"The Original Boogeyman Is Back! It Horrifies You In Your Sleep And Haunts You For Life!"	Year of Release: 1992 Directed by: Joe D'Amato and Claudio Fragasso Running Time: Approx. 95 minutes Rating: PG-13 Listing on the A.K.A. Page: YES! Click Here! A Second Opinion: The Unknown Movies Buy it on VHS at: Amazon.com. My Rating:

Joshua- He wears a constant look of pain on his face. Either there's a tack in his shoe or he's severely constipated. Sadly folks, this is our hero! With the aid of his long dead grandfather, Joshua saves his family and defeats the evil goblins!

Grandpa Seth- Though he died six months ago, Seth still manages to visit Joshua and tell him tales of evil goblins. Before he finally passes on to the next world (rather than remain in limbo), Seth helps save his family from becoming a vegetarian platter!

Michael and Diana- These two simply cannot ... ACT! And their parenting skills are simply horrible! No wonder your kid sees his dead grandfather all the time! Luckily Diana ends up being the main course for a family of goblins at the film's end.

Holly- PLEASE STOP TALKING!!! Her acting is hands down the worst you will see in this movie! And why does she abuse her boyfriend so much? I wouldn't take that from her. I'd be like, "Woman, go make me some bacon!" Actually that would probably get me beaten up worse than ever! So what was my point? Oh yeah! She sucks at acting and she should've been eaten!

Elliot- Holly's whiny boyfriend. He spends a lot of time with his three guy friends which hints towards Elliot being a homosexual. He even sleeps with them in their RV! Mostly he's around to be Holly's emotional punching bag.

Creedence- Boy she likes to ham it up. The Queen of the Goblins whose source of power is a chunk of Stonehenge. When we first see her she looks like an evil schoolteacher. As the movie progresses, she looks like an evil schoolteacher with chapped lips. After her final change she becomes an extremely hot schoolteacher (you know, the type you fantasized about in high school?). She is destroyed when Joshua and his family "use the power of goodness" to short out that aforementioned piece of Stonehenge.

Arnold, Drew, and Brent- Elliot's friends. Arnold is turned into a man-plant and has his wooden genitalia chainsawed off (OUCH!) by Creedence. Said wooden testes are used to make a milkshake that seals Drew's fate. Brent is buried under popcorn after a hot moment with hot school teacher Creedence. I guess we're supposed to assume that they're all dead?

Sheriff Gene Freak, Father Bog, The Presents, and other town folk- They're really the goblins in disguise! Father Bog learns the dangers of holding a Molotov cocktail, while the others all die thanks to the strength of love between Joshua and his family.

The Goblins- Wait a minute, isn't this movie called Troll II? Where are the trolls? Probably got called to star in a better movie. These vile creatures can shapeshift at will and use their trickery to turn people into vegetable matter for consumption. In reality though they are just midgets and small children wearing Halloween masks and burlap sacks stuffed with pillows. All but a few are destroyed at the end.

Back in 1992 an unholy directorial alliance was made. What resulted is one of the worst films to ever hit video rental shelves. This cinematic piece of shit starts off with Grandpa Seth telling Joshua a tale about Goblins. As the old man narrates, we are treated to the opening sequence (and oh what a sequence it is!). Peter (some guy in a goofy Swedish elf costume) is running from some Goblins (man those costumes suck!). Peter falls down and passes out, but when he awakens he sees a beautiful girl (with an overabundance of freckles. Those have to be painted on!). She feeds him some green pudding which causes him to sweat chlorophyll. It turns out that the girl was a goblin in disguise and the pudding Peter ate is turning him into "half-man, half-plant. A goblin's favorite food." Suddenly Diana walks in and breaks up storytime, then chides young Joshua for talking with his dead grandfather.
After that incident, Elliot sneaks into Holly's room and announces to her that he is "the victim of a nocturnal rapture." Holly then knees him in the groin, recites some dialogue, and then says she likes him (I think she's partially schitzophrenic). Elliot, to make up for being somewhat of a homosexual, tells Holly he'