November 1967 - Page5

While visiting the Old House, today, I pondered over Barnabas' obsession with Josette. Such an ordinary woman, and yet he wants no one else...

While in HER room, I felt a sensation - a presence. At first, I thought it might be she - but it didn't 'feel' like a woman's presence.

Perhaps it was nerves, that made me think it was Dave? Or a guilty conscience?

Though I had said I would stop short of taking a human life, I know that Dave's death was, in the end, the only way to protect Barnabas - and the experiment.

I had to resume my 'researcher' guise when Vicki arrived at the Old House, looking for Barnabas, and asked me if I were researching Josette now.

I was forced to be sharp with her, over what I felt was her over-exuberance.

I should have realized that she would have told Barnabas.

Though I did apologize to Vicki later, and she accepted graciously, Barnabas wasn't so forgiving, though I had expected his anger.

Reminding me yet again of my involvement in Dave's death, and that our relationship was nothing more, than that of 'doctor and patient.'

Of course, it goes much further than that, and I told him so. When two people commit murder, even if one is compelled to do so, for survival's sake, and the other an unwilling accessory, it goes much, much further. From now, on, an invisible bond that can never be severed ties Barnabas and me to each other.

********

Barnabas insists on speeding up the experiments. Of course, I told him it was impossible. The treatments must proceed at the pace I have set, and he must realize that.

I know why he is in such haste. While Burke Devlin, is missing, he hopes to win Vicki and make her his precious Josette.

And he has -quite forcefully- made it clear that I must not let my jealously over Vicki, interfere with the cure. Is it possible that he has realized that I have strong feelings for him? Despite everything that has happened between us, I find myself beginning to care for him more and more. I long to reach the man that I know still exist behind his fear and the nature of his curse.

Could it be possible that I AM jealous of Vicki? I, who is privy to his secret? Perhaps he is right, and perhaps he is not.

All I know, is that at times like these, when he is most cruel and vindictive, if the treatments are worth all this pain, suffering and death. But then I remember the glimmer of hope in his riveting eyes, and see again the man he could be again - with time.

And I know that I will do anything - endure anything - to see it happen.

I WILL NOT, let him intimidate me - even when he has the upper hand.(346)

Once again, Barnabas has had his own way. Against my better judgment, I went along with his wishes. I can't help but share his elation as he experienced though a somewhat accelerated reaction to the treatments.

The delight on his face and his voice spoke volumes to me. And once more, his unguarded moments of hope, and joy, prove he isn't the evil monster he believes himself to be.

He was determined to rush out into the sun, but I had to refuse him. His reactions are puzzling, and caution must be exercised. He was quite disappointed when I insisted that he wait. Like a child who's eager to open his Christmas presents early.

Despite my objections, he is determined to share this moment with his 'beloved' Vicki tomorrow, at sunrise. But I intend to convince him against this folly.

********

On the way back to Collinwood, I devised a plan to convince Barnabas that things must progress at a slower pace, if the treatments are to be a success.

However, the details of this plan, meant I had to hypnotize Vicki - with a crystal, as Vicki would have recognised my medallion at once.

If Barnabas ever finds out - and I intend that he won't - he will feel that I have betrayed him. On the contrary, I am saving him from himself, as well as from his unique condition. (347)

At dawn's approach I found Barnabas sitting passively in the chair in the Lab.

The despair in his voice as he spoke, wrenched at my heart.

I knew that accelerating the experiment was foolhardy, but I never expected the consequences that have followed. I'm only grateful that the rapid aging has only affected his hands.

On mentioning that I could have adjusted to something like this happening, had I been allowed to progress at the set pace I had planned, he gripped me, with those withered hands, in a vice-like grip, saying, quite unnecessary, "There's power in these hands still, so be careful! Be very careful!"

There is a chance I can reverse what is happening to him - stop the accelerated aging - before it destroys him completely.

Even now, the horror, and the desperate fear in his voice, sends a shiver through me. (348)

I promised him hope and a future. Instead, all I have given him, is a slow destruction.

My last attempt, as failed miserably. Instead of reversing the rapid aging, it has only speeded it up, and turned him into a wizened, old man. Alarmingly close to his true age.

He blames me entirely, on his present appearance – despite the glaring fact that he himself insisted on haste. All because of Vicki.

He has called off the experiments, expounding that its my revenge – for him not allowing our ‘relationship’ to progress future than it has.

Has my growing love for him – for I have even realized this for myself, despite everything – become obvious even to him?

He no longer wishes my help, even though I informed him, that I could reverse the process – with time. But as he pointed out, time is something that he has precious little of, in his current state.

Despite of which, he insists he can still save himself, by reverting to what he was.

Every murder he commits here on, will be partly my fault. If I hadn’t given him the hope of a cure…No, it was HIS insistence; his foolishness that has led to this set back, for that is all it is.

