Title: Ochite Yuku (6)
Author: Scarlet Kozi
Genre: Drama, romance
Band: Dir en grey
Rating: R
Comments: This is the last chapter. Remember, read my notes at the end, even though I don't have anything important to say.
"Shinya!"
Abruptly Shinya stopped, hearing his name called, and his hand left the handle of the sleek black car that had become more his than Kaoru's, now that he was the one who always drove it. He'd been about to go home, after picking up some papers and pills from Kaoru's doctor, which were now resting on top of the car---after all, he would have preferred to spend NO time away from home, fearing that something would happen, but there were always necessities like this.
Turning his head around, Shinya searched the dark street. It was late evening, and most of the people were running around on the main avenue, around the corner of the large building he'd parked beside; the one with all the doctors' offices. Finally his eyes focused on a lone figure hurrying towards him---Daisuke.
He thought for a moment about jumping into the car and driving off before anything could be said.
He didn't want to hurt anyone anymore. He didn't want to hurt Daisuke, who persisted in making subtle professions of his feelings and buying little gifts and making implications that all he wanted was to take Shinya away and see the world together. Things like that were only reminders, to Shinya, of things that he couldn't have. Things that part of him wanted to have, because he was young and curious and would very much have liked to see the world... but also things that the other part of him couldn't have cared less about, because Kaoru and Akihito were his main priorities and he wouldn't have left them for anything. No, he didn't want to hurt Daisuke anymore... but Daisuke wouldn't leave him alone.
The redhead finally ran to a halt next to him, breathing heavily, his eyes bright. "Looks like I caught you just in time."
"I'm sorry, Daisuke," Shinya immediately apologized, his back nearly pressing against the shiny door of the car. "I have to go home. It's getting late already, and I should have been there an hour ago. The doctor that I needed to speak to was so busy, and I had to wait."
"No, don't go." Daisuke put his hand on his arm and looked at him pleadingly, all motions and words hasty.
"Why?" Shinya looked straight at him, stubborn.
"I can't wait any longer for an answer from you." He withdrew his hand, but continued to watch Shinya, perhaps trying to seek out a reaction. "After what you and I talked about last week at the toy store, I kept thinking and thinking about it. My mind was going so fast. I kept saying to myself, it really wouldn't be that hard to manage, would it? We could find a way."
"What?" Shinya furrowed his brows, anxious to just get home, feeling as though he could have been missing out on something very important even as they stood there. "What are you talking about?"
"Because I'm going to be going through school, my ticket was discounted. If you go too, I'll have to pay the whole other price for yours." He reached into the pocket of his jacket and rummaged around for a long moment, as Shinya watched. Then he withdrew a packet, which he revealed to have a plane ticket in it. Smiling, he held it out to Shinya. "Look."
Hesitantly, Shinya took it. He gasped. "New York? What is this? What's going on?"
"Shinya, I TOLD you I was going to New York!"
He shook his head. "N-No, no, I know that, but... so soon?"
Daisuke nodded. "I wanted to give you a little bit of time to think... but... things just happened this way." He took the plane ticket back and shoved it in the pocket again, an excited expression on his face. "Don't you get it? If you come with me, I'll pay for your ticket. I have the money. I mean, I don't have everything planned out yet, exactly, but that's the point of it. The adventure. Come on, Shinya. It looks as though you haven't had an adventure in a long time. It wouldn't be so hard to get a passport, and then you could just come to New York with me! We could have so much fun together, you and I." He touched Shinya's arm, staring down into his face.
Shinya stared back up at him, his head swimming. "Are... Are you crazy?" he managed. "I couldn't come to New York with you!"
"Yes, you could! My plane leaves tomorrow. Since it's college, the arrangements are already made for where I'm staying. I could fix things so that you could live with me, and... It would be wonderful." His smile was almost childlike, his eyes glowing. "Just think of it, Shinya---I'll bet you never thought that you could go to a place like New York before, did you? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!"
"But... I..."
Daisuke placed both of his hands on Shinya's shoulders, almost steering him back against the car in his intensity. The distance between them was very small, and they looked directly into each others' eyes. "Listen, Shinya, I... normally I would just go. I wouldn't take someone like you or any girl I liked with me, under most circumstances. But I WANT you to come. I'm only trying to show you how much I care about you. I would go to all this trouble to take you with me when I leave---don't you understand? Please. Come with me." His eyes were imploring.
Shinya felt trapped, but at the same time, his mind was hazy. "Daisuke..."
Suddenly Daisuke's lips were against his, engulfing him, arms snaking around his thin form and holding it against him. Shinya's hands fumbled, and found their way around Daisuke's back, clutching his jacket, his eyes wide open. Daisuke's mouth was soft, but hot, intimately claiming his. He pulled back, releasing Shinya, and took in a breath of air, his eyes burning as he looked down at Shinya's face.
