I sabotage myself for fear of what my joy could do
February 12th � evening
He took a taxi direct from the airport. He�d already spent a small fortune getting an impromptu flight back, away from an afternoon of glorious sunshine home to an evening of good old London rain. But it hardly registered; the hours of the past few days were a blur. A continuous drone of insecurities and endless questions.
And now there was silence, not one word spoken since he�d boarded the plane, and only a mumbled address to the taxi driver. It felt good to be alone with his thoughts, just to be alone. There was something liberating about it, just as there was something unquenchable about home. To step off the plane and breath English air, wet, dreary English air. The splash of it on his dry, sunburnt skin, the wave of the breeze clearing his mind � instant. He was home; he was where he wanted to be.
�Erm, can you stop the cab please?�
�A while to go yet mate.�
�I know, but could you just pull over please?�
�Raining cats and dogs out there.�
�I know, I don�t mind.� He glanced out the window and watched the torrent of rain slip down the glass, and longed to be out in it.
*
June lifted the tea bag from her mug and dropped it in the bin. Balancing the phone in one hand and taking the milk from the fridge with her other. Toto was fussing round her legs, and she struggled to take a saucer from the cupboard and pour the pestering cat a drink.
�Yes Auntie, I told you I�ll be there around lunch time and we can go get something to eat then�� She sighed and closed her eyes for a second, running a hand through her hair. �I told you it�s my treat, I don�t mind paying� Ok, alright then I�ll see you tomorrow. Night.�
She shook her head as she put the receiver on the phone down, and bent to tickle Toto�s ears. �She�ll never change will she baby � no she won�t, but we don�t mind that do we.� She lifted the purring cat up into her arms and tickled his stomach instead, scolding as the doorbell rang.
�Bloody interruptions on a Saturday night, and just as we�ve made tea and ready to settle down for the film.� She prattled on as she carried the cat from the kitchen down the hall to the front door. Balancing him on one arm as she unlocked the door and pulled it open.
As her eyes adjusted to the dimness and the figure stepped closer to her, her smile faded.
�Jim. Jim you�re soaking� what the hell are you doing here?� Without hesitation she put Toto down and reached for his arm pulling him inside.
�I�m sorry, I needed to talk.�
�Now?� She gestured out towards the weather and noticed his bag on the path, drenched. �Jim � I don�t understand you.� She quickly ran out into the rain and grabbed his bag bringing it inside and closing the door after her, shaking the errant rain from her hair.
Jim stood shivering in the corner, the drops of water dripping from him and pooling on her carpet.
�Take your coat off, I�ll get a towel.�
He didn�t move, didn�t even look up at her. She moved forward and took his arm again, gently shaking it. �Jim, I said take your coat off. You�re soaked.�
Finally he looked at her. �I�m sorry, I didn�t � I shouldn�t have come here. But I didn�t have anywhere else.�
�It doesn�t matter, you can explain later. Let me get you dry first.�
* * *
February 10th
Jim had always found that in situations like this it was best not to move too much. If he kept his arms resting lightly on the surface of the bed, his legs slightly apart so not to get too sticky and his head flat, staring up at the ceiling. The air was so very heavy, he was sure it were resting on him, pinning him down to the mattress. And he couldn�t breathe, a thickness rested in his throat, a treacle-like substance, disabling his normal functionary abilities.
He was torn between closing his eyes and trying to find sleep again, and just accepting the discomfort of the weather and getting up and showered. He was longing for a drink and his back was beginning to ache from lying in the same position for too long. Risking drawing attention to himself he lifted his arm and glanced at his watch, of course it was still English time. He never remembered to change it, even when they told him the time on the plane he�d find he�d left his watch in with his luggage. Still he could work it out, roughly a few hours difference� so that meant it was about 1p.m. Just after one in the afternoon and he was still lolling about in bed. No doubt alone in the apartment too, there were no sounds from the other rooms and although he�d shifted about in the bed Marie hadn�t ventured into the room to try and encourage him to come and join in the fun by the pool.
