Toshiya looked worse in the morning. He had spent the night staring at infomercials on TV, not even bothering to go to bed. The caffeine hadn’t taken long to take effect, and Toshiya was glad for that. The last thing he needed was mental images of Die and Shinya together.
At about eight o’clock, Toshiya dragged himself from his couch and went to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, he nearly ran away screaming. He looked like death warmed over – puffy dark circles under his bloodshot eyes, hair in disarray, skin looking pasty.
"Toshiya, you have to get a hold of yourself," he said to his reflection. The reflection just stared wearily back. Sighing Toshiya turned on the hot water of the shower, hoping that it would help him to feel a little better. He stripped his clothing off and got in, standing in the steamy spray and letting it buffet him, driving all sense of time away. He shampooed his hair, scraping his fingernails along his scalp in an almost vicious way. When he felt his hair was clean, he rinsed it, running his hands through the silky strands. Soap was forgotten as he swayed back and forth in the spray of the shower.
When the water was turned off and Toshiya stepped out of the shower, he looked marginally better, and felt that way too. Still tired yes, but alert at least. Toshiya toweled himself dry, and walked to his bedroom to get some clothing and to let the steam in the bathroom clear. He blindly grabbed some clothes out of his dresser, his hands falling on a pair of leather pants and a silky black shirt. Not something he’d usually wear, but since he didn’t have plans for the day he figured that it wouldn’t matter what he wore. He threw the clothes onto his body and grabbed his makeup bag, padding barefoot back to the bathroom.
Toshiya pawed through the bag for a moment, looking for his concealer before remembering that he had left it in the drug store bag in the living room.
"Screw it," he said, leaving the bathroom and going to the living room. He didn’t feel like making an effort this morning. On the table next to the couch were his sunglasses and the open bottle of caffeine pills. He grabbed both, putting his sunglasses on his face and popping two pills into his mouth, swallowing them with minimal difficulty. Looking around the room, he decided he didn’t want to spend his day off in his apartment, so he picked up his keys and left, locking the door behind him.
In his car, he drove aimlessly along the streets. He was in no hurry, and didn’t have any destination in mind. It surprised him when he drove up to the studio though; he hadn’t realized that he was driving in that direction. He parked the car and looked up at the building.
"This is where you see him most often," Toshiya said to himself. He got out of the car and shut the door with a slam, going inside. The halls were quiet, and Toshiya’s footsteps echoed along the corridor. He walked over to the room where Dir en Grey held their practices, and stood in the doorway for a moment. All of the equipment was where it was supposed to be. Toshiya went to it and looked it over. He suddenly felt like music, but it wasn’t his bass that he went for, it was Kyo’s microphone. He picked it up and pulled an amp away from the wall, plugging the microphone into the amp, and then turning both on. He blew softly into it to make sure that it was working. A high-frequency squeal was his answer. Cringing, Toshiya walked three steps away from the amp, figuring that he was too close. This time when he tested it was all right.
Holding the microphone next to his lips, Toshiya began to hum a few notes, warming his voice up. He cleared his throat quietly and took a deep breath.
"Loneliness, your silent whisper fills a river of tears through the night… Memory, you never let me cry, and you – you never said goodbye! Sometimes the tears blinded the love; we lost some dreams along the way. But I never thought you’d trade your soul to the fates, never thought you’d leave me alone! Time through the rain has set me free; sands of time will keep your memory. Love everlasting fades away, alive within your beatless heart. Dry your tears with love; dry your tears with love…"
The melancholy notes of the song were sung beautifully a cappella by Toshiya. His voice was beautiful, words of love lost pouring from his heart. His eyes were closed in concentration, as he struggled to remember the words to his favorite X Japan ballad. He didn’t have an opportunity to continue, however; because he was interrupted by the sound of clapping from the doorway. Toshiya opened his eyes slowly and identified who had barged in, in the middle of a personal moment.
"Toshiya," Kaoru moved from the doorway to the middle of the room, "I didn’t know you could sing…" Kaoru gazed at Toshiya in awe. Toshiya looked down in embarrassment.
"I can’t," he said flatly. Kaoru shook his head.
