Drunk Guy: Hey Bart, toss me a strong one man.  That last one was a little bit flat. 

Will: For the last time my name is not Bart.  It is William Bartholomew the third.  Here's your "strong one" (aside, all freeze) I had put some more nitrocyllic acid in his drink.  I have tried unsuccessfully to end this poor man's life for the past three weeks.  Maybe this time I will succeed. (Goes back to bar, all start where left off)

(Dixie enters)

Dixie: Hi there William.  How's things goin' today?  That drunk guy givin' ya hard times baby?

Will: He lives to annoy me.  How are you love?

Dixie: I'm just fine babe. 

(couple enters)

Will: Good evening.  What may I get for you this fine night?

Eddie: We'll just have us a coupla beers.  You wouldn't happen to have any rooms up in that there loft would ya?

Darlene: We's just been married.  We need us a honeymoon suite.

(Will is annoyed but not disgusted yet)

Will: Yes we do have a fine "loft" as you call it.  Congratulations.

Eddie: Why thank ya missir (mister) It was a beautiful ceremony.  My Uncle Ron gave her away, well I guess it's dad Ron now right honey.

Darlene: Yep.  (back to Will) My dad, well Eddie's uncle, had on this crazy red suit that looked like a bloody deer mangled in a Mack truck. 

Will: (Now he's completely sick of these people) Well that's just a lovely image indeed.  Here's your drinks.  (aside, all freeze) I decided these sick people were the kind my father came over from England to try and change into gentlemen and ladies.  They obviously didn't meet him in time.  I'll just off them too.  My late father will be proud that I am ridding the earth of these incestuous ingrates.  (goes back, all normal)   

DG: Hey Bart, get on that drink man!

Will: I already gave it to you fool.  Here.  (slides him another one) There's a refill. 

DG: Hey, you're one of them there psy-kicks ain't cha?  I tell ya what I called her up one day and she…'scuse me(runs off toward restroom)

Darlene: Sir, this drink's tying me up.  You got a restroom here?

Dixie: Just follow the drunk guy sweetie.  (Darlene leaves.  Dixie begins to seduce Eddie Bob)  Hey sweetie.  You look mighty…sweet.  Tell ya what.  If your old lady there ever gets to old on ya, you can give me a holler.  I bet your just a Casanova aren't ya?

Will: (aside, all freeze) I may be English, but I am not stupid.  I have finally figured out that Dixie, the one person I thought I loved in this forsaken hole, was actually a tramp, a slut, a street-walker, a whore!  I am rather surprised she used such a large word like Casanova, however I will not stand for this betrayal. (steps back, normal)

Drunk: (offstage) MOM!  I'M DONE!!

(Will and Dixie look at each other and shrug him off)

Dixie: Well baby? Whaddya say?

EB: I best to go find out if Darlene's feelin' okay. 

Dixie:  Hmmph.  So Will honey, how bout a margarita?

Will: Oh I don't think you should be drinking right now.

Dixie:  What?  You run a bar.  I've only had half a beer sweetie.  I'm not even tipsy yet.

Will:  God won't appreciate a drunken angel.  (aside, she freezes) I tried to be sweet in my death warning.  She didn't pick it up.  I didn't think she would.  It saddens me to do this to her, but there is obviously no other way to get her out of this hillbilly whore phase she's in.  This sleeping pill will put her under so she doesn't feel any pain. It is the least I can do. (goes back, unfreeze) Here, try this.

Dixie: What is it?  Smells like a dead possum pretzel. 

Will: I assure you it is not.  Eat up.  (She eats it)  Now my dear Dixie, sleep.

(She passes out, he casually holds his hands over her until she suffocates)

DG: Hey Bart.  That was one mean drink.  You wanna fix me up another'un? 

Will: It would be my pleasure you pitiful drunk…(continues to mumble, gets drink, couple enters)

Eddie: Hey there missir, you got the key to that loft up there?  We's gonna turn in.

Darlene: Yeah, ain't neither one of us feeling that good.  Hey what's wrong with Dixie. 

Will: I believe she is tired.  She has a very active life.  We should not disturb her.

(Darlene falls over dead)

Eddie: I think Darlene here had a long day too.  She done right fell asleep on the floor.  (He picks her up) You got that key missir.  We'll be getting out your way. 

Will: Yes, here you go good sir.  Have a lovely evening.  (tosses the key, Eddie drops Darlene to catch it) 

Eddie: Oops.  Well I'll be.  She slept through all that.

Will: Yes amazing isn't it. 

Drunk: Hey I remember a time when I was little and my paw he made me take a bath with my aunt Phyllis and she ended up being my brother's wife.  I told my brother I took a bath with his wife and he liked to killed me that day, I tell ya what. 

Will: If I give you another drink will it pacify your meanderings?

Drunk: Uh…excuse me a second.  (as he's running off) Fix that there weird drink ya make. 

Eddie: I guess we'll turn in.  See ya in the morning.

Will: Oh I don't know about that. 

Eddie:  (begins to pick her up, but falls over on top of her) 

Will: Well I guess that's as close to a wedding night as he is going to get. 

(Drunk enters)

DG (looking off-stage) I don't remember eatin' that.  (notices couple on floor) Sweet soy beans of Pete!  Couldn't you people wait till ya got to the loft.  Your getting me all excited, now.  I need a drink.

Will: (aside, drunk freezes) I was sick of this man.  I wanted to poison him so it would look as if he drank him self to death, but now I just don't care. (back to normal, he pulls gun from behind the bar, shoots, drunk falls, Will steps out) There.  He won't be running to the bathroom to get rid of that one.

(Will begins dragging the bodies out while he sings "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" by John Denver) 

THE END