Title: Ochite Yuku (5)
Author: Scarlet Kozi
Genre: Drama, romance
Band: Dir en grey
Rating: R
Comments: I don't really have much to say, but please read this and be sure to comment when you're done with it. The last chapter is coming soon.
Shinya was getting lost in the crowd. His eyes were on the pavement of the street, racing over the white-painted lines in their crooked patterns tracing the crosswalk, as he rushed over it in the flood of people. His mind, however, was on something else. There was a bag in his arms full of the things he had picked up from the store for Kaoru's house---groceries and food products and the like... along with a bag stuffed in there from the pharmacy.
Kaoru was usually too tired to leave the house these days, and Shinya would always go to get his medication for him. The doctor had increased his dosage, and now he had to take the pills three times a day, rather than twice.
"I'm fine, Shinya," Kaoru had assured that morning, though his eyes were dull and the smile didn't reach them. "I'll watch Aki-chan while you're gone."
Shinya almost smirked. Kaoru loved Akihito, but he had no clue how to take care of children. Once, Shinya had spent several hours away from the house like today, and when he had returned, Kaoru and Akihito had somehow managed to trash the living room with toys and books. All Kaoru had offered as an excuse was a sheepish smile. But Shinya hadn't been annoyed. Seeing Kaoru like that, so happy with his son, was more than enough to help make the act of cleaning up the mess worthwhile.
Shinya sighed to himself, stepping back onto the sidewalk as a taxi narrowly missed him by a few inches. Silently he told himself to pay more attention or he would get run over before he made it to the train station.
Suddenly, someone knocked into him.
Even as he stumbled, Shinya's immediate panic was brought on by worrying for the bag. He clutched at it, making sure that none of its contents---especially Kaoru's pills---spilled out, and then caught his balance, still a bit wavery, against the side of a building. The person who had knocked into him approached worriedly, peering at him.
"I'm so sorry, miss! Are you all right?"
Shinya wasn't entirely surprised that the man thought him a woman. After all, he was dressed in a girlish manner again today, and he had combed his long hair and left it down, with his face lightly made up. He assumed that being Kaoru's mistress for so long, and then practically taking on the role of his wife and the mother of his child, was part of what had drove him to this. Otherwise he would probably still be wearing jeans and slacks all the time. It wasn't as though dressing this way was not his choice, however. He enjoyed it well enough.
Slowly, Shinya looked up, putting on a little reassuring smile. "Yes, I'm fine... I'm sorry, it was my fault. I wasn't looking where I was going."
There was a momentary pause of shock, and Shinya realized with a flush on his face that his male voice was probably setting a few things straight on its own in the stranger's head. The young man standing there, slender and attractive, was looking at him perhaps in a new light now, blinking quickly. Shinya looked him over, inwardly feeling nervous and wondering whether he shouldn't have spoken. The stranger had a youthful, handsome face and reddish hair that gleamed under the city sun. However, the look of surprise soon dwindled into a sudden smile. "Ano, sorry about that. I mistook you for..." He stopped. "Why are you in such a rush?"
Shinya cleared his throat lightly, blinking. "No rush, really... I don't know why I was hurrying."
The stranger only nodded a little bit, continuing to gaze directly at his face as though observing him thoughtfully. Shinya almost looked away, for some reason feeling embarrassed, or self-conscious, perhaps even ashamed under the power of his eyes. But just when he was about to make an excuse so that he could leave, the young man held out his hand suddenly.
"I should introduce myself... My name is Ando Daisuke. Hajime mashite."
Hurriedly Shinya moved the weight of the bag to one arm and managed to stick out his other hand, and shake Daisuke's with it. "Terachi Shinya desu. Hajime mashite."
Daisuke smiled, and flicked some hair out of his eyes. "This might seem a bit forward, but would you like to go out for coffee with me sometime?"
