October 1967 - Page 4

Another confrontation with Barnabas. I have the unnerving feeling that I can expect we will be at odds with each other until the day we part company. At least I hope it will be daytime, and he will be standing straight and tall in the sunlight, a tribute to the success of my experiment.

What an exasperating man! This evening while I waited for him to return to the Old House, I filled the time by reading a fascinating 18th century medical book entitled 'The Modern Physick's Journal'. I had settled into an amusing chapter on poultices, (and wonder how our ancestors survived the medical treatments of the time), when Barnabas returned in a disagreeable mood that almost made me consider applying the nettle poultice I'd been reading about to his posterior. But I controlled the urge to return his snipe in like kind by calmly and logically pointing out that just as he enjoyed browsing through his family album, I enjoyed browsing through medical books.

That seemed to work well enough, then he changed the subject and told me he had been to the hospital to see about Willie. Dave Woodard has as well as assured me that Willie is going to die, but Barnabas is seething with the most incredible impatience because the man hasn't died yet, as if he were reneging on a promise. It should be enough that he is in a coma, but Barnabas is afraid that Willie will regain consciousness and expose him for what he is.

The man has actually considered going to the hospital and ending Willie's life, as if that would make all of the problems disappear. I dissuaded him with logic, but just when I thought I had defused the situation, he brought up his fear of little David being a threat to him. I can not believe he would seriously consider killing a child, but his panic was so obvious, that I suggested helping him by hypnotizing David, the way I hypnotized Maggie, to make him forget his curiosity about Barnabas. That seemed to calm his fears somewhat.

Sometimes I almost forget that he is a vampire, a creature of legendary evil. Sometimes he shows a vulnerable, gentle nature that I am certain he possessed as a mortal man. I sometimes find myself thinking of him as a normal man who is merely suffering from a strange blood disorder.

********

Things have not gone as well as I had expected. I overheard Mrs. Stoddard and Vickie talking this morning about David's nightmare in which Barnabas was trying to kill him, and I saw the opening I needed for the chance to talk to David alone.

Mrs. Stoddard gave her permission for me to talk with the boy, and David was cooperative enough, all was going as I had planned, until I showed him my medallion. I was lulling him into an hypnotic state, when he suddenly started, and then bolted out of the drawing room, calling for help. I found myself in the uncomfortable situation of having to explain to Mrs. Stoddard that I had no idea why David was frightened of me. I managed to talk my way out of that one, but it was a most unexpected development, and needless to say, the problem with David still exists. I am now concerned how Barnabas will react when he finds out. [Episodes 326/327]

I have rarely dealt with anyone as prone to panic as Barnabas Collins. No matter how much good sense I try using to calm his insecurities about Willie Loomis, he insists on believing that Willie is a threat to his entire life. Sometimes it feels like I must tip toe through a minefield every time I talk to the man. I am certain that his mental state is greatly influenced by his condition, but that doesn't make dealing with him any easier.

Barnabas is so insistent about throwing all suspicion of guilt onto Willie Loomis for Maggie's kidnapping, that he actually placed incriminating evidence in Willie's room for Sheriff Patterson to find. He hid Maggie's ring, and made sure it would be found. I suggested he hide it someplace easy to find, like under the mattress or in his clothes, but Barnabas chose to put it in a candlestick so it would look like Willie was really trying to hide it. The working of his mind amazed me, he may be mad, but he is without a doubt quite intelligent.

********

Willie has come out of his coma, and Barnabas has insisted that I see to it that Willie does not recover. That was his politely worded command for me to commit murder, and he justified it by saying I had to do it to protect my career. If Willie talks, my whole career would be in ashes, my medical license would be revoked, and all that I have worked so hard for destroyed by the words of a dying man. The thought terrifies me far more than Barnabas' threats or even his physical abuse.

Last night was a test of my personal and medical ethics, and I am sure that I would not give myself a passing grade. I am ashamed to say that the day has finally come when I almost killed a human being -- I almost killed Willie. How could I have come so close? If Dave Woodard hadn't walked into Willie's hospital room when he did, I think I really would have pulled the needle from Willie's arm -- at least my fingers were on it when Dave walked in and asked what I was doing. Oh, I made up a story that Willie had moved, and I was checking to be sure the needle hadn't pulled out. But the relief I experienced from being stopped before I went through with the awful deed, says little to nothing for my strength of character. What have I gotten myself into? When did I lose control?