"You have a beautiful voice! It’s so… haunting, like a dream. You should have showed this talent earlier!" Kaoru smiled at Toshiya, who didn’t look up. "Toshiya, what’s wrong?" Kaoru strode up to Toshiya and lifted his chin, so that he could look into his eyes.
"…Nothing," Toshiya evaded. He pushed the sunglasses further up onto the bridge of his nose, feeling self-conscious.
"Nothing? Then why are you wearing sunglasses inside?" Kaoru hooked a finger over the bridge of the glasses and slid them down to the end of Toshiya’s nose. When he saw the eyes that were hidden behind them, he felt a jolt of alarm rush through him.
"I have a headache, the light hurts," Toshiya explained. Well, that was true, but it was only a half-truth. Kaoru blinked. Toshiya looked back at him, trying to seem as if he weren’t hiding anything.
"Well, get some sleep or something, it would help," Kaoru suggested. Toshiya nodded. "Hey, can you sing again? You sounded really good, back there, and I might have an idea for a concert using you. Maybe backing up Kyo or something." Kaoru smiled as he made the request to Toshiya. Toshiya nodded and took another deep breath, readying himself to sing again. He poured his heart into the rest of the words to the song, bringing tears to Kaoru’s eyes as he finished.
Toshiya looked up from the trance he was in from singing and into Kaoru’s face to gauge his reaction. What he saw surprised him. Kaoru had such an expression of heart and feeling on his face that it made Toshiya wonder if he hadn’t been thinking of something else while he sang. After all, a mere song sung by him wasn’t enough to make someone cry, was it?
"How did I do?" Toshiya asked, breaking the spell. Kaoru opened his mouth and moved it, but no words came out for a good thirty seconds.
"Totchi, I… that was beautiful. Has something happened to you lately? I mean, you sing such sad words with so much feeling, as if you have lived the sadness." Kaoru put his hand on Toshiya’s shoulder. Toshiya looked away. He so much wanted to tell someone the secrets of his heart, but that someone wasn’t exactly Kaoru.
"I… nothing’s the matter! Whatever gave you that idea?" Toshiya gave a fake laugh and forced his mouth to smile. Kaoru furrowed his eyebrows, able to tell when the bassist was lying.
"That’s not true and you know it," Kaoru said. "Please tell me, I may be able to help."
"No one can help me with this, not even you, Kao-chan," Toshiya said sadly while moving away from the guitarist and toward a table that was at the edge of the room. He picked up an item that had been left there, which turned out to be Shinya’s wallet. He ran his hands over it and felt it, knowing that it was something of Shinya’s something that Shinya kept with him almost always. "You see, I’m in love."
The room was silent, and then an unknown sound was heard followed by more silence. Both Toshiya and Kaoru looked toward the door, where the sound had come from, but found nobody and nothing. Kaoru turned his attention back to Toshiya, who was leaning heavily against the table. "Totchi, why is that any reason to be sad?" he asked. Toshiya sighed, his chest heaving with the air taken in and expelled.
"Because the one I’m in love with doesn’t love me back," he explained. Kaoru’s mouth formed an ‘o’ of understanding. He walked over to Toshiya and put his arms around his shoulders, comforting him in the only way he could think of.
"I’m so sorry, Totchi. I don’t see how someone could not love you," Kaoru said soothingly.
"It’s because they have someone else. They barely know of my existence. At least that’s what it feels like…" A tear slipped out of the corner of Toshiya’s eye, and Kaoru caught it with the back of his finger. By this time he had a pretty good idea of who Toshiya was talking about. He had noticed the longing looks during practice shot toward the person sitting behind the drum set. Kaoru put his lips next to Toshiya’s ear.
"I’m sorry that Shinya is with Die…" he whispered. Toshiya’s eyes widened and filled with more tears.
"How… how did you know?" he asked, his voice breaking mid-sentence. Kaoru gave him a knowing look.
"I have eyes, Toshiya." All composure was broken at that point and Toshiya laid his head on Kaoru’s shoulder, crying softly. Kaoru embraced him tighter and Toshiya clutched at Kaoru’s back. "Shhh, it’s ok Toshiya. Everything will be fine. You never know what the future holds," he murmured soothingly. His hands made calming circles on Toshiya’s back, who in turn shuddered from sobs.
