Title: Ochite Yuku (3)
Author: Scarlet Kozi
Genre: Drama, romance
Band: Dir en grey
Rating: R
Comments: You know, it's kind of unlikely that Shinya and Kaoru would ever really be a couple... unless I'm missing out on something. Most of them seem pretty straight anyway. Except for Toshiya. That guy... I don't even know. I try not to trust rumors and fanservice and things like that---they aren't really good indicators of whether a musician is gay or not, considering the name itself: fan service. Service for the fans. Ne, tell you what---I'll send a personal e-mail of gratitude and some nice picture of your choice to whoever gives me a list of confirmed gay j-rockers! Thanks.
"Keep your eyes closed."
"But... Kaoru..." Shinya was torn between feeling annoyed at being forced to stumble along blindly, and trying not to laugh.
Kaoru's hand was on his elbow, lightly guiding him along. He had come to pick Shinya up at his tiny apartment several days ago, now that they had been seeing each other for a few weeks. Or, more accurately, Kaoru had been coming to see Shinya for a few weeks. It would have been out of the question for Shinya to go to Kaoru's home, and Shinya could reluctantly understand---there was always a chance of someone seeing them, his wife being there, or something along those lines. They never spoke of the risks, of course. Things like that went without saying.
Shinya had allowed himself to sit down in Kaoru's black car, the one he'd grown more familiar with since that first night, but then had been instructed to close his eyes. He'd had to sit through the entire car ride without being able to see anything, which he thought was silly, but Kaoru was adamant.
"Just a little further..."
Shinya sighed in irritation and continued walking along a flat, carpeted floor, hesitantly holding his hands out in front of him, afraid that he would barrel into an unseen obstacle.
After Kaoru had stopped the car, he'd hurried around to the other side to help Shinya out, still commanding that he keep his eyes shut. Shinya had almost tripped over a curve and knocked into someone running by them before Kaoru had realized that he needed to lead Shinya everywhere to prevent more accidents. They'd gone through some rotating doors, across a slippery floor with a lot of people whose heels made clicking noises, and up an elevator. It felt as though this was a hallway, but Shinya couldn't be certain.
Kaoru put both hands on Shinya's shoulders now, stopping him carefully. His voice sounded as though he was smiling. "Okay, stand here for a minute."
"Can I open my eyes yet?" Shinya asked, coming dangerously close to whining. The humor in this situation had long passed.
"No."
There was an emptiness around him suddenly as Kaoru moved away. There was a tiny jangling sound, and then the loud noise of a key being turned in a lock. Then a doorknob was turned and a door pushed open. In the last half hour or so, Shinya had grown more sensitive to recognizing noises. Finally Kaoru's hand was on his arm again, bringing him forward a few steps. Then, he was stopped again.
"So can I look NOW?"
Kaoru paused. "Yes. Now."
Slowly, eyelashes fluttering, Shinya opened his eyes, and started looking around immediately.
He was standing inside a beautiful apartment, of medium size, but it wasn't the size so much as the decoration that caught his eye. It was simple, as though only half-furnished, but everything looked attractive and neatly-arranged. Perhaps someone like a maid was hired to organize, Shinya mused to himself, staring suddenly at the view that could be seen past the airy curtains on the windows. The buildings all looked so far away, the cars beneath them like shooting stars.
"Where are we?" he only asked after a moment, still stunned. "This isn't... your place...?" To his knowledge, Kaoru lived in a large traditional home that was away from the buildings, because his wife didn't like the sound of cars and had wanted the opportunity to raise a family. But still...
Kaoru laughed at him. "No! Shinya, this is YOUR place!"
Shinya frowned immediately. "What do you mean?" he whispered.
Shaking his head, Kaoru stepped closer and wrapped his arms around him, drawing him closer. Out of instinct, Shinya slid his arms around his neck, but continued to gaze up at him, searching for an answer. Kaoru smiled and then kissed him on the lips. In a softer voice, he said, "I bought this apartment for you. It's closer to where I live, and much nicer."
Shinya nearly lost his balance, and Kaoru's arms tightened around him as though sensing it. "You..."
v
"You told me how uncomfortable you are in the apartment you have now. It IS very small, and I... I want the best for you. You DESERVE the best."
"WHAT?" Shinya was still in shock, letting out a little laugh of surprise.
Kaoru's eyes were warm as they gazed back down at him, fingers clasped and resting at the small of Shinya's back. "You make me so happy, Shinya. I just want to make you feel the same way. I'm not sure how to do it, but I knew that you'd love it here. I... want to... take care of you." The words were unfamiliar, apparently, but he said them. "Make sure that everything is all right for you. You do understand... don't you?"
