The First Time
By ~ Lizzie~
DISCLAIMER: Like I’ve said before, if I owned Dir en Grey I wouldn’t be writing fanfiction, I’d be living it! So don’t sue because you’ll not get anything anyway seeing as I don’t have much to begin with…
I watched you all day. It was during practice. I had positioned myself perfectly to get a good view of you. It didn’t matter to me that I was removed from the rest of the band; it only matters that I can look at you when I want to. I found that I play my part much better when I can see you at least out of the corner of my eye. I make fewer mistakes when you’re in my line of sight. And anything that makes me play better makes Kaoru happier. After all, I’m the only bassist, and there’s no one else to cover for me if I make a mistake.
Whenever I see you, my heart begins to flutter. I hate that reaction, that feeling of not being in control of myself. I hate that I get an adrenaline rush each time you flash a tentative smile at me, even if it is just friendly. But I don’t hate you, I love you. I’ll never be able to say those words to you, because you have another. But I can say them to my heart, like a healing salve to open wounds. You drive me crazy with your playing and your innocence. Each look you happen to send in my direction stabs into my heart. But the pain is welcome; it is the pain of love. And saying ‘I love you’, even if just to myself, calms the burning.
You’ll never know what you do to me; the precious, sweet agony that you put me through each time we’re in the same room together. You, who are always quiet and subdued in public, but playful and happy when it’s just us, just Dir en Grey. Your heart is the only thing I want in the world, but it is also the only thing in the world that I can’t have. I know this, and so I’ve tried to protect myself. I go out and party, I "go out" with a different person each night. But inside, the only one I want is you.
As long as you’re happy, I am too, but…
* * *
You had moved today. I was very disappointed, but I didn’t let on anything. I just kept playing, wondering if I had done something to offend you, because it seemed like you were as far from me as possible. You had to turn and face us to see us, you were so far away.
I have to admit, I missed seeing you in front of me; I missed feeling your presence near me. It seems to calm me when I see your body moving, playing along to my beat. Though I’m exerting myself with each bang of the snare, with each beat of the bass, and with every crash of the cymbals, my heart doesn’t race. It used to, but now I just look at you and I get a second wind. I’ve never told you any of this, because it doesn’t seem appropriate. I mean, you might take it as me hitting on you, but I wouldn’t be. I already have a boyfriend. And you are so popular that you might just laugh in my face if I told you. And then I’d be forced to be mad at you. I don’t want to be mad at you; I just want to be your friend.
Maybe if I invite you to do things with me and Die more, then we’ll become closer friends. I’ve never had a best friend before, and you’re exactly the kind of person I’d want as a best friend. I had hoped to ask you to go out with us this evening during one of the breaks. I smiled at you and beckoned you over, you smiled back. It was dazzling to see your face light up the way it did. You began to walk across the room towards me, but stopped when Die walked up and put his arm around my waist. I don’t know what kind of look passed over your face at that moment, but it was gone soon enough. You looked at me and shook your head, and then left the room. I heard you tell Kaoru that you were busy, and you’d be back in time to start again.
It makes me curious as to why you acted that way. In fact, your entire behavior lately has been peculiar. I wonder sometimes if there’s something you’re not telling the rest of us; if there’s something terribly wrong with you, or if someone broke your heart, or anything. You never tell us anything bad going on in your life; it’s always the parties you went to; the clubs you got drunk at, the people you went out with.
I wish you’d open up to me more…
* * *
Toshiya was walking quickly to his car after practice, trying to get away as fast as he could. But it just wasn’t fast enough, because Shinya jogged up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. Toshiya whirled around and caught sight of him. He wrinkled his nose at himself in disgust when his heart began beating faster. Shinya didn’t notice, however. He just cocked his head to the side and gave Toshiya a lopsided smile.
"Oi, with the way you run out of here, it seems that you hate us!" he said teasingly, trying to catch his breath at the same time. Toshiya forced a laugh at Shinya’s comment. He turned his attention back to his car and put the keys into the lock.
"I don’t hate you," he said quietly, "I just have a date tonight," he explained. Shinya’s face fell, though Toshiya couldn’t see it.
"Oh…" he murmured disappointedly. "Well I was going to ask if you wanted to do something with me," Toshiya’s hopes lifted, "and Die tonight." They dropped just as quickly. Toshiya pretended to consider it, stalling just so he could take Shinya’s scent in for a few seconds longer.
"I’m sorry, but I can’t break this date. But you two can have fun without me, I’m sure." Toshiya forced another laugh while trying not to think of what they probably did do at night, something that made him sick with jealousy that Die got to touch Shinya and he didn’t. Shinya gave a small laugh as well, putting his hand on Toshiya’s shoulder.