The only consolation is that in his present state, he will no longer be able to pursue Vicki. The less he sees of her, and she of him, the better chance I of convincing him to continue with the experiments.

When I suggested that he use Vicki as his means of reverting, he insisted that he would not use her in such away.

But the look in his eyes told a different story. He’s tried before, to get her in his thrall, and now here was another chance – handed to him on a sliver platter.

By urging him to take Vicki now, will be the greatest step he can take – to humanity. If he can resist her now, when his need is the greatest, then he is one more step closer to his goal.

Which side of his dueling natures, will win?

For his sake, and that of Vicki’s, I hope its his repressed human side. I know he has the strength within him – he just needs help in finding it.

And I will be the one, who gives him that help, anyway I can. (349)

Some good has come out of this endless night. As I suspected, Barnabas could not bring himself to harm Vicki. Proving again, that it is only fear of being discovered, that drives him to such extremes.

If he can resist, even now, when fresh blood could reverse his aging, he CHOSE not to. I know I’m right in saving him.

He seemed surprised, when I offered him my blood, willingly. I’d rather do that – knowing him as I do – than leaving him to the mercy of strangers.

And when he called me Julia for the first time…words cannot express how I felt when he said that one word…Julia.

He refused my offer, rather brusquely. But though his refusal stung deeply, it also offered the hope that he might resume the treatments. And with time, he will learn to trust me completely – once we have put this situation behind us.

Carolyn came to the Old House, unexpectedly. I found her in the cellar. She discovered the coffin, and I tried to get her to leave, but Barnabas found her, and attacked her.

I know he was under duress and he was forced to do what he did, but I still hoped he would have turned to me, even a stranger, than his own cousin, a member of his own family.

But, I still can’t help hoping that it still isn’t too late for him. Will Carolyn’s blood surging through his veins, be enough for him to regain his youth? (350)

Since Barnabas bitten Carolyn and his youth, I expected a change in her – but not to this degree. I know vampires and their victims have a bond between them. Such a bond cannot easily be broken – except by the destruction of the vampire.

The more I come to know Barnabas, the more I realize, just how much he differs from his ‘kind’. He’s fierce desire to be free of what he is, is once such difference. His refusal to harm Vicki – on more than one occasion – is yet another.

If he can be so different – no unique – then could it also be said for his victims? I watch Carolyn and compare her reactions to Maggie Evans.

Again, I have found it necessary to ‘influence’ Vicki. Again, I took her to the old house, but this time, not to the coffin-room and it’s sleeping occupant – but to Josette’s room.

There I explained Barnabas’ plans for her. Hopefully, what she remembers in her subconscious will not make it necessary to influence her again. But if at any time I find it necessary to do so, then I will not hesitate to do so. (352)

I must be more careful in influencing Vicki. Carolyn is becoming increasingly suspicious of me, following me from room to room, like a restless spirit.

Does she, or Barnabas suspect anything of what I am doing? Or that I am doing this, only to protect him? That it is entirely possible, that Vicki won’t come to him willingly, even without my influence. That her love for Burke Devlin, will prevent her from being what HE wants her to be?

Once more, I have had to ‘coach’ Vicki. Though she is an easy subject to induce, she is able to ‘re-emerge’ from the hypnotic influence, rather quickly. (354)

Carolyn rather belatedly gave me a message, saying that Barnabas wished to see me. It soon became obvious that her story had been nothing more than a fabrication to get me out of the house.

Barnabas is an obvious liar – I saw through his charade of friendliness and his apparent willingness to resume the treatments, "my way."

I am discovering one of the best ways to handle Barnabas, is to confront him – to let him know that you know his lying. And making a very bad job of it.

When I tried to leave, he refused, barring my way. But he is an intelligent man, and he soon realized that he had no choice but to allow me to leave. Seeing his reaction, when he has been outwitted is quite interesting.

However, I must admit that I didn’t quite expect how far his deviousness would go. I found Carolyn about to leave my bedroom, on my return to the house.

I didn’t believe her excuse of looking for aspirin, and I ordered her from my room.

This can only mean one thing; Barnabas means to kill me, once he has the notebook.

He has found out about Vicki – and from his warped perspective – I am a threat. I must hide my notes, if I am to save myself – but where?

Of course! The grandfathers clock in the foyer! Neither Carolyn nor Barnabas will think of there!

Suspecting that he does plan to kill me, I confronted Barnabas. Letting him know that I was aware of it. Now, the dueling pistols are drawn, so to speak. Who will act first?

When I said I’d given a letter to a ‘trusted friend’ to save Maggie’s life, I never suspected that I might just HAVE to do that, to save my own life.

