Title: Ochite Yuku (2)
Author: Scarlet Kozi
Genre: Drama, romance
Band: Dir en grey
Rating: R
Comments: I know what I'm doing with this, and it's strange, now that I'm looking at what I've just written here in this chapter---it would really be hard to predict it (not the first half, the last part). I don't know why, I just think about things like that. I love a good story where you have absolutely no idea of what's going to happen. When things are predictable, it's just boring. Unfortunately, people end up predicting my stories anyway >.< But what are your thoughts? I would love it if you sent me some comments! Thank you.
Warning: Explicit content in this chapter.
Kaoru walked with Shinya over to his car, an expensive, shining black model parked on the sidewalk. Shinya was curious about the way that Kaoru handled him: as though he was a doll, a precious, beautiful thing that could be broken or damaged somehow. Almost like a girl, a woman. After all, once they reached the black car, Kaoru held the door open for him---and Shinya had been about to get in, but Kaoru stopped him. He looked down at him, scrutinizing his face as he very carefully brushed his fingers over Shinya's lips and wiped away the smudges of lipstick that he had caused. It was as though he hadn't wanted to damage Shinya in even one small way.
Shinya felt strangely to be thought of like that. Although his clothing could have been worn by either a man or a woman, his hair was long, and he had put some makeup on his face, in hopes that it would make him more attractive to potential patrons. But he wasn't a woman.
As they rode silently in the car, the lights streaming by on the way to Shinya's apartment---for Shinya had already briefly given directions, rather ashamed, to where it was located---Shinya glanced over at Kaoru a bit hesitantly. Kaoru was sitting casually, his hand on the wheel, his eyes on the road, but he didn't appear stoic or harsh for not looking at Shinya. He seemed quiet, and deep in thought.
"How old are you?" Shinya asked hesitantly.
Kaoru was roused from his reverie, and he looked over at Shinya with a slightly amused, but also nervous smile. "Why, am I too old for you?"
Shinya raised his eyebrow. "No, you don't seem that way at all... It's just that I was wondering. I can't really tell."
"Mmm." Kaoru nodded. Another smile touched his lips, this time reassured. "Try to guess."
"A-Ano... Twenty-six?"
"Wrong."
"Twenty-nine?"
Kaoru shook his head. "No."
Shinya sighed to himself, already growing exasperated and slightly annoyed with this guessing game. "I don't know. Tell me."
"I'm twenty-seven," Kaoru finally admitting to him, his eyes dancing.
Shinya couldn't help but smile back. "How old do you think I am?" he asked now, softly.
Kaoru fell silent. "You look young. Twenty? Nineteen?"
Shinya put a hand over his mouth to hide his smile, shaking his head.
"Really? Twenty-one?"
Again, he shook his head. "No. I'm twenty-three."
"Twenty-three? Really," Kaoru said now, blinking several times. "You look younger than that."
Shinya remained silent. He wasn't sure whether that was a compliment or an unintentional insult. He did know that in the profession that he was trying to go into, one had to be very versatile---if a customer wanted them to be older, or younger, then there was no other choice. Shinya bit his lip, worried that he was too old. Of course, he was too young to be worrying whether he was too old, he chided himself.
At last, they arrived at Shinya's apartment. Kaoru questioned the younger man as they drove down the street, and Shinya quietly pointed out which of the buildings was his. Kaoru stopped his car in the parking garage, and then turned out the engine. Surprisingly, he got out quickly and went to Shinya's side, opening the door for him.
He held out a hand, and tentatively, Shinya took it, allowing himself to be pulled out of the car. When he was standing, he nearly tripped, but Kaoru helped him along.
Kaoru seemed slightly surprised at how small Shinya's apartment was. After all, it had basically only one room, and then the bathroom, hence the name one-room apartment. The kitchen, living room, and bedroom were all the same thing. Also, Shinya did not own a television, and the few pieces of furniture were small and humble. However, it seemed that the apartment was kept very neatly, with everything in its place. As Shinya shut the door behind Kaoru, the older man's eyes roved around the place, scanning the walls and items.
"I'm sorry... It's a little small..."
Kaoru only offered a smile and shook his head, not sure what to say. However, as he watched Shinya remove his coat, his eyes soon changed. Shinya went to turn on a light, but Kaoru came up behind him, and pressed his mouth to Shinya's ear, murmuring, "Are you ready?"
