4.19.01

i'm so...insecure right now. i haven't talked to J since monday, and that was for like 2 seconds when he came by to pick something up. I know what you're thinking..why don't you just call him?! well, besides the fact that i'm deathly afraid of his mother (yes, you heard me right..he still lives with mommy) i'm almost positive she hates me too. Also, J doesn't get off work until 10:30, then he doesn't even get home until around 11:00. I'm sure his mother would just love it if i called at 11 at night. So, anyway...all day today, all i've been doing is trying to keep my brain busy, and trying not to think of J. But, alas...it hasn't been working very well. so many scenarios have been going through my head....is he talking to someone else?...is he mad at me?.....does he just need his space?....is he dead?....what the hell is he doing?....why hasn't he called me damn it?!!! actually, i know he's not dead...i broke down and drove by his house today ( i had to go to the bank anyway, and he lives two seconds from it....i know it's still pathetic though) his truck wasn't there..because he was at work....so i know he's not dead. If he doesn't call tonight i think i'm gonna drive myself insane. my mind has been going ten thousand miles a minute. Why can't i just relax? i trust him, i know he wouldn't cheat on me....but maybe this is his way of breaking it off with me because he found someone else...see i'm doing it again. I'm sure there's a perfectly logical reason, but my mind can't seem to think of one. grrrr. and to think i spent almost $80 on golf balls and greens fees for him when i got my severance pay. (you know...cause i'm nice and like giving gifts) grrrr there's no other words to explain how i'm feeling right now except grrr. sorry. julie