3/18/02
Perseus and Medusa
Zeus: Woah, I'm cornugenu.
Narrator: Zeus then proceeded to become gold rain and fall through the hole in the roof, impregnating Danae. (jquantumr and Josh throw pennies at Danae). Nine months later Perseus was born. (Shows Danae holding a doll with Mr. Hansonbrook's face).
Acrisius: Wow, that baby's ugly.
Danae(to baby): Awww, you look just like your grandma.
Narrator: Danae had a little bit of trouble figuring out which god was the father, but eventually, she figured out it was Zeus.
Danae: I guess the dad is Zeus.
Acrisius: (Bursts into Danae's tower). Who's the father of your baby? How could anyone have gotten you pregnant in a room with no doors?
Danae(sarcastically) : I dunno dad. Maybe they just fell through the roof in a rain of gold.
Acrisius: Don't be fresh with me, young lady!
Danae: Your just jealous that I can get a god and you can't.
Acrisius: I'm not jealous. I have your mom! (shows picture of Mr. Hansonbrook) With such insolence, young lady, I'll put you in a box and send you out into the ocean.
Danae: Fine, if it'll get me away from my ugly mom
Narrator: So Acrisius locked Danae and her son in a box and sent them out in the ocean. A fisherman named Dicte found them. He was surprised to find a baby and a beautiful woman in a box.
Dicte: I'm surprised to find a baby and a beautiful woman in a box.
Danae: I'm surprised to find another ugly man out of a box.
Narrator: Perseus grew up and matured into a ����(long pause - stops and thinks for a second) person. Of course, you could argue that he was a person to begin with, but that doesn't stop him from continuing to be a person. An evil king, Polydictes, ruled the island on which Perseus and his mother were living. He grew affectionate for Danae and decided to do away with Perseus. He planned an innocent looking scheme to kill Perseus.
Polydictes (Sounding ghetto): Dude, I'm gonna kill Perseus at my party tonight with my homie G's yo.
Perseus: Hello Polydictes. I am very sorry that I do not have a gift for you.
Polydictes: Hey dog, you better get dat gift fo me yo or I'm gonna kill you, aighit.
Perseus: I'm going to give you the best gift of all. Whadya want?
Polydictes: I'm not asking for a lot, all I want is the head of Medusa.
Perseus: Oh, ok. Bye. (walks out of the room).
Narrator: Perseus prayed to Minerva.
Perseus: I am praying to Minerva. (Minerva and Hermes come).
Minerva: Hi, am I late? I came as soon as I heard your prayers. I brought Hermes as long also.
Hermes: Yo.
Minerva: To help you with you divine task I consecrate you with this holy shield.
Hermes: Yeah and I give you this, (looks over his sword) uh, toaster oven. No, it's a sword. (hands it to Perseus.)
Athena: Proceed on your divine task to slay the Gorgon Medusa. Go to the home of the gray sisters. They shall reveal Medusa's lair to you.
Hermes: Yeah, man. They are really smart. They know everything.
Perseus: Ok. I will. (They depart).
-At the Grey Sisters' home-
Narrator: Perseus stands nearby the sisters and observes them.
Perseus: Woah, I'm observing these sisters here. You know, they only have one eye and one tooth between them. What if I steal it? (runs up and snatches the eye from them) Ha ha! I have your eye! Tell me were Medusa's lair is and I will consider giving it back.
Sister One: Ok! Ok! We'll tell you! But you don't need to be so violent! She is in some cave by Thermopolis! Could we have our eye back now?
Perseus: Not unless you give me that invisibility helmet.
Sister two: Do you know how much that's worth! I could buy Mont Parnessse, I mean Vesuvius with it!
Sister one: FINE! Take it! (Perseus takes helmet). We don't need it anyway! Now could we have it back?
Perseus: Sure. (He gives it back).
Sisters: Now go! (Perseus leaves).
Narrator: Perseus now returned to his Noble quest. He knew where Medusa was, had an invisibility helmet, and sword and shield of the gods. He flew around the world looking for Medusa.
Perseus: I am flying around the world looking for Medusa. I wonder if she's anywhere near all those statues of men with terrified faces? Nah! Ooh look, he looks familiar.
Narrator: Perseus flew down to look at the statue, and saw Medusa sleeping. He was surprised.
Perseus: I am surprised. I guess this was the right place after all. I am going to kill Medusa.
Medusa: Who's gonna kill me?
Perseus: It is I, Ralph Latin
Medusa: That's fine. He can't even make up an intelligible language, how would he be able to kill me?
Perseus: You're a jerk.
Medusa: Oh, listening to Mr. Hansonbrook, eh? I guess I'll go to sleep like I do in his class.
Perseus: Hey! Don't insult my favorite teacher like that!
Medusa: (Snores)
Perseus: You'll die for that! Not only will I kill you for my quest, but I will also kill you for insulting the best teacher ever to give a bunch of eighth grade Latin student at Edgemont High School an assignment to make scripts about the Greek Myths! (Perseus stabs Medusa. Medusa falls to the ground, knocking off mask.)
Medusa: Oh No, my mask!!!!!!! (rushes to put mask back on)
Perseus: why won't you die? (stabs medusa again)
Gorgon(s): Ding Dong the witch is dead
Narrator: Perseus flew homeward. He stopped to rest in the realm of King Atlas. He turned him into stone. He then flew to the land of the AEthiopians and saw the princess, Andromeda, tied to a cliff. Next to her was a sea monster. Perseus wondered what he should do.
Perseus: I wonder what I should do. (calls to Andromeda) Do you want help?
Andromeda: YES!!
Perseus: What? I can't hear you!
Andromeda: I said yes!!!!!!!!!!!
Perseus: What? Speak louder. I still can't hear you.
Andromeda: YES!!!!
Perseus: I guess you think you can take that guy on. Good-bye. (Starts to walk off).
Andromeda: Come back here! Save me!
Perseus: Oh, ok.
Narrator: Perseus flew to Andromeda, rescued her, and married her. He then flew back to Polydictes' castle carrying the head of Medusa.
Perseus: I am going into the castle carrying the head of Medusa. Here Polydictes, have a head. (Throws head to Polydictes. Polydictes and Acrisius hold up signs saying "I am turned to stone"). Oops, I guess I shouldn't have done that. (Puts head back in the bag).
Narrator: And that concludes the traditional story known until now. Now to the real ending.
Perseus: You know what, I'm sort of dissatisfied with Andromeda. I think I'll start seeing other women. (Pulls head back out of bag and looks at it. Holds up a sign saying "I am turned to stone")
Narrator: The end.