Shinya felt a chill of anticipation run up his spine, and forgot the light. "H-Hai..."
Kaoru took ahold of Shinya's hand. With that, the two of them began to cross the dark room, holding onto each other so as not to trip in the darkness. The territory was familiar to Shinya, but nonetheless he gripped Kaoru's hand and walked very carefully, not wanting to make a fool of himself by falling down. Kaoru simply seemed so handsome, charming, elegant---a person that he didn't want to make a bad impression on. Although it was probably too late for that...
When they paused by the futon, Kaoru slid his arms around Shinya's slender body and pulled him closer, pressing their mouths together. Shinya responded, parting his lips quickly for the tongue that started probing deeper.
Kaoru pulled away for a moment to remove his jacket and drape it on a chair, and then, kissing Shinya's throat, he started to remove Shinya's shirt. However, suddenly Shinya felt a flash of self-consciousness again. Jumping, he pulled back. There was just something about undressing in front of, or being undressed by, someone that he barely knew.
"W-Wait here, just a moment... I'll be right back..."
Reluctantly, Kaoru released him and nodded.
Shinya adjusted his sleeve anxiously, glanced at Kaoru one last time, and then headed away to the only other door in the apartment besides the entrance---the bathroom. He went to this one now, opening it quietly and turning on the light before shutting it behind him and closing himself away.
'I can't believe that this is happening...'
He didn't want to keep Kaoru waiting for too long, so he hurriedly started to undress himself, pulling his shirt off first. Once he was naked, he folded the clothing, quickly but neatly, setting it on the floor. He would attend to all of his things later on. Although the light was on in the bathroom, he flinched beneath it, wishing that he didn't feel so worried. He looked in the mirror, fidgeting a bit. 'I look all right,' he thought, touching his hair.
Just before leaving, he stopped. 'Wait a minute.'
Swallowing hard, Shinya winced and went over to the small shelf on the wall near the mirror. He pushed a few things out of the way and came out with a bottle of lubrication, which he glanced at for a moment, before hiding behind his back.
Finally, he turned off the light in the bathroom, then opened the door and walked out into the main room again.
"Kaoru-san..."
Kaoru was already undressed, and was sitting under the sheets of Shinya's futon. He saw the fragile figure, completely devoid of any covering, as it came towards the bed, and a smile came over his face. It was so dark that he couldn't make everything out clearly, but that didn't deter his appreciation at all. Shinya began to slide into the bed hesitantly, darting glances over at Kaoru.
Shinya mentally chalked it up to Kaoru's superior experience, why he didn't seem as anxious about being seen without clothing. Kaoru was thin too, although not quite as thin as Shinya---the suit made him seem more formidable than he looked after he took it off.
Shinya was surprised when Kaoru pulled him against him, and then down on top of his lap. "What are you doing?" he asked softly, his breath quickening.
"Shh..." Kaoru smiled at him again, catching his own breath. The smile was sweet.
Shinya was a bit uncomfortable in the position that he was in, his cheeks darkening to pink. He began to shift around, and then Kaoru's hands came up under his arms, helping him. Before he knew it, Shinya found himself straddling Kaoru's pale thighs, sitting in his lap, sprawled on top of him, his hands on the older man's chest to balance himself as he tried to avoid becoming too visibly aroused. "A-Ah..."
Kaoru watched Shinya's face, watched the apprehension there, the shy modesty as Shinya tried to move so that more private areas of himself were hidden. He seemed to feel very aware of himself at that moment. But Kaoru kissed Shinya's neck, placing his hands on his hips as though to hold him in place.
Kaoru lowered his head slightly to kiss Shinya's shoulder, as a few strands of black hair fell over his face. Shinya stared down at him, reaching out to touch that hair, just for a moment.
All of a sudden he felt as though he wanted to move away, now that he remembered that this was a stranger. It felt so wrong, knowing that he was going to be giving himself away like this, so cheaply, even if it was for money. But Shinya swallowed painfully, his fingers going back to his lips, as he remembered how large his bills were this month, and how incapable he was of paying them. What was the use of holding back now? Shinya banished all thoughts of modesty from his mind and returned to the present.