Shinya had nothing to say in return but to lean up and press his lips strongly against Kaoru's, kissing him in gratitude and squeezing him tightly with his thin arms.
*
The apartment became the site of all their meetings, as well as Shinya's home. Kaoru would always come here whenever he knew that Shinya would be home, and whenever he could get away from his work and his wife. Both of them had a key, so entry wasn't the problem. It would have been like their shared home, but Kaoru only stayed the night occasionally, when there was a suitable excuse for him to be away from his real home.
Sometimes they would go out, to dinner or to a movie or for a walk---only someplace where they knew they wouldn't be seen. But usually they stayed at the apartment. It was the safest place.
And Kaoru left gifts around often.
Most of the time, he'd hide them. Over dinner he would sometimes present a special CD or a book or something like that to Shinya, something that he'd been wanting for a long time, and had expressed his interest in to Kaoru. But things like jewelry, expensive or personal gifts, he would usually conceal when Shinya's back was turned, when he wasn't there. And then Shinya would come across them and know exactly how they'd gotten there.
Shinya was happy. He couldn't deny it. This wasn't a life that he had pictured for himself, and a couple of years ago he would have been shocked to think that he would find himself here---but now he knew that it was everything he wanted.
He had Kaoru, after all. A home, a job. The gifts were only baubles, although he loved them.
*
Shinya woke up slowly, laying heavily in the bed for a few long minutes before even opening his eyes or moving at all. Kaoru had exhausted him thoroughly last night.
Slowly, he yawned, and stretched his tired limbs. The sleep had slightly refreshed him, but there were a few cramps in his thigh muscles that had probably come from being overused only a couple long hours ago. The sun was warm on his face, on his shoulders, penetrating through the sheets and his flowing hair to heat up his skin. He rolled over, onto his side, reaching out a hand.
The other side of the bed was empty. Slightly disappointed, Shinya opened his eyes, gazing at the impression from a body, and sighed. He'd known that Kaoru wouldn't be there when he woke up, but still, it was hard to accept.
However, his half-open eyes caught sight of something unfamiliar resting on the sheets next to him.
It was a small box, longer than it was wide, wrapped in dark red paper with a silver bow sitting on the top. Occasionally Kaoru went to all the trouble of wrapping a present, although usually he just left them in boxes or out in the open to be found. With a tiny wry smile on his lips, Shinya could tell by the crooked tape that Kaoru didn't often wrap things. He brushed his fingers along the box hesitantly, just touching it for a moment, and then brought it closer.
He was fully awake now, focusing with inner excitement on the prospect of what could lay inside the box. Kaoru had given him so many things that it was difficult to guess anymore what there was left to give.
Shinya pulled off the silver bow carefully as he sat up, tucking strands of hair behind his ears, and he slid a manicured nail underneath the tape. For some reason, he felt reluctant to really rip the paper, even though it was not cloth or the type meant to be recycled for another use. Carefully he pulled the wrapping paper off, revealing the shiny black texture of the box beneath, his curiosity only growing.
As he lifted the lid of the box, his eyes widened subconsciously, peeking inside.
There was a delicate silver bracelet sitting on the inside, stretched out and pinned down. Tiny designs had been carved into the metal, catching the tiny amount of light that initially streamed in through the crack of the open lid. But then in surprise, Shinya dropped the lid entirely and the sunlight engulfed the bracelet. He touched it lightly, amazed by its beauty.
"Utsukushii..."
As though he was handling something that would break, he unhooked it from the box and picked it up, draping it on his wrist as he refastened it. It fit perfectly, and hung just right on his tiny bones. Kaoru must have tried to find the one with the shortest length, knowing that most bracelets slid right off Shinya's hand.
Generally Shinya wasn't the type of person to get warm fuzzy feelings inside, but looking at the bracelet on his wrist, he smiled and grabbed a pillow to hug, wishing that Kaoru was there.
A few moments later, he got up and went to the phone, dialing Kaoru's number.
"Hello?" a soft-spoken, polite female voice responded.
Shinya stopped and held his breath. For a moment he seriously considered hanging up and pretending that he hadn't called. Although he usually didn't call Kaoru's home number, but on the few occasions that he had, Kaoru always picked up the phone. Shinya had never had to talk to Kaoru's wife before... This was the first time he'd ever heard her voice. He knew nothing about her other than the few things Kaoru would tell him---she was nice, kind, the daughter of a good family, the mother of Kaoru's son...
