(Yahoo just informed me the other page was too long. Fuckers. I want to sleep!)
Okay, I'm going to try this again. See, I already spent a good half hour doing an update today, but then I closed the window by accident and all was lost. Fortunately, quick-thinking and a phenomenal memory allowed me to recover all the links I deleted from my bookmarks. It probably could have been re-done within fifteen minutes if I didn't have to go the pesky inconvenience that I like to call work.
If memory serves me - and it does - I started you off with a few more party pictures.
"Get your penis out of the that right now!"
"i I'm Derek and I'm environmentally friendly. I also like to drink."
Hey, it's Gilligan from Gilligan's Island. Too bad I had to ruin the picture...
From there I decided it was about time that I cleaned out my bookmarks. In no particular order, here is stuff:
Sooty: Living out the UberMan's dream
"Is your father a lumberjack? [no why] Because whenever I see you I get wood in my pants."
"Hi, I'm really ghetto. You can tell by my cool candy necklace."
Pretty cool, but who has the time to do these? (Answer: Allen Mullen, that's who!)
You know you're ghetto when... list. Some gems and since I used my time to sift through them, I think you should too. I must warn you they're mostly crap.
"If you are a woman and have wandered onto this web page by mistake, read no further! The following information is intended for your husband only." I read further anyway. There is some funny, but fucked up repugnant shit on this site. I alternated between chuckling and shaking my head in disgust and you should too.
I've never seen the Osbournes, but this is still pretty cool.
Mike decided to share this with me and now I share it with you, grasshopper.
Pretty funny, yet geeky-type. I mean, it could have been better if I'd programmed it, but since I don't know how we'll just have to make due with this. (PS: it does end... eventually.)
Funny shit from the yesterday
Me: "Why are there jerseys everywhere?"
Mike: "It's a sports bar."
Me: "That still doesn't make it right."
I have devised a new way to be loved by my superiors at work - do just a bit more than the rest of your lazy coworkers and you'll earn respect. Today I was actively trying to do as little as possible and one of my supervisors actually COMMENDED ME for being the only person doing anything. Unreal! I should get a medal for being able to look busy for such long stretches of time.
Yeah, so I should sleep soon b/c tomorrow I get to wake up and register for Carleton. I can't wait!
August 23, 1:50 AM.
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So it's been a long time and while I didn't intend to update in the afternoon again (it's like sleeping before 1 o'clock in the morning - thoroughly unsavoury), Turriffic has asked and here I am. Of course, I only have half an hour now. I was interrupted by finding some porn on my computer I can only guess belongs to the boy. I've already told him not to do it. I don't see why he can't cover his tracks. It boggles my mind. I wasn't looking for it, it just popped up while I was trying to upload something. Totally not my fault. Truth be told, I wish it didn't exist. I think I'll delete it without telling him and then he'll know I know. That way he might be so creeped out that he'll cease and desist. I know that's probably a pipe dream, but I'll try anyway.
My purse got stolen about 9 days ago. I have almost put my life back together, one piece of temporary identification at a time. While the contents of my wallet were a huge bitch to replace, that part wasn't the thing that pissed me off most about the theft. While some may think it was replacing the broken window of the car, I'd say it was my little blue book (which for those of you not in the know contained my life, one funny bit at a time) angers me the most. My cell phone with the cool number being stolen sucked and probably ranks third. Second is a sentimental $5 bill that I won't get into.
To commemorate the little blue book - I have a black one now - I wrote the last blue-book worthy thing to occur on a fluorescent bit of paper and stuck it on the first page of the new one. For your viewing pleasure (and most probably veneration), here is what it said. Oh, and if you're the criminal who stole my shit and this seems familiar, return my book damn it. You have my address, it's on my driver's license and other assorted shit. You also have my keys. We've changed the locks so don't bother coming around here. Just mail what you can't use C.O.D.
August 24, 2002 - So Lisa and I were at Lick's today being served by L-cubed and subjected to the musical stylings ofsinging about his beloved restaurant when Lisa spots a white trash woman with a rather conspicuous hole in the back of her jeans. Alone, that's not quite so terrible. However, she decided not to wear underwear and her bare ass was exposed for our viewing displeasure.
So that's pretty much all I have time for. L-cubed was really a L with a superscript 3, but I didn't think to make one and now I'm too lazy to do it again. Plus, I might find more porn which would be uncool.
Well, I guess there are always time for links...
This works for any page too. Mr. T is cool.
I wonder if you can get bling that says Jesus here...
Oh you crazy Baptists!