Kaoru smoothed his hands over Shinya's sides, brushing his hipbones again. Shinya was starting to notice how uncomfortably trapped their erections were against each other, but Kaoru seemed to be able to tolerate it much better than him. Shinya tilted his head to the side, holding onto Kaoru's arms, as Kaoru started sucking on his shoulder again, his fingers caressing Shinya's skin, resting on the small of his back, almost tickling him with their gentleness. Shinya's breath was shaky as Kaoru inched up against him, in a rhythm.
Shinya glanced down at Kaoru, seeing the slightly long black hair again, the eyes that were not focused on his own but on his hips. "I... I..." he tried to say.
"Shh." Kaoru placed his fingers over his lips. "Are you still sure you want to do this?"
Shinya nodded just a little bit again.
"Kirei," Kaoru whispered, pulling him closer now, touching his hair and bringing a few long strands into his fingers, pressing his lips against them. "I've never seen anyone like you before..."
Shinya murmured under the flattery.
"You're so perfect."
Shinya had heard all of this before, every word. A voice in his mind told him not to take it to heart, because of course, Kaoru wanted one thing from him, and he would probably have resorted to saying anything if he knew that it would make it easier for him to get it. But the sweet phrases still made his blush intensify and his heart speed up.
"I feel so lucky that I can be with you." Kaoru kissed his nose.
His lips traveled lower again, quickly, and Shinya moaned softly when the older man kissed his neck, and when hands caressed his back, shifting through his hair. "Wait," he just barely managed to say, and reached over on the sheets of the futon to the bottle that he had dropped, the moment that Kaoru's arms had looped around him. Kaoru seemed reluctant to let him pull away, but Shinya placed one hand on his chest to push him down as his fingers coiled around the bottle. Then, taking one of Kaoru's hands, he pressed the bottle into it, sure that his face was growing quite red.
"H-Here."
Kaoru blinked, and then, as though his eyes were unfocused, looked down and saw the item being offered to him. "Oh," he said finally, nodding, and his eyes dawned with awareness. "I nearly forgot."
As he took the bottle, he repositioned Shinya on his lap where he had been before. He pretended not to notice Shinya's anxious eyes and flushing cheeks, as he opened the bottle and poured some of the contents onto his fingers. Shinya watched, biting his lip. Then Kaoru set the bottle aside, somewhere off on the ground.
Kaoru wrapped one arm around Shinya's body, smiling at him, and then reached beneath him with the other hand. At first Shinya's eyes followed the path of his hand, but then it disappeared from view, and all he could do as he slipped his arms around Kaoru's neck was gaze into the older man's eyes.
Kaoru's lubricated fingers found his entrance, and one slipped in first. Shinya had felt this before, but the coldness of the gel took him by surprised, and he breathed in a bit deeply. When the second one followed, he felt a slight twinge of pain, but bit down on his lip to prevent making a fool out of himself, tightening his arms around Kaoru's neck. He felt so strange, hugging a stranger, while those slender unfamiliar fingers probed at his body. The fingers stretched his muscles, feeling around, and then, when the third finger moved inside him, he pressed his own fingertips into Kaoru's shoulders, getting used to it.
To find something to concentrate on, Shinya kissed Kaoru's lips now, desperately. Kaoru seemed surprised, but responded. Meanwhile, he took his free hand away from Shinya's back and allowed it to travel down the front of his slender form, caressing for a moment and eliciting a tiny moan from him, and then it reached Shinya's lower anatomy.
Kaoru started stroking softly, while pulling his head back to watch Shinya's face, searching him for his reaction. At the same time, he pushed his fingers slightly deeper into Shinya's body, then pulled them out, then pushed them in again, in time with his stroking.
Shinya hated making feminine noises, but accidentally a whimper came out of him. "Oh..."
Kaoru kissed Shinya's cheek, then his jaw, then his chin. When he kissed Shinya's throat, his lips barely brushed over the skin.
"Mmm... please..."
Kaoru began to suck on Shinya's white throat, rolling his tongue over the skin and then blowing air on it lightly, cooling the moisture. Shinya shuddered slightly, and it continued for several moments, until suddenly... Kaoru stopped. Shinya froze out of instinct. The pleasure had been growing and growing, and now, in its absence, he could hear his own ragged breathing. He looked down at Kaoru both curiously and nervously. Was Kaoru unsatisfied with him? Was this still going to happen?
