A million months and a million days I�ll try to convince you
Several times in several ways I�ll try to squeeze love from you
Several hours and several ways I�ll feast on scraps thrown from you
A million times and a million ways I�ve tried to alter to match you
Several times every several days I�ve tried to uncrush on you
Feast on Scraps
00:30
In the darkness of the room he found peace. Through the glass the familiar view, the skyline stretching further than he could contemplate, long streaks of neon lights fading into the distance. He spread his palms out and reached tentatively forward, resting them gently on the radiator in front of him and then relaxing closer to it, pressing his body against the instance heat.
The noise from the party was still throbbing in his head; he could still hear the mindless Christmas celebrations going on beneath him. Drunken jubilation, staggering about and the odd uncalled for kiss under mistletoe. The office party never failed to serve up delicious activities to sustain the gossips until at least February. Usually he quite enjoyed it, watching the fools embarrass themselves, made a change that it wasn�t he being the butt of all jokes. But tonight he just couldn�t face it.
He drew a breath and glanced down at the ring squeezing on his finger. For some reason ever since it had been placed there he�d wanted to take it straight back off, something wasn�t quite right about it, something uncomfortable. But he�d made his decision, there really was no way out of this one � he�d had some major fuck-ups in his life but this� well this topped them all. And the worst thing was once again who could he blame � there was nobody to blame but himself, James Michael Carver. What had he achieved in his life?
He shook his head and rested his forehead against the pane of glass, wishing just for a split second that it might give way and allow him freedom. Technically he could leave right now, disappear into the night and never be heard of again. Plenty had done it before, but the bare truth was he wasn�t brave enough. And despite that he couldn�t leave here, this place, the only place that really meant anything to him. And her, it was hard enough losing her love, her respect, her friendship � to not be able to see her every day, to hear her voice even if it wasn�t directed at him. Hell he needed something beautiful in his life, something with meaning.
* *
1:45
June leant closer to the mirror, smiled and shook her head as she pulled the ridiculous Santa hat off of her head, doing her best to tidy up her hair. She straightened up and smoothed her skirt, glancing at her watch she noticed it was almost 2 and still they were going strong. �Time to go home.� She collected her bag and looked up as the door opened and Ruby almost fell through the door, June caught her arm and helped her over to the sink watching as she turned on the cold water and proceeded to splash her face with it.
�Oh dear, someone looks a bit worse for wear.�
June looked up to the direction of the voice; she drew in a sharp breath as she noted who it was. Jim�s wife. It was strange to see her there, to have hated this woman from afar for so many months and now to physically have her there, within slapping range, it was a little unnerving. She didn�t at all feel like she thought she would, in fact she felt quite sorry for the woman as she watched her rubbing Ruby�s back and asking if she could help her.
She quickly turned away before she said something she would no doubt later regret. For some reason she found herself back in the party, scanning the room for any sign of Jim, how was it possible after all these months she could feel like this? She�d certainly been through the whole run of emotions, loving him to hating him, anger, jealousy, guilt, regret, longing� what else could there possibly be? What else did she have left to say to him? Now after all this time, after so much distance had been put between them.
Now she only spoke to him about work, she�d told him she didn�t care about his private life, whether he was married, whether he had children, whether he turned into a drunken wreck or not. She remembered that argument as clear as if they�d had it five minutes ago. So much pain inside and the only way to ease it was to lash out at the very person causing it. How dare he sit her down and say something like that to her, �June, I�m getting married.� How dare he? What gave him the right to brush her away so easily, to claim to love her so much and then just walk away without so much as a second thought?
The music stopped and brought her out of her reverie and she looked up towards the stage where the Super was battling with the microphone.