Every man's dream?
September 3, 3:25 PM.
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Ever see those shows on tv where weird ppl sit next to you on the bus even though there is plenty of available seating? Yeah - that happened to me the other day. This woman walks on, surveys the bus, and chooses to sit beside me although there are about ten totally empty seats. Granted, I did choose the shady side of the bus and the woman was wearing a burkha in 34 degree weather, but, honestly, of all the little asses on the bus, why did she park herself besides mine? I don't understand 99 per cent of earth's population...
So school is sucking up a storm. The classes seem easy so I'm already slacking. This is not a good sign. It's very difficult to maintain an active social life, go to classes, and work at the same time. I mean, I still do it (mostly for my peeps, yo!), but I don't sleep. It may be an imperfect system, but I'm okay with it.
Went to Montreal last weekend for a little jaunt. Ended up in the fantastic gay section and ate at the Subway there. The guy behind the counter was fabulously flaming. We were looking at the menu and he's like, "Oh, don't look at that. The sauces - they're all different. THEY'RE GOING FUCK YOU UP! Just tell me what you want." Okay, so I paraphrase, but the phrase "going to fuck you up" was definitely in there. The best was on the way back. We stop at this red light. Some guy is crossing the street. He's sporting dirty dreadlocks and grubby clothes. He looks into the car and then proceeds to walk over and mime squeegee-ing it. When our window is pristine - or not b/c he IS pretending - he comes over to my side. The window is rolled down a bit. I have already not-so-discreetly locked my door. Someone in the back is cowering and asking why we aren't moving (the light was still red!) So he mime's shaking his make-believe squeegee and says, "Big money hustler?" (yup, he says it like it's a question) Meanwhile, I'm repeating "I don't have any money." So he tries a different track. "Bling-bling?" Now this is getting ridiculous. What panhandler asks ppl for bling in lieu of cash money? I get silly too. I turn to my compadres. "I don't have any bling. Do you guys have any bling? I'm sorry, we don't have any bling." At this point the light turns green and we speed away before he makes any other requests. Like "voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" (having exhausted his extensive English vocabulary). Ah Montreal...
Random Quotes
"And then I slapped them and beat them up, even if they were a girl." - Wilson
"I like to feel the bone! I like to feel the bone!" - Mike
On World Youth Day: "One million people. the Pope. blah blah blah" - some girl in one of my classes
"Bitches, come!" - Triple X
On a pop machine at Midway: "CAUTION!! Drinks may explode when opening. Thanks." (And it did.)
"My mom says that anyone who hates me is just jealous." - Random 12 year old at bus stop.
"Hey, my mom says that too!" - Her random friend.
"Fantom planet. All I know is they opened for Incubus on July 2. Well, that's not all I know..." - Jim of Jim's house.
Steff: "It was gross."
Me: "What was gross."
Steff: "The beer."
Me: "Where'd you put it?"
Steff (sheepish): "In my belly."
So I haven't had much time online lately so I only have two links. They're good ones though so I hope that makes up for it.
This is phenomenal. I played with it for a long time. Of course, I was avoiding work. Now you can too.
Another great invention. I was "MOFO J-NO" of Hawaii and California and somewhere else...
Okay, I've got stuff to do. I was just informed that I hadn't updated in a while so I felt compelled to do so. Thank Turriffic (again).
September 19, 1:00 PM.
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Okay, so I don't have time to update. A more important problem is I don't have time to sleep. I think it's giving me headaches. That's super uncool.
I intended to make this a one liner, but now that I'm here I might as well put some effort into this mofo. Do you want to know how stupid ppl are? I'm going to tell you regardless so put on your listening cap. My banker (her name's Chantal. She took down the exact date I would no longer be a student and marked it in her file so the bank can up my services charges IMMEDIATELY after I'm done. So she's nice...) told me to call this number when I closed my bank account to tell them to switch my GST direct deposit to the new one. So I finally call it and he's like: "We don't do that. You'll have to call this other number." So I call the other number and she's like: "Okay, I'll send you the form in the mail. It'll take 4 to 21 days to get to you." So she's about to hang up, but I want to know what will happen to my money since it's supposed to be coming this month. She doesn't understand the question. "Well," I say slowly and for the millionth time, "where will the money go if it gets directed deposited into a closed account?" "Oh, well, they'll probably send you a check..." "Thanks (dumbass)". I don't even ask her how long that will take...
