I've never seen him look more shocked. A smile came to my lips, despite the pain inside of me. After I'd told him I loved him, he just sort of stood there for a second. Then his eyes went wide and his jaw literally dropped.
I give him a small kiss on the cheek and ruffle his hair. "Don't worry about it. I've loved you for so long, I've been able to accept that you love Kaoru. I'm going to bed now," I tell him.
He nods, his mouth snapping closed but he's obviously still lost for words. What I'd said was true enough, so I am able to keep my pace and expression calm as I walk toward my bedroom and shut the door quietly behind me.
I pull on some clean boxers and throw my housecoat onto the floor before falling into bed. I don't feel tired, and don't think that I will be able to sleep. However, I find myself drifting off after only a few short moments. With a soft sigh, I let myself slip into sleep.
I don't know how long I am sleeping before I wake to the feeling of someone slipping into my bed next to me. I shift slightly, turning to see Toshiya wrap himself around my body, his head resting on my shoulder.
"I called Kaoru," he says.
My body tenses before I can stop it. I don't think I can comfort him tonight, no matter how badly he needs it. My emotions are too raw, it would hurt too much. "Oh?" I say instead, simply wrapping an arm around him.
"I told him what you told me. I didn't know what to do, and I needed to talk to someone. I couldn't exactly talk about it with you," Toshiya replies.
I nod, sighing softly when he runs a gentle hand up and down my chest. It is the sweetest torture, these carresses. I don't have the strength to push him away even though I know I should.
"He said something to me that I didn't understand. I had to think about it for a long time before I realized," Toshiya continues.
"What did he say?" I ask softly.
"Maybe real love isn't where you expect it to be," Toshiya quotes.
Both of us lay in silence for a long moment, lost in our own thoughts. I feel his arms tighten around me and he's crying softly against my shoulder. "Was it my fault that you did that? Was it because you think that I don't care for you that you cut yourself?" he asks, sniffling.
I know that he doesn't want to hear such a thing, but I nod slightly. "I didn't know what to do. You said that our sex was meaningless to you, and I guess that I went into shock. It was stupid to do, and I regret it now. But, at the time, I wasn't thinking as clearly as I am now," I reply.
"Did you mean what you told me? Do you really love me?" the bassist asks against the base of my neck.
Sighing, I'm quiet for a long moment. "Yeah, it is," I finally admit, feeling a fresh wave of heartache go through me.
Toshiya, of all things, gives a soft giggle. "It took me a long time to figure out what Kaoru was telling me. Now, it seems so obvious. I don't know if I can do it, but I would like to try," he says.
"Try what?" I ask, not daring to let myself hope that he means what I'm thinking.
My breath catches in my throat when Toshiya looks up at me and catches my eyes. "I could try loving you. Will you give me a chance?" he asks, his voice almost silent.
I can only stare for a long moment, then a slow smile appears on my lips and I hug him tightly to my body. "The least I can do is give you a chance. Still, I don't want you to be doing this just because you feel sorry for me. If that is the only reason, then I would rather not," I tell him.
Toshiya shakes his head quickly, smiling happily. "I've always been attracted to you, Kyo. That's obvious enough. I don't think it would be too hard for me to love you back," he says.
Hugging him even tighter against me, I feel my eyes fill with tears before they slip hotly down my cheeks. Toshiya reacts instantly by pulling away with a devistated sound, his hands reaching up to brush them away. "Oh, did I say something wrong? What's wrong, Kyo?" he asks quickly.
I shake my head and pull him against me once again. "Nothing. For once, my tears aren't of sadness," I tell him.
He nods slowly, then smiles and nestles against my side again. Closing my eyes, I let my first tears of happiness flow down my cheeks. He's agreed to give it an honest try, and that's the best thing he could of ever offered. Even if it doesn't work out the in the end, we'll of both given our chance. If it does, then life will be that much better.
