Title: Ochite Yuku (4)
Author: Scarlet Kozi
Genre: Drama, romance
Band: Dir en grey
Rating: R
Comments: This chapter is going to have some unexpected twists, I'll say that, at least. Be sure to read my notes at the end... if you haven't run off by then ^^;
"Shinya..."
"Yes?" Shinya set down his pen, sitting at his desk, and glanced up over his glasses to make sure that no one nearby was watching. If he was caught in the middle of a personal call during work, he was certain to get yelled at again by his employer. She was a pleasant woman, and she happened to be quite fond of him, ever since Kaoru had practically forced her to hire him---but she didn't tolerate slacking while he was supposed to be working.
"There's something I need to ask you. It's... a favor. A big favor."
Shinya blinked. "Of course. What is it?"
Kaoru's voice sounded weak for some reason. It was only three months or so since he had announced to Shinya that the divorce was official, and he was now a genuine single man again. He had been a bit moody ever since then, but had claimed that he and Akihito were doing well enough and that wasn't the cause of his problems. Every once in a while when he and Shinya spoke, he would be withdrawn or quiet, like this.
"I wanted to know if you would move in with me."
"Move in with you?" Shinya repeated, blinking quickly. In one motion he reached up and pulled off his glasses, setting them on his desk and leaning forward. "You mean, in your house? The house I've never even seen? Kaoru..."
"I know, it's a little sudden, and it's something I shouldn't be asking of you..." Kaoru hesitated, as though he felt guilty. "But I need you. I need you here."
"Why? What is it?"
"N... Nothing... It's..."
Shinya felt a strange tenseness in his stomach, a clear signal that there was something wrong, something he didn't know about. "What?"
"Well... Shinya, it's complicated. Firstly, it's Akihito and I."
"But I thought you were getting along fine."
"We are. I mean, more or less. He's so smart, for a four-year-old... You'd think he understood everything about why his mother left." Kaoru abruptly paused again, and cleared his throat. "But anyway... It's not so much him and I getting along as my ability to take care of him. I just don't know what to do... how to take care of him. I can cook... a little. And I can read to him. But when he wakes up crying from nightmares, or wants me to explain something to him, I just don't know where to begin. I hate having to hire a babysitter to be with him all the time just because I have to go to work---I don't want to leave him alone with strangers."
"Kaoru, I don't understand." Shinya furrowed his brows. "What you're basically asking me is to quit my job and move in with you so that I can take care of your son."
Kaoru sounded startled. "Shinya..."
"No, no." Shinya shook his head, sighing. "I'm not angry about it at all. It's just... Of course, I'd like to help, I'd love to. He's so sweet, but..."
"It's not just Akihito."
"Then what?"
"I... I want to be close to you." There was that slight helpless, weakened tone to Kaoru's voice again, something that was so rarely present. "Since we both have to work, and I can't come and stay over anymore now that Akihito needs me there, we hardly ever spend any time together. I just wish that things were different, and you and I could..."
"Could get married."
Kaoru sighed. "Well, yes..."
"I really would be your wife, Kaoru, if I could," Shinya whispered, grasping the pen very tightly. "I'd leave my job and my apartment behind in a second to stay with you. But... that kind of life is impossible. I'm a man. And if I came to live with you, don't you know what people would say?"
"I don't care. They wouldn't say anything anyway. No one pries that much into my personal business." Kaoru dismissed his concern easily.
"But..."
"Just think about it. Please?"
"...All right, Kaoru. I will, I promise."
*
"Thank you again for driving all my things here, Kaoru," Shinya said over his shoulder, pausing a minute to brush the back of his hand over his forehead, breathing heavily.
"Of course." Kaoru nodded, watching him worriedly, Akihito in his arms. "Is there anything else I can help with?"
"No, no, you look exhausted. Don't worry about it." Shinya waved him off, noticing that Kaoru looked paler than usual again today. Lately, he'd been noticing that in addition to being soft-spoken and depressed, Kaoru also looked weaker and more tired. He was concerned about it, but didn't want to say anything---Kaoru was always so dismissive whenever Shinya showed the slightest worry for him.