"H-Hello," he finally whispered, then cleared his throat and spoke louder. "My name is Terachi Shinya... I work for a friend of your husband."
She sounded surprised. "Oh, I see... You're probably calling to speak with Kaoru, then, aren't you?"
"Well..."
"I'm very sorry, but he already left for work. Is there a message or a number you'd like me to take down to give to him when he comes home?"
Shinya was about to say no, that Kaoru already had his number, but that would have been too suspicious, he eventually decided. Instead, toying with the bracelet on his wrist and staring down at it emptily, he said, "I... I just wanted to thank Niikura-san for allowing me to share a taxi with him yesterday morning, on his way to work. Otherwise I would have been really late."
Oddly, Kaoru's wife exhaled now as though she was relieved, as though she had been unsettled or defensive by his call. With a little laugh, she responded, "Oh, of course. I'll tell him when he gets home that a... Terachi-san?... that a Terachi-san called for him." She had taken a moment to remember his name.
"Domo arigato." Shinya hung up.
He looked down at the bracelet on his wrist and sighed pensively, not sure what to think.
*
Over the next few weeks, Shinya accidentally made contact with Kaoru's wife several times. She never remembered who he was, however, and always seemed to think that he was a different person. Because of his soft voice, which he'd begun to use even more femininely than before he'd met Kaoru, simply out of impulse, she had even mistaken him for a woman on the phone several times.
Of course, being a man's mistress, Shinya had subconsciously begun looking, dressing, and acting more and more as a woman as it was. Even in the office where he worked, as Kaoru's friend's assistant, he had begun to wear his skirts in, and people would address him as "miss" and he would automatically respond as though it was nothing. He didn't really mind being mistaken for a woman. It didn't bother him, especially considering that Kaoru told him how much he liked his beauty, his softness, his femininity. Being treated like a woman by others, and conforming himself to look like one, was in his mind something worth doing because it satisfied Kaoru. And he felt comfortable this way, with his long hair and his makeup and dresses.
But Kaoru's wife never actually saw him.
While the two of them had been laying together the other night, Shinya had been unable to keep himself from asking more about her. "And your wife... she doesn't know...?"
Kaoru never wanted to talk about her. He seemed content with the idea of the two of them having their own little world, one where he could escape from his constant pressures and anxieties. He didn't like to talk about his own life---only to talk with Shinya about his, or other things. However, as his hands ran up and down Shinya's back, he leaned over him, murmuring as a response in his ear while kissing his neck, "She's suspicious, and I know she believes that I'm off somewhere with another woman. But she doesn't know."
Shinya nodded, and didn't resist when Kaoru kissed him on the lips, although his mind was independently still thinking. He knew it would have been a waste of time to ask whether Kaoru ever intended to tell her.
*
"Kaoru?"
Through the crack in the door, Shinya peeked out and smiled when he saw Kaoru standing there. He moved back and opened the door wider. At the moment, since it was early in the morning, he was wearing a feminine silk bathrobe, tied like a sash around his waist---it was a bit too big for him, and the extra material bagged out a bit around his torso, almost making it look as though he had breasts. His face was made up, because he had been in the bathroom getting ready when he'd heard his bell ring.
Kaoru looked him over briefly and smiled. "Good morning, Shinya... You busy?"
"No, of course not. I don't have to leave for work for a while, much later than you." Shinya kissed Kaoru on the cheek and allowed him to come in. "You don't usually come to see me on your way to work... Is this a special occasion?"
Kaoru shook his head as he removed his jacket and left his shoes in the small genkan area. "No. But I won't be able to come later tonight like we planned, so I wanted to make it up to you if I could."
"What?" Shinya blinked, disappointed, as he shut the door. "Why can't you come?"
With a shrug of his shoulders, Kaoru sighed. "It's a long story. My wife doesn't trust me anymore, and I know that she isn't right to---but it's getting out of hand. She has made me promise to spend more evenings at home with her, because she says that if I don't, she'll know that I'm somewhere with another woman. Apparently she's called my work on the nights when I say I have to work late or go away on a trip, and the people there tell her that I'm not there. So... in a way... she knows."
Shinya felt nervous to hear this. A crease formed between his eyebrows and he folded his arms over his chest, but didn't say anything.