"Well, I’m sorry that you can’t join us, but you have fun tonight. I’ll see you at practice, day after tomorrow," he squeezed his shoulder gently and walked off to join Die, who was giving Shinya a ride home. Toshiya turned his head and watched him walk away, placing a hand on the shoulder that Shinya had touched, remembering the feel of it, and cherishing it. Shinya didn’t touch any of the others like that. Not even Die. Die was always the one to do the touching – he put his arm around Shinya, touched his face, instigated the kisses. As far as Toshiya could tell, Shinya rarely ever touched anyone tenderly without them doing it first. This thought made Toshiya’s heart leap into his throat. Maybe Shinya DID care about him after all! But it soon sunk after remembering that Shinya was in love with Die. Sighing, he opened the car. "I love you Shinya," Toshiya said, sliding into the driver’s seat and shutting the door behind him.
* * *
Shinya didn’t say anything to Die on the way back to his apartment. He was deep in thought. Die noticed this, and cleared his throat, trying to get the smaller man’s attention. When Shinya didn’t respond, he nudged him with his elbow.
"Hey, Shinya! Earth to Shinya, please come in!" Die called out, finally snapping Shinya out of his reverie. He looked over to Die, and furrowed his eyebrows.
"Huh?" he asked the red-haired man. Die cracked a smile at Shinya’s cluelessness. He shook his head.
"Nothing, you just looked like you were in a completely different place just then," Die commented. Shinya sighed and looked out the window, staring at the passing scenery.
"I was just thinking," Shinya said absently.
"About what?" Die inquired. Shinya looked over to Die, who looked genuinely curious.
"Well I had invited Toshiya to do something with us tonight, but he declined saying that he had a date…" Shinya got a contemplative expression on his face as he trailed off.
"What’s wrong with that?" Die asked. "It’s not unknown for Toshiya to go out; in fact it’s quite common! You’re making it seem like there’s something out of the ordinary going on here." Shinya shook his head.
"I know that, it’s just, I heard him tell Kyo that he wasn’t doing anything tonight, and that he just wanted to stay in." Shinya sighed and leaned on the door, staring out the window again.
"Well maybe he just wanted to be alone and didn’t want to tell you that because of you feeling like this," Die said pointedly. "If you really want to get him to do something with us, then there’s always another time. Just leave him be for a while." Shinya nodded, still wondering if he did something to make Toshiya mad at him. "And anyway," Die continued, "that gives us time tonight to spend together… alone…" Die let his eyes slide over Shinya’s body, but Shinya didn’t seem to have heard him. At least he didn’t respond. Die frowned at the lack of response, but hoped that sometime soon his Shinya would open himself completely to him.
* * *
Toshiya sat in his living room with the lights out, the only illumination coming from the TV that his gaze was tuned upon. His countenance was bathed in a flickering glow as he focused his attention on what was playing – a tape of some of Dir en Grey PV’s. Toshiya was getting tired, but he kept watching, waiting for glimpses of the drummer in each.
As the last one played, Toshiya switched off the TV, setting the remote aside and not bothering to turn a light on, leaving him in darkness.
"I’m pathetic," Toshiya said wryly to the empty room. "I’m in love with someone who already has a boyfriend, and to cope I either go out with the first person I meet for the day, or stay at home and watch him on the TV. How much worse could I get?" Sighing, he got up from his couch, untangling his feet from beneath him and stretching his long legs out, trying to shake his right foot awake. It had fallen asleep while Toshiya sat on it, not noticing anything but the pretty drummer on the screen. He walked out of the living room and into the kitchen, vaguely realizing that he hadn’t eaten anything that day and was hungry. He didn’t feel like eating, but knew that he had to or else he might get sick.
Opening the refrigerator, he took a quick peek inside and saw to his ironic amusement that it was empty save for a mostly-used carton of milk and a leftover frappuccino from the other day. Lately he had been living his days on caffeine, because he didn’t get enough sleep at night. His dreams were always plagued with images of a certain band member, sometimes alone, sometimes with his red-haired companion. Toshiya, unable to stand the sweet torture of seeing his beloved in his dreams, always forced himself awake in the middle of the dream. Usually he found that he had only been asleep for about an hour; and he would refuse to go back to sleep after that. His makeup job hid the dark circles under his eyes remarkably well; and since the dreams started he had been stopping at a coffee shop every morning for a quick pick-me-up before band practice, or even for a day off.
Lately Toshiya had been thinking of skipping the coffee altogether and going for the concentrated caffeine pills, but he hadn’t had time to pick any up. He noted this to himself, promising that he would pick some up in the morning, since there was no band practice.
Shutting the door of the refrigerator, he sighed and grabbed his jacket. There were a few places in his neighborhood where he could get something to eat late. He shut his apartment door behind him and walked slowly down to the street, dreading the start of another sleepless night.