He sat up and swung his legs out of bed, taking a minute to settle his head from the sudden movement and stared down at his swollen feet. He never had got on with hot weather and this time wasn�t any different. No matter how she tried to motivate him, the lack of energy and sheer will to venture out into the midday sunshine only served to make him more resolute to remain in bed. Some supposed post Christmas holiday, only his heart wasn�t in it. Every time he looked at Marie, every time she reached over in bed to hold him, he could only think of what June had said. That he must make a choice. He must make a choice. He must�
* * *
June watched as he sat in front of the fire warming himself, his hair ruffled by the wet. He looked so drained.
�Drink your tea Jim. Before it cools.�
�A whisky would go down a treat right now.� He whispered as he took a gulp from the mug in his hand.
�Don�t say that. Are you going to explain now � I thought you were on holiday.�
�I was.�
�And you�re supposed to be for another week.�
�That�s right.� He drained the rest of the liquid. �I got back tonight.�
�And where is Marie?�
�Remaining in Spain. It�s over.�
June breathed deeply and looked down at her folded hands. �I am sorry.�
�You knew it would happen, didn�t you.�
�Don�t say that Jim, I only ever wanted the best � for both of you.�
Jim laughed and lay back on the rug closing his eyes. �I couldn�t lie any more. I couldn�t stay there and pretend to be the loving faithful husband when all the time you�� he glanced over at her. �You were the only thing I could think of.�
June got up from the sofa. �Please don�t make me part of this.�
�But you already are.�
�No. I told you I won�t be your other woman.�
�I�m not asking you to be, I�ve left her, we�ll divorce.�
�No, no Jim. I�m not yours to pick and choose.�
�That�s not what I meant.� He got up from the floor and moved over to her, placing his hands on her face. �I need to be with you, I love you, I can�t stop wanting you.�
She pushed him away. �I can�t do this. I�m sorry.�
�You want me to leave?�
�No, I�m your friend, you need somewhere to stay��
Jim took a step closer to her again, breathing in her scent. �I need you.�
* * *
At least he was clean now, smelling something at least resembling human. He�d drunk almost all the contents of a carton of Orange juice and was enjoying his coffee and skimming through the English paper Marie must have bought for him when they returned to the apartment.
A ball kicked under the table and skimmed his shin; he glanced up and caught sight of Ben in soaking shorts on the floor removing his trainers.
�You alright kid?�
�Excellent. Just gonna get some clothes on then we�re off for some sarnies.�
�With your Mum?�
�No, not with his Mum.� Marie dropped a bag of shopping on the table in front of Jim. �Cos I�m staying here, to have lunch with my husband.� She kissed his head and trailed her hand along his shoulder as she moved behind him. �You finally got out of bed then. You must have needed this holiday more than I thought, you�ve certainly slept most of it away.�
�I�m sorry.� He stood up abruptly, leaving her hand to rest on the back of the chair.
Jim folded his paper and dropped it on the table, collecting the ball with his left foot from beneath the table. �You want a game later then mate?�
�Sure � I�ll bring my friends, we can get a full team going.�
�Sounds good to me.�
�But I thought we could spend some quality time together Jim.� Marie complained taking a bottle of wine from a carrier bag.
�We will � sometime.�
* * *
June lay on the sofa, resting a wine glass on her stomach and spiralling the rim with her forefinger. Jim sat across from her in the chair by the window, Toto sleeping on his lap. Never taking his eyes from her.
�I�m sorry.�
�Stop saying that.�
�But I ruined it all � I messed it up, for all of us.�
�Yes, you did.�
�Honest to the end.� He grimaced.
�Well what do you expect? It didn�t have to go this far. You know I would have forgiven you; I would have taken you back. After the farce of a 12-hour engagement, hurting me like that. Throwing me aside.�
�I never meant��
�It�s my turn.� She snapped catching his gaze. �I would have taken you back after all that, if only you�d asked. Even if you�d slept with her,� she shook her head, ironically. �I�m so stupid I would have taken you back� after all that.� June lifted herself up into a sitting position to watch his reaction as she spoke. �But you went too far � to marry her. To turn me down then turn around and marry her.� She raised her arm annoyed. �And then you sit there and you tell me you love me � how is that love?�
�I don�t know.�
�That�s not much of a conviction.�
�I was an idiot.�
�Idiot?!� She threw a pillow across the room at him.