"And I can't really stay too long... I have to finish as much work as possible when I'm at the office, or else I'll have to stay late, and that will give her even more reason to believe that I'm being unfaithful." Kaoru sighed again, watching Shinya and observing his inner dissatisfaction. As though trying to appease him, he came over and placed a kiss on his forehead, then his lips, holding Shinya's chin lightly and looking into his eyes. "I'm sorry. I would like to stay long enough to have some tea with you, if that's all right."
Shinya couldn't help but smile, although grudgingly. "Of course it's all right."
They both sat down at the table, after Shinya had pulled the pot of boiling water off the stove and brought it over. He poured Kaoru's tea for him, then his own, and they spoke briefly, although this time, both of them were thinking too hard to really speak about anything. Shinya blew on his tea lightly, inwardly feeling his stomach coiling into knots as he thought about Kaoru's wife. At last, Kaoru set down his empty teacup apologetically and stood.
"I have a meeting to get to in half an hour. I'm sorry that I can't stay longer..." He kissed Shinya again, this time strongly. "I wish I could stay forever!"
Shinya laughed a little and kissed his chin. "You'll be back soon enough."
With one last kiss goodbye, Kaoru put his coat back on, and with Shinya's help, straightened his tie. Both of them made sure that no traces of lipstick from Shinya's mouth lingered on Kaoru's face, and then, he headed out.
Shinya closed the door behind him with a sigh. 'I don't know what to do about this...'
He went back to the bathroom to touch up his lipstick. However, the moment he set foot on the cold bathroom tiles, he heard the bell ring again. Barely a second passed before the new visitor rang it a second time, impatiently.
Hurriedly, making sure that his robe was tied, Shinya hurried back across the apartment to the door. He stopped in front of it, brushed one hand down his hair a last time, and then opened the door.
"Yes...?" He stopped.
There was a young woman, perhaps twenty-five or twenty-six years old, standing just outside his door. She was dressed very nicely, in a dark blue dress with matching shoes and purse, and a brown overcoat. Her black hair was combed and pinned neatly, and her face was modestly made up. For a long moment as she stood there tensely, she stared at him, aghast, and then her beautiful face twisted slightly in anger.
"So you're the one."
Shinya blinked rapidly. "E-Excuse me? Who are you?"
"I am Niikura Sayoko." Her tone was frigidly cold, though shaky with anger. "Your lover is my husband."
The words struck Shinya like a slap across the face. Slowly his hand gripping the door frame slid down several inches, and he gaped at her, unable to think of any words. So this was Kaoru's wife. She was beautiful, as he'd heard, and had the look of a good woman---someone who in most cases would be perfectly mannered and sweet, but whose boundaries had been crossed to the point where now she didn't care anymore whether she displayed her fury.
"I knew that he was running around behind my back, I knew it. I could tell." She spoke rapidly, her red nails digging into her purse, and it was difficult to tell whether she was speaking to Shinya or herself. "I shouldn't have believed those excuses about needing to stay late at the office, go to meetings, work extra shifts... All of it was lies!"
Shinya swallowed. "N-N-Niikura-san, I..."
Kaoru's wife ignored him at first, looking everywhere but at his face, and then her eyes snapped over and locked on his. "I finally became smart enough to follow him on his way to work, and what did he do? Stop here, to... to... to see YOU." She choked on the words and stopped, shaking her head quickly. "Finally I know what's going on!"
"But..."
"You don't need to lie to me! I don't want to be lied to anymore. I know who you are, you... you... despicable woman," she finally managed to get out, as though the words tasted horrible.
'Despicable... woman?'
Shinya's eyes widened, and then he furrowed his brows. "Wait," he managed weakly, then realized as he spoke that his voice sounded even more high-pitched than usual, and he was about to clear his throat and lower it, but then realized that it would do no good at this point. "I don't think that you understand..."
"What is there not to understand?" Kaoru's wife shrieked at him. "How dare you ruin my home? How dare you? Who do you think you are?"
Shinya couldn't say anything. He stared at the floor.
"I can't believe that he would do this to me. He's always so honest, but... not about this." She shook her head again, looking lost and confused. "He can't love you, he can't. He only pays you and gives you presents and things, and buys you this nice apartment and gets you a job so it looks like you're making your own money. I know what he's been doing. I had someone look through our accounts---otherwise I never would have known the money was gone." She paused for a moment, looking so worked up that she nearly gave the impression of being near fainting. "I can't believe he would waste his money on you... on a whore..."
"I'm not a whore," Shinya whispered.
"Look at you, with your red lipstick and your dyed blonde hair! Answering the door in a bathrobe!" She gestured at him in wild disgust. "You look like trash! Don't you respect yourself at all? How could he ever want you? I don't understand it!" She shook her head again, frustrated. "Don't you care that you're only being used? That you're only his mistress?"