�Right, now I hope you�re all just about sober enough to read your raffle tickets cos here we go��
* *
�Look, I love you June� and I always will. But I can�t marry you and I can�t be with you anymore.�
2:05
God how he remembered those words, had replayed them over and over in his mind. The way he�d said them to her, the way she�d looked at him. If he�d have stayed there another second he would have caved in and cried like a baby, his head in her lap, his hands clinging onto her. Back then he believed what he�d done was right, in the long run it was easier to hurt her then, quickly and sharply, rather than drag it on and then hurt her all the more in the future when he�d messed it up. But now, now he wasn�t sure what the right thing was anymore. He seemed to have lost the ability to work it out for himself, that inner knowledge you have of right and wrong, good and bad � he�d lost it. Either that or abandoned it.
�I thought you might be hiding up here.�
He swung round at the sound of her voice, instantly noted the bottle in her hand, the way she walked towards him and settled herself down on her desk. Opening the bottle and poring some into the mug on her desk.
�So, do you want to talk?�
�About what?�
�For a start why you�re hiding away up here?�
Jim shrugged and turned his back on her, looking back out at the city.
�Fine, so do you want me to leave again?�
He shook his head.
�Ok.� She took a drink, and closed her eyes as the liquid coated her throat and then warmed her chest.
�What are you drinking?�
�Brandy � I won it would you believe. They probably fixed it, felt sorry for me.�
�What do you want to talk about?�
�Your depression.�
He spun round to face her. �Who says I am?�
�You think I can�t tell, you think I don�t you well enough by now. Come on Jim just because you don�t talk to me anymore doesn�t mean I don�t pay attention to what�s going on with you. Surely you don�t think I�m that heartless.�
�I don�t think you�re heartless at all.�
�Oh no, erm controlling I believe was the word you used.� She took a gulp of the Brandy and did her best not to choke on it.
�Right, so you�re gonna bring that up now.�
�Well I have carried it around for quite a while Jim � imagine there I was thinking we were blissfully happy and all the time you were wondering how to leave.�
�No. Not all the time.�
�Long enough. You stayed long enough to hate me.�
He turned away from her again. �I don�t wanna do this June. We made mistakes. Someday we gotta just accept it and move on.�
�Move on � so this is you moving on is it Jim? Marrying some woman you hardly know and spending the following months in a haze of sorrow and regret. I don�t think I�ve ever seen you looking so lousy � and I�ve seen you at your lowest.� She got off the desk and moved to stand behind him. �So go on then, convince me you�re happy, tell me you want to be in this marriage and that it�s forever.�
�Why do you even care? Haven�t I done enough to push you away? I don�t want you June don�t you get that?!� He was shaking as he said it, not daring to look up and see her face.
But she remained calm. �Oh I got that quite a while ago Jim � I�m here as your friend.� She moved back to the desk and poured herself another drink, swallowing it in one swift shot.
* *
3:10
June was sitting on the floor by her desk, fiddling with her glasses, reflecting the light from outside on them and casting flashes of brightness across the bare walls.
Across from her Jim sat hunched up and pressed against the radiator, hoping at some point he would just melt into it and get out of all this.
�We�ve been sitting here for almost an hour now Jim.�
�I didn�t ask you to stay?�
�You�re no good at trying to be deliberately nasty � you just come across as crass.�
�Excuse me?�
She held his gaze until he turned his face back to inspecting the floor.
�Why can�t you just talk to me?�
�And say what?� His head snapped up, defending himself. �What can I say? You obviously know I�ve screwed things up good and proper. To dissect every inch of my mistakes and ignore the fact you are the same.�
�Alright,� she stretched her legs out in front of her. �So, let�s not pick you apart, let�s talk about me. What do you want me to do? Admit I�m a control freak � I am. Admit I got � what carried away, carried away with the idea of what we could be. Okay, I did, but you proved me wrong didn�t you.�
�I didn�t mean for this to happen� for it to go this far, to hurt you.�
�You don�t have to explain it to me Jim. That�s not why we here.�
Jim took a deep breath and spread his hands out in front of him. �Look at me, can�t stop shaking.�
�I�m hardly likely to judge you now Jim. I did that when it first happened.�
�You never came to the wedding.� He stated, emotionless.
