I am furious and frustrated, and I feel that I am no longer in control of my own fate.  We do not belong here, yet we are trying to change history in a time band that can destroy us for our interference.  I don't believe we have the right to be here manipulating the lives of others, but Barnabas refuses to leave until he has risked both of our lives to save Maggie and Quentin from the Angelique of this time.  I thought he was again trying to recapture his lost youth by being Knight in Shining Armour to a Josette look-alike.  Until today I thought he was so full of rage for Angelique that he would do anything to destroy her and her plans at any cost, even in this parallel world.   But no, after today I have terrible reservations concerning his motives and even his emotional stability.  Worse, I have doubts as to my own.  I don't know how far I will go -- how much I will do that contradicts my own morals in order to protect Barnabas from the world and from himself.      This parallel time band does not give me a time out from my obligations as a physician and the Hippocratic oath --- that I am bound to honor no matter where I am.  Still, I have caused a woman to lose her life at my own hands, a woman who would be me had I been born in this world, and I have encouraged Barnabas to destroy the body that Stokes used to bring Angelique back from the dead.   

Barnabas and I waited until Stokes left for an evening at Collinwood before we entered his cottage to put an end to the travesty that keeps Angelique alive.   The girl that Stokes has taken the life force from to reanimate Angelique is clinically dead, her body is being maintained by Stokes' intervention, but how he does it, I don't know.  She is not really alive, and if she stays the way she is, many more will die.  We agreed that the body must be destroyed, and that we must decide what to do about Stokes so he can't find another to make Angelique live again.  Barnabas was poised to plunge the knife into the body, when I pulled back the drape, and he froze with the blade in the air as if struck numb.

For a moment I was afraid that he might have been stopped by Angelique's magic -- even in this time her powers are frightening.  But it was not Angelique preventing him from ending her evil control over the Collins family, it was his own weakness for a pretty young face that stopped him from putting Angelique back in Hell where she belongs.   He suddenly refused to carry out the plan for no more reason than he had  "never seen a face so beautiful in a world so full of ugliness".   I don't understand him!   The only way to destroy Angelique was at hand, and he was gushing poetically over the girl's body like a moon struck character in a hastily conceived melodrama.    He might as well have plunged the blade through my heart.  How could he possibly have such strong emotions so quickly over a stranger who means nothing to him and is more dead than alive?  Could it be that my own emotions for Barnabas have blinded me to a shallowness in his character that can not be excused away by curse or circumstance?  Have I once again fooled myself into hoping for more than friendship from a man who will never see me as more than a friend?

How many times I have dreamed that someday he would look at me the same way he looked at that young girl.  I must get a grip on my emotions and not make a fool of myself.  At least I still have his respect, even if at this moment I seriously question my respect for his judgment.

Barnabas wants me to bring the girl back to life, he believes that Angelique will somehow trade places and be in the same dead state if I succeed.  But how am I to accomplish this when I don't know how Stokes did it.  I can guarantee that it was not much science but very much of the occult involved.   Barnabas is suddenly determined to bring her back to life no matter the consequences.  In the past I always thought that Barnabas knew what was best, but now I can only believe that whatever befalls those at Collinwood will be his responsibility.

Her heart is barely beating and her pulse is the lowest it could be and still maintain the body.  She is in a deep near-death hibernation.  If she does live through this, I'm afraid there could be brain damage -- yet -- she responded to Barnabas' touch.  He held her hand and her fingers moved, and when he squeezed tighter, her eyes fluttered open.  Perhaps Stokes' experiment was destined to meet with failure on its own.   Though her eyes were open, she didn't respond in any other manner, but Barnabas begged her to speak to him with such pathos, a stranger would think that this was his last chance for love.   I couldn't bear to watch him and had to turn away.  Then we heard the slam of the front door and footsteps, and I realized that Stokes was back early, and we were about to be discovered.   I knew there was no way we could explain the presence of both Barnabas and myself in the cottage, so Barnabas disappeared from the room and I faced Stokes alone. 

Stokes cornered me in that little room with a black stare that almost stopped my heart, and he demanded to know why I was there.  I thank my natural stubbornness for stiffening my spine and giving me the nerve to carry off my charade.  I told him I had a premonition that something had happened to Angelique, and I came to check on the body.  I quickly added that Angelique had given me the door key earlier, and I thought there might be something I could do.   He obviously doubted my story of a premonition, but I counted on Angelique's complete trust of Hoffman to help me through my disguise with her father.   My heart was pounding wildly as I tried to act with calm bravura while trapped in that room with a man I suspect to be a dangerous combination of sociopath with a massive inferiority/superiority complex.  There is no limit to what such a personality will do to get what he thinks he deserves.   He silently considered what I'd said and suddenly accepted my story, asking was I sure her hand and eyelids moved.  Then he showed surprising alarm for Angelique's safety and rushed to the telephone to call her.  I did my best to regain my composure while they talked.  The girl was once again still, and I knew I could do no more for her tonight.  Stokes hardly took notice when I slipped out the door.   I returned to Collinwood only to find Angelique waiting for me to draw her bath and turn down her bed for the night, when all I wanted was to soak in my own hot tub and crawl into my own bed in my own time band.  The life of a housekeeper is not the life for me.  I had to bite my lip to keep from snapping at her to do it herself.

Quentin Collins has been jailed for the murder of Bruno Hess.  The Police Inspector caught Quentin crouched over Bruno's body, who it appears died of strangulation, though Quentin vehemently denies attacking him.  Quentin claims Bruno suddenly began choking and collapsed before his eyes.   The Inspector doesn't believe him for one second, but I know that Angelique is looking like the pleased Cheshire Cat that swallowed the canary. 

