My Coming out

Hmmm, where to start?  I guess with a little about me. I am from a family of 6, mom, dad, 3 boys and a girl. I was the youngest. My dad worked in a factory and mom stayed home until I was about 12 at which time she took a part time job. Unlike my brothers I preferred to help mom out in the house. I did not want to get greasy working on the family cars with dad.

I now can say I have always known I was gay. For a long time I hoped I was wrong. I first remember being attracted boys when a cousin came to stay with us. His father was in the hospital dying. I think I was about 6 years old. My 2 brothers and I shared a bedroom so my mom let him sleep in my sister?s room since she was sleeping over night at a friend?s house. When bedtime came I went in to tell him good night I never thought much about seeing a boy in his night cloths but when I saw him something stirred inside me. Feelings I had not known before. Seeing him in his white briefs made me want to hold him. I did not understand why I felt this way toward him. I had never seen anyone in their underwear other then my family. As time passed I was drawn to spending as much time around boys as I could.  I was not interested in playing sports but just being with them.

When it came time for dating I did not. I told everyone I was just to busy doing other things. In reality I wanted a guy NOT a girl. We lived in the country about 3 miles from the nearest town. It was so small, maybe 200 peoples there. You would hear things about fags and queers as you grow up. They were always bad things. Things I did not want to become?evil things. How could a boy who went to Sunday school and grew up in a loving family become a monster like that? Someone to be afraid of, someone who preyed on little boys? Well at least that was what I was taught a gay person did. I wish I could have known someone growing up who was gay. I was so scared.

After I graduated high school I could no longer pretend I was to busy for a girlfriend. I tried dating. It was nice to be with someone but not what I wanted. After a few years a friend reintroduced me to a girl I knew from school. We started dating. She had a set of twins. I was 25, I wanted children, a family. I thought I could be a good father, and husband. We got married about a year later. Five years later we had a daughter then soon a son. We were a family. I still had desires for men but never acted on them. I was married, trapped. I believed in our marriage.

One night my wife told me after supper she was not happy and wanted to separate for a time. I was not in love with her but I did love her and it hurt.

After a few days I still hurt but realized this was a way out.  I dreamed of men, being with them making love to them.  Later on that summer my friends tried to help me out by setting me up on a blind date with a woman. She was a nice lady but still not what I wanted. We had dated for a month when she asked me about sex. The next night we did it. My heart was not in it because I wanted a man.  She never knew the condom was empty. From that night on I knew I would never be happy with a woman. I was gay.

About a month later one Friday I was at work when a feeling came over me. I wanted to be with a man so bad. I wanted to know what it was like. I AM GAY. I cried, Then I cried for hours. I knew there was no going back, I was gay. I thought about many things. How would my kids, my friends, my family treat me. Would they hate me? I decided suicide was the best thing. I would pretend to go look at some goods to buy for the store I owned. There was to be a bad snowstorm the next day. I would deliberately wreck my truck.

That night my younger children went to visit their mother. My oldest son was home, we were to go see a movie later. I asked to talk to him. I had decided I would tell him of my plans. I came out very slow to him. I told him I was BI. I hoped he would not hate me. I was thinking about killing myself the next day. He was so supportive of to me. He told me to live. Don?t do it he still loved me. We were still going to the movies later. I felt like a giant weight was lifted from me.

The next few hours were strange. I remember looking down at myself working in the store. Later seeing myself driving to and then setting in the theater watching the movie. The weekend blurred past.

On Monday a friend came to see me. Someone I knew from my store. It was odd because no one ever came to see me. I could see in his eyes he was hurting. I told him to come in. We began talking. Soon he was telling me how he could not deal with his girlfriend dumping him. How he wanted to marry her. The next few words were so familiar, so strange. He was planning on killing himself the next day. It was to be the same place, time, and way as I had chosen. Soon we were both tearing up telling our dark secretes. We bonded, helping each other to over come our troubles. Him telling me so what if I am gay I was still a great guy. Me telling him he will find someone who cares for him as much as he will for her. I called my store asking them to cover for me. The woman said no problem she had talked to my friend and knew something was wrong. After 4 hours we finished our conversation. I felt 1000 % better. I no longer floated through life I was living it again. I know my friend felt better too.