Shinya looked up at him suddenly. Of all things, he hadn't expected to be asked out on a date. Soon enough he felt a deep sense of guilt overtake his surprise. After all, now was a time when he had to be faithful to Kaoru---stand by him, and take care of him. He couldn't be out spending time with other people... He'd never even had the interest to, ever since he and Kaoru had met. But... at the same time...
"I... I shouldn't." Shinya smiled. "But thank you."
"Shouldn't?" Daisuke blinked. "Why not? Are you seeing someone?"
"W-Well..."
"Oh, I see." There was a brief pause, but Daisuke's smile returned, even if it looked a bit softer than before. "I'd still like to see you. Just as friends, if you want."
Shinya furrowed his brows, but nodded. "All right." The idea began to appeal to him, for some strange reason. It might be good, he supposed, to have a friend outside of home. He'd never had that many friends to begin with, and for the last couple of years, his life had been solely dedicated to Kaoru... and more recently, Akihito also. He loved both of them, but locking himself up in a house with them all the time would have been stealing away his own life. There could be time, he told himself, where he could get out occasionally...
Daisuke glanced up over Shinya's head, at the sign of the building behind him, and seemed to think of something. "Here, I have an idea. Meet me at this cafe on Thursday, okay? How is noon for you?"
"Fine." Shinya nodded, as the words sank into his brain rapidly. He turned and looked up, following the direction of Daisuke's eyes, and realized that there was a cafe behind him. He hadn't even noticed.
"Great. Can I have your number, just in case I need to call?"
"Sure..." Shinya rummaged through his pocket, and came out with a spare namecard. He'd never really used them, or given them out to people, but he still had a few that he hadn't thrown away. He felt lucky all of a sudden that there was one in his pocket to give.
"Thanks." Daisuke smiled and took the card, then touched his arm. "I'll see you then. Maybe we could get to know each other better."
"Un."
*
Shinya drummed his fingernails impatiently on the hard surface of the table, crossing one leg over the other beneath it. His eyes shifted away from his hands and looked out the window of the cafe, at all the people passing by. Then he checked his watch. Daisuke was late... but only by a few minutes. Shinya had been early anyway, arriving at least ten minutes before noon. He was growing nervous that the people around him, a few of whom were casting glances in his direction, had sensed something odd about his skirt and powdered face.
Half of him had tried to convince himself not to come. He shouldn't be here, he'd said in his mind again and again, and it wasn't right to be doing this when at home, Kaoru could have needed him. Kaoru was doing all right---occasionally he would grow dizzy and Shinya would have to catch him, or he would be close to tears from the pain of his headaches. But he would be fine for an hour or two without Shinya.
Hopefully.
Finally Daisuke arrived, dressed nicely in black pants and a dark red sweater, immediately grinning in Shinya's direction the moment he walked into the cafe. He seemed to be informing the waitress that he had come to meet someone, and she brought him over to Shinya's table and sat him down, handing him a menu.
"Arigato," he said to her, smiling.
She blushed a little and nodded, then hurried off.
Daisuke settled himself in and then looked up at Shinya over his menu, his smile widening. "Sorry I'm late... I had sort of a delayed start this morning."
"That's fine." Shinya smiled, then wondered at himself. It was very unlike him to be smiling at people who were strangers, or near strangers, for that matter. There was something about Daisuke that he liked, of course---a certain warmth that in most others he would find annoying, that he would usually avoid. He wasn't entirely sure why he was here at all, but at least he knew that it hadn't been an entirely wrongful decision. He was being faithful, after all. This was having coffee just as friends.
The waitress returned soon and they both ordered a cup of coffee. Daisuke, who hadn't eaten breakfast, also requested some pastries, and when their order arrived, he spent a minute and a half trying to convince Shinya to eat one too. Finally, Shinya gave in.
"So tell me about him." Daisuke took a sip of coffee.
"What?" Shinya looked up sharply, startled.
Daisuke watched him for a moment, not having expected that reaction, before setting down his coffee cup. "Or her," he added then, unsurely.
