Title: Any Way You Can
Author: Psy ([email protected])
Genre: I've decided it's romance (finally! I make a decision!)
Rating: PG-13
Band: Dir en grey
Pairing: Shinya and Kyo
Comments: This fic has now been officially dedicated to my dear friend Spring, my latest recruit to my ever-growing JRock Tribe (name contributed by my friend Kumi). It's fun corrupting people and there's no one I'd rather corrupt! =P Much love and hugs, Spring!
This part is written entirely in Kyo's P.O.V, rather than in the previous parts, which were mainly Shinya's. I wanted to shift gears and focus on what's going on in Kyo's head this time. Hope you enjoy!
Any Way You Can
by Psy
Part Four
Kyo decided to walk back to the hotel from the restaurant, even though he
figured it'd take him about an hour to get there. He didn't care. He had to
think. In the back of his mind he kept seeing Shinya; the stern look on his
beautiful face as he lectured Kyo about eating steak; the surprised and
dreamy look that had come over his face when Kyo's lips made contact with
his; and finally the confused, sad, and hurt look in his teary eyes just
before he'd fled the restaurant.
The small vocalist hadn't stayed at the restaurant long after Shinya had
left. He'd sat stunned and quite confused himself for several minutes before
throwing some money on the table to pay for their drinks and leaving.
"Man," he said aloud as he walked down the street. "Why'd he say that? I
don't get it..." Kyo ran a hand through his blond hair, mussing it up,
shaking his head. "Why did I DO that?!"
He slowed his pace and began to drag his feet. Why did I do that? he
asked himself again, this time inside his head (a couple people had looked at
him funny when he was talking out loud). 'Cause that damn skinny drummer
wouldn't shut the hell up! Kyo answered himself.
Is that really the reason you kissed him? a voice in the back of his head
asked.
"Yes, dammit!" Kyo hissed through clenched teeth, sending an evil glare
at the people who raised their eyebrows at him. They quickly looked away. He
decided to pick up the pace again.
Really? the voice asked mockingly. Are you sure you're being honest with
yourself?
Why wouldn't I be honest with myself? Kyo shot back silently. What other
reason would I have to kiss him?!
Because you care about him.
Of course I do! Kyo sighed loudly, not in the least bit disturbed by the
slightly schizo conversation he was having with himself. He's one of my best
friends. We have a lot in common: we're both misunderstood and
underappreciated, we both feel lonely and insecure sometimes...He stopped in
mid-thought and frowned. I never really realized how much Shin-chan and I
have in common, he thought.
You care about him.
Stop saying that! Had that thought been vocalized it would have come out
as a low growl. And it would be partly due to the fact that Kyo felt his cheeks
burning as he blushed and it really pissed him off that he was fucking
blushing over such a stupid thought!
You're in love with him, Kyo. The voice said softly. Admit it: You,
Niimura Tohru, otherwise known as Kyo, are in love with Terachi Shinya.
"I AM NOT!" Kyo shouted angrily, stopping to glower at his reflection in
a shop window. He'd reached a pretty empty part of town. Only a few people
were wandering the streets...that doesn't mean they didn't give the petite
man odd looks, it just means that Kyo didn't really care at the moment.
Besides, it was more satisfying to shoot his frightening looks to a large
group of people than just a handful.
As he glared at himself, Kyo got increasingly more angry. He hated
himself for having these stupid thoughts. He hated how ugly he looked,
pouting and furrowing his brows. He suddenly hated everything about himself.
(psy: aww...when will our beloved Kyo ever learn how gorgeous he is?!) A
sudden thought flashed through his mind...
"You need to find somebody to fight your battles for you."
"Anou...I already have someone in mind, but..."
"Hontou? Lemme guess: you haven't told them how you feel."
"No..."
"Well, why the hell not?!"
"I don't think he...uh...they feel the same way."
"He? Oh...so maybe you're a little shy 'cause it's another guy? Yep, that
must be it. "
His features softened as he recalled that conversation with Shinya only a
few days ago. Realization dawned on him.