Shinya shook his head. "This may sound disrespectful, but I... I love him."
She stared at him, and then let out a laugh---not a humorous laugh, but a crazy disbelieving laugh, as though she'd seen so much today that something like this on top of it was really not so bad.
Finally Shinya managed to lift his eyes up off of the floor, focusing them on her face again. Half of him hated her for saying these things---but the other half of him hated himself. He probably did look like a whore, by her traditional standards. By someone else's, he would have been beautiful, but to a housewife... He shook his head, heart swelling with guilt and grief. Beyond her anger was obvious pain and distress, to learn the truth, that she was being betrayed. And he knew that he was the cause of it all.
"Niikura-san, I'm so... so sorry." He hung his head, closing his fingers around the sleeve of his bathrobe. "I never entered into this relationship with your husband in an attempt to help him hurt you. Originally I... I didn't know what to do, whether I should refuse, because I would never want to be involved in adultery. But he means so much to me. I couldn't let him go."
"Couldn't let him go?" Kaoru's wife repeated.
"But you don't know all the details of... our relationship." Shinya bit his lip, inwardly cursing himself with every obscene profanity---one habit he hadn't been able to get rid of---as he closed his eyes. "Please forgive me. I'm a man." The words came out quickly.
She looked at him as though he had burst into flames, although her eyes seemed to take in his powdered face and tall, slender form a bit more carefully, simply out of instinct. "Do you think I'm so stupid?"
"N-No!" He hurriedly shook his head. "It isn't your fault. I'm mistaken for a woman all the time, and I admit that I don't do much to disprove that... It's in my nature to dress this way and act this way. But I AM a man." Swallowing hard, he reached up, took ahold of the two sides of his bathrobe, and pulled. It didn't expose much of his body, but revealed the flatness of his chest---much too flat for him to be a woman.
Her lips parted quickly and her eyes seemed to grow impossibly huge, staring at that exposed part of his chest.
"You..."
Slowly she took one step forward, leaning to get a better look. But when her thoughts were confirmed and she realized that she wasn't just seeing things, she hurriedly took a step backwards, and then another, back out into the hallway. Clutching her purse tightly, her eyes darted from Shinya's face to his chest to his face again, trying in vain to piece all of this together and have it make sense in her mind. Apparently it finally did, for at that point she closed her mouth, although her eyes were still wide with shock, and turned on her heel. Her stride down the hallway was brisk and hurried, nearly a jog, and she lifted a hand to her face, out of his view, at one point before she entirely disappeared.
*
Shinya was too afraid to try to call Kaoru for the entire day at the office. He had spare time, and could have just picked up the phone and made a call---but he was terrified of what he might hear. However, on the train ride home, he finally thought it over and convinced himself to go through with it the moment he walked in his door.
Kaoru's voice was weary when he answered. "Moshi moshi?"
"Kaoru!"
"Shinya..."
Shinya bit on his nail. "Did something happen? I'm assuming that you know... that your wife followed you here this morning..."
"Of course." He sighed.
"And... And what did she say?"
There was a pause. "This is probably something we should talk about alone... I'll be over probably a little bit before eight o'clock tonight, and we'll go for a walk in the park. We can talk everything over then. Is that okay?"
"Of course it's okay with me," Shinya said, nodding. "But..."
He was about to ask whether Kaoru's wife would LET him leave, but at that moment Kaoru quickly said goodbye. Shinya merely returned the farewell and hung up the phone, going to change out of his work clothes into something more casual before Kaoru arrived.
*
When Kaoru arrived, Shinya opened the door for him hurriedly and was very quiet and polite, not wanting to say anything to offend him or upset him. In his mind, he was already miserable, having done enough. He could imagine the things that Kaoru's wife must have said to him upon his arrival at home, and he knew that everything was his fault.
Kaoru's expression, however, was the way it usually was. His pale, drawn face was only slightly more sullen, his eyes more resigned, as though he was repressing his emotions. All that gave away the truth was the heavy aura of sadness following him.
Curiously, Shinya remained silent during most of the walk, not wanting to push anything. But his mind was going crazy.
At first they walked side by side, on the busy streets. But as they turned towards the entrance to the park, and the number of people around them grew fewer and fewer, Shinya finally summed up the courage to take Kaoru's hand. The older man's grip was stiff and withdrawn at first, but he finally started to relax, apparently calmed by Shinya's presence.