Shinya was silent, as it began to make sense in his mind. Abruptly his cheeks began to flush and he looked down, so that a few strands of long golden hair fell down to hide them. "No, it's 'him'," he mumbled, aghast at himself, wondering why he was even going so far as to talk about this at all.
Daisuke smiled and nodded. "I thought so."
'What's that supposed to mean?'
"So? Aren't you going to tell me what kind of a person he is? What he looks like? How you met? I'm curious."
"Y-You are?"
Daisuke nodded again. "Enlighten me." He took a large bite out of another pastry and watched Shinya expectantly.
Shinya felt slightly put on the spot, and fidgeted uncomfortably. His first instinct was to snap at Daisuke, in typical Shinya fashion, to keep his nose in his own business, and to ask what kind of "friend" he was supposed to be by asking these sorts of questions. But he realized a moment later that he wasn't really angry. He was at a point where thinking of Kaoru made him sad, rather than upset. Slowly, he lowered his eyes. Suddenly talking to Daisuke seemed like a good thing, a very good thing... an opportunity for him to finally relieve himself of some of the tense grief that was placing such a pressure on his heart, the grief that he could never speak about...
"Ano... Where do you want me to begin?" he asked quietly.
Daisuke seemed to sense a change in him, and he swallowed the bite quickly, wiping his mouth with a napkin before even speaking. "Wherever you want." He paused, and then said, as an afterthought, "What's he like?"
"He's... serious." That was the first thing that came to Shinya's mind. "But he's very funny when he wants to be. It depends on his mood. Although he looks intimidating... almost frightening sometimes... he's very kind-hearted, and just... very sweet." He swallowed. "He's a few years older than me, too. But not too much taller---shorter than you, for certain. He's skinny, but very handsome."
Daisuke listened to all of this attentively, and nodded, still watching Shinya in that strange observant way. "And what's his name?"
Shinya hesitated. "Kaoru... Niikura Kaoru. Why? Does it sound familiar?"
"No." Daisuke shook his head, and shrugged. "I was just curious. So how did you meet him?"
Once again, Shinya wasn't sure what to say. But once he got started, the words began pouring out of him, and he started to feel as though he was fervently scribbling all of his thoughts, his memories, his emotions, into a diary, and not saying them rapidly and softly to an actual person, who was sitting across the table and looking at him. He began with the night at the club, when he had been so close to poverty, and continued with his inner struggle as being a married man's mistress---then the matter of Kaoru's divorce, from the woman who had wanted nothing to do with him or her home or even her own child. Of course, then there was the problem of Kaoru's illness...
By the time that Shinya was finished, Daisuke's eyes were wide and he was leaning forward over the table, his weight on his hands. "You mean... he doesn't have much time left?"
Shinya swallowed. "No." His voice was hoarse.
Slowly, Daisuke leaned back, absorbing this, and soon a little frown grew on his face. He looked up at Shinya, tilting his head. "Shouldn't he be in a hospital, then? Or a hospice, or something?"
Shinya looked up at him in shock. "No, I would never put him in a place like that! He... He wouldn't be happy there. He said that he wants to be with me, and with Akihito, for as long as he can." In one abrupt motion, he whisked the small pile of shreds of skin, which he had been ripping off of his fingers since the beginning of his monologue, off the table and onto the floor. "You just don't understand..."
"Maybe not." Daisuke watched him again, through red-tinted strands of hair. "But I think that it isn't fair for you to have to stay there... take care of him, and his son, like that..."
"...!"
"You're still so young. You have so many opportunities." Daisuke's eyes roved over him. "And it's only a matter of time until... he's gone." He said it politely, carefully, at least choosing a gentle manner of tact. "If you stay there right until the end, you'll only be more upset when that happens. The rest of your life will be ruined. I don't know, it's probably none of my business... I just think that you should get out there and live your life. After all, it's not your responsibility to take care of him."