"Come with me," he said again. "This is going to be your last chance. You have to choose."
"Choose? Choose what?" Shinya gasped out, still short of breath. He steadied himself against the car.
"Between me... and him." Daisuke sighed. "I know it sounds horrible. I feel sorry for him---I mean, he's dying, and you probably think it would be cruel to leave him. But there are relatives who could take care of his son, you said so yourself, and it's a fact that he's going to die. You already know that. You would only be parted from him a little bit sooner, and less painfully---YOU would be the one saying goodbye."
Shinya was stricken, his lips parting to say something that wouldn't come.
"He would be all right without you... He would understand. I don't know him, but I know he'd want to best for you. Like me---that's what I want." Daisuke looked down at him softly, intensely. Apparently the expression on Shinya's face frightened him. "Please, Shinya. Don't... Don't you care for me at all, even a fraction of the way I care about you?"
Immediately Shinya stammered out, "O-Of course I do, but I... New York?"
He didn't even realize that his keitai was ringing until Daisuke's expression turned to one of surprise, at the sound of the noise, and then irritation, that they were interrupted. "Your phone is ringing." He gestured.
"Hmm?"
"Your phone." Daisuke almost laughed at him. "Aren't you going to answer it?"
"Oh!" Shinya's eyes grew wide. With a little nod, he hurriedly glanced down at himself and reached into the pocket of his jacket. He pulled out the phone and opened it up, and immediately recognized the number. A dart of fear shot through him. It was their home number... and that meant that it was Kaoru who was calling. Kaoru had called him before, just to check up on him or to reassure him that everything was all right, but Shinya had always panicked, wondering whether something was horribly wrong. Quickly he held it to his ear.
"Moshi moshi?" he murmured breathlessly.
"...Shinya...?"
"Kaoru...!" Shinya clutched the phone. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"Listen... I..." Kaoru stopped and sucked in a breath of air, or so it sounded like. His voice was weak, and more strained than usual.
"Are you all right?" There was no immediate response, and Shinya's heartbeat doubled, as his eyes scanned the pavement in front of him without seeing anything. "Kaoru, what's wrong? Please, talk to me, just say something! I can't help you if I don't know what's going on! Kaoru..." He felt Daisuke's hand on his arm, and closed his eyes tightly.
"It's okay, it's okay," Kaoru finally managed, the words broken. "Don't panic."
Shinya would have laughed at himself---him, panicking when Kaoru was the one who was in danger, and Kaoru being the one to tell him not to lose his calm.
"Are you okay?" he asked again.
"I guess..." Kaoru took another deep breath. Sometimes it was difficult for him to breathe correctly, to get all of that oxygen to the parts of his system that needed it, and he would need to take in long, intense gulps of air. "I think I'm going to faint."
"What?" Shinya dug his nails into his palm. Kaoru had fainted before, but not alone. "Did something happen?"
"No... I'm just overtired." Kaoru hesitated. "Would you... Would you please come home, Shinya? It's just... Akihito is already asleep in bed, but... I don't want him to wake up and find me unconscious... I'm afraid that he'll need someone and I won't be able to help him. Please, come back as soon as you can..." It sounded as though he was trying his hardest to get out all the words correctly, as he fought to maintain consciousness.
"Of course, of course. Just hang on, Kaoru. It'll all be okay."
It took all of the strength in Shinya's body to make him turn the phone off and put it away, cutting off his only connection to Kaoru at that moment. He couldn't help but fear, as always, that every time he turned off the phone or walked out the door, that would be the last time he'd hear Kaoru's voice, or see his smile.
"What's wrong? Is it serious?" Daisuke asked, brow furrowed in concern.
Shinya swallowed. "It's happened before, him fainting... but he doesn't want Akihito to be home alone. And if he faints, he could hurt himself..." He tensed. "I have to go home."
However, as he was turning around to open the car, Daisuke's hand came on his arm again, pleading. "Shinya... Wait. You didn't answer me. There won't be a chance for us to talk again---I'm going to be gone tomorrow."
He was about to cry out to Daisuke and ask him how he could stand around and demand that he finish a conversation like this, when he needed to go home and help Kaoru, but calmed himself down. Taking a deep breath, he turned again and looked up into Daisuke's face.
"Daisuke... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't go with you. I would be abandoning Kaoru, and... that's something I could never do. Please... forgive me." He looked down, closing his eyes.
"...I see..."
Just as he was about to look up, Daisuke put his hands on his shoulders again, but this time leaned down and placed one light kiss on his forehead. When he leaned back, his eyes were full of regret, although there was a little rueful smile on his face. "I understand. I really admire you, Shinya... You're so devoted to him." He shook his head. "I wish all the best to you two. That's hard, considering the circumstances, but... good luck."