The time has come to dispense with the lies and veiled threats. I must do anything and everything necessary to protect myself. (355/356)

Carolyn and then later Roger almost discovered my notes. Only the arrival of a Mr. Peterson, a young lawyer, prevented them from investigating further.

But while both Roger and Carolyn were occupied, I managed to secure my notes form the clock.

Carolyn almost succeeding in getting them from me, and would have, if Mr. Peterson, hadn’t picked that moment to leave. On an impulse, I asked for a ride into town, and he accepted.

While in his office, I became quite hysterical. Though he is keeping my notebook in his office safe, I am not sure if he can be trusted. I’m no longer certain who can be trusted.

But I do feel secure in the knowledge that Barnabas cannot act until he has that book. And while they are in town, I am safe.

Yet even now, I still want to help him. How can I not – he is everything I’ve spent my life looking for, even if he is a minority.

I wish I could convince him, that I am not the threat he thinks I am.

After visiting Dave’s grave –despite our differences, he was still my friend – I found a grisly surprise. The needle and serum bottle that Barnabas used to kill Dave.

I can’t believe how Barnabas intends to go. To use these – knowing what they mean – against me, is unforgivable. But of course, that is precisely why he is doing this. He knows how Dave’s death has affected me, and he plans to use it against me. I will not be frightened! I WILL NOT! (357/358)

I saw Dave’s ghost last night. It was a terrifying sight. He accused me of killing him. When I tried to explain that it was Barnabas, I tried to reason with him. But how do you reason with a ghost?

Due to the restless night, I was trying to remove the draperies, when Mrs’ Johnson burst into my room, and caught me.

We talked; mostly as to why I wanted the draperies removed, and convincing her to help me.

He haunts me still. All during the conversation, I heard Dave’s voice quite distinctly. And yet Mrs. Johnson heard nothing.

I admit I was afraid to stay in the room, or the house, and spent most of the day in town.

I was certain that Barnabas was involved, and confronted him, once more. He was his old courtly self; the guise he likes the world to see.

I was suspicious of him, when he said that he’d seen Dave’s ghost, too. And he went on to admit that was ‘developing a conscience.’

And apologized for turning against me, when the treatments failed.

I was reluctant to believe him, but he quite unexpectedly placed his hands, gently on my arms, and guided me to a chair. He told me that he cared! I was so overcome, that I could hardly speak.

He promised that we’d talk tomorrow night, and when I arose, he took my hand and kissed it"

I so want to believe that he is telling the truth. That this is not yet another of his fiendish tricks, in his macabre game, that he insists on playing. Let it be true! (359)

When I first came here, I never realized the terror and the horror that I would discover, or that I would be the recipient. I never thought that he would turn against me as he has. I am glad that I followed my instincts, and didn’t trust him, no matter how much I wanted to.

After checking with Mr. Peterson on the safety of the notebook, I went to the Evans, cottage, hoping that Maggie may have seen Sarah. At least I have found that Maggie is safe; Sarah and her doll had not been seen for several weeks.

In my desperation, I went to the mausoleum, hoping to find Sarah. When she did appear, she was angry over Dave’s death, and left without answering my questions about Barnabas. Or if she would protect me, should Barnabas try to harm me.

She is such a sweet child – I can understand why she is so dear to Barnabas, She is very like him, I think – she has the same sad, eyes…

Vicki and David have returned from Boston. In spite of everything, I visited Barnabas, and told him of her return, hoping that it would convince him, that contrary to his believes I am not jealous of Vicki.

I mentioned seeing Sarah, because I felt he should know. His immediate reaction was disbelief. When he realized I spoke the truth; he was determined to find her.

He attacked me, when I said that she wouldn’t appear to him. I thought that this time, he really would kill me.

But Sarah’s appearance stopped him, and the change was startling.

She was very angry with him; because of all the people he had hurt, and promised that he would never see her again until he stopped.

I will never forget the pain in his tortured voice as he begged her, to come back. When she refused, he actually wept! Perhaps he is more human than he realizes?

I forgive him, in that moment. Even when he said that I mean very little to him. Why can’t he understand, that when I look at him, it’s not a vampire that I see, but a man – a sad, embittered, lonely man?

I returned to Collinwood with a heavy heart. I had such hopes of curing him, only to see them crumble into nothing.

Returning to my room, I heard David mention the dead returning to hurt somebody in the house. I told Mrs. Stoddard and Vicki to believe David, as I had seen Sarah, myself.

They were reluctant to believe me – Roger especially. But they plan to hold a séance, in the hope of contacting Sarah.

I’ve thought of leaving here, after the séance, but the image of Barnabas, weeping for his sister, remains with me. If I leave, who will stop his reign of destruction? Who will protect David, and Vicki? And who will protect Barnabas, himself?

I cannot leave. In spite of all he says, Barnabas needs me…and I need him. (363/364/365/366)