The night was dark, but somehow comforting. The sky was cloudy and dim, and instead of being intimidating, its merging dark blues and grays seemed peaceful. Some stars showed from behind the partings in the clouds, but the moon was invisible, hidden somewhere behind a cloak of dark fog. It was slightly cold outside, that was true, but not bitingly cold---both of them were wearing jackets and gloves. The street lights glowed faintly, like lanterns leading them along and showing them the way.
"Kaoru," Shinya finally said quietly, stealing a glance over at him. "Please, tell me what happened."
Kaoru's pace slowed, and for the moment his eyes remained on the path ahead of them, not moving to return Shinya's glance. "I'm not sure what to think about everything." He spoke softly. "It all happened so quickly, and I never thought ahead before. I never planned what I would do if she found out. I was foolish---I thought that I would always be able to avoid it." There was a pause. "I never... intended to cheat on her. To hurt her was the last thing I wanted to do, but... I wasn't happy with her. I never loved her, and when I found you..."
Shinya's fingers unconsciously squeezed Kaoru's a bit tighter, and he said nothing, listening.
"When I arrived at home, she was waiting there for me, as always, but she wouldn't even let me say hello." Kaoru sighed tensely. "I couldn't believe it, hearing those words coming from her mouth, proving to me that it had been ridiculous for me to think I could live on happily like this forever. She told me that she couldn't believe I was so disrespectful, so selfish, so cruel, and that I had dishonored our marriage. I defended you from her, though---she said so many horrible things about you that I almost lost my temper entirely." He set his jaw, his eyes flashing, as he remembered something that caused him pain.
Shinya was slightly surprised, and his eyes slid over to Kaoru's face again, unsurely. "You didn't have to do that," he whispered. "I'm not sure that I'm worth defending."
"Of course you are," Kaoru said strongly, this time looking over at him, although they continued to walk. "Never say that, Shinya. I'm an honest man. I would never even think of betraying my wife, whether I love her or not, if I didn't love you completely. I would never compromise my beliefs or allow myself to lie if I didn't want nothing more than to be with you."
Slowly, Shinya's pace dwindled to a stop, and he looked up at Kaoru, stunned into a temporary silence. He took both of Kaoru's hands into his. "Kaoru..."
"It's true."
"But... your wife..." Shinya trailed off, moving his eyes away again in shame.
He could hear Kaoru draw in his breath and then let it out, slowly, very slowly, as his fingers gripped Shinya's just a bit more tightly. "My... My marriage is over, Shinya. Sayoko won't be my wife for much longer."
Shinya's gaze snapped back up again, enormously wide. "WHAT?"
Kaoru was looking away, brows furrowed in conflict. "She's going to divorce me on grounds of adultery. But... she told me that she doesn't want anything. She doesn't want our house---she just wants to leave and go back to her family. She's young... and she only wants to start all over again, with someone new, someone right for her." He spoke softly, as though trying to understand her motives, in his mind. "She doesn't even want our son. She doesn't want Akihito."
"She..." Shinya swallowed, but his mouth and throat felt dry, and the motion was painful and scraping on his voice, which came out roughly. "She's leaving you?"
All of a sudden he noticed that Kaoru's wedding ring was gone.
"Yes." Kaoru nodded and said nothing else for a long moment. Then he swallowed too, blinking quickly, and said, "Shinya, I... I don't know how to take care of a child by myself. I love Akihito, so much, but... can I be a good father to him if he has no mother? Since Sayoko always watched him, I hardly ever even realized that I was a father in the first place. I always felt too young to be a father, I don't know. I've never had to watch Akihito alone for a long time, or do things for him. I don't think I can do it..."
Shinya was alarmed. This was the first time he'd ever seen this kind of weakness and emotion in Kaoru's eyes before. It almost frightened him, or repelled him, but after a few moments of looking up into the older man's face, he realized that it actually endeared him.
"Don't worry so much," Shinya said softly, stroking the back of his hand. "Everything will be all right. I know it will. Akihito loves you, whether or not your wife is there."
Kaoru exhaled, but nodded.
"Thank you, Shinya. I'll... I'll try."
---to be continued---
Notes: You'd think that Kaoru's wife would have sensed something about Kaoru's preference when she married him. It's kind of difficult to picture Kaoru as being ENTIRELY gay, though, so perhaps he is bisexual, but just doesn't love Sayoko. Oh well. Please comment and give me your thoughts! I want to know what you think about what I've written so far before I try to finish the next chapter. Domo arigato.
To be continued
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