fault � as usual.�
*
�You sure you don�t want to taste this?�
�I feel ill�� Jim lie on the bed with his hand resting on his stomach.
�I�m not surprised, I�ve never seen anyone eat ice cream so quickly.� June licked her spoon and placed her still half full tub down on the side. �Want me to get you some water?�
�No, I�ll explode.�
�And that would be a bit of a problem for me.�
He lifted his head up to regard her.
�I�d have to clean it up, alone. And you know I�m not much a cleaner.�
�True, why vacuum beneath furniture when you can go around it hey June��
�See, you know me too well�� She stopped laughing and turned her body round so she could see his face in the light from outside the window. �I have missed this you know, just spending time with you, not doing anything remotely significant. Not meeting up to go to restaurants or cinemas or any kind of date, just being together.�
�I know what you mean.� He sat up now. �Something good about just sitting at home with you to watch T.V � do you think this means we�re officially old and dull?�
�Not at all. In fact I can�t think of anything better than just sitting with you watching television, just having your company.� She sighed, there was so much she wanted to say, so much she had been considering for weeks and weeks yet now she wasn�t sure how to phrase it. �Jim this is what� what I�ve been trying to say to you but I wasn�t sure how to tell you, if it was too soon, if you felt the same or if I�d mess it all up again.�
�I�ve been so very lonely without you.�
She smiled. �And now I don�t need to say it because you have.�
He moved across to her, knelt down in front of her, took her folded hands and kissed them before looking up at her. �No more silly superficial dates.�
�Ok, only nights in front of the T.V from now on.�
�Now I didn�t say that, I still expect the occasional romantic treatment.�
�Oh, everyday - in fact I intend to��
She had kissed his mouth before he could finish his sentence. Her hand pressed firmly against his face holding him there so she could really kiss him. �No more talking now.�
She got up from the seat and moved across to the bed never letting go of his hand.
* *
I was lying flat on my stomach, my head tilted to one side so I could see how clear the night was, if I tried I bet I could have counted every star in the sky. Jim was kissing his way up my spine, still so soft and tender, his lips grazing over my skin like I was some kind of fragile object. I couldn�t believe it when I glanced over at the clock; we left the restaurant just after 8:00p.m it was now a quarter to 3 in the morning, and yet I didn�t feel at all tired. On the contrary I felt sublimely at ease, so relaxed I could have been floating. Everything seemed to be in place, and right now there was nowhere on earth I would rather have been than lying there in his arms hearing him repeat words of love to me time and time again. I was in love, but more than that, it was more than some silly fleeting feeling. It was like an eternity had settled inside of me, and it would take something colossal to change it now. I turned over and Jim rested on his hands to watch me settle back against the pillow. We didn�t speak as I manoeuvred my legs around his, bringing him closer to me, his mouth moved down my neck to my collarbone � he always seemed to enjoy kissing me there, must have been something to do with the way I shivered when he did. Oh how I wanted it to last.
�I thought we�d come to the end of the road, still I can�t let go,
it�s unnatural you belong to me, I belong to you.