"Daisuke..." Shinya's eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. It's what you believe in, so it's not something to say you're sorry for." Daisuke touched his arm, and sighed a little. "You're right, you should go... He might need you."
"Good luck to you too," Shinya whispered before he could leave. "In New York, I mean."
Daisuke's smile came back a little, and this time it was more genuine. "Thanks. You'll be missing out on a lot there, you know. But maybe I'll see you again, and I'll tell you all about it. Maybe in a year or two when I come back, we can start over, you and me. You know?"
He nodded, somehow finding the strength to smile just a little in return. "You're right. S... Sayonara."
"Ja ne." Daisuke turned and waved one last time.
Then he disappeared.
*
Shinya struggled at the front door, hardly able to contain himself as he tried to open it. A cool night wind was blowing, and he could hear his own blood pumping in his ears. Finally, as he repeatedly shoved the key into the lock, it surrendered and there was a loud clicking sound. Shinya shoved the door open and hurried in, carelessly leaving the key behind him, his eyes darting around. He kicked off his shoes in the genkan and threw his jacket on the floor.
"Kaoru?"
The hallway, of course, was empty. As he passed the kitchen quickly, he stole a peek inside, and saw that it was empty too. He'd been expecting that Kaoru would still be there, near the phone---but no, clearly Kaoru had been foolish and had tried to move by himself, without waiting for Shinya to come home.
'Damn it...' Shinya choked down his worry. 'Kaoru, where could you be?'
A quick search of most of the rooms in the long, traditional house proved that Kaoru was nowhere to be found. Out of sheer desperation, he screeched to a halt in front of Akihito's door, and saw that it was shut. That made him stop in his tracks. Akihito liked the door to be open---he was afraid of having it closed, for some reason, knowing that Kaoru and Shinya were both several rooms down the hallway and not closer.
Shinya stepped up to the door and tried to open it. However, he found that it was locked. His eyes widened, and he removed his hand quickly, as though burnt.
"K-Kaoru? Are you in there?" he called softly, panicked, through the door.
Shinya tapped against the door, for the moment not caring whether he woke Akihito up. Although, Kaoru's son was such a heavy sleeper than even thunderstorms and earthquakes hadn't roused him from sleep, so he wasn't worried about that. He rapped his knuckles on the wood, still calling quietly through it for Kaoru, knowing that he couldn't be anywhere else. This was his last hope.
His eyes filling with tears, Shinya collapsed against the door, pressing his palms against it. "Kaoru... please, please let me in..." A wave of inner fear swept over his body, and he sank to his knees in front of the door, leaning forward on the weight of his hands, trying to calm himself down but failing.
"Kaoru..."
Suddenly he heard a sound within. Murmuring. Looking up abruptly, Shinya held his breath and listened.
"It... It's okay, Aki-chan... Go back to sleep. I'm here, nothing's wrong."
Then there was something inaudible in response, from Akihito, before he dozed off again.
A moment later, Shinya could hear the sound of someone's hand fumbling on the other side of the door, right near the knob. Then a loud click, a signal of the lock being unlatched. Shinya stared as the doorknob slowly, slowly, slowly was turned, and then, the door was pulled open. His eyes gazing up, his pulse quickened.
Kaoru was standing there, swaying slightly, illuminated suddenly because there was little light inside the room itself, behind him. He was dressed in his home clothes, casually, the way that Shinya had left him several hours earlier---but now, he seemed very weak. His eyes were half-open, heavy and unfocusing as they looked down at Shinya, and his pupils were dilated. A few tiny beads of sweat had broken out on his forehead. For a moment he just stood there.
Haltingly, Shinya drew himself up off the ground and onto his feet again. But the moment he did so, he gasped in shock, for suddenly Kaoru seemed to lose his balance. Eyelashes fluttering, his head began to bow forwards, and then his knees buckled.
Shinya caught him in his arms just in time, stumbling backwards from the weight of a heavier body, and he almost fell against the wall behind him.
"Kaoru! Are you all right?"
Kaoru weakly tried to wrap his arms around Shinya's neck and support himself in some manner, while letting out a low mumble, to try and reassure him. Then, after a moment, he tilted his head to look up at Shinya. There were tears in his eyes.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to lock it... Aki is asleep."
Shinya just nodded, trying to blink away his own tears. "Come on, let's get you to bed. Did you... Did you take your pills?"
"Hai..."
Shinya slid one arm beneath Kaoru's shoulders and placed his other hand against his chest. Kaoru leaned heavily on him, head lolling onto his shoulder, barely able to walk. Shinya nearly collapsed under the weight of Kaoru against him, but held his breath and clutched the slender body tightly, wobbling down the hallway. He remembered the number of doors they would have to pass until they reached their bedroom---more accurately, Kaoru's---and counted them silently in his head, straining and nearly tripping, until they reached their door.