Almost lethargically, he wandered down the street in no particular direction, not really seeing where he was headed. In the back of his mind he knew that he wouldn’t get lost unless he wandered too terribly far from his neighborhood, but it wasn’t an important thought. He just kept walking.
After a while of mindlessly walking for an unremembered amount of time, he passed an all-night drug store. Toshiya stared at the sign for a moment, and then went inside, yawning to himself. Now was as good a time as any to go and grab those caffeine pills. He passed a few aisles, looking for the product, his eyes scanning the shelves and moving on when he didn’t see the bottles he was after. Pausing in the makeup aisle, he grabbed a tube of cream-colored concealer. The last weeks had been hard on his old tube and badly needed to be replaced. Staying only a moment more to see if there were any good shades of lipstick, he soon moved on to the next aisle.
Two aisles down from the makeup, Toshiya finally spotted his quarry. On the third shelf from the top, he found many different brands of caffeine pills. Picking on of the bottles up, he inspected the caffeine content, trying to find the most potent. Stepping back so that he could catch some more of the harsh overhead fluorescent lighting, he stared intently at the bottle, not realizing that there was someone behind him until he heard a cry as he bumped into them, nearly stumbling backwards but catching his balance. Toshiya turned to apologize to whomever he had bumped into, but was startled into silence when he saw it was Die. And was shocked and jealous when he saw what he was buying. Right across from the caffeine pills were the condoms.
* * *
Die had slipped out for a minute, telling Shinya that he had forgotten something very important back at the studio and would be back in a little while. Shinya seemed disappointed, but said that he’d wait for him. Die waved goodbye and left, a secret smile playing upon his lips.
Die hopped quickly into his car and drove to the nearest all-night drugstore that he knew of. He had plans for Shinya and himself that night, but there was an element missing. Searching all over his bedroom, he had thought to have had some leftover condoms from his last relationship, but it didn’t seem that there were many. And the ones that he did find were expired. So he made up an excuse to get out, mentally berating himself for not preparing for this earlier.
He had parked the car and strolled in, knowing exactly where to go from previous experience. He didn’t notice Toshiya wandering the aisles, intent upon getting what he needed and leaving as soon as possible. Die leaned over to pick up a package of his favorite brand when he heard the sound of footsteps coming in behind him. Followed by the footsteps was the sound of the rattling of pills in a bottle. Die shrugged to himself, figuring that it was just another late-night customer like himself, and reached his hand out to pick up the box of prophylactics. An unexpected bump from whoever was behind him made him almost fall face-first onto the tiled floor of the drug store. Die quickly regained his balance and stood up, confronting the rude person who had run into him. He did a double take when he saw that it was Toshiya.
* * *
Toshiya regained his composure and noticed that Die was squinting at him as he looked at his face. Toshiya quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of sunglasses to hide the marring dark marks that were quite visible under his eyes. He had taken his makeup off as soon as he had gotten home, and hadn’t bothered to put any on to go out. Die laughed at Toshiya’s reaction.
"Toshiya, you look like hell. Are you on drugs or something?" he asked, only half-jokingly. Toshiya gave him a severe look, moving a step and a half backwards to put the bottle of caffeine pills back onto the shelf before Die noticed.
"What are you talking about?" Toshiya feigned innocence to the fact that he looked like a wreck. Die looked at him oddly.
"What do you mean, ‘what are you talking about?’? You look like you haven’t slept in a month!" Die tried to grab the sunglasses off of Toshiya’s face, only to have him dodge and scowl at him.
"It’s just a little insomnia, nothing to worry about," Toshiya lied. He knew that it was something to worry about. He had a pounding headache nearly every moment of the day, and it hurt his concentration. Die didn’t seem to believe him.
"Toshiya, don’t lie to me; I’m not as ignorant as I seem to be. Are you on drugs?" Die was dead serious at this point. Toshiya shook his head vehemently.
‘Not unless you count caffeine as a drug…’ he thought wryly. "No Die, I am not on drugs. I don’t do stupid crap like that." Toshiya was serious as well.
"Well, how many fingers am I holding up?" Die put his hand in front of Toshiya’s face, his middle finger held up. From serious to joking, thus was Die.
"Screw you, Die," Toshiya said irritably. "Aren’t you in a hurry?" Die looked startled, then sheepish.
"Yeah, actually I am. How’d ya know?" he asked. Toshiya pointed to the box of condoms in his hand.
"Please don’t think me naïve. I know very well what those are used for," Toshiya stated dryly. Die laughed, embarrassed.