The next weekend I drove 50 miles to a big city. I went to an adult bookstore. I got my courage up and asked the clerk if he knew of any gay bars near. He said I am not gay. I said I was sorry and meant nothing I just thought he might know. He was then kind and came out of the counter area and took me over to a stand where a free local gay newspaper was piled. He looked in it and found a gay bar only a mile away. I thanked him and soon was parked in the bar?s parking lot.

It took me an hour to go inside. It was such a rush just to be there.  I sat at the bar and just looked around. After a short time a guy started talking to me. He befriended me and we talked all night. It was so nice talking to somebody who felt like I did. Here I was free to look at men.

I started frequenting the bar almost every weekend. When someone questioned me about where I was going or whom I was going with I acted like I was looking for women. I became so at ease that sometimes I would forget to say she instead of he. One day when I was chatting with a friend I had made the mistake 4 times and thought he knew I was gay. I thought the time was right so I said I needed to tell him something and hoped he would understand. I told him I was BI. He almost fell off his chair. At that same time my daughter came down stairs and we stopped talking. He just starred at me. He did not know if I was joking, as I am a practical jokester. Ten minutes later my daughter went back upstairs and he said "did I hear you right"?  I asked him if he thought I said I was BI because I am.  He said WOW?. Cool!  I swore him to secrecy. I warned him if he told someone and I lost my kids I would harm him. My wife had left the kids with me when she moved out. I was prepared to lose my business but I did not want to lose the kids.   Slowly over the next 3 months I started saying I was gay to my friend. I now had 8 friends that I let into my closet.

The Saturday night before Mothers Day I was out to my favorite gay bar when a great looking guy came on to me. I was shocked he was so nice. He made me feel so good about myself and me about being gay. He told me how he was in town to see his mother. We talked all night. I hated it when closing time came. He gave me a goodbye kiss and was gone. This was the first time a man had ever kissed me. It was wonderful.

The next day when my wife came to return my children I had made up my mind to tell her. I would tell her the truth about my sexuality. We talked for a while then I said I have something to tell you. I told her I was afraid to tell her fearing the outcome. As I told her she just stood there swaying back and forth a little. She took the news well. Shocked but ok with it. She would not keep the kids away from me. I was a good father and they loved me. We agreed that when I told the kids and they could not handle the truth they would move in with her.

More then 4 years have passed. The kids know I am gay and they are still living with me. I have fallen in and out of love a few times. Been hurt bad and recovered with the help of good friends.

I met a wonderful man two years ago on line. We became friends. Nothing more then that He was married and thinking of ending his marriage. His wife knew his thoughts about men. Last Christmas he told me he was going to leave sometime after the New Year. I asked him if he wanted to come here for a visit He could use the time to think and to get away for awhile. We knew that from the moment I picked him up at the bus station that he would not return home. He has been here for 9 months.  His kids have been here twice to visit. They are close to my children in age, likes and dislikes. They are coming again for Thanksgiving vacation break.

If it were legal we would be married. We have our ups and downs but I would not trade it for the world. We live in a very small town and most folks here accept us. It is strange to think not 5 years ago I thought I was the only gay man in the area, maybe the state.

On Jan 5th 2002 we packed up the kids and most of our stuff and moved 800 miles south. We now live in Georgia. Johnnie has a good job here.  I feel like I have been given a chance to start over, do it right this time. It is our home, not mine, not his, OURS. My children are still not sure of the place. I guess they are home sick..  John's children have been here 3 times to visit. "Our" children get a long like real brothers and sisters. I have found happiness at last. We have passed the 1 year mark.   Life has been good here in Georgia. I took most of the summer off. I have a real nice neighbor and we do a lot together. Her name is Kristy. She is one on the kindest people you could ever hope to meet. She came over when she seen me un loading the U-Haul. I thought at that time she was a nut case and since getting to know her better I realised I was right. Just kidding she is a wonderful person.