�Hey!�
June laughed and took a drink of her wine. �Oh, I don�t know what to do about you. I can�t even begin to consider what future we have with all this going on. You need to sort your life out Jim before you even think about sharing it again.�
�I know. And I will � for you.�
�Stop it.� She closed her eyes and tilted her head back. �I�m not sure what you expect from me. I can�t simply forget everything that�s happened. All that we said at Christmas Jim.�
�I know. And things spiralled out of control from there.� He shook his head. �I was a fool to keep trying. I thought I could go on, I thought it would be enough. You know I do love her, and the kids and I love being with them and being part - - part of all that. The family thing. Christmas morning with a group of excited teenagers is a world away from spending it alone, then driving to your parents house and feeling out of place � the only singleton there.�
�Don�t I know it.�
�All these years it�s what I wanted, at times the only thing that sustained me. The thought that one day I would be a husband, a father.�
�Something you could never have with me.� She said resolutely.
He looked up at her, it was the first time she�d ever raised the subject of having children with him. With her it was a subject he�d avoided, but no doubt beneath it all it remained something of a taboo subject. �I guess I always knew you didn�t want them.�
�I�m too old for starting all that now.�
�I know � which is why a ready made family seemed so appealing. And don�t look at me like that, honesty remember. This is me being honest, the thrill of having it all there waiting for me was too much to turn my back on.�
�I can understand that.�
�I thought it would be everything I�d ever needed. And then when I was there, even when I was happy with them I knew something was missing. So I began to think it was just me, something lacking in me, that I would never find that fulfilment people talk about. Shutting off the fact that what I really needed was right there and I turned my back on it � and trying to forget that the happiest I�d ever been was with you.�
�Please don�t say things like that.�
�But I need you to know.�
�I know Jim � believe me I know. But I can�t do this now; you�re a married man. And the bottom line is you�ve messed me around for so long why should I even give you the time of day?�
�I know.� His head dropped, watching Toto sleeping in his lap.
�I don�t mean to be harsh. I would never intentionally hurt you.�
�And I don�t mean to�� He looked up again. �For gods sake June you�re the last person in the world I would ever want to hurt. But we don�t always realise that what we have right there and then is everything you�ll ever need. It�s taken me so long to admit it to myself, having your love, being with you is all I need.�
�Ohhh.� She complained, lifting herself into a sitting position and taking a deep breath. �Why do I let you do this to me. It�s not fair, I should hate you, you know that right?�
�Yes, I know that. Hate away.�
�You do a good enough job of that yourself.�
�I want to make it all better, erase everything, go back to this time last year and never let things fall apart with you.�
�Perhaps we needed that, to understand better what we have between us.�
�This is never going to be an easy relationship is it, I mean whatever happens, whether we remain just as friends or��
�Or� the unanswerable question.� She sighed and dropped her feet to the floor. �Well I missed my film for you.� She smiled lightening the mood.
�Sorry. Again.�
�I�m tired, think it�s time for bed.�
�Alright.� He watched as she took his mug from the coffee table and retreated into the kitchen, listening to her rinsing them out and checking the door was locked. All her evening rituals.
She returned to the lounge, straightening the cushions on the couch and turning the fire off. Then moving over to him, lifting Toto from his knee and placing him on the couch. The cat stretched out before lying down again and returning to his blissfully unaware sleep.
She held out her hand to Jim. �Sleep with me.�
He smiled and took her hand; she squeezed his fingers and pulled him up. Leading him from the lounge, switching the lights off on the way and taking the familiar route up to her bedroom.
*
His head rested so gently on her shoulder, his arms gripping her waist and his body shook against hers as he cried. There was little she could do but offer comfort, support. So she held him to her, and closed her eyes willing away his pain.
�I�m sorry.� He snuffled after a while. Lifting his head enough so that he could wipe his damp face.