I can not take a life! I am a healer -- not a killer. I will never forget the awful realization that my fingers were on the needle, ready to remove Willie's only lifeline. Dear God, there has to be a way to keep Willie from talking to the authorities without committing murder. I will NOT do it, no matter what Barnabas threatens. I wonder how Dave could have ever made such a completely off the wall remark that he believes I am smitten with Barnabas. I could never have serious feelings for a man who has such little regard for human life. I shudder to think how far he would go, but even more I wonder how far I will go to protect myself.

The only bright side to this dark affair is that Willie has no memory of anything that has happened. His mind has repressed it all, and his frightened babbling convinced Dave and Sheriff Patterson that he is quite mad. Dave says they will transfer Willie to a hospital for the criminally insane. [Episodes 328/329]

It never seems to rain at Collinwood without a downpour. I caught David Collins trying to sneak into the basement of the Old House last evening. He was insistent about the basement door being locked and didn't want to leave until he had a look, but it was almost dark, and I feared for him if Barnabas arose and found him there.

I forcefully took him back to Collinwood, and tried to impress upon Roger Collins that his son's youthful prowling could accidentally result in damage to some of Barnabas Collins' priceless antiques. Mr. Collins understands that practical concern and readily agreed to forbid David from going there again, he is actually a quite reasonable man, then he revealed to me that David believes Barnabas wants him to die and is hiding a deep dark secret in the basement.

Barnabas must not find this out, if he knew, then I am certain he would go to any length to end David's life. I can not allow that to happen. David is only a child. I feel that I would be powerless to stop Barnabas once his mind was set, therefore I must keep him from finding out in order to protect the boy. If Roger will just keep his son away from the Old House, Barnabas need not know.

********

I am quite pleased with the progress that I see in the experiment, and I am extremely hopeful for a cure. The injections no longer make him ill, and I have seen changes occurring in his blood samples, The deviant cells are decreased in number, and they appear not to be as aggressive. I only wish Barnabas' own aggressive tendencies would respond in like kind.

Last night he demanded to know if I had succeeded in hypnotizing David and had obliterated his memory of the secret room. I can not let his fear of exposure be the death of the child, so I tried to minimize the threat by calmly pointing out that no one would believe David's highly imaginative stories. Barnabas' reaction was unnerving. He has thought of a way to discredit anything David says, but he would not confide to me what that plan is. I still can not be certain that he will not hurt the child. This is a most untenable situation. [Episodes 330/331]

Barnabas attacked me last night. I was not prepared for his physical violence. I was ready to give him his treatment, but noticed that something appeared to bother him, and when I asked him for an explanation, he suddenly accused me of disloyalty and gripped my throat with such strength that for a moment, I was sure he was going to kill me. He only released me when I told him that David had been at the Old House again, but that nothing happened.

He is terrified for his safety during the day when he is helpless, and without Willie here to protect him during the day, he feels completely vulnerable and frightened of exposure. He reacts violently in the face of these strong emotions, lashing out to hurt even me who can end this life of torment for him. He still doubts that I will do anything to protect him, but he must know that I would be destroyed along with his own destruction, and I will do anything to protect myself.

I don't know from where I drew the strength to calmly reason with him when I could still feel the pressure of his cold fingers around my throat. Not only does his physical abuse frighten me, but my reaction to it disturbs me as well. In my practice, I have seen women who were victims of domestic abuse go back to their abusive husbands only to be harmed again. I have never been that type of woman -- at least never before, but by admitting to myself that I might have some feelings for him, whatever they may be -- I could be falling into an emotional trap that might be my downfall. I have to remain strong and clear headed, if not for his sake then most definitely for my own. My fate is becoming too closely entangled with his to allow his hysteria to destroy us both. His treatments must be successful to save us.

********

David was missing from Collinwood again, and in spite of his promise to stay away from the Old House, in spite of the real danger that threatens him there, the boy went to the Old House at sundown and entered the basement where he saw the coffin and was caught by Barnabas. I don't know what he would have done to the child had I not arrived, but I believe my presence gave Barnabas the security to take charge of the situation without violence. He says he has a plan to discredit whatever David claims to have seen.

David returned to Collinwood crying 'coffin' and Dave Woodard and Burke Devlin insisted on inspecting the Old House basement. David accused me of lying to protect Barnabas because I am his friend. Out of the mouths of babes! [Episodes 332/333]

Dave Woodard makes me uneasy with his insistent questions about Sarah returning from the dead. I found him in the library at Collinwood, doing research on the Collins family history, and he has discovered that Sarah was the sister of the original Barnabas. He is getting too close to our secret. I can't allow him to become any more suspicious, so I gave no credence to his story of ghosts, telling him that he had only imagined seeing her because he had been working too hard. Dave tried to validate what he saw by saying that Sam Evans saw Sarah as well, but I quickly dismissed anything Mr. Evans thought he saw because of his notoriously heavy drinking. Howver, I'm afraid that my effort didn't convince him. Dave persists. [Episodes 336/337]

I met Dave Woodard coming out of the Old House last night, and he was bristling with barbed innuendos. I don't like his interest, Dave would have made a good policeman, had he not chosen a career in medicine. He can be like a bloodhound on the scent, and that worries me a great deal.

