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One of the many pieces that George Packwood wrote as a puff for his strop and paste was one which everyone with two left feet can relate to. Not content to let well enough alone, Sidi J. Mahtrow, gent., helped him along in his misfortune.
Please Note: The following is to be appended to the letter to the editor of the Courier. It having been mistakenly omitted in an earlier printing.
SJM, gent.
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April 23, 1796
To the Fair Citizens of London.
It is with apology that I come to you, hat in hand seeking your forgiveness for my transgression on 1 April, past.
Had I been aware that the Right Reverend Samuel Johnson would be leading a festive and high procession of acolytes, their family and friends on the evening of that day, their way being from Town Center to the Church, I certainly would have chosen a more suitable path for my return to my place of business at the sign of naked truth, 16 Gracechurch-Street, London where gentlemen find Packwood's Strop and Paste offered for sale for only a good tower shilling.
George Packwood, prop.
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"April 16, 1796
Mr. Editor,
When once a man's name is up in the world, he may then go to bed, or take a nod elsewhere, and if you can restrain from laughing yourself, it will be my pleasure to endeavour to keep your numerous from the painful effects of crying.
You must know I labour under a species of distress, which I fear will at length drive me utterly from that society, in which I am most ambitious to appear; but I will give you a short sketch of my origin and present situation, by which you will be enabled to judge of my difficulties: my father was a farmer in Worchestershire, near the seat of the Earl of Coventry, but of no great property, and with no other learning, like myself, than was thought necessary to assist him through life. At 12 years of age, I was put apprentice to a widow lady in the city of Worchester, with a view of qualifying myself for a barber; but being naturally of a timid and bashful disposition, I had no opportunity of rubbing off that native awkwardness which is the fatal cause of my unhappiness, and which I now begin to fear can never be amended. You must know I am of a middling stature, and dark complexion, but of such extreme susceptibility of shame, that on the smallest subject of confusion, my blood rushes into my cheeks, and I appear like a full blown rose, the consciousness of this unhappy failing. When the time of my apprenticeship was expired, I visited Bath, and other polite places of amusement, to endeavour to get rid of those uncouth manners I am so much possessed of, but all to no purpose; I determined to visit the metropolis, in which I now reside, and after settled sixteen or seventeen years, was liberally encouraged by numerous friends, as a knight of the comb, or more vulgarly speaking a hair dresser; but now I have changed profession, by which means I have the honour of being visited by people of the first rank and fortune, both ladies and gentlemen. For the honor of the family I applied to the herald's office, and on paying two-shillings and six-pence, I was informed I had no arms: since that time my body is obliged to my legs for supporters. When you reflect on my origin, and uncouth manners, you will hardly think how much my company is courted by respectable families, especially those who have country seats near town; from these gentlemen I have received familiar calls, and the most pressing invitations, and though I wished to accept their proffered friendship I have repeatedly excused myself by pleading the hurry of business, which often times was the case; but the truth is, when I have set out with full intention to return their several visits, my heart has failed me as I approached their gates; and I have frequently returned homeward resolving to try again to-morrow. However I at length determined to conquer my timidity, and a few days ago accepted of an invitation with one whose open easy manner left me on room to doubt of a cordial welcome. It was Sir Thomas Friendly, a Baronet, who lives at Friendly Hall, possessed of an independent fortune. Conscious of my unpolished gait, I have for some time past taken private lessons of a professor, who teaches grown gentlemen to dance. Having now acquired the art of walking without tottering, I boldly ventured to obey the Baronet's invitation to a family dinner, not doubting but my new acquirements would enable me to see the ladies and Sir Thomas with tolerable intrepidity; but alas, how vain are all the hopes of theory when unsupported by habitual practice! As I approached the house a dinner bell alarmed my fears least I have spoiled the dinner by want of punctuality. Impressed by this idea I blushed the deepest crimson, and as my name was repeatedly announced by the several livery servants who ushered me into the library, hardly knowing what or whom I saw. At my first