"That wasn't it," Kyo said quietly to his reflection. "He doesn't care
that it's a guy. He...Holy fuck! It's me! Shinya likes me!"
Kyo slowly turned from the store window, his face a mask of stunned
revelation. He continued walking not really paying attention to where he was
going, but still somehow managing to make it to the hotel, only one thought
going through his mind: Shinya. Beautiful, slender, tall, feminine Shinya
likes ME. He likes ME. Why does he like me?
When next Kyo's attention returned to the world around him, he was paused
outside the hotel bar. He could see Die sitting in a corner table grinning
like a fool at a leggy brunette, who giggled and simpered at him. Two seconds
of looking at them made Kyo want to retch. Nonetheless, he entered the bar
and sat at the counter, ordering something strong. He had just gotten his
drink when someone sat on the barstool next to him.
"Hey, Kyo, you look like hell," Die informed him with a wry smile on his
face.
Kyo looked at him out of the corner of his eye and growled, "You wanna
keep the rest of that crazy red hair you've got?"
Die gulped, a hand touching his shockingly red hair protectively.
"Uh...gomenasai." Kyo returned his focus to his drink. "What's wrong?"
The vocalist sighed heavily. "I really don't wanna talk about it."
"Not you, too!" the guitarist groaned.
"What are you talking about?" Kyo turned his head and frownd.
Die shrugged his slender shoulders. "When I was coming down here about an
hour or so ago, I ran into Shinya. He was crying. And I mean, like totally
sobbing like his best friend died or somebody'd just stomped on his heart or
something." Kyo winced slightly, but Die didn't notice. "So I asked him what
was wrong. I hate seeing him cry, you know. I mean he looks so delicate
and..."
"Get on with it, Die!" Kyo commanded.
"Uh...right. So anyway, I asked him what was wrong and he just shook his
head and said he didn't want to talk about it. Then he ran past me and caught
the elevator back to his room. I'm kinda worried about him." Die paused when
the bartender came over and asked him for a drink order. He ordered a beer
and turned back to Kyo. "Hey, wasn't he out with you tonight?"
Kyo nodded. "Yeah..."
"You know what happened to him?" Die inquired.
Kyo contemplated Die's face. He seemed genuinely concerned for the
drummer. The blond vocalist wondered if he could tell Die what
happened...that is, without having to hear about it for the rest of his
natural life. With his rotten luck, Die'd even tease him in the afterlife. So
much for resting in peace!
"I..." Kyo began, his voice catching in his throat. "I...think that
Shinya might have a thing for me..."
Die's eyes widened and he let out a strange choking sound. "What?"
Kyo quickly, against his better judgement, told him about the kiss and
what Shinya had said. Then, putting an elbow on the bar counter, he leaned
his head on his hand and waited for the jesting to begin. To his immense
confusion, Die merely sat there, a serious expression on his face. He
appeared to be deep in thought. Kyo didn't think he liked the idea of Die
being "deep in thought." That usually led to trouble, in his opinion.
"Well...what do you think, Die?" Kyo ventured.
"I think that you need think about this," he answered.
Kyo scowled. "What the fuck does that mean?!"
"Why'd you kiss him?"
"To shut him up!" Kyo said, a bit too insistently. "He got on another of
his health rants and I wasn't in the mood for it."
"You sure about that?" Die asked gently, noting the doubt that flashed
across the vocalist's face.
Kyo remained silent for several long moments, downing the rest his drink
in one gulp and ordering another when the bartender returned with Die's beer.
Finally he sighed and dropped his head to the counter.
"Kyo?" Die placed a hand on his back, praying that he'd get it back.
The younger man shook his head slowly.
You know the real reason. That voice returned, louder and more insistent.
You've known it for quite some time. Even before you figured out that he
loved you. Why can't you admit to it? Why is it so hard for you to admit that
you love someone? That you love him? What are you afraid of?