"W-What's wrong?"
Kaoru gazed up at him. "I can't wait any longer. Are you ready?"
Shinya gave no response, only swallowed. Kaoru took this as an affirmative and smiled slightly, releasing Shinya's length. At the same time, he slowly drew his fingers out of Shinya's body, wiping them off on the sheets before placing his hand on Shinya's hip. Shinya was quivering, as Kaoru opened his legs wider and brought them up slightly, while Shinya straddled him more broadly. Kaoru kissed Shinya's neck one last time, and then pulled Shinya against him.
Shinya braced himself, taking a long, deep breath, and began to lift himself up a bit, as Kaoru helped both of them position themselves. With his hands on Shinya's hips, he brought his body up and Shinya's body down, slowly entering the younger man.
Shinya gasped softly and dug his fingernails into Kaoru's shoulders, gritting his teeth together. It hurt more than he remembered, but at the same time, it was more enjoyable. Abruptly his vision turned more blurry, but he fought against it, moving only downward, something rippling inside him even as he brought more of Kaoru into him.
Kaoru kissed Shinya's forehead faintly, but at last he forced Shinya to slow down when he realized that he would hurt himself otherwise. "Slow down..."
Shinya nodded, but moaned softly. "Oh..."
Kaoru gazed up at the body crouching over his. It was so slender that it looked as though he could easily have broken it. Shinya seemed weak somehow, frail, young, all of which was the truth. Kaoru realized that Shinya wouldn't be able to do much more of this by himself. He took ahold of Shinya's hips again and continued to lower the younger man down onto him, burying his face in Shinya's neck, nuzzling against him to stifle his own, lower gasps.
Shinya continued to fight for air, as Kaoru pushed into him a third, then a fourth time, bringing their hips together again and again. Shinya tightened his thighs around Kaoru's waist, his arms around the older man's neck, feeling only pleasure at this point.
At that moment, he didn't care about the fact that he was whoring himself. All he could concentrate on was this sensation of his body being rocked, embraced. He purposefully tuned his mind out from thinking of anything else.
"Ah!" Shinya actually screamed, when Kaoru, losing control, thrust up into him, penetrating him almost too deep. He could feel Kaoru throbbing inside of him, his breath coming out on his cheek.
Kaoru let out a long, low moan, gasping, and then pushed into Shinya one last time. He released inside of Shinya's body, his arms trembling as they still firmly clasped the younger man against him, and as he felt this, Shinya also couldn't hold it in any longer. His body on fire, he ground his hips against Kaoru's and then gave a shudder, reaching orgasm.
Weakened, Kaoru let his head fall back onto the pillows, and Shinya collapsed entirely against his chest, his head upon his shoulder. Both of them fell asleep almost instantly.
*
Morning slowly broke, the sound of cars outside signaling the dawn of a new day.
Shinya opened his eyes. "Mmm...?"
Where was he? He was laying in bed, in his futon, on the floor. The sun was gleaming outside the windows, trying relentlessly to enter into the room despite the blinds drawn over the panes. Shinya looked down and noticed that he was still naked, but his body had a thin sheen of dried sweat, from the previous night. His hair was knotty as it lay on the pillows beside his head. The sheets clung to him uncomfortably.
Shinya remembered last night immediately. His eyes widened. Obviously, Kaoru was not here, but then, he hadn't expected him to be. He HAD, however, done the entire thing in hopes that he would get paid... although...
Glancing over, the only thing that Shinya saw next to him on the futon was a piece of paper.
Shinya blinked, and as the seconds passed, he finally drew himself up, the sheets falling down around his waist and his hair sliding from the pillow to his back, granting him an uncomfortable feeling. He reached over finally and picked up the folded paper, hearing the tiny crinkle.
"Shinya... Thank you for a lovely night. I would like to speak more with you. Please meet me tonight for dinner at seven o'clock. Niikura Kaoru."
Shinya glanced down at the address beneath the signature, of a fancy restaurant.
Kaoru wanted to take him out to dinner? Shinya slowly furrowed his brows. His heart began beating faster, and as though there was still someone there to see, his cheeks flushed. Clearly Kaoru was interested in him---otherwise he would have just left some money on the futon when he left, no note like this, no invitation.
