5.14.01

ok, i’m not gonna cry...i’m not gonna cry damn it. everything’s been so overwhelming lately. i feel as if i’ll be losing a best friend when i give up this computer. i’ve grown attached..and it’s just not right. i’ve been pitying myself a lot in the past few days, and it’s started to become a habit. i haven’t talked to j since saturday morning. and, i can see how to you this wouldn’t seem like a very big deal. but, to me it is. i’ve gotten in to this habit of talking to him everyday for at least an hour, then all of the sudden, it’s changing. it makes me feel hurt and angry, confused, ignored, and suspicious. i miss j. i miss how our relationship used to be. grrr. why? why is everything changing on me all of the sudden? i hate change. why can’t everything stay the same all the time? i know it would be boring, but it would also be safe and comforting, too. on sunday i went to my mom’s house. even though i couldn’t afford anything for mother’s day, at least i could show up and tell her how much i love her. i ended up staying the night. i didn’t feel like going home to an empty house again. i knew if j wanted to call, he could call my cell. no phone calls. no surprise. it felt good being at home. it brought back memories, some good, some bad, but still...i like memories. i know this entry’s confusing, but i just can’t seem to keep my mind on one thing. i apologize. i need to find a job... a good job, that i’ll like. unemployment needs to get off their asses and send me a check so i won’t be evicted. i need to quit bitching so much. so, i’ll be going now. i’ll update you as often as i can. miss me. julie