| Hello everyone, or ya know, the whole two people i have visiting this site since i've moved from my old site. I've been feeling really down today, in fact i've been acting downright childish. I've been bawling all damn day like a two year-old who can't reach his favorite toy. I know i'm just being stupid, but i feel like everything in my life is going right down the toilet, and i have no control. you'd think i was on the rag, seeing how emotional i am, but fortunately that's one thing i don't have to worry about anymore since i've been on the birth control shot. It seems like about the only thing going right in my life lately. I didn't even wake up until almost 2 p.m. because i couldn't get up and face the world. I'm in serious debt, and i have no clue how i'm gonna get out of it. I'm sick of all the phone calls i'm getting tell me i'm late on this bill, and i'm deliquent on this one. today, i even got a disconnection notice for my phone. I know it's old, because i just paid them on friday, but still it just seemed to set the tone for how my day (or at least the rest of it) was gonna go. I've also been thinking a lot about me and J. I want to let myself fall in love with him, but i won't let myself for some reason. i'm pretty sure i know why, but i just can't bring myself to admit it. i've always had issues with letting go of control, and i know if i let myself fall in love with him, he'll just break my heart, and i won't be able to control it. Sometimes i think he doesn't really care about me at all. But deep down inside i know better. I can tell by his actions that he does. it doesn't help the relationship knowing that we're both fucked up mentally beyond belief. He's got his issues too. i think that's why we got involved with each other, in some fucked up way, we both thought that if we were involved with someone else who was just as fucked up as we were (or worse) it could fix every thing. I know this probably makes no sense to you, but it does to me, and i don't know any other way to explain it. so, i'm pretty much emotionally drained right now. I have no more tears to cry, and i think i went through three boxes of Kleenex today crying over nothing, and over everything at the same time. And to think , today i was gonna "spring clean". That ideas shot to high hell now isn't it? oh, well....maybe tomorrow. Thanks for letting me vent..Julie |