"Phew." Shinya paused for a moment, rolling up his sleeve again from where it had fallen down around his wrist. "I think that's everything."
Akihito, clutching his father's arm, reached out one hand towards Shinya. "Are you really staying here, Shinya-san?"
Shinya smiled, catching his breath. He came a few steps closer and stood beside Kaoru, leaning down to touch Akihito's hand with his own. It was strange---most of the time he had to admit that he'd didn't like children. But Akihito was special. And he was Kaoru's, after all. "I'm staying."
"For how long?"
Shinya blinked, and looked up at Kaoru. "Yes, how long?"
Kaoru rolled his eyes slightly and started to lean down, preparing to plant a kiss on Shinya's lips... but then both of them noticed that Akihito was watching, and both of them started to blush, realizing that it would hardly be proper to do such a thing in front of him. Therefore, Kaoru allowed himself to chastely kiss Shinya on the cheek, and Shinya, recovering himself, went to finish arranging things.
They were in one of the spare rooms, which had been cleared out especially for Shinya's coming. Although Kaoru's house was somewhat traditional, and built in the longer-than-wide Japanese style, Shinya found it more than inhabitable. He thought its beauty was entrancing, and it had an old, elegant air to it---much better, he claimed, than his apartment, no matter how expensive or modern it was. Kaoru had been worried that Shinya wouldn't like living in a house that was somewhat out of the way of town, but Shinya did everything to dissuade him from that belief. After all, he didn't mind playing housewife at all. He wouldn't miss being cooped up in a stuffy office much anyway.
"Well, I think it's time for YOU to go to bed." Kaoru smiled lightly at Akihito and hefted him up a bit more. "Shinya, I'm just going to go tuck him in... I'll be back in a few minutes."
"That's fine." Shinya nodded and smiled at Akihito. "Oyasumi, Aki-chan."
"Oyasumi, Shinya-san!"
Kaoru left the room, and Shinya took a few more moments to make sure that he had everything arranged to his liking. Kaoru had repeatedly offered to let him bring his elevated bed from his apartment, but Shinya was determined to make himself completely at home in a traditional house, which explained the futon set out for him. Part of him wished that he could stay in Kaoru's room... in Kaoru's bed... but with a child in the house, that wasn't appropriate. There would be opportunities for them to have special time together, of course---as long as Akihito saw that Shinya had his own room and his own bed.
Shinya took his hair down out of the ponytail, running his fingers through it quickly to make it look presentable, and then headed to the kitchen. He and Kaoru would most likely have a cup of tea before retiring to bed.
Kaoru soon joined him, surprising him near the sink by sliding his arms around his waist from behind and pressing his lips against his cheek. "Welcome to the house, Shinya."
"Thank you." Shinya smiled and kissed him. "I love it here already."
"Are you sure you don't regret coming here?"
"Of course I don't. I want to be with you, and with Akihito. I'd much rather help you than work as an assistant in some lawyer's office. Without a college degree, I wouldn't have been able to do much of anything after that anyway." Disengaging himself from Kaoru's arms, he went to go and fetch the teapot.
"What time is it?" Kaoru asked suddenly.
Shinya glance down at his watch, closing the cupboard. "Ano... A little past eight-thirty."
Kaoru seemed surprised, as though he had expected it to be earlier. However, he only offered a quick nod, and then turned away from Shinya, heading for the counter. He took a glass and filled it with water, then, to Shinya's surprise, took a small orange bottle full of pills out from its place behind a potted plant. Shinya's eyes widened slightly as he watched Kaoru take two of the pills out and down them with a large sip of water.
He came closer. "What are those?"
Swallowing the water hard, Kaoru paused for a moment and set the glass down on the counter. He quickly screwed the cap back on the bottle. "Oh, just pills I take..."
"What kind of pills? What are they for?"
Again, Kaoru hesitated before answering, his eyes on the counter. "Ne, Shinya, did you want to watch any television tonight? Akihito is already fast asleep, and the house is so large that if we keep the volume low, it won't wake him up. I know you like watching those shows about pop music, so if you want, we can do that."
Shinya frowned slightly, leaning on the counter. "No, I was planning on just sitting and having some tea with you. But really, Kaoru. Are those vitamins?"