�It�s ok.�
�Funny how�� He swallowed. �How just having you hold me like that sets me off.�
She smiled and kissed the top of his head. Reaching down for his hand and folding her fingers with his.
�I missed you so much June.�
�Sshh, you don�t have to do that now.�
�I want to.� He lifted his head up now to look at her. �God this hurts so much.�
�Just tell me what you want.�
�You, a resolution, some kind of peace in my life.�
�In that order.� Her smile was sincere as she placed a hand on the side of his face. �You look tired.�
�I hardly sleep these days.�
�Then I�d say that�s the first thing you need.�
She turned onto her side allowing Jim to lie down next to her and wrap his arms around her waist. Whatever morals were involved with sharing her bed with this man, a married, emotionally confused man, didn�t seem to matter, it felt good to have him there. She closed her eyes and settled herself in his arms, pushing the doubts and fears to the back of her mind � at least for a few hours.
* * *
At one side of the bed Jim lay awake staring at the shadows on the blank wall. At the other Marie lay on her side staring at Jim�s back. She reached out and traced a line down his spine and he shivered, instinctively pulling away from her.
�Won�t you talk to me?�
�About what?�
�This � its not right Jim.�
�I told you I�m no good in hot weather.�
�I don�t mean that and you know it.� She hoisted herself up, plumping a pillow up behind her. �This has been going on for months. Almost since we got married.�
�I�m sorry, I�ll try harder.�
�That�s not the answer. If this is a mistake then maybe we should just face that.�
�Not now Marie � it�s late, try and get some sleep.�
�Things aren�t going to have changed in the morning you know.� She reached over and grabbed his arm. �Face it now. Jim we rushed into it, I know that, but I convinced myself it was love. That we would work it out.�
�We will.�
�You can�t even look at me when you say that.�
�Marie can you just stop this!� Jim jumped up out of bed and grabbed a t-shirt.
�What are you doing?�
�Going for a walk.�
�Now?�
�I need the air.�
�You�ve had all day to go for a walk, you could have gone with me.�
�Just stop it! Stop nagging at me.�
�What?!�
�I�m sorry, I can�t do this now��
�Then why bother at all.� She reached over and switched the lamp off, collapsing into bed.
* * *
February 13th
After the rainfall of the previous night the morning was fresh, bright and clear. June spent a good few minutes standing in the garden in her dressing gown just breathing it all in. Then she showered and dressed, had toast and coffee and still Jim slept.
She was about to go out and was scribbling a hasty note when he finally came downstairs. She couldn�t help but smile at his untidy hair, but he looked better, much better.
�Well good morning, thought you were going to sleep all day.�
�I�m sorry.� He ruffled his hair.
�You have no need to be, sleep as long as you like.� She squeezed his shoulder. �I�m off out anyway.�
�Oh, anywhere nice?� He shuffled uncomfortably, feeling like he was intruding on her space.
�Aunt�s house...� She glared at him. �Supposed to be taking her for lunch, but, well, you know how she is. Most probably will have changed her mind.�
Jim laughed, leaning against the worktop. �I love the woman.�
�Why don�t you get something to eat, some coffee. Help yourself.�
�I will. Just feel a little funny. Like I�m imposing � feel like it�s just hitting me.�
�Well, you were in Spain this time yesterday.�
�Kinda hollow now.� He fiddled with the newspaper on the table.
June bit her lip as she pulled her coat on. �Look, why don�t you come along?�
Jim glanced up at her, faking disappointment.
�What? Come on, you know she loves you to bits. You certainly know how to charm her better than I do. And if we don�t go out for lunch � you can cook!� She smiled and nudged his arm. �Come on, go dress. I won�t leave you here to brood all day.�
* * *
February 11th
Jim spent the night on the beach, like an old drunk. Quite fitting he concluded as he dug his feet into the damp sand. A sleepless night, probably smelling of seaweed, and no doubt looking like hell. Early morning joggers passed him without a second glance, another homeless guy living on the beach. Only Jim Carver could come on a holiday to Spain and feel like he was at rock bottom; only he could go to sleep every night with a wonderful wife next to him and a stepson next door � a stepson he adored � and still feel a loss.