"Oh, yeah… Of course I don’t think you’re naïve. After all, you ARE Toshiya! The great Toshiya who goes out with someone different each night! The one who is as experienced as the rest of us combined!" Die bowed to Toshiya, snickering to himself. Toshiya gave him the evil eye. Die stood up straight, and put his arm around Toshiya conspiratorially. "So tell me Totchi, just how many people have you," Die raised his eyebrows and made an obscene gesture, "with? 50? 100?" Toshiya opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Die chuckled and slapped his back. "Ah, too many to count, eh? I see. Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but I have other plans." Die winked at Toshiya and walked away; calling back over his shoulder a hurried, "See ya, Totchi!"
Toshiya’s eyes narrowed at Die’s retreating back. "If only you knew the half of it, Die; then you wouldn’t believe what you saw…" Toshiya turned and blindly grabbed four bottles of a random brand of caffeine pill. It didn’t matter how strong or weak they were. If one wasn’t enough then he’d just take two. Or three. Whatever was necessary.
Once Toshiya reached the register with his items that he was purchasing, Die was nowhere in sight. Toshiya dumped the makeup and pills onto the conveyer belt and reached into his pocket, pulling out some change and his credit card. ‘Lucky I thought to bring my card with me,’ Toshiya thought.
After paying for his items, he went outside and pulled out a bottle of pills, opening it and yanking the cotton out of the top. He shook two pills into his hand and swallowed them both without the aid of a liquid. Hoping that the caffeine would take effect soon, he shoved his hands into his pockets and made his way home, forgetting all about food. All he wanted to do was occupy himself so that he didn’t have to think about what Die and Shinya were going to do that evening. At least the caffeine would prevent him from dreaming about it.
* * *
Shinya looked up as he heard the door to the apartment open and then close quietly.
"Die?" he called out, and was rewarded by the voice of his beloved.
"Hey Shin-Shin, I’m back!" Shinya got up from the sofa he was occupying and hurried over to Die, enfolding him in a hug. Die smiled down at the head of his love and hugged back. After a moment he picked Shinya up off of the floor and carried him back to the sofa, where he set him down gently. He tossed the box of condoms under the couch, where they wouldn’t be noticed just yet. "Shin-Shin," Die whispered, running his index finger along Shinya’s jaw softly. Shinya’s eyes shined, looking into Die’s. "You are so beautiful." Shinya blushed at the compliment, and Die closed the distance between their faces and enveloped the pretty drummer’s lips in a kiss. Shinya kissed back shyly, enjoying their closeness.
Die took this as a form of consent to continue, and opened his mouth slightly, running his tongue along Shinya’s lips, asking him to open up his mouth. Shinya did so and Die’s tongue found it’s way to Shinya’s, stroking it and inviting it to play. Die put his hands on Shinya’s waist, resting them there while he deepened their kiss. Shinya’s tongue was responding slowly to the languorous attention Die was giving it, and Die smiled into the kiss. Shinya was such a shy kisser.
Die let his hands wander upwards, his fingertips finding their way under Shinya’s shirt and grazing along his skin, sending shivers up Shinya’s spine. Both were becoming breathless, and Die was becoming aroused. The red-haired guitarist’s caresses moved to Shinya’s chest, where he began playing with the drummer’s nipples. Shinya’s neck arched with the sensation, but he didn’t break the kiss, only moaning into Die’s mouth. The other man, heady with the sound of his love’s moan, continued the treatment until both Shinya’s nipples were erect and hard.
Die’s hands, having finished what he set out to do to Shinya’s nipples, trailed downward to the edge of Shinya’s skirt. He let them rest there, Shinya getting used to the idea of their whereabouts, before he started to hike it up slowly, his hands caressing Shinya’s upper thigh. At this point Shinya broke the kiss.
"No Die," he said breathily. He removed his hands from around Die’s back and moved Die’s away from his legs.
"Why Shinya? Why do we always stop here?" Die was frustrated that he was stopped so soon.
"Because… because I’m not ready. I’ve told you that before. I know that you love me, and I love you… but I’m not ready to do that. I’m so sorry… I just can’t yet. You understand, don’t you?" Shinya’s eyes were pleading for understanding. He hated that he didn’t feel right about continuing their relationship into a physical one, but he couldn’t do something that he wasn’t ready for. Die sighed and nodded.
"I’m sorry Shin-Shin, but I just can’t help it sometimes. I love you so much, and you’re just so beautiful…" Die ran his finger along Shinya’s jaw again, and Shinya leaned into the touch.
"Will you stay here tonight?" Shinya asked the guitarist. "I don’t want to be alone."
"Of course, love. I’ll stay with you whenever you need me to." Shinya smiled appreciatively at Die.
"I love you Die," Shinya said.
"And I you, beautiful."
To Be Continued
To the next part