�And that surprises you?!� She sighed deeply, how simple this man could seem at times. �Just because I accept our split doesn�t mean I want to rush into watching you marry someone else. You really think I could have bit my tongue throughout the ceremony.�
�No, no I don�t. I am sorry I didn�t come and talk to you though, sorted things out.�
�What things? The fact you�� She willed herself to calm down. �No, I don�t want to argue with you.�
�Why not, just say whatever you need to. �Bout time you did.� He threw a pencil in the air and caught it in the opposite hand.
�I remember your words Jim, the way you acted when I suggested marriage. How, put out you were by it all. Like the very idea of being with me repulsed you.�
�That�s not true.�
She held up her hand. �It�s how you made me feel� And then, not only do you go out and find another woman but you marry her. You�re not ready for marriage to me � but you can manage it to her. How am I supposed to take that Jim? Like everything that happened between us � like it was all a lie. All those times you told me you loved me, all those times we made love and �� She shook her head and looked down at her clenched hands. �And here I am, proving I�m the obsessive Cathy thinks I am.�
�Some things need to be talked about.�
�Not this � not now. So�� She swallowed in an attempt to regain her composure. �I�m here to work out just why you�re hiding away from the Christmas party whilst your wife is downstairs having a ball.�
�I do care for her you know.�
�I know that � otherwise you wouldn�t have married her. I don�t think you�re that screwed up.�
�Don�t be too sure.� Jim gripped the side of the desk to help himself get up. He moved over to June�s desk and picked up the open bottle of Brandy. �So easy to blame it all on this.�
�You�re still attending the meetings?�
�Yes, regularly.�
�And does� Marie go?�
�No, it�s not her problem.�
�Still unwilling to share it then.�
�I do share, I share every week.� He paced the room.
�But not with those who love you.�
�No� you want a coffee?�
�You think we�ll love you any the less because of it Jim?�
�Don�t. I don�t want to talk about it.�
June steadily got up from the floor and rested against her desk. �How can you expect things to work out, for any relationship to work out if you refuse to share, that�s what they�re about you know. Learning to allow the other person to help you, balance the burden. If you want your marriage to work��
�� And what if I don�t. What if it�s all a big mistake? What if I walk away from this problem like I do every other.�
�You can�t always run away.�
�It�s worked so far.�
�Has it?�
He waited a few seconds before he lifted a jar up for her to see. �Yes or no to coffee?�
* *
4:25
�The sun will be coming up soon.�
�Not for a while, winter remember. Dark mornings and frozen cars.�
June smiled as she lifted a hand to rub her neck. They both sat on the floor again, leaning on the radiator to keep warm and with Jim�s jacket spread over their laps.
�Remember last Christmas. Bit of a difference from this � this mess.�
�What will you do?�
Jim shrugged. �I don�t know yet. Stop feeling sorry for myself would be a start I guess.� He smiled and nudged her arm.
�Nice to have the old Jim back, laughing at himself.�
�The old Jim� what a thought.�
He rested his hand on top of hers and for a second she closed her eyes, determined not to let herself be drawn into those feelings again.
�Almost a year since we lost Cass.�
�I do miss her.�
�I think all who knew her do, I still expect to see her coming towards me down the corridor or hearing her bubbly laughter in the canteen.�
�And we dwell on all this, stupid meaningless things, when really we still have each other.�
�You�ll always have my friendship Jim.�
�Do you think, I mean do you think we would have made it, if we�d stayed together?�
�I don�t know. Sometimes I suppose I can see us as an old married couple � you in slippers and digging the garden. Me taking up neighbourhood watch.�
Jim laughed and suddenly his body seemed so close to hers again.
�Then I�m grateful we walked away then before things got too messy. We hurt each other too much Jim, I�m not sure we could � comfortably live together� forever� in blissful harmony.� She smiled ironically.