No matter how he tried to rationalise it all away, to see himself as the family man, he couldn�t escape the burdening thought that he was wrong. As contrite as it sounded, saying it in his own head, there was a hole inside. An aching in his stomach whenever he said her name, or imagined her face. And even though he was there with his wife, he wanted her to be there too, it had to end.
He got up and brushed himself down, picking up his shoes and making his way across the beach back towards the apartment.
* * *
�Do you realise how many mugs I broke because of you.� June slid her fingers over the steering wheel, watching the lights in front of her.
�What?�
�In anger, frustration, just drying the dishes and then remembering some stupid moment with you, some joke we may have shared while preparing dinner or something. And that utter joy at being with you replaced by the flood of loneliness, hopelessness because you didn�t want me anymore. And there was nothing I could do to change that�� She breathed deeply, gripping the steering wheel. �And I kept dropping things, like some ridiculous fool I couldn�t stop dropping things.�
Jim shrugged. �I guess I inspire a need in you to break things.�
June laughed. �I guess so.�
�I wonder if it�s just me you know.� He gazed out the window. �Just me who fucks up relationships, which ever one I�m in. What if it doesn�t matter who I�m with, just the fact that by some extremely poor choice on their part they ended up with me.�
�Don�t be ridiculous.� She glanced over at him. �I�m sure Marie doesn�t feel that, I mean you had fun together, even I can see that � as jealous as I was by it. And you told me yourself, you loved her, and by all accounts she loves you too. And afterall that�s all relationships are based on, and you can�t ever know whether it�s gonna last or not.� She shrugged. �And I�m talking to fast.�
Jim smiled. �I�m keeping up.�
�Besides, I don�t regret being with you � I regret letting you go.� She smiled warmly.
Jim looked away for just a second, wiped his eyes and looked back at her. �We�re on green.�
�Oh, damn it.�
* * *
Marie was lying on the couch when Jim emerged from the bathroom, drying his face on a towel.
�You�re leaving aren�t you?� Her voice was surprisingly calm, resigned to the fact. �I mean I�m not surprised, it�s been coming for a while. You and me, we just don�t work do we. I suppose deep down I�ve been expecting this for a while.�
�I am sorry, I don�t want to hurt you. And Ben I don�t want to abandon him.�
�I know how much you love him, that�s not a problem, and you can still see him. He loves you too. It�s me right � well you and me.�
Jim sat down on the edge of the couch, near her feet. �I do care for you.�
�But that�s not enough is it?�
He looked down at his feet and shook his head.
�Is there someone else?�
�I wish I could lie and say no, to make this easier, cleaner. But there is.�
Marie inhaled sharply. �I see.�
�It�s not how you think, it�s not like I�ve done anything with her or cheated on you � not in the sense that it means� I just... I can�t forget her, Lord knows I�ve tried to.�
�Then why marry me � why put me through all this, if it�s her you want.�
�I don�t know, why do you think I�ve been like this � beating myself up over it. I got caught up in the idea of being part of a family � and being with you is so easy, we get along so well.�
�We did. I�m not a substitute � someone to gloss over your problems with.�
�I know that.�
�And yet it�s how you treated me.�
�I�m sorry, I didn�t mean to, I never planned to. We just clicked, you�re so down to earth and straightforward and being with you is so easy.�
�And being with this other woman isn�t.�
�Not always no, we�re different in many ways but she� I can�t do this, it isn�t fair to talk about her with you.�
�For you or me?� She frantically wiped at her face and lifted herself from the couch. �I�ve been through a divorce before, I can do it again.�
�Marie, please.�
�What?�
�It seems so final.
�That�s the point. What�s the point in clinging on to something that�s dead Jim? You said I was straightforward � well that�s exactly what I�m doing. We need to salvage something from this mess, and if that�s simply my sense of pride then so be it.�
* * *
�Jim my dear, so good to see you, come here.� A pair of arms gripped his shoulders pulling him in close. �You look tired, pale, working too hard I guess.�
�I guess.� Jim smiled for the elderly woman, before she hugged him; he buried his head against her shoulder. She smelt of soap and lavender � she smelt like his Mother, and he closed his eyes and relished the comfort and security found in familiar scents.