It took a while for Toshiya’s sobs to subside, and when they did, Toshiya wiped his eyes harshly, irritating them further than a lack of sleep had. Kaoru looked at him sympathetically.
"Get some sleep, Totchi. It looks like you could really use some," Kaoru admonished him. Toshiya nodded feebly, though he didn’t intend on sleeping at all. It was easier to not sleep then to sleep and then wake up scarcely an hour later.
"I should go," Toshiya said, his head resting on Kaoru’s shoulder. Kaoru made a noise of assent and released Toshiya from his arms. "Thanks Kaoru, I really appreciate this." Toshiya gave him a small smile and turned to walk out of the door, pausing only to pick up Shinya’s wallet once again from the table. It would be a good excuse to go see him; returning his wallet that is.
Toshiya took deep breaths as he walked through the halls and out the exit, trying to calm himself. It worked, and he soon found himself feeling nearly the way he did after he got out of the shower that morning. He opened his car door, tossed the wallet onto the front seat and got in himself. He rested his head on the steering wheel, and sat there for a minute. He was glad that he could tell someone about his love for Shinya; it relieved some of the burden of carrying a secret by himself. And he was glad that Kaoru was sympathetic. All the while he had been afraid that if anyone found out, everyone would be against him. After all, Shinya was happy with Die.
He started the car without thinking, and put it into gear. "Cheer up Toshiya!" he admonished himself, "You’re going to see Shinya!" This thought made his heart feel a little lighter, and he was able to put a miniscule smile on his lips before speeding away towards Shinya’s apartment.
* * *
Shinya had woken up in Die’s arms that morning, and smiled to himself. He loved the feel of his arms around him; it always made him feel safe and loved. He propped his head up on his arm and shifted so that he could look at his sleeping love. He was so beautiful and tranquil when he slept, so unlike the conscious Die, the one who had teased Shinya mercilessly. Shinya didn’t know how he had fallen in love with him, but he was very happy when they both confessed their feelings for each other on a cliché starry night. When they had gotten together, the teasing had mostly stopped and Die’s tenderness started showing through. Shinya loved every second with the tall, red-haired man.
Slowly disentangling himself from Die’s loose embrace, Shinya got out of bed and got dressed. He had forgotten his wallet at the studio the other day, so Shinya was going to get it. He hated being without his wallet. Shinya quickly scribbled a note to Die telling him that if he was awake and Shinya was not there not to panic. He placed the note next to the sleeping Die and picked up Die’s car keys, hoping that he wouldn’t mind him borrowing his car.
Minutes later he was headed toward the studio, intending on only staying there for less than five minutes. When he reached the door, however, he was met with something he had never thought he would see – Toshiya singing. And it was gorgeous. Shinya was mesmerized by the voice and the way Toshiya looked when he sang. From the expression Shinya saw on his face, it was blissful to sing for Toshiya. He looked over to Kaoru, who was also watching, and saw that he had the same enraptured expression on his face. His eyes narrowed and he wondered what was going on. ‘Why is Toshiya here, singing for Kaoru?’ he thought. Instead of betraying his presence and asking the question out loud, he just stood there and watched, hoping to find the answer to that question out.
When Toshiya stopped singing, Shinya realized that he had been holding his breath and let it out slowly. Kaoru and Toshiya were talking to one another, and Shinya strained his ears to listen. He didn’t really catch anything until he heard Toshiya say, "No one can help me with this," Toshiya’s next few words were inaudible, "…Kao-chan." Shinya watched the entire scene playing out, as if he were watching a drama on TV. Toshiya’s back was to the door, but Shinya still heard his next words as clear as if he were yelling them in his ear. "You see, I’m in love."
Shinya stumbled and almost fell, the statement shocked him. Toshiya? In love? How was that possible? Toshiya wasn’t supposed to fall in love; he was supposed to be a mega playboy! For reasons that Shinya couldn’t comprehend, his entire world came crashing down. He decided that he didn’t want to hear any more, so he ran; and forgot his wallet completely. The only thing that was running through his head was the echo of "I’m in love."
Shinya didn’t know what the matter with him was. This shouldn’t have made any difference to him. After all, he was with Die, he was happy. Let Toshiya have a little happiness too! But Shinya felt so… he didn’t know what he felt until it hit him with a jolt. Shinya felt jealous!
To Be Continued