entrance, I summoned all my fortitude and made my new learned bow to Lady Friendly, but unfortunately in bringing my left foot to the third position, I trod upon the gouty toe of poor Sir Thomas, who had followed close at my heals to be the nomenclator of the family; the confusion this occasioned in me is hardly to be conceived, since none but bashful men can judge of my distress, and of that description I believe the number is very small. The Baronet's politeness by degrees dissipated my concern, and I was astonished to see how far good breeding could enable him to suppress his feelings, and appear with perfect ease after so painful an accident. The cheerfulness of her Ladyship and the familiar chat of the young ladies, insensibly led me to throw off my reserve and self pity till at length I ventured to join in conversation and even to start fresh subjects: the library being so richly furnished with books in elegant bindings, I conceived Sir Thomas to be a man of literature, and ventured to give my opinion concerning the several editions of the Greek classics, in which the Baronet's opinion exactly coincided with my own. To this subject I was led by observing an edition of Xenophon in sixteen volumes, which as I had never before heard of such a thing greatly excited my curiosity, and I rose(?) up to examine what it could be; Sir Thomas saw what I was about, and as I suppose, willing to save me the trouble, rose to take the book, which made me more eager to prevent him, and hastily laying my hand on the first volume, I pulled it forcibly; but lo! instead of books, a board, which by leather and gilding had been made to look like sixteen volumes came tumbling down, and unlikely pitched upon a Wedgewood inkstand on the table under it: in vain did Sir Thomas assure me there was no harm; I saw the ink streaming from an inlaid table on the Turkey carpet, and scarce knowing what I did, attempted stop its progress with my cambrick handkerchief. In the height of this confusion we were informed that dinner was served up, and I with joy perceived that the bell, which at first alarmed my fears, was only the half hour dinner bell. In walking through the hall and suite of apartments to the dining room, I had time to collect my scattered senses, and was desired to take my seat betwixt Lady Friendly and her eldest daughter at the table. Since the fall of the wooden Xenophon my face had been continually burning like a fire-brand, and I was just beginning to recover myself, and feel comfortably good, when an unlooked for accident rekindled all my heat, and I blushed. Having set my plate of soup too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Miss Dinah, who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat. I tumbled the whole scalding contents into my lap. In spite of an immediate supply of napkins to wipe the surface of my apparel, my black silk small cloaths were not stout enough to save me from the painful effect of the sudden tormention, and for some minutes my legs and thighs seemed stewing in a boiling cauldron; but recollecting how Sir Thomas had disguised his torture when I trod upon his toe, I firmly bore my pain in silence, and sat with my lower extremities parboiled amidst the stifled giggling of the ladies and the servants. I will not relate the several blunders which I made during the first course, or the distress occasioned by my being defited (designated ?) To carve a fowl, or help to various dishes that stood near me, spilling a sauce boat and knocking down a salt seller, rather let me hasten to the second course, where fresh disasters overwhelmed me quite. I had a piece of rich sweet pudding on my fork, when Miss Louisa Friendly begged to trouble me for a pigeon that stood near me; in my haste, scarce knowing what I did, I whipped the pudding into my mouth hot as a burning coal, it was impossible to conceal my agony, my eyes were starting from their sockets; at last, in spite of shame and resolution, I was obliged to drop the cause of torment on my plate. Sir Thomas and the ladies all compassioned my misfortune, and each advised a different application: one recommended oil, another water, but all agreed that wine was best for drawing out the fire, and a glass of sherry was brought me from the side-board, which I snatched up with eagerness; but oh, how shall I tell the sequel! Whether the butler aby some unaccountable accident mistook, or purposely designed to drive me mad, he gave me the strongest brandy,, with which I filled my mouth, already flead (?) and blistered. Totally unused to every kind of ardent spirits, with my tongue, throat, and palate, as raw as a beef � what could I do? I could not swallow; and clapping my hands upon my mouth the liquor squirted through my nose and fingers, like a fountain, over all the dishes, and I was crushed by burst of laughter from all quarters. In vain did Sir Thomas reprimand the servants, and Lady Friendly chide her daughters; for the measure of my shame, and their diversion, was not yet complete.