As she released him he quickly took a gulp of the fresh air to calm his sudden nerves and turned his face away as June made her way up the garden path.
�Hi Beth. You look well.�
�What no hug for your Aunt.� She proclaimed holding her arms out.
�Sorry.�
�I�m glad you brought this young man over, my fence is broken.�
�Where?� June asked scanning the garden.
�Round the back, if I don�t fix it I�ll be having Dogs getting in and all sorts, eating my plants.�
�You haven�t got any plants.� June laughed.
�I have, they just died over winter, they might dig the bulbs up.�
Jim laughed at the two women, arms folded around each other as they made their way into the house. �Don�t worry, I�ll do it anyway. The fresh air will be good for me.�
June turned round and glared at him. �It�s freezing out here, and you�re already pale young man � remember.� She smiled coyly and followed Beth into the house.
* * *
February 12th � morning
Jim lazily kicked the leaves across the old playground, his hands dug deep in his pockets he made his way across to the young boy kicking a ball against the wall.
�Ben.�
�I don�t want to talk to you.�
�I know.� He sat down on the wall, finding a place where the bricks were still secure. �But I can�t just go without talking to you.�
�I don�t want you to go.�
�I know that too. But you know why don�t you.�
�You and Mum, she never keeps anyone around long enough.�
�It�s not really your Mum�s fault. We rushed into it, and we�ve hurt you and that�s what I�m sorry about. You don�t deserve that. I don�t want to let you down.�
�You�ll forget about me.�
�No I won�t, I care about you, and I want to still see you � if that�s ok with you. I mean if you want that.�
�I�d like that.� He sat down next to Jim holding his football between his feet. �Can I come back with you?�
�I think it�s best you stay with your Mum, she�ll need you, and besides you got to enjoy the rest of your holiday.�
�I�ll miss you, you�re good fun.�
�Thanks � that�s something I don�t get told often enough. You gonna give us a hug before I go.�
He shrugged. �I�ll think about it.�
* * *
June dropped her hands into the hot silky water, closed her eyes briefly and instantly relaxed. She knew if she looked up through the kitchen window, stretched her gaze a little to the left she would see Jim, on his knees fixing the loose planks of wood in the fence. Around her were a hundred dirty dishes, in the lounge Beth slept, probably with her reading glasses still perched on the end of her nose and a paper spread across her chest. This was Sunday, this was domesticity, this was what she�d missed.
It was ordinary and most probably dull to many, but right now it was bliss to her. She felt like she was part of something, last night she�d slept better than ever and it was because he was there. But still she wondered what thoughts occupied his mind, what was he thinking about as he sat out there in silence? Was he regretting it already, was he missing Marie, was he looking to his birthday tomorrow and wondering just where all these years had brought him?
�Deep in thought dear?�
June�s head shot up and she lifted her hands from the sink. �You�re supposed to wash the dishes, not stare at the water.�
�I know, I was just��
�Dreaming away! So, you never rang to say you two were back together again.�
�We aren�t.�
�Then what�s all this?�
�I�m not at all sure. He turned up on my doorstep last night, soaked to the skin, and claiming he�d left his wife.�
�And do you believe him?�
June shrugged, drying her hands on a towel. �I have no reason not to. Marie is still over in Spain, Jim�s staying in my house.�
�And sleeping in your bed?�
�Beth!�
�Well I�m just saying. I know you think I�m an interfering old woman June but really, I�m saying this to help you. I love the man to bits I really do, but he�s not without his faults. Not least the fact he left you then went off and married somebody else, and now � now he�s decided that won�t work he�s back for you.�
�He says he loves me, that he made a mistake.�
�That I have no doubt about. But what you need to know is this time, is it for real? Is it going to last? Is he going to stick around if and when things get difficult? Can you trust his love to be enough?�
�I want to � I really want to. Because being with him, even if it�s just for a moment� I can�t explain it.�
�You don�t have to � I can see it.�
June smiled and shook her head. �I thought you were sleeping.�
Beth squeezed her hand. �Well I thought you might need a hand doing the dishes.�
* * *
February 14th
Without hesitation Jim strode through reception, a quick smile at Robbie and directly up the stairs. Weaving his way through the corridors until he reached CSU. He had no words for anyone but he wasn�t going to be rude either, he smiled at those who acknowledged him but made no real effort to stop for conversation.