Shinya stared at him wordlessly, on the verge of trembling. Much to his own surprise, he wasn't angry. He would have expected himself to be enraged at such a horrible, hurtful claim---and normally he would stand up and stalk out of the cafe without another word. But for some reason, the words were echoing in his mind.
'It's not your responsibility to take care of him...'
Daisuke didn't move. "Well...?"
"I..." He couldn't say anything else.
With a sigh, the other man shook his head. "When I first saw you, I thought you looked a little bit... cold, maybe. But from the way you've been talking about HIM, I can tell that you have a big heart. You really do care." He smiled a bit. "It's really sweet... that he means so much to you... but I think you should find someone who's able to love you back, who can keep loving you for as long as you'll love him. Years, maybe." He leaned forward. "You know?"
Shinya's eyes flicked up again, still wide. Slowly it was starting to make sense, the suggestions that Daisuke was making without speaking. He should have seen it in his eyes.
"Ano... Ando-san..."
"Daisuke."
"Daisuke..."
The man across from him smiled again, and shook his head a second time. "Don't worry. Just think about it, I guess." His coffee cup was empty by this point, and the dish of pastries also, save for a few crumbs. He cast a glance down at them, set some money on the table---enough to pay for Shinya's coffee, too---and then pushed his chair back, rising to his feet and slinging his jacket over his arm. "I'll call you soon, okay?" He smiled.
Shinya only nodded.
*
"Kaoru..." Shinya leaned his chin on Kaoru's shoulder.
"Mmm?" Kaoru roused from the point of half-sleep he had been in, and turned on his side. Shinya, laying right next to him, moved back slightly to give him room to do so, still gazing at him. Kaoru seemed to sense that something was wrong, and came more awake, moving the sheets down.
"I was just wondering," Shinya began, then moved closer. He slid his arms around Kaoru and burrowed against him, leaning his head against his chest, and wrapping one leg around one of Kaoru's beneath the blankets.
Although Kaoru responded to all the touches and pulled Shinya closer to him, his brows drew together and he looked through purplish-black hair at the downturned face against his chest. "Something's wrong... Are you worried about something? Talk to me."
Shinya swallowed, and paused. "I don't know how to phrase this."
"Just go ahead and say it." Kaoru smiled reassuringly at him.
"Well..." He bit his lip. "After..."
Instinctively, Kaoru was able to see where this conversation was going. "After I die."
Without meaning to, Shinya's breath rushed in, and he closed his eyes tightly. "Don't say that."
Kaoru's arms came around him tighter, holding him against him. "Why not?" he murmured into Shinya's hair, but his voice had grown quieter. "We both know it's going to happen... I'm sorry, it's just that I'm getting more and more used to it. In my head I think things like that all the time, but I shouldn't have said it to you."
"D-Daijoubu... Wakatta."
Kaoru kissed his forehead. "What were you going to say? After...?" he prompted.
"What will I do?" Suddenly Shinya could say it, although his eyes were still closed, and his hands rushed around Kaoru, locking themselves together behind his back. "When you're gone... what's going to happen to me? How am I going to live without you?" The words that Daisuke had said earlier still wouldn't leave his memory, no matter how hard he tried to block them out. "I'll feel so empty..."
"Start over."
"What?" Shinya opened his eyes abruptly.
Kaoru was looking down at him gently, giving a slight shrug of his shoulders. His face was thinner than it used to be, and his hair didn't have the same luster. But his eyes were the same. "I don't want you to be alone forever, Shinya. I know that... that you aren't going to want to find anyone, when I'm not with you anymore. But I would hate it if you wasted the rest of your life grieving for me."
"Wasted the rest of my life?" Shinya echoed, frowning suddenly. His chest felt tight, and not because of Kaoru's arms wrapped protectively around him---the older man's grip was hardly strong anymore. "I wouldn't be wasting it. You mean I shouldn't even miss you, when you're...?"
Kaoru shook his head quickly, and as though to appease Shinya, he stroked his hair lightly. "No, no, nothing like that. I certainly hope you WOULD miss me." He smiled a bit, but it faded a moment later. "I just mean that I want you to... find someone else. When you're ready."