He twisted his head to look at her. �Tired yet?�
�Surprisingly I�ve passed that stage.�
�Me too � but then I hardly sleep these days.�
�And there were mornings I couldn�t get you out of bed!� She laughed.
�It was good wasn�t it.�
�What?� She closed her eyes.
�Us, together, it was good.�
�I always thought so, yes.�
Jim studied her pale face, remembering a time when that translucent skin was line free, smooth and supple. Watching her age, each line for a new experience, a learning curve. The times she�d smiled at him, laughed with him, scolded him, down right screamed at him.
There was never going to be an easy way out of this, none of it made sense to him. What was right? To be with Marie, a faithful, loving, attentive husband, a support to her and her children. A ready made family, never really his family but one he stepped into, one that formed a role for him. Or June, dear June who had always been such a friend to him. Who knew him better than any person alive and probably cared for him more than anyone else too. What was his destiny there, his fate? Perhaps she could love him more than Marie � perhaps she already did, but then again did he really have the will to choose, the right to? It wasn�t his decision anymore, he had done what he thought was right, he�d married a woman he loved, a woman who shared his interests, a woman who he hardly ever argued with, hardly ever faced a bump in the road with. She was like him; they were the same, two separated at birth. June was his opposite, his passion, the ongoing hope. Hope was frail but so very hard to destroy.
He squeezed her hand. �You are right you know, I�m not happy.�
She opened her eyes again and glanced over at him.
�I mean I�m not unhappy neither, that�s the problem. I don�t know what I want. I know, deep down, that I can�t have you. It would never work.�
�Why?�
�Because you are just� so much more.�
�That�s not true, I wish you wouldn�t say that.� She manoeuvred herself round, onto her knees to face him.
�I always felt like I was denying myself to make us somehow more compatible.�
�I never wanted you to.� She snapped, annoyed at how his revelation stung her. �I always wanted you to be you.�
�I know, it wasn�t your fault it was mine. I measured myself up, tried to make myself more to win you over. I did it right from the start June, kept pushing myself harder, denying the fears and doubts I had. Trying to hide away the darkness inside. Until I had to face it.�
�But you couldn�t face it with me.�
�No, I pushed you away. At first I didn�t want you to ever see me low again, I wanted you to be somehow proud of me I guess. Everyone respects you � I wanted a place in that.�
June bit her lip and willed the lump in her throat away.
�Then in the end I realised I could never fit into that, I was stifled by it, so it was easier to get you to throw me out by seeing me at my lowest.�
�I would never have thrown you out Jim, I would have only tried to make it better. Which obviously I could never have done. And I certainly never wanted you to be stifled � I�ve never loved anyone as much as you, I would have done anything to save us��
�And I wouldn�t let you because I didn�t think I was worthy of it.�
�Which is ridiculous.�
�Is it � look at me, what have I wanted my entire life, marriage, commitment, kids. And now I�ve got it I find I don�t really want it, I find I�m lonelier than I�ve ever been. I guess some people are just always meant to be low, to never find fulfilment��
�Ok stop this!� June took hold of his face. �You are the most wonderful man I know, and I love you dearly, I do Jim.� She kissed him gently on the mouth. �So don�t ever put yourself down, and don�t ever think you�re unworthy of anyone�s love, be it mine or Marie�s.�
She kissed his forehead. �Oh I wish I wouldn�t do this.� She sighed and smiled as the tears started. �Why you have such an affect on me I�ll never know.� She heaved herself up from the floor and wiped her face before pulling a chair out and sitting down.
Jim watched her intently; a resolution would never be reached tonight.
�She�s good for me you know, she cares so much for me but then again she hardly knows me. Only fragments about my drinking, she knows I go to regular meetings and don�t like to talk about it � that�s it. I never told her about you, but she knows, she�s told me several times that�s there someone else.�
�She doesn�t think we�re��
�No, no affair, just that it�s there, it exists. A history�� he dwelled on this a moment and looked up at her.
What part of our history is reinvented and under rug swept?
What part of our memory is selective and tends to forget.