'If he wants to meet me at a restaurant like THAT, then I have to find something better to wear...'
*
Shinya stepped out of the taxi uncertainly, his heel making a slight click on the cold, damp pavement underneath. Wrapping his black fur-trimmed coat around himself, he touched his hair with one hand carefully, feeling self-conscious.
He hadn't known what to wear at all, so had just donned a pair of formal black slacks, a matching jacket, and a dark red shirt beneath. It was cold, so he had also worn a coat. Now outside in the dark evening, as the cars raced behind him on the street, he wondered whether he had dressed too casually, or too carefully. What was one expected to wear to a dinner like this? He was suitable for the restaurant itself, but the nature of the "date" itself...
He heard the door slam shut behind him and remembered just in time that he had to pay the taxi driver. Hurriedly he turned around, wide-eyed, and rummaged through the bag that he was carrying with him, coming over to the driver's window.
"How much?"
"Two-thousand yen." The driver was tapping his fingers impatiently on the windowsill, as though in a great rush.
Shinya had just closed his fingers on the money in his wallet when a hand suddenly reached around him, from behind, and held out identical notes towards the window. Shinya's eyes widened, and the driver seemed slightly surprised, but didn't protest as he took the money and thanked the donor once. Then the window shut, and there was the abrasive sound of the tires screeching forward again. The taxi lurched, and then sped off, immediately earning an annoyed honk from another driver who was cut off at the intrusion.
Shinya stared after the taxi for one moment and then slowly turned his head.
Kaoru was standing behind him on the sidewalk, dressed even more nicely than he had been the previous night at the club. There didn't seem to be a single speck of dust on his suit or his long overcoat, and his hair was nicely brushed and styled. When he noticed Shinya looking at him, he only smiled and bowed slightly.
"Shinya."
"You... You didn't have to pay for me," Shinya could only say at first, shaking his head. "Here, let me give you the money..." He started to pull the twenty-thousand yen out of his bag, intending to hold it out as an offering.
Kaoru shook his head also. "No, no, I wanted to pay."
"But..."
"I insist." His smile returned.
Something that Shinya saw residing there in his slightly curled lips made him put the money away again and nod his head quickly, removing his hand from his bag. He tried to look up at Kaoru's face again as an evening wind blew some strands of hair over his eyes, but couldn't do it, his face flushing. After all, they HAD had sex last night. He had been expecting to never see Kaoru again, after that morning, but now they were right in front of each other, on the sidewalk in front of a prominent restaurant.
Kaoru held out his arm towards him, an eyebrow raised expectantly. "Well? Don't you want to go inside?"
"Ah, hai." Shinya nodded again, and hesitantly slid his arm through Kaoru's, feeling awkward. Once again, he felt the distinct impression that he was being looked upon like a woman, someone weaker but beautiful, to be protected and guided along. The thought didn't entirely displease him---it was just something he would need to think about.
They walked towards the door, which was held open for them by one of the employees sweeping in front of the main entrance. Kaoru allowed Shinya to enter first, which he did with badly hidden awe, glancing around at the elegant atmosphere. It was a place that simply reeked of high taste and snooty people. After someone took his coat, and Shinya had been looking around for a little while as they were shown to their seat, he almost had to restrain the impulse to wrinkle his nose in distaste. Most of the people that he was going to be eating with, in this restaurant, were no different than the kind of people who sneered on those lower than them. He disliked the idea of a person being inferior to another, and wasn't sure that he could accept the fact that Kaoru was among the ranks of such high-bred society.
As they reached their table, a waiter pulled out their chairs for them, arranged the napkins, set down menus, and turned over the water glasses. Shinya eyed his fork and knife and didn't look up more than once, to offer a "thank you" to the waiter before he left them with a few moments to decide.
Kaoru, although he pretended to muse over his menu, continually stole glances across the table at Shinya. "What do you think you'll want?" he asked at last.
"I'm not sure yet..." Shinya looked at all of the foreign dishes until the words on the menu all began to bleed together. Then finally he noticed the prices, and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. His knuckles turning white as he gripped the menu, he stared over it suddenly at Kaoru. "Kaoru-san...!"
"Nani?"
