Chapter 4: Hurt Me
Toshiya knows that I know the moment I walk into the apartment. If I was not part of this situation, I probably would of found it halarious. We avoid the topic entirely, just as we avoid eye contact and silence. There were probably a few times when we were babbling stupidly back and forth, but I doubt either of us realized.
I don't know how many people Toshiya has slept with, but I am certain that none of them could claim him to be a quiet lover. It is embarrasing to admit that he isn't quite as vocal as myself, but he usually gives quite a musical stream of moans and cries every time. Something I've gotten used to is hearing my name being moaned as he climaxes.
Still, I don't think he's ever called the wrong name before. When I sneak a glance at his face, if it is not blank then it is embarrased or ashamed.
Personally, I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm still in shock, even though I've been home long enough to eat supper and play a good, distracting, three hours on the lastest Final Fantasy game.
Finally, my curiousity gets the better of me and I blurt out the first question that comes to mind. "Was he mad?"
Although the question comes out of the blue during some random anime almost six hours after practice, I can tell he knows who I am talking about.
"Surprised mostly," Toshiya replies after a short pause. He sighs and relaxes into the couch. "I didn't even realize I had said your name until he asked me why afterward. I explained to him that you and I keep each other company once and a while. Kaoru didn't seem upset, but I don't know why he told you. What did he say?"
I shrug and shake my head. "He just asked me what I felt about you. Then he told me about what happened just as I stepped on the bus," I reply.
Toshiya leans forward with a frustrated groan. "I hope he doesn't think it means anything. I couldn't tell if he was mad or not when I explained. I don't want him to dump me over meaningless sex!"
Well, that certainly puts me in my place. He couldn't of wounded me more. Of course, he doesn't know about my feelings and I don't want him to. Especially not after that.
So I choke down my reaction, tell him something that I hope sounds reassuring before making an excuse about needing a shower before bed. I escape into the bathroom, feeling numb, as though my body was moving itself.
Although I don't need a shower, I strip down and step under the spray I had set a little too hot. Meaningless sex. That's all it was to him. I'd known that he only came to me to feel less lonely. But it's still like a spear through my heart to hear him actually say it. Meaningless sex.
I reach up for some shampoo. However, I miss and my fingers brush against the edge of a facial razor instead. I'd always thought it more convienant to shave in the shower. For a long moment, I can only stare at the small object hanging there, my mind void of thoughts.
Then, suddenly, desperately, I want to feel something. Even if it is pain, it would be better than this numb torture. The water has scalded my skin dark red, but I feel nothing of it. If only I could feel, could recover from this sudden void that is strangely worse than my sobbing breakdown a few days ago.
My actions are almost automatic as I pick the razor up. It is as though I'm watching myself from far away as I bring it to my arm. All at once, agonizing pain rips through me and I'm yanked back into my body.
My hand shakes as I put the razor back and rinse the blood that is dripping down my arm. I feel sick to my stomach when I see the gash just below my wrist. Now that my arm is stinging and throbbing, I realize what a stupid idea it was.
Moving quickly, I curse and turn off the water before wrapping an old, but clean, towel around my wrist. A quick glance in the medicine cabinet reveals a few bandages large enough and I put one on before throwing the towel into the garbage.
I dry myself slowly, still recovering from the shock of cutting myself. I never thought I would do something like that. Still, I have to admit that I'm glad it snapped me out of my previous numbness. At least it wasn't too bad of a cut.
I brush my hair and teeth before stepping out of the bathroom, wrapped in a housecoat a few sizes too big. Toshiya is on his way to his bedroom and I wince when I see he's been crying.
"I'm sorry that I screwed everything up. Please don't be mad at me," he blurts out when he sees me.
Suddenly realizing that I'd gotten up and left while he was upset earlier, I shake my head. "No, I'm sorry I just left like that. I guess I'm still surprised about it all," I reply.
Toshiya nods and laughs a little. "I can understand that. I mean, so was I. You and Kaoru aren't very similar in bed. It caught me off guard that I would mess up like that."
"How are we different?" I ask before I can stop myself. Call it morbid curiousity.
Toshiya blushes a little. "Well, you're more agressive. Kaoru usually lets things move at their own pace, and is always very gentle. You set the pace in our sex, and usually end up being dominate even in a submissive possition," he replies.
The honesty makes me blush too, and I look everywhere but at him. "I'm sorry if I've been to rough in the past," I mumble.
He shakes his head, smiling. "No, I enjoy it. Now that I think about it, that's probably the reason why I said the wrong name. Kaoru and I haven't had sex for a while, and he was unusually agressive last night," he replies.
"I hope things work out for you," I reply, reaching up to wipe away the traces of his tears.
Too late, I realize what would happen. My sleeve falls to my elbow and exposes my bandaged wrist. It is bared right in front of his face and I know that he sees it by the way his face goes pale and his eyes widen.
"Kyo, what is this?" he whispers, reaching up so that his fingers hover by my hand.
I jerk it away, hiding it too late. "I was shaving in the shower and slipped," I stammer.
He doesn't buy the lame excuse and pierces me with a hard look. "What's going on Kyo? Tell me the truth!" he demands.
I stare at him for a long moment, then sigh. Fine, I will tell him. Maybe it will make me feel better, finally. Besides, at this point, I doubt I have much to lose.
To be continued
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