The same things I've always been afraid of, Kyo answered himself
silently, feeling defeated. Rejection, heartache, trusting someone, allowing
them to see every part of me...thereby giving them a reason to reject me and
hurt me and throw me away like the useless thing that I am.
Do you really think so little of Shinya to believe that he would do those
things? Do you really believe that he thinks you're useless?
I...don't know, Kyo sighed.
"Kyo?" Die's voice broke through his thoughts.
"No." Kyo muttered.
Die blinked and raised an eyebrow. "Huh?"
Kyo raised his head and sat up straight, looking Die directly in the eye.
"No, I'm not sure that I kissed him only to shut him up."
"Oh..."
Paranoid anger started seeping into Kyo. "What, you think I'm a freak
now?"
"No! God, no!" Die held up his hands defensively. "What are you talking
about? If you and Shinya wanna get together and fuck like bunnies, what do I
care? Take it easy!"
"Gomen ne," Kyo apologized, once more running his fingers through his
messy blond hair. "I'm just...It's just that...Aw, fuck! I don't know!" He
sighed again and groaned, dropping his head back to the counter and banging
against it a couple of times.
Die made a face. "Ouch. Stop that, Kyo." The blond ceased his
head-banging (psy: get it? Head-banging?! hee hee...hee?). They sat quietly
for a few minutes before Die spoke again. "Maybe...you should go talk to him.
Maybe it'll help you figure it out for sure."
The head turned, not leaving the countertop. "Ya think?"
The red-head shrugged, taking a swig of beer. "How the hell should I
know? But it's worth a shot, don'tcha think?"
Kyo raised his head and nodded slowly. "Yeah. Yeah, you're probably
right." He laid some bills on the counter for his drinks (even the one he
hadn't touched yet) and turned to leave, but stopped. "Hey, Die?"
"Yeah?"
Kyo regarded the tall guitarist with what came close to awe at his
up-until-now-hidden ability to be serious and actually kinda helpful.
"Arigatou."
Die beamed at his friend. "No problem. And before you ask, I won't make
fun of you guys about this, whether you get together or not. However..." he
paused for dramatic effect and Kyo raised a pierced eyebrow. "Next time I
draw the short end of the stick and have to wake you up, just promise you
won't shave me bald!"
They both burst into laughter and Kyo promised to give him three "Wake Up
Kyo Repurcussion-Free" cards for being such a pal. He then made his way
through the hotel lobby and caught the elevator up to the floor that the
members of Dir en grey were staying on. Taking a deep breath, Kyo stepped off
the elevator and walked to Shinya's room.
Well, this is it, he thought. Do I really wanna do this? Am I even sure I
know what I'm doing? Or how I feel?
Kyo shook his head. "Baka," he whispered. "You're doing this to set
things straight; clear things up. Stop being so fucking neurotic!"
Squaring his small shoulders, Kyo knocked on the door and waited. And
waited. And waited. And...well, you get the idea! Chewing on his lip ring and
frowning a little, he knocked again, harder this time.
"Go away!"
He could hear the tears in Shinya's hoarse, dejected command and felt his
heart retract painfully. He felt like such an asshole.
"Sh...Shinya, it's Kyo," he called out. "Can I come in?"
"Kyo?" Shinya sounded surprised. A few moments later, the door opened,
but only a little bit and the drummer's face appeared in the crack of the
doorway. "What are you doing here?"
Kyo felt an odd, uncomfortable sensation at the sight of Shinya's red,
tear-swollen eyes. Guilt, he told himself. It's guilt. He cleared his throat
nervously and pushed open the door, causing Shinya to jump back. "We have to
talk," he said, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.
______________________________________________________________________________
Ooh...I wonder what's gonna happen!
*someone whispers in her ear*
Oh yeah...at any rate, yes I know I said that I was foreseeing yaoi-ness in
this part, but...well, I got the idea about writing this part from Kyo's
P.O.V., so I kinda screwed up my writing schedule. Gomen ne! But, they're
alone in a hotel room now! That's a good sign! *grin*
Until next time, minna!
To be continued
To the next part