He said that he was just talking to Barnabas, as if his conversation was completely innocent, but I found Barnabas to be very disturbed by the visit, and he said that Dave asked too many questions about Sarah, even calling her HIS sister. Barnabas is extremely concerned that Dave knows something about my experiment, and that he might find out the truth.

I tried to calm his fears. He touches something in me with that look of desperation and glimmer of vulnerability that he quickly tries to hide, as if guilty of being caught in a weak moment.

I can no longer deny to myself that I have become emotionally attracted to him. Against all logic, I felt sparks that first night when he came to my bedroom, but I thought it was a rush of arenalin from talking myway out of certain death at his hands. Now I know I've fallen deeper than I ever thought possible. I find myself wanting to reassure him with a touch, yet when I do, he moves away. I don't want to become vulnerable to this man, all of my intellect tells me that it would be exceedingly foolish, yet my feelings betray me, and I react to him on an emotional level.

I know I shouldn't let my guard down now, I tried to convince Barnabas that he is in no danger from Dave's questioning because he believes my interest in Barnabas is not as a doctor, but because I care for him. I don't know what sort of reaction I expected, but I was not prepared for his derision. It was so painful to endure his laughter and the sneer in his voice. while pretending not to care. I've never felt this way before -- I couldn't turn to face him immediately.

I am sure that I've convinced him that I have everything under control. Barnabas told me to find out what I could from Dave, and he paid such a compliment that the pain I felt before washed away. I was so flattered that he thinks so highly of my intelligence, the earlier hurt dissolved instantly.

I confronted Dave, and I am genuinely frightened. I thought I could easily convince him there was no reason to be curious about Barnabas, but something has changed his mind. He has done some snooping into the chemical purchases that I've made for Barnabas' treatments, and he demanded to know what I am doing at the Old House. I told him that I am treating a serious blood disease, but Dave obviously doubts me. He has been my friend since medical school, I can not allow his curiosity to put him in any danger. Barnabas will not be so lenient. I gave him a strong warning, but he accused me of threatening him. Oh Dave.

Barnabas demanded that I destroy all of my notes on the experiment. I tried to explain the importance of keeping a record of all that I've done, but he is adamant. Nothing I said could change his mind. We went immediately to Collinwood to get my notebook, and when we arrived, Dave was there, but his manner was odd, and he left quite abruptly. Barnabas accompanied me to my room, and I showed him that my notes were safely hidden in a strong box. but I found that the strong box had been forced open and my journal was missing. [Episodes 338/339]

My hand is shaking s0, that I am not sure I can write this entry. Dear God, I am an accomplice to murder.

There could be no question that Dave had entered my room and taken my notebook. Barnabas' immediate reaction was that I would help him get back the book by killing Dave! I knew 'something' had to be done, but not murder! Yet he insisted without mercy that I would help him make it look like an accident.

I already share the responsibility for his actions, but how could I help him take a life? I am not a killer, taking life goes against all that I believe -- all that I am. But Barnabas would not be dissuaded, he insisted that he would torture Dave in the most painful, horrifying way possible before he would allowed him to die, and it would be my fault.

I couldn't stop him! His cruelty is insane. Dave would die a horrible, agonizing death at his hands if just to show me that he could do it. I couldn't stand the knowledge, and I weakened by telling Barnabas that there was a way Dave could die quickly and painlessly if injected with a drug to make him appear to have a heart attack. I didn't want to be a part of it, yet I was forced against my will, threatened with Dave's suffering. Oh God, I couldn't, I desperately tried to think of an alternative.

I prepared the hypodermic as Barnabas demanded, but it was a repulsive thing in my hand that I hated and wanted out of my sight. I told Barnabas to take it, but he scoffed at me, he was going to force me to commit the murder by my own hand. He is cruel, but not unintelligent, I tried to convince him that I might still be able to talk Dave into cooperating in the experiment for the sake of medical science. I begged him to give me that chance, and he agreed but demanded that I take the hypodermic with me. I obeyed, but prayed that it would stay in my purse.