Shinya closed his eyes again, deflating. "I could never find someone else."
"You say that now," Kaoru warned him. "But trust me... It'll be harder than you think to try to spend the rest of your life alone. You're pretty healthy---you'll probably live another fifty years at least. And fifty years all by yourself..." He trailed off, more serious than joking, but still with a slight lilt to his tone. "I know you're not suited for that kind of life, no matter what you want me to think."
Shinya smiled a little, but shook his head. "And... And what about Akihito?" Just thinking about the young boy, sleeping several rooms away, made his eyes sting with oncoming tears. "Without you, he won't have ANY parents..."
"Yes, he will."
"What?"
Kaoru touched his fingers to Shinya's chin, and tilted his face up. Out of curiosity, Shinya didn't resist, and accidentally showed his tear-filled eyes to Kaoru. The older man exhaled shortly, and then brushed the moisture away with his fingers, gently, but enough to cause Shinya's eyelashes to flutter. Then he leaned down and pressed his lips against Shinya's, just for a moment, their breath being exchanged between their mouths. Finally he pulled back, and gazed into Shinya's eyes again.
"Akihito is yours too, Shinya. When I'm gone... he'll always have you."
Choking down a sob, Shinya closed his eyes and buried his face in Kaoru's shoulder.
"Shh, shh... Daijoubu. You can cry if you need to. I'm still here."
*
A month passed, and Daisuke continued to conveniently "run into" Shinya on the street, whenever he was in town. Of course, he knew that most of the time, Shinya was with Kaoru, taking care of him, spending time with him and Akihito. Shinya could see the look of jealousy in Daisuke's eyes, knowing that Shinya's time couldn't be his.
"You'd be better off with me, you know."
Daisuke said that, while helping Shinya pick out a gift for Akihito. Shinya whirled around and looked at him in surprise, only to find a smile on Daisuke's face before the redhead turned away and began to muse over the difference between two toys on the shelf. Shinya kept eyeing him for the next few seconds, but he neither said anything nor did anything to prove that what he had said was more than a passing joke.
But Shinya knew the truth. He could tell that Daisuke was interested in him... no, more than just interested. It was painfully obvious by the way Daisuke touched him sometimes, on the arm or the hand, or sometimes even to push hair off of his cheek. Shinya usually pulled away, feeling an inner jolt, a reminder that he was Kaoru's lover and that he intended to stay that way for as long as humanly possible---until the fates ripped them apart. He longed to be with Kaoru forever, but he knew it wasn't possible. And he was too confused over the prospect of what would happen after Kaoru's death for him to think about anyone else.
He liked Daisuke, genuinely. He'd even told him that, then cursed himself, because the smile that would light up on Daisuke's face would be a clear indicator that he had kindled another worthless hope. Only as a friend, he should have added.
"That's probably too old for him," Shinya said, motioning towards the toy that Daisuke had chosen. "He's only four years old, after all."
"Almost five, right?"
"Hai."
"I had something like this when I was five." But Daisuke shrugged and put it back. "Well, whatever. Here, hang on, maybe I can find something better." However, before he moved away to follow his pursuit of the ideal gift, he glanced back at Shinya and paused, smiling softly again---like the smile he'd been wearing earlier. "Ne, Shinya... I don't know why I'm saying this, but I'm really enjoying this. It just feels... right. Being with you."
Shinya lowered his eyes. "Daisuke..."
He moved closer. "How is Kaoru doing?"
"Mmm... all right..." Shinya swallowed tensely and turned away, focusing his eyes on a stuffed animal sitting on the shelf right in front of him. He picked it up and pretended to observe it, even though he could hardly see it. "He's slowly getting worse. He's been sleeping almost all the time now, because the headaches are so bad, and the only way he can get rid of them is to sleep them off."
"I see..." There was a flicker of sympathy in Daisuke's eyes, as he nodded. "I'm sorry to hear that."