�It�s been so long since we�ve talked June, I have missed you, I mean really missed you. Not just for some sexual reason or anything like that � just talking to you. It scares me how close we are.�
�Like twins.�
�Exactly, like that. Like I can tell you anything and it won�t matter. And yet still I couldn�t make it work with you, some school boy trying to measure up, trying to impress you.�
�You had no need to you know. I share the same weaknesses, lack of self-belief. Sometimes feeling so dull, so boring, unattractive � such a failure. After all there must be some reason I can�t make one relationship work, even when I really do want it to. Even when I loved you as much as I did I couldn�t make you stay. That�s some failure there.�
�You couldn�t fail even if you wanted to. I�ll always be tied to you.�
�Just not in the way I wanted � ball and chain.� She laughed and looked down at her watch. �You know, we should really go home.�
�I don�t want to. I want to stay here forever and never have to face up to the realities again.�
�You can�t. Despite what you may think you�re a strong man James Carver and you will get up and carry on. If you care for this woman then make it work.�
�I can�t. I�ve tried; I just can�t stop comparing you, how much I want you, long for you. And then I think back to how much we hurt each other and how it would always fail, and what I�ve pledged this woman and I feel so damn guilty. A failure again, what can I offer either of you?�
The tears streamed down his face and she clenched her fists. It would be so easy to go to him now, to offer him the comfort he needed, to promise him everything would be okay this time round � that they would make it work if only he�d let go of those demons and trust in what they had.
But she couldn�t, it was his decision to make, his alone. If he came to her she wanted it to be freely, wanted it to be his honesty and deep down the root of what he felt he wanted to be devoted to. She wanted him devoted to her, not walking out at the first sign of troubles. That wasn�t what relationships were about.
�I�ve made such a mess of things June. Such a mess.� He snuffled. �And I need you, I need you to help me, I can�t get through it alone.�
�Yes you can. You�ve always been able to.�
She stood up and hastily wiped her face before he looked up at her. Those glorious eyes begging her to lift him out of this hole. But she wouldn�t � not this time.
�I love you Jim, and I always will.�
She took a deep breath.
�But this time you have to make the decision alone, if you want to remain married to Marie I�ll accept that and I�ll be your friend whenever you need me. But if you don�t, if you really aren�t happy in the marriage then get out now. I won�t share you, I won�t be your affair, the place you go for some things and then return to the family bosom for the rest.�
�I wouldn�t ask that of you. Don�t leave me.�
She ran a hand through her hair. �I have to. It�s almost 6 in the morning.� She bent down in front of him and wiped his cheek with her thumb. �Go home to your wife Jim.�
She stood up and took the Brandy bottle from her desk along with her bag and headed for the door.
�So you�ve made the decision for me then!� He snapped as he struggled to his feet.
�No, but I won�t let you break me anymore, it hurt enough the first time. No more half promises or fragments of a relationship, if you want me, if you want us to work then you will know � just like I do. It won�t be a forced decision or a moment of longing, need or excitement. You will just know, and if it�s a case of choosing between the two of us then I really think you should let us both go.�
�There you go again - - that knack you have to make me feel so small.� He dropped back onto the desk supporting his legs.
�I don�t mean to, that�s not what I want. But for gods sake Jim you can�t keep running back and forth between Marie and I. Sharing your love, getting the best of both, it isn�t fair on any of us. Just decide, that�s all you have to do.�
He turned his face from hers and listened to her sighing and closing the door as she left. The morning was approaching, scraps of it, a threatening from the sun and a farewell from the placid night sky. And still he remained in confusion. After all they had said there was still more he wanted to say to her, more time he wanted to spend with her, just to be next to her and bathe in her warmth.
He reached into his pocket and took out his mobile; switching it on and watching the light blink into existence. Several missed calls; he held his thumb on the key and waited for the number to appear. Marie, of course.
I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I am done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I am done
I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I am done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I am done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I am done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I am done
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