There exists in our society, a myth that tragedy always binds couples together. Bereaved parents often come to know how untrue this myth can be. Friends or relatives may say to you, "At least you have each other," or "You're so close - you'll be there for each other." But you begin to realize that you are two separate individuals grieving in your own way. At first you may cling to each other for comfort. There may be a tendency for the father to overprotect the mother. He may try or feel obligated to make all the decisions, such as, seeing or not seeing the baby, making funeral arrangements, signing a consent form for an autopsy, putting away the nursery, etc. It is very important that, whenever physically possible, the mother and father make these decisions together. Usually, after the initial shock, your times of deepest sadness will be different. Rather than being helpful, this difference may serve as a wedge between you. Neither of you can understand why the other is not feeling the same. Often you cannot rely on each other, as you have in the past, to make things better. Both of you are hurting too deeply. A mother may have more intense feelings of mourning for a longer time, and it is important for the father to expect this and be understanding and supportive of the mother during this extended period of mourning. Fathers may appear to recover quickly and go on with life more easily. Consequently, a man may feel his partner is clinging to her grief. The helplessness of not having been able to prevent the death of your baby and the inability to comfort each other can be devastating to you values and your self-image. It may create further frustration in your ability to help each other. Relationships of bereaved parents can be affected adversely. There may be sexual problems. Partners may turn from sex because it represents a form of enjoyment that they feel they should not be allowed. Others may feel that sex reminds them of how their baby was created, and of their grief. The fear of another pregnancy may also inhibit sexual desire. The physical closeness of making love may be a source of comfort to one partner, while the other may have no desire at all and may even find it quite repulsive. Frustration and guilt may grow into feelings and attitudes that "He doesn't care anymore," or "She doesn't understand me and my needs." You have experienced the same loss and are trying to find some way to face life. The stress often results in an evaluation or reassessment of your relationship. You wonder if you will remain a couple or split apart permanently. It is important to keep the lines of communication open during these difficult times. Sharing the pain is a necessary aspect of recovery and is vitally important in maintaining the relationship. But how does one share the pain? Some ways in which other bereaved parents have found help include: Being able to talk about the baby, sharing feelings and concerns at regularly scheduled times each day or each week with their partner; Planning a regular weekly night out of the house for the two of you; Sharing the pain with someone else - good friend, other bereaved parents, professionals, etc.; Reading books, magazines and newsletter articles about how other people have dealt with grief. You will not totally or quickly recover from your baby's death, but you do owe it to yourselves to live and be happy again. Do not continually feel guilty for a moment of joy. You have a right to be happy, to enjoy life and to laugh again. Your pain and sorrow have made you more, not less, deserving of happiness. You have lost enough already, don't lose each other. Be kind and love each other. You need each other now more than ever before. |
| How Grief Affects Relationships |
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