Shinya only nodded, with no other response to give.
"How long do you think he has left?"
Shinya's fingernails dug into the false fur of the stuffed animal, which happened to be, as he noticed now, a puppy. "Excuse me?" he said in surprise, his voice strained. However, Daisuke didn't repeat himself, and Shinya knew that there was no need. After all, he understood what Daisuke was asking. It was just hard to think about. "I don't know. The... The doctor said not long. A year, maybe. Two if he's lucky." He was too hollow to start crying about it at this point, while Daisuke was watching him. Only alone, or with Kaoru, could he actually cry.
Daisuke was silent for a moment, looking at the bear in Shinya's hands. Slowly, he looked up hesitantly at Shinya's face. "Maybe the best thing would be if he stayed in the hospice, after all."
A muffled squeaking sound from the device inside the bear wailed in protest, as Shinya nearly crushed it. "No... No, not a hospice. I told you, he doesn't want to leave his home. It really wouldn't be the best thing for him."
Daisuke winced at the sound from the toy. Wisely he reached out and plucked it out of Shinya's hands, to a more safe location in his own. "I didn't mean the best thing for him, Shinya. I meant for you."
"For me...?"
Although he looked down in modesty at the toy, there was a little half-bitter smile on his face. "I really do think you'd be better off with me. I'd live to take care of YOU, and not the other way around. That is, if I was in that kind of position." Thoughtfully he placed the stuffed bear back on the shelf, giving it a final pat as though to apologize for the torture it had endured from Shinya's long nails. "I think I'd want to take you away... out of this city, to someplace far. Another country. Maybe New York." He laughed a little.
"N-New York?" Shinya repeated, blinking.
"Hai. I'm going there."
Dumbfounded, Shinya turned away from the shelf to stare up at him. "You are? When? How?"
"Pretty soon," Daisuke answered absently in response to the first question, touching another toy and pushing it aside to look for it in a different color. "And it's through school. The college I attend offers an international study program for advanced students. And people who are taking classes like mine are practically expected to go somewhere. But I'm not just doing it for school---I really want to travel." He flashed another smile at Shinya. "New York just seems like a really interesting place to me."
Shinya nodded silently, swallowing. He didn't want to say it... He COULDN'T say it. But inside, he was feeling another little ache, an empty tugging, to think that Daisuke would be leaving. He didn't know how to express that he would miss him. He didn't even know why he would miss him. But he would.
Daisuke's eyes shifted off the toys and rested on Shinya, although he didn't move and his smile only faded a little bit to seriousness. "You should come with me when I go."
Shinya's heart quickened. "What?"
"You'd be perfect in New York," Daisuke mused to himself, making Shinya wonder whether he had been serious about that little statement at all.
It was useless for Shinya to try to explain the reasons why something like that wouldn't work. The first thing that came to mind, which he could have used as a form of defense, was that Akihito would have been alone after Kaoru's death---after all, Kaoru wasn't exceptionally close with anyone in his family, and Akihito had hardly met that many of his relatives. It wasn't as though his mother would suddenly appear and reclaim him. Shinya wasn't sure that he would have wanted her to. After all, Akihito was his now.
Instead of waiting for an answer, Daisuke smiled at him a last time and started to wander a few steps down, browsing the shelves.
'Don't you see, Daisuke?' Shinya thought, watching the other man sadly out of the corner of his eye. 'You're such a good friend, and I don't know what I would do without you. But I don't love you... I love Kaoru. I belong to HIM.
'Only him. Forever.'
---to be continued---
Notes: See, here is the other member of Dir en grey that I said I would include. Daisuke, obviously, is Die. I wonder why Die didn't just spell his name as "Dai"? Although, "die" is a very fascinating word... It's been somewhat emotionally taxing on me to make Kaoru's health slowly disintegrate, and I don't know why, because it's fiction. Please comment... The last chapter is next, and I'll really want some feedback for this story. Thank you..
To be contiued
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