Kaoru's posture became stiff, resenting that Shinya had not allowed him to get away with changing the subject. "No... medication."
"Medication? For what?"
Kaoru sighed. "Shinya... I..."
Slowly Shinya felt that tenseness in his stomach, his typical indicator of something to worry about, grow even tauter. In a burst of unrestrained worry, he reached out past Kaoru and took the bottle right out of his hand. Kaoru didn't really fight him. He allowed him to take it, his eyes lowered but watching Shinya tentatively. Shinya turned the bottle over and stared down at the label.
"What kind of a prescription is this?"
"Shinya, please..."
"No, tell me. Tell me why you're taking these." Shinya moved closer, his eyes locked on Kaoru's face, his brows drawn together. "Have you been hiding something from me?"
Slowly, Kaoru turned around to face Shinya, who was standing so close in front of him that there was barely any space between them at all. He placed his hands on Shinya's shoulders, looking into his eyes, but his gaze was halted, darting away occasionally. "Part of the reason that I wanted you to stay with me... is..." He broke off. "I didn't only want you to help me take care of Akihito. It... It won't be very long until I won't be able to take care of myself."
Shinya's eyes narrowed in shock. "What? I don't understand."
"I didn't want to tell you." Kaoru's eyes became desperate. "I only found out a little after Sayoko told me that she was leaving me. To approve the divorce papers, they needed to register all of my personal information, like my birth certificate and all that---and I've never liked to go to the doctor's, so I hadn't in a long time. They needed me to consult a doctor, just standard procedure, because it wasn't healthy for me to have avoided it for so long..." He was beginning to ramble slightly, in his discomfort.
Shinya only watched him, confused and helpless, nodding very slightly and sharply.
"For the last couple of years I've been noticing things, little things, but I never thought anything of them. I assumed that I should just ignore them, even if they were symptoms of something. I had headaches, and weakness, and strange reactions to certain foods and painkillers and things like that. The doctor told me that... that it could have meant something serious. So they did a full physical... and...
"They found something." Kaoru swallowed, and looked away for a moment, but didn't lower his hands. "They said that I have a disorder. My circulation is bad, and my heart doesn't pump enough blood to other parts of my body, especially my brain. There are blockages in my arteries, and there isn't really a cause for them---they haven't figured out that much about the disorder yet. There isn't anything they can do to reverse the blockage, because... something like that would be too dangerous. Anything, if it's related to the brain or the heart, is risky, and they don't want to take chances on it, because it's more likely that they'll kill me than cure me." He paused. "People with this disorder, people who have it as strongly as I have it... they don't live too long after they start seeing symptoms. The doctor said that I have a couple of years, at most. The medication is just something to kill some of the pain that I get from headaches, and to try and boost my circulation, but it's really nothing... it doesn't do anything for me... I think they only give it to me to make me think that they're not throwing in the towel. But I know the truth."
The words hovered around in Shinya's brain like smoke, floating and merging into each other, lightly at first, and then growing oppressively thick and muddled. Dazedly he realized that he had lowered his eyes and that he was now staring intently at the knitting of the tiny threads of Kaoru's sleeve.
"But... you mean... there's nothing they can...?"
Kaoru shook his head. "No. Nothing they can do." His voice was very soft, but heavy.
Shinya shook his head also, his voice hollow. "You're... You're young. Only twenty-eight." As he said these words he realized for the first time how young Kaoru really was. Over the last couple of years, he'd considered Kaoru much older than him, more mature, more advanced---but really there were only four years between them. "You have time..."
"Shinya, it's not that easy. There are things that can shorten a person's life by a lot."
Shinya felt his lips and his chin trembling, hampering him from speaking right away, but he looked up and met Kaoru's eyes again. His fingers came up and clutched the fabric of Kaoru's shirt, as he stared into the warm brown depths, trying desperately to find answers to his endless questions. "Then you... you're going to..."
Kaoru nodded, very slightly, his eyes softening. "I'm going to die."
Shinya only stared at him.