I was so certain that I could persuade Dave, so sure that my friend would listen to reason, but when I went to talk to him at his office, he had already read the notebook, and he obviously no longer trusted me. He looked at me as if I were a stranger, someone who repulsed him. He was appalled, not only at what Barnabas is, but that I was helping him, protecting him. The look of disgust in his eyes hurt me, his recriminations cut deeply.

For one of the few times in my life, I found myself having to coerce someone into violating their conscience. But Dave was stronger than I, he refused to prostitute his moral values in exchange for his life. He thought he could stop Barnabas, but he was wrong. Nothing can stop him. Dave CHOSE death to becoming Barnabas' victim. He made one attempt to escape Barnabas, by pretending to see Sarah. Oh God, the hurt in Barnabas' eyes when he saw it was a trick, and Dave was just tyring to escape. But that changed immediately to hatred and vengence, and he plunged the needle into Dave.

My friend is dead, and I had a part in it. I have helped to murder a good and dear man. There is pain beyond the physical, an agony I feel now that is threatening to tear apart all emotional control I might have. I no longer deserve the title of doctor. I am a monster, no better than the heartless man who sleeps in the coffin, I have no excuse. I deserve no pity. [Episodes 340/341]

I can never forgive myself -- never. I can destroy the hypodermic, and I can suppress all of my emotions, so that Barnabas can't see how this tortures me, but I can never forgive my part in the murder of my friend. I want to punish Barnabas, I want punishment for myself, I want justice for Dave. Yet I know that Barnabas would stop me from revealing him, and I am too much of a coward to turn myself in.

There can be no absolution from this burden of guilt. I am numb, numb from the grief, numb from muffling my sobs all night so no one could hear, numb from trying to put my undeniable guilt out of my mind, numb from trying to keep myself from hysteria. There is no forgiveness, nothing but shame and self-loathing. If I do not tightly control my emotions, I will scream outloud. I must put this from my mind somehow or I will go mad.

I thought I had a tight grasp on the terrible truth, enough to go through the motions of living, but I was unmercifully reminded of Dave by Vickie. Her kindness and concern for my loss of a dear old friend only served to push me to the edge of losing control.

I don't want to think about it, but I thought I felt Dave's presence on the patio, and when I turned around, I'm sure I saw him for a second, and then I saw nothing. I can't give in to this, it is a weakness of the mind, a horrible illusion brought on by my guilt.

I want to put an end to the experiment in spite of how far I have come with Barnabas' treatments. I do not want to continue even though the condenser is completed in the basement of the Old House. I tested it, and Barnabas saw that it is in working order. I told him that I wanted to leave, but he refused, saying that I have given him the gift of hope. He will not allow me to give up until he is human once again.

I know what he plans to do, once the treatments have made him human, he plans to make Vickie Winters his new Josette! I should not have any feelings about that, I don't want to have any feelings about him, I hate him -- I should hate him -- but when I overheard him speaking to Vickie of the future, knowing what he really meant, all I could feel was jealousy! [Episodes 342/343]

Though I try to appear strong, I have never felt so powerless. My feelings for Barnabas betray me, I know I can not allow him to use them against me, yet with mere insinuation he makes me doubt myself to a frightening degree. I am already a prisoner of my guilt over Dave's death. I shouldn't stay to help Barnabas, I should leave Collinwood, yet my experimental procedure to eliminate the deviant blood cells has begun, and I would be walking out on the very reason I came here in the first place.

The condenser is operational, his treatments are going well -- yet the emotional side of this relationship has turned against me. I must constantly be wary of what I say. His native intelligence seems to be enhanced by some psychic ability that I strongly suspect to be part of his disease. That is how I have come to regard his condition, as a disease that can be cured.

He took delight today in taunting me, I believe he knows of my attraction for him, his cruelty stung too deeply. I must appear to be detached from emotion, yet when he called me cold and clinical, I rushed to deny his hurtful barb. Perhaps if I really were so unfeeling, I could walk out on this nightmare.

Barnabas is delusional, he believes that he will have no trouble turning Vickie Winters into Josette, and that she will come to him willingly. When I tried to point out that Josette didn't come to him, he accused me of speaking as if I thought I was her rival. I could only turn away so that he could not see the shame in my eyes. He insisted on taking me to Widow's Hill to tell me about Josette, It was so terribly sad, when he talked about her, he seemed so very human, so full of loss.

But then Vickie appeared, she was upset because she had received a report that Burke's plane has crashed. Barnabas found it to be the ideal time to insinuate himself on her, as if I didn't know why, and he made a veiled threat to force me to leave so that he could be alone to 'comfort' her. Burke could be dead, and he is already stepping in to take advantage of Vickie. [Episodes 344/345]