"Everything is so expensive," he whispered, although suddenly he felt pitiful for mentioning it.
"So?"
Shinya's eyes flicked up at him.
Kaoru watched him for a moment, and then, he started to smile. His eyes, as they had been before, were gentle, a surprising contrast to the intimidating sharpness of his features. "Don't worry about that. I can afford it. Just, please, order whatever you would like."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course."
However, even when the waiter returned, Shinya was at a loss for what to order. It wasn't even so much the prices anymore, but the food itself---he barely knew what half of the entrees listed were comprised of. After Kaoru ordered and the waiter's eyes expectantly lingered on him, Shinya hurriedly set down his menu and simply ordered the same thing. Kaoru smiled at him in a way that Shinya hoped the waiter did not notice. Fortunately, the man simply picked up the menus and disappeared.
There was an awkward silence as they waited for their food. Or, it felt awkward for Shinya. He repeatedly sipped from his water, keeping his eyes schooled down on the place in front of him.
Finally, he looked up, unable to avoid it any longer.
The candles on the table were most likely meant more for sophistication and style, rather than romanticism, but they seemed to cast an amorous glow to Kaoru's heavy-lidded eyes and high-cheeked face. If he was smiling at all, the light from the tiny flames elongated the shadows of his lips and made it more noticeable. Shinya observed the older man, illuminated by the light. Very handsome, in the end, even if he was unusual.
"Kaoru-san..."
"Hai?" Kaoru had been looking at him the entire time, so did not seem surprised to hear his voice.
"First, allow me to thank you for inviting me here," Shinya began, in a quiet voice. For some reason, he felt paranoid and suspicious, as though every person in the room was staring over at them and could tell exactly what they had done last night and what was going through both of their minds. It made him uneasy, and he swallowed and took a quick sip of water before continuing.
Kaoru smiled easily, leaning his elbows on the table and his chin on his fists. "You don't need to thank me. I should thank you for coming. And..."
"Y-Yes?"
"I made some phone calls today, and did some research, and I think that I've found something for you." His smile widened.
"Found something?" Shinya repeated. "Found what?"
"A job."
"Wait, wait." His face darkened in confusion, as he pushed some hair back over his shoulder. "You... You got me a JOB?"
Kaoru looked at him expressionlessly for a moment, then a ghost of the smile returned. "You told me last night that you were practically poor---that no one would hire you and you were close to giving up your apartment and living on the streets. I can tell you're not the kind of person who would resort to selling your body for any other reason. And this morning, I... well, I couldn't just bear to leave some money and walk out. Because there might not be other people like me. A life like that is dangerous, not something for someone like you."
"So you..." Shinya trailed off.
"One of my good friends is a lawyer, and she needs an assistant." He paused, and then looked up at Shinya to confirm. "You could handle a job like that, couldn't you? I mean, you graduated high school."
"Yes," Shinya managed, nodding.
"I told her that she should stop accepting applicants, because I had found someone who needed the job very badly." To see the look on Shinya's face, he shook his head. "I didn't tell her much about you, just that you were young and could do the work that she needed you to do. It would pay you enough to survive easily, and you wouldn't have to do anything... horrible, to support yourself." Disapproval and anxiety were evident in his tone, as he thought back to the possibility of Shinya selling himself.
As though he still didn't understand, Shinya tried to put everything together in his mind. "So you're telling me that I have a job," he said, his eyes wide.
Kaoru smiled again. "Un."
In a normal situation, Shinya would have felt suspicious, defensive, and wouldn't have accepted a job from a near-stranger so quickly, without even hearing who he'd be working for and how Kaoru had convinced someone to hire him. But the way things were now... he knew that any job he could find would be more than enough, and on top of that, there were no signals leading him to believe that there was any reason he shouldn't trust Kaoru.
"But I... I have to ask..."
"Yes?"
"Why else did you invite me?" Shinya felt a boost of confidence suddenly, as his thoughts traveled to a more contemplative area, and he looked straight at Kaoru with slightly furrowed brows. "There must be another reason, besides wanting to give me a job. I didn't expect that I would see you again, after... last night. I definitely didn't think that you would ask me out to dinner."
Kaoru nodded slowly, and fell silent, carefully thinking out his words as his eyes fixed on one of the little candle flames. Shinya watched him, waiting, feeling nervous at the possibilities of his response.