He couldn't believe it. For the first few seconds of silence that hovered between them, Shinya could only think that it couldn't be true. After all, how could such a thing be possible? Kaoru was so normal---he had a good home, and more than enough money, and an excellent job, and he was so talented and good-hearted and handsome. He had such a beautiful son. He'd once had such a beautiful wife. No, he couldn't have been dying. Something like that was out of the question. Disease wasn't an option in such a perfect life. It was something that happened to other people, people you heard about, people who were friends of your friends---not you, or someone who meant so much to you. No. Not Kaoru.
Slowly, Shinya's eyes filled with tears, but he fought against them. Even in the face of tragedy, a tragedy that he couldn't believe, he commanded himself not to lose his calm, not to submit to the anguish that was rapidly growing inside him. He started to move backwards, but Kaoru's hands moved from his shoulders and slid around his waist, pulling him forward into an embrace.
His voice broke slightly as he whispered into Shinya's hair. "Shinya, I... I'm so sorry. I should have told you sooner---I was hoping that I would never have to say anything."
Shinya swallowed hard, closing his eyes.
When Shinya was silent, Kaoru let out his breath quickly and tightened the embrace even more. "I didn't want to believe it at first. I wasn't even going to do anything about it. But the headaches were already getting worse, so I let them give me medication... and I suppose I've come to accept it... to a point. I've already called a lot of time off of work---I have enough money to take time off, and I know that I should spend my time wisely, instead of slaving away for no good reason. I did it to be with you, with Akihito, for as long as I can. Please, Shinya. I'm sorry."
Finally, Shinya pulled back just enough to look into his face again. He let out one shuddery breath, refusing to actually cry, even though the tears were fighting to leave his eyes. "What about Akihito?" he whispered.
"I feel so horrible about it... about having to die when he's still so young..." Kaoru's eyes became pained, thinking of all the experiences of life that he would miss out on---all of the opportunities that he would have received through Akihito, being stolen away. "I knew that if I let you live with us, he would love you. And maybe someday... when I'm gone... you could take care of him. I have family, but... I want him to be with you. Will you, Shinya? Would you do that?"
It was as though Kaoru had already died, and Shinya was already faced with all of the challenges. He managed a single nod, dragging his fingers across one eye. "O-Of course... but..."
Kaoru pressed his forehead against Shinya's gently, waiting.
"Kaoru..." Shinya's voice was choked. "Don't... Don't do this. Don't leave me." As the words left his mouth, his body convulsed, and a single sob struggled out of him. But he hated to cry. He collapsed against Kaoru's chest, burying his face in his neck, biting hard on his lip to prevent another such embarrassing noise from escaping him.
Kaoru's eyes were growing wet. "If there was anything I could do, anything, to keep this from happening, I would do it. I don't want to leave you... I love you too much to leave you."
"I love you too much to live without you," Shinya managed to respond, the words almost lost as they were breathed into Kaoru's flesh.
"Don't think about that now." Kaoru swallowed hard and then pulled back, holding onto Shinya tightly. He managed a weak smile. "We should be thankful that I'm still as healthy as I am. We know what'll happen, but... things are going well, for now. Please, all we can do is enjoy the time that we have." He leaned down and pressed his lips against Shinya's, kissing him deeply, even though Shinya could hardly respond. "Let's just go to sleep, and not talk about this anymore. We'll deal with things as they come."
But as Kaoru led him out of the kitchen, abandoning the teapot on the counter, Shinya's eyes were awash with grief, and his step was empty and mechanical.
He could already feel the pain of Kaoru's loss.
---to be continued---
Notes: Sorry that this is a short chapter... It says what it needed to say, at least. I'm already half-done with the next chapter, so don't worry, it should be coming soon... but the more comments you send me, the sooner I'll put it up. I know, it's blatant blackmail, but I would really appreciate hearing what you have to say. Also, to those of you out there who might be skeptics---yes, this disease or condition or whatever you want to call it is real. I have it. I don't remember the name of it (something long and technical and Latin-sounding), and luckily I don't have it this seriously, but I get horrible headaches, and am exhausted all the time, and I faint if I'm in the sun or the heat. Also, I'm immune to painkillers. But enough about that. Comments, please... Thank you so much.
To be continued
To the next part