"Come on... right in here..." Shinya bumped against the doorframe and winced as the hard wood left a mark on his hip, but with Kaoru in his arms, crossed the room and made it over to the large, slightly elevated futon. Somehow or another, he kept himself from collapsing, and eased Kaoru down onto the top cover.
"Nnn..." Kaoru let out a small noise of protest, but lay there heavily, panting, blinking hazily. Shinya sat down next to him, staring down at his face.
Suddenly, Kaoru cried out, gasping. He curled onto his side and held his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut.
Shinya jumped, and immediately leaned down over him, frantic. "Kaoru!"
"It... It hurts," Kaoru hissed out between clenched teeth, shaking his head.
It must have been another headache, Shinya realized, and turned around, shifting to get off the futon and hurry into the kitchen. There wasn't anything he could do for Kaoru's headaches---his medication was supposed to lessen the pain, but it didn't work. Sometimes a cold cloth would help. "I'll be right back---just wait here, and hang on."
Kaoru's hand shot out and gripped his arm suddenly, holding him back. "No, don't leave," his voice whispered.
Shinya muffled a gasp. It wasn't the sensation of Kaoru's fingers clutching his arm. Almost immediately, Kaoru's hold weakened again, not able to sustain much strength for very long. Slowly, freezing in that position, Shinya turned around and looked down at the older man. Kaoru's dark brown eyes were awash with pain and pleading, as his hand slipped away, brushing down Shinya's arm and leaving a trail of goosebumps. A tear was starting to ooze out from one of them, taking Shinya by surprise---he'd never really seen Kaoru cry.
"Stay with me... please," Kaoru begged softly. "Just hold me for a little while. It'll help."
Shinya gave a little nod, and whispered, his throat dry, "Of course."
He pulled his legs back onto the futon and crept over, watching as Kaoru's head fell back against the pillows and he rested there silently, still wincing a bit. Shinya peered through the shadows and slid his arm around Kaoru's body, feeling the ribs pushing against his arm, and pulled him against him. Weakly, Kaoru's arms went around him, and all of a sudden it seemed as though he was a child clinging to his mother after awakening from a bad, frightening dream.
"I'm sorry," Kaoru murmured into his ear, still hanging on between consciousness and unconsciousness. He sniffled a bit, making Shinya freeze against him. "I didn't want to worry you... but I felt so weak, and Akihito would have been alone... It scared me."
Shinya took in a gasp of air suddenly, closing his eyes. It hurt him so much to see Kaoru this weak. "I know... I know."
He could feel one hot tear trickling down Kaoru's nose and bursting on the skin of his neck. He shuddered slightly, and to cover it up, pulled Kaoru even closer against his body, so that there wasn't any space in between them. Kaoru seemed comforted by the contact, taking one last breath and then finally relaxing, the rest of his tears drying away. He seemed to feel safe, reassured, comforted, with Shinya's arms around him and his heart beating against him. Slowly, Shinya heard his breath evening out, and the last trembles of pain from his headache faded away. He was asleep.
Shinya pulled back enough to look awkwardly down at him, at an angle. Kaoru looked vulnerable and strangely innocent when he was asleep, but exhausted, cheekbones more prominent than ever. His eyelashes dusted his cheeks, and his lips were slightly parted, his breath escaping.
The man who had done so much for him, changed his life forever. Shinya held his breath hard to keep himself from crying and waking him up.
Finally, he pressed a light kiss against Kaoru's cheek, smoothing back the dark hair with his fingertips.
"I love you."
Kaoru was deeply asleep at this point, in some other realm, where the pain melted away and stayed there for a time while he was awake, until it would return full force and he would have to resort to that realm of slumber again. However, he exhaled slowly, and in his sleep, his fingers slid down Shinya's back about a centimeter, almost like his usual caress. His face looked just a touch more peaceful... He must have heard.
Shinya's muscles slowly relaxed, and he allowed his eyes to drift shut as he laid beside Kaoru, knowing not only from that reaction that Kaoru loved him just as much.
And, right then, it was more than he'd ever wanted.
Owari
Final Notes: It's stupid how wrapped up in some of my stories I get. Originally I was planning to write out Kaoru's death... but I couldn't bear to do it, and not only because I gave him my own condition in this story, intensified. I just didn't want to do that, because Kaoru is one of the people I most admire and it isn't, nor should it be, in my power to play God and falsely dictate lives like that. I'd like to know what you thought of this whole story, though... Please, please, please respond and give me your thoughts. Don't worry about saying too much or too little---anything. Arigato. Sayonara.