Seeking the Grimace
By: Jason Sinkhorn
On an unusually warm night in late September, I began to think back to my childhood. I remembered toys I had played with from cartoons I watched. G.I. Joe, Transformers, Voltron, He-Man, Thundercats were all my favorites. They have since been re-released. He-Man unfortunately has turned into a boy band reject and Skeletor looks like the shrunken head in Ripley's Believe It or Not. I remembered my best friend and I would pretend to be all of our favorite characters to defeat the forces of evil which always seem to threaten the sanctity of my 2 acre backyard. Our headquarters, aka my playhouse, had the perfect look-out window, which sometimes doubled as a drive thru window if my sister and cousin were playing in there at the same time we were. An army of enemies would storm our super headquarters in an effort to defeat us and order a milkshake and fries. My friend, Chris, and I would always serve ourselves up as a sacrifice to save the drive-thru girls, but actually have a sneaky plan ready to defeat the bumbling foes outside. We would both pull our machine guns and in a blaze of imaginary glory, begin making the sound that signalled the onslaught of our make believe extreme predjudice. For some reason, Chris's machine gun sounded different from mine. Mine was a repeated tongue clicking sound while his sounded more like a down syndrome kid laughing while choking on a Hot Wheels Mean Machine. None of this mattered, however, as we laid to waste 200-300 imaginary ninja guerilla war soldiers from the seventh circle of hell fighting for evil purposes. They were the bad guys. Why you ask? I don't know. They just were, okay.
After an exhausting battle, that included climbing trees to be a smiper, running from mutated dinosaurs, and saving our imaginary damsels-in-distress, we would always go back to our secret hideout, usually mine or his bedroom, and play with action figures that resembled our pretend likenesses from earlier that day. In the middle of our miniature identity crisis, my mom or his grandma would bring us a mid-battle snack to eat while we watched 'toons and played with our action figures.
One day we got a special treat. My mom asked Chris and I if we wanted to go to McDonald's to get a Happy Meal. She knew there was a toy in there that we both wanted. My mom always paid attention to cool details like that. Anyway, we were excited and of course said we would like to go. Even though, to this day, McNuggets are all I will eat from there. MceeDees was a special treat though because we lived about 20 minutes from a town and 45 minutes from a city (Not city as in Boston or Chicago, but city as in they had a Wal-Mart).
Upon arriving at McDonald's we were welcomed by statues of Ronald and his pals. There was Mayor McCheese, Birdie, the always effervescent Fry Guys, and two more. Number one- the Hamburglar. The infamous goof who always attempted to get away with Grand Theft CrapFood by stealing a plate full of pittilly meat sandwiches. He obviously failed, otherwise he would've have been a big fat tub of crap by now. What always bewildered me is how this guy got away with attempted robbery so often, but I got in trouble when I forgot to pay for a nickel piece of Bazooka Joe bubble gum.
And of course, the other character. The one and only, The Grimace. Upon seeing The Grimace my mind filled with questions that still make my mind wonder. Who was The Grimace? What is his purpose? What makes him such a good friend? Why is he shaped like an oblong piece of fish I used to get from the Schwan's man on Wednesday? And purple? Why the purple? Was his goofy, dopey, laugh his way of hiding or repressing something? Was he secretly running the McDonaldland underworld? Was he the inspiration for the intolerable Barney jerk on kids television? What is The Grimace? He was always happy too. To always be so happy, one would have to be physically, emotionally, and mentally invincible. In other words, nothing could stop The Grimace. Why did God bestow such a priviledge on such an oddball restaurant kiddie entity known as The Grimace. Whose name is just ironic as he is The Grimace but always smiles. So from that day on I decided to be like The Grimace, only without the purple fatness and dopey disposition. As a boy who hated being vulnerable, for example, I never took a hit while one of my imaginary battles went on, I took it on myself to become The Grimace's equal. No. NO. Superior to The Grimace. A better, faster, more agile, and intelligent Grimace. Like the Six Million Dollar Man version of The Grimace. The Grimace 5.0. I would be totally, in all senses of the word, indestructible and untouchable. Emotionally, physically, and mentally, no one could touch Me.
When we made it home from McDonald's I began writing out my strategy. Forsaking my cool superhero toy car that shot out of it's launcher and did a wheelie that I had just got from my "Happy" meal. My transformation had begun. Buddha had enlightenment, Thoreau had Walden, and I, Jason, had the ultimate...The Grimace.
I began the next day with a sense of pride in myself and my few accomplishments. I was already a great dependable friend, so I marked that off my list. I was already good natured and well humored so I marked that off as well.
I figured the reason the Grimace could be physically indestructible was from his oversized purple foamed over midsection. I decided as a human, who did not know what species Grimace was, I would have to reach the human equivalent of Grimace's physical prowess. I rode my bike everywhere. I ran, did sit-ups, push-ups, ate push-ups (those ice cream ones that the Schwan's man brought on Wednesdays too). I was in the best shape you could imagine for a boy of my age. I disciplined myself to where, if I ever did have an accident, like cutting my leg after a bike wreck, I would, instead of crying, smile, give a goofy laugh and get back up for more training. By age ten I was well on my way to being the youngest person with his own self-help discipline. By age 18 I had wrote of my journey to Grimacability in a self-help book I titled "A Grimace of Happiness". I pointed out all of the good qualities one should achieve, and the self-awareness and pride one must have in themselves no matter what their condition in life. You're only as sad, angry, happy, content, or scared as you allow yourself to be.
I was a warrior. I was a friend. I was a humorous individual. I believed in myself throughout hardships. I still do. I have achieved the title of the human Grimace...5.0. I found my inner Grimace, now you have to decide if you want to as well.