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April 1, 2001
The editor emailed all her writers that they were to immediately stop using first person singular in their articles as it was not professional and suggested immaturity.
Of course writers, being an independent lot and not unlike the White House gang who removed all the letter "W" from the key pads of the newbies, were incensed that their purview of proper style was being infringed upon, took it as a warning shot across the bow and pledged to show the uppity editor a thing or two.
One of them composed the following:
"$ $ns$st $'m w$th$n my $deolog$cal r$ght $n $mput$ng an "$" $f $ l$ke. $t $s an $nsult to $mply $ $ncorrectly $nsert "$" $n my wr$t$ng as $nfant$le and self centered. $n compos$ng an art$cle of $nord$nate $nterest to the publ$c and to certa$n soc$etal bod$es $n part$cular, $t $s requ$s$te to exh$b$t that $ have $nputted an $mmense quant$ty of to$l and $ have def$n$te op$n$ons to procla$m. Add$t$onally, $ $ntend to shape the understand$ng of the paper's readersh$p so they can when elect$on t$me arr$ves, vote w$th $ntell$gence. Not only that, but $f $ can $nsp$re add$t$onal part$c$pat$on $n the elect$on process and $ncrease voter turnout, those $n off$ce w$ll be cast as$de and a pr$st$ne, $mproved, more representat$ve group of off$c$als w$ll be $nvested w$th dec$s$on mak$ng author$ty. No more w$ll prec$ous mon$es be d$ss$pated on such $mprov$dent act$v$t$es as br$dges too h$gh, ma$nta$n$ng prov$s$onal bu$ld$ngs rather than bu$ld$ng substant$al ed$f$ces that w$ll stand the tr$al of t$me, correct$ng pollut$on $ssues, &c."
The story would have remained untold except that this was the time of year when national, state and local budgets were being debated and approved. The self-same editor mentioned before, insisted that front page stories be chosen that emphasized how money is to be spent. When our feature writer sent her diatribe to the editor, little did she know that it would inadvertently find its way into the composing room. Workers there work on a tight time-line and when the "article" appeared on their desk, it was sure that it must appear on the front page as none other had such a heavy emphasis on the dollar.
The presses rolled and early morning delivery assured that all in the fair city would have their copy (Including our editor who always admires her work over a cup of early morning coffee.) And of course, far distant editors of other papers got the article in time for their morning editions as well. Not a few ran the article without the foggiest idea of what it said, since through the marvels of electronics, composing need not have a human influence.
The story has a happy ending. It's all false; it being a parody of one written by Edgar Allen Poe, one hundred and fifty years ago entitled, X-ing a Paragrab.
To tweak the editor, the writer had replaced all the offending "I" letters with the benefit of the word processing program with the $ symbol. This is the product of her prose.
"I insist I'm within my ideological right in imputing an "I" if I like. It is an insult to imply I incorrectly insert "I" in my writing as infantile and self centered. In composing an article of inordinate interest to the public and to certain societal bodies in particular, it is requisite to exhibit that I have inputted an immense quantity of toil and I have definite opinions to proclaim. Additionally, I intend to shape the understanding of the paper's readership so they can when election time arrives, vote with intelligence. Not only that, but if I can inspire additional participation in the election process and increase voter turnout, those in office will be cast aside and a pristine, improved, more representative group of officials will be invested with decision making authority. No more will precious monies be dissipated on such improvident activities as bridges too high, maintaining provisional buildings rather than building substantial edifices that will stand the trial of time, correcting pollution issues, &c."
On the Internet use the LookSmart engine and enter X-ing to view Poe's original composition.
joew
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