LINKS LINKS LINKS LINKS LINKS LINKS LINKS LINKS LINKS LINKS LINKS
"Anyway, ever since I got together with that guy at 'the hole'..." (flip through the cartoon. it's great)
Bitches come.
Honestly, there are no words to describe this. Actually, hilarious comes to mind...
"Please don't shoot slow children."
Just cool. It kinda looks like a dove.
I can't get over how appetizing all the "food" looks...
The L stands for fabulous (oh and Leroy)
"Cookies and cognac: breakfast of driving champions."
QUOTES - HOW THE WEST WAS WON, QUOTES - HOW THE WEST WAS WON, QUOTES - HOW THE WEST WAS WON
"I'm a sinful man. A deep dark sinful man. I'm going to Pittsburgh to be sinful again."
"He said it was a real solemn occasion. Like shootin' the rapids without a paddle."
"Thirsty mister" "Why, I'm drier than a grasshopper on a hot griddle."
"Your hair would look good hanging as the prize of an Indian."
"It ain't polite to ask a woman why she done something for a man."
"When's the last time yous seen a white woman?"
"Wet or dry, you're the handsomest woman I've ever seen. You've got a fine sturdy body. Why, for you, childbearing would be as easy as rolling off a log."
And I'm spent. Excuse any spelling/grammar/logic flaws in this update. Thank you. October 4, 2:25 AM.
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So I can finally update. The yahoo redirect is still messed up, but I figured away around it b/c I'm some sort of genius.
Lisa keeps on seeing things that I should put on my update, but I don't write them down so I don't have a clue what they are. It's sad really. I think one of them may have been about a guy. Yeah, I'm sure it was about a guy. We were at Barrymores listening to the sweet sounds of Pink Floyd when this guy just started spinning to the music. Around and around he went, flailing his arms in time to the beat. I almost puked from the display, but he was just going. He certainly has a stronger stomach than I...
It's that time of year again. The time of year that I have narcolepsy. Why is there so much work and so little time to do it? It didn't help that I chose to go to the movies tonight (Formula 51 - it's FABULOUS!!!) instead of working on a presentation worth 60 per cent of my mark. PS: Mike, I'm so sorry we didn't wait for you, but when do I have time to go to the movies? Never, that's when.
Random Stuff
"I ain't got purdy words. Things ain't what they seem. Come up to my room. B/c I'm a human trampoline." - by Jeff Smallwood
"Well aren't you the clever little chunky monkey." - Formula 51
"If you think about 'cool' literally, it's the opposite of warm." - male designer on some show
Outback Waiter: "I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry"
Texan: "Only once to a man and we appreciate it."
Commercial at the theatre: "www.CareersInOilAndGas.com" Sounds like a party...
On a church sign outside Kemptville: "Exposure to the son may prevent burning." I thought it was clever AND hilarious.
I think that's pretty much it. I've got to get to sleep before I die.
October 21, 11:46 PM.
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Four score and a few weeks ago, I stopped updating. It wasn't b/c I don't like to, it's b/c I don't have a spare moment. See, I should be sleeping right now, but since I have to get up early and spend time with CockMolester, I would rather be doing this. The longer I don't sleep, the longer it is before I have to see CM and that's a fantastic thing. I hate her with a passion. I can't even begin to describe.
Okay. I am a calm blue ocean. I will not mention CM again.
In other news, I'm super sick. I will also be visiting a nursing home tomorrow morning. If all goes well, no elderly ppl will be hurt by my visit. If all goes horribly, horribly wrong, I will be responsible for the deaths of a few dozen innocent beings due to cough and cold. It will be a heavy burden that I will take with me to the grave. I'd just like to add, it'll all be one person's fault. I won't say explicitly, but their name starts with a "cock" sound and ends with a "olester" sound. PS: I hate her. Okay, I'm about to pass out (Is this how I end every update? oh how unoriginal I am...) so here are a few links for your viewing pleasure.
"When my son had an erection I watched as he was blasted with the anti-erection ring. When the sparks started flying it reminded me of that scene in 'Return of the Jedi' when Luke is being zapped by the Emperor. The irony of the situation was not lost as he screamed, 'save me father!!!'"
It's refreshing to see a Web site that embraces multiculturalism like this one does.
I don't know about you, but this scares me.
One way to pass the time...
"Sores followed by a rash can only mean one thing!"
"Find a good Christian girlfriend that can encourage you." Um, I'm getting a mixed message here...
Okay, like, you know, our dark lord is telling me that's enough for tonight. Here's hoping I don't die tomorrow b/c my brakes fail.
November 13, 11:41 PM.
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