Our course was clear.  If we had destroyed the body at Stokes' cottage when we had the chance, Angelique would not be alive to cause any more grief to the Collins family.  Now if anything happens to Angelique, Bruno's real murderer will be destroyed and Quentin will be punished.  Barnabas wants me to keep the girl alive and stay with her as often as I can.  I'll have to think of a way to explain my actions to Stokes and the witch if I'm caught.  I know the danger, but despite the risk, I'll do as he asks.  I must be extremely careful -- to be found out will surely mean I'll be the next victim of Angelique's wrath.  I do not fool myself as to what that means.

It becomes more difficult for me to go to the Old House, or Loomis House as it is known in this time band, but I feel the strong need to be near Barnabas never the less.  I did so today, and found Carolyn gone and no one there to guard Barnabas while he slept.  And if that wasn't upsetting enough, while I was there, the Police arrived searching for Quentin, who has escaped from jail, possibly with Angelique's help.  If that is true, he is in greater danger from her than he would be in prison.   The Police almost found the secret room during their search.  Thank goodness I was there to stop them from looking further.

Not a word or a hint from Angelique as to where Quentin might be hiding.  She's enjoying one of her more coy moods!  But Carolyn has discovered that Bruno was possibly murdered through the use of a voodoo doll.  This puts Angelique's undisputable stamp on the whole affair.  Perhaps if we could discover who really killed Angelique, we could clear Quentin from the suspicion of that murder, and then it will be easier to convince him to turn himself in when we find him.

Maggie Collins has almost been pushed to the edge of a nervous breakdown.   I found her at the doors to Angelique's room, near hysteria, claiming that the doors were locked and someone was inside playing the piano.  Yet the doors swung open at my touch revealing the room was empty and silent.  My heart goes out to her, she shouldn't be in this house alone.   For a moment I dispensed with my charade  long enough to suggest that she go to Loomis House where she can rest and Carolyn could take care of her -- (and where she would be away from Angelique's influence).  But a cold draft froze my spine as Angelique's voice crackled with a warning behind me, telling me that Mrs. Collins would stay with HER at Collinwood.  The look on her face told me that I had committed a serious breach of loyalty, and I had better be ready to explain myself, or she would see through my disguise.  I left the room praying she does not suspect the truth.

Barnabas has decided we CAN get to Angelique through the body at Stokes'.  When the girl moves, Angelique becomes weak, and he thinks we can control her condition slightly, then Angelique will collapse and be able to do nothing.  He believes that will give us time to prove Quentin's innocence.  I tried to refuse, but pointing out the weakness in his plan fell on his conveniently deaf ears.  The man is so aggravating!   He insists that we must kidnap the body from Stokes' and bring it to Loomis House, where I must experiment on it to find how to draw out the life force from Angelique and return it to the girl.   I don't know that I can change her condition at all, much less bring her to life.  Besides, when Angelique finds her missing, she'll know Barnabas had something to do with it and she'll search this house and try to destroy him.  I told him it was more logical to forget the girl and find Quentin, but he threw it back in my face and said the girl comes first.

I had to turn my back and walk away from him so that he couldn't see the pain I felt from his words.  Already the girl means more to him than the rest of us.  I took a deep breath and told him through clenched teeth that I would not help him.   It mattered little to him -- he said he would do it without me.  Without me!  If he'd plunged a dagger in me it wouldn't have hurt as much.

Barnabas and Will have brought the girl's body to Loomis House.  Stubborn man, he should have listened to me.  He has no idea what he's started -- and it's just beginning.    Angelique came to the house right on their heels, asking for Barnabas, but Will managed to get rid of her while we listened in the secret room behind the bookcase.  I know what has to be done now, because of the danger, and I told Barnabas I'd changed my mind and will try to return the girl's life force.  He took my hand and held it between his so gently, his voice was so soft when he spoke my name in thanks, that I felt sad resignation.  Once again Barnabas gets his way in spite of my own deep feelings to the contrary.

Well, I've been called on the carpet by my "mistress".  Angelique is angry with me for spending so much time away without having any information about Barnabas.   If she only knew the truth about where I really spend much of that time and with whom.

She believes that it is Barnabas causing all of her trouble, and she is panic stricken.  That makes her the more dangerous.  I must be careful that I don't make her suspicious about me.  She has already noticed too many behavioral differences between Hoffman and me.   She has identified Barnabas as her enemy, and she is certain that he has the girl.  She will stop at nothing until she destroys him.  We must both be careful. 

It has become more difficult to be with Barnabas at Loomis House,  Angelique keeps asking me no end of questions, so Barnabas sent Will to do some spying in my place, but while he was gone, Barnabas felt that Will was in serious trouble, his vampiric link picked up strong vibrations of fear from Will.   Barnabas was going to Collinwood to help Will, but it was almost dawn, so I volunteered to go in his place, to do whatever I could to intervene.   I looked for Will in the west wing and heard his and Angelique's voices coming from the tower room.  They were arguing when I opened the door, and I saw he was standing in the open window, poised to jump.  Dear God -- he looked toward me startled, and lost his footing.  Will Loomis fell three stories to his death, severing his spinal cord upon impact.   Poor Will, would he have jumped if I hadn't entered the room?  I have no answer to that, but I am certain there will be no end to the misery in this house as long as Angelique lives.

episodes 1039 to 1046