When he�d woke that morning he�d been instantly struck by the darkness to the room. The spare room was at the side of the house and so received hardly any sunlight, it seemed strange to him that in all the time he�d lived here with June he�d not actually spent a night in this room. Usually if they argued they still shared the same bed, or made up so very quickly that it was of no consequence. There was only one night he�d slept on the sofa and that was at a time he�d rather not remember.
And so when he dragged himself from bed and found that it was gone nine he quickly showered and found something passable to wear for work. Technically he was still on holiday but he couldn�t bear the thought of spending the day dwelling on things. It was raining again when he left the house, June had probably gone some time ago, only a card was left on the kitchen table along with a note wishing him a happy birthday. He�d almost forgotten, some birthday.
�Morning.� He whispered next to her ear, catching her at the side of the photocopier.
She spun round at the sound of his voice. �What are you doing here?�
�Reporting for work.�
�But you�re on holiday.�
�I can�t stay at home June. I�ll go crazy staring at the walls.�
�I know.� She caught his arm. �Look� let�s talk in here.�
She led him into the interview room and closed the door behind her, leaning against the pane of glass to prevent anyone from watching them.
�Well, I suppose a happy birthday is in order.�
He sat down on the couch facing her. �No need, not as if I�m really celebrating this year.�
�I know but still� look, a letter came for you.� She left the room for a second and returned with the slim white envelope. �It erm, it has a Spanish postcode on it.�
She handed it across and he reluctantly ripped it open.
�Would you like me to leave you alone?�
He shook his head. �No, she�s contacted her solicitor about starting divorce proceedings, that�s all.�
�That�s quick!�
�Well she doesn�t like to dwell on things, cuts to the chase, it�s one of the things I liked about her.�
June inhaled deeply. �I am sorry. Hardly a birthday present.�
�And Valentines day to boot.� He smiled wryly. �It was expected, nothing to do about it now. Anyhow I wanted you to know I noticed a flat this morning in the paper, only one bedroom but it�s all I need.�
�You don�t have to rush � I don�t mind.�
�Yes you do, and it�s not fair on you.� He stood up. �June I wasn�t lying the other night, I love you.�
�Jim� not now.�
�I know � not now. I�m married pending divorce which won�t be for several months and that�s not fair on you so...�
�So?�
�So, I won�t pursue it. I won�t rush it. One thing at a time ey.� He smiled weakly.
�One thing at a time.� She moved forward and kissed his forehead. �I�ll still be here for you, I just need time. We both do, other wise how can we know this is real, that it�s going to last? If we rush from one drama to another then how can we ever give this � us � the attention it deserves.�
�I know, as difficult as it is I know.� He squeezed her hand as he passed her. �So where shall I start today?� He said breezily, shaking off the moment.
�Well, you can help Polly, I believe she�s off to do interviews on the Larkmead Estate.�
�Always a pleasure.� He picked up his pace and almost joyfully left the room.
She watched him approach Polly and receive a birthday hug. Well she had him here; she didn�t exactly have it the way she longed to but all in good time. Things were too confusing at the moment, too confusing and disconcerting to have him sharing her bed, touching her body, speaking words of love and devotion when all the time he was still married. She�d decided many years ago she would never share her affections again and no matter how much she wanted him there were still lines she wasn�t going to cross. Not just yet. Was it a fear of bliss, a fear of joy and happiness? Or a fear of having all that, loving life for what it was and the possibilities it presented and then having it painfully and almost vindictively ripped from her again? Some things still had to be held back, some emotions still had to be kept in check, or somehow she would lose again and it wasn�t a prospect she felt inclined to accept.
I kinda get the feeling there will be a Part 3 story too!!!
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