To relieve me from the intolerable state of perspiration which this accident had caused, without considering what I did, I wiped my face with that ill-fated handkerchief, which was still wet from the consequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered all my features with streaks of ink in every direction. The Baronet himself could not support this shock, but joined his Lady in the general laugh, while I sprung from the table in despair, rushed out of the house, and came home in agony of confusion and disgrace, which the most poignant sense of guilt could not have excited thus, without having deviated from the path of moral rectitude. ..."
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N. B.*
Had not GP been a person of modesty and refinement, he would have mentioned the further embarrassment that came about at the table and which led to his hasty departure from Sir Thomas' house. The following account is taken from notes penned on the side of correspondence of GP:
SJM,
Having recovered somewhat from the discomfort of the moment with the ink having been carefully removed from my forehead by the fair daughter of Sir Thomas and his Lady Friendly. I sat wondering what possibly could befall me next when I happened to glance down to my trousers, that finally were less wet than they had been before, and, what to my distress did I discover that with the vigorous blotting of the errant soup with the many napkins, somehow the buttons of my fly had become disengaged. I could never stand and so reveal the result of this disgraceful happen-chance, so while others were momentarily distracted by the bringing out of a massive bowl of berries to be served with rich fresh country cream, I carefully rebuttoned the opening, secretively feeling my way, hoping that no one would be aware of my activities and discomfort. I did notice the daughter, eldest, glancing toward me and granting me a most seeming smile and knowing look, as I completed my mission. Peace had returned to the table and I must report that all, including myself, after holding our sides in pain, until the roll of laughter had ended from our making light of the comedy of events that had transpired, prepared to feast upon the berries of the season which were to be enjoyed with a glass of the finest sherry. The Baronet rose and made a toast to my success in business and it became apparent that I must return my host's salutary remarks with a toast in kind. And while I was at a loss for words at first, with the approbation of his two most comely daughters, I rose from my chair and stepped back to begin my salute; only to discover that I had somehow buttoned the fine linen cloth into my fly. As I withdrew from the table's edge, the cloth followed me as an obedient servant and all that was upon it; fine china, silver, crystal, berries, cream and all, crashed to the floor with such a commotion that the kitchen dogs, disturbed from their sleep, rushed through the dining hall and through the open doorway to the street; barking and yelping. I followed; the cloth still firmly attached and waving not unlike her Majesty's colors, as I rushed homeward, preceded by the baying hounds. Alas, I found myself caught up in a procession of the town's most pious Episcopalians as they made their way to the Church in celebration of an Easter service. And it was only by their parting of their ways was I able to escape and find myself at the sign of the Goldfinches' Nest over the doorway of 16 Grace-church Street.
And now the story as related in the earlier public version continues with Mr. Packwood seeking solace for his many painful conditions. To wit,
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"I am suffering in torment, the lower part of me has been almost boiled, my tongue and mouth grilled, and I bear the mark of Cain upon my forehead; yet these are but trifling considerations to the everlasting shame which I must feel on the occasion: they will spare a bashful man, and as I am just informed my poultice is ready, the application of which being applied too hot, I was relieved from my difficulties, for, after two or three hours nap in my easy chair, I awoke from the vision of a dream, and found myself in the midst of my warehouse, famed for Razor Strops, &c. at No. 16 Gracechurch-Street, London.
I am respectfully your's, &c.
GEORGE PACKWOOD."
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As amended by J. Sidi Mahtrow, gent.
The original is to be found in Packwood's Goldfinch Nest, July 23 1796.
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