Finally Kaoru's eyes shifted away from the flame and onto the table, which was laid with a fine, lacy table cloth. One of Shinya's hands was resting in his lap, but the other had been set on the table, and was resting there idly. Kaoru studied Shinya's slender hand for a moment, his fingernails gleaming in the light, and then, he reached out and laid his own hand on top of Shinya's. The younger man almost pulled back out of surprise, but recovered quickly and looked up at Kaoru with an uncertain expression.
"Kaoru-san..."
"I would like to continue seeing you," Kaoru said quietly, gazing into his eyes.
Shinya blinked, too shocked to speak.
"That is, if you don't mind. If you feel the same way." The words were polite, but said in a low, sweet tone of voice, conveying that Kaoru's feelings were not entirely restrained. A touch of a smile lit up his face, as he awaited Shinya's response.
Shinya struggled for words in his mind. Clearly, Kaoru was asking him if he would become his lover. And when Shinya had planned to leave his home and come to a larger city, possibly make something out of himself, now that he'd finished high school, he had never considered the idea of him becoming an older man's paramour. Feeling Kaoru's hand, small but powerful, resting on top of his own, he gave a small shiver, half out of inner pleasure and half out of anxiety. He didn't know what to say. Should he agree? Refuse? He already felt strongly attracted to Kaoru, not only because of what had happened the previous night---not only because he wanted it to happen again. He didn't feel obligated to accept simply because Kaoru had given him the job; somehow he knew that Kaoru wouldn't sneer at him and turn him into the street if he refused. Therefore...
As he began to open his mouth to speak, Shinya's eyes subconsciously opened again and paused on their two hands. Abruptly he stopped speaking.
The candle illuminated the thin gold band on Kaoru's finger wonderfully.
Shinya stared at it for several long moments. Then, feeling an icy sensation filling his veins, he drew his hand away, out from under Kaoru's, from a sudden impulse.
Kaoru seemed stunned at first, his brows drawing together quickly as he tried to search Shinya's face for a reason. Apparently something he saw in Shinya's confused, dazed expression gave him a hint, making him look down at his own hand and see, for the millionth time, the ring that Shinya had been so surprised to finally observe. Slowly Kaoru's expression softened with something as well as with slight guilt. He leaned forward slightly, so he wouldn't have to speak in a loud voice.
"Shinya, I... I know it might surprise you. But you have to understand." He paused again, always calculating before he said anything. "When people start telling you that you can't be anything in life unless you have money and a perfect family, you have no choice but to do everything they want, because you know that if you don't, you'll end up as nothing. I couldn't let down my mother and my father. I needed to prove myself." He swallowed. "I didn't want to get married, but I had to. Do you know what I mean? My wife is a beautiful and intelligent woman, and she has a good heart, but I still didn't want to marry her. It's a deadly world out there, and you have to do everything you can to survive."
The pattern on the lush floor carpet was very blurry at this point, as Shinya stared at it very hard. There was a large difference between being a bachelor's lover and being a married man's lover. At least, there was in his mind. He couldn't banish the feeling, the cold, heavy, uncomfortable feeling in his heart, at the idea of helping someone to betray a devoted wife...
"Please, Shinya. Don't turn me away. I've been searching my entire life for someone like you. It hasn't been that long, granted, but... seeing you last night, I knew that I couldn't let you get away. Under circumstances like these, it won't be easy, but I can't just say goodbye."
Shinya finally blinked several times, allowing the carpet to go back into focus, and he looked up again, over the candlelight at the man sitting across from him.
Kaoru's face looked pleading now, still refined, but pleading. His hand was still resting on the table, open, awaiting.
Shinya sat there, silently, for a full minute.
And finally, he nodded his head and placed his hand in Kaoru's.
---to be continued---
Notes: For some reason, it's both easy and hard to think of Kaoru as a married man. More hard than easy, though. Just to those of you who might be wondering (because someone did ask), Shinya and Kaoru aren't going to be the only members of Dir en grey that will appear in this fanfic... One more is coming. I feel kind of bad about neglecting the other two, but there really wasn't a place for them. I still love them! Okay, enough rambling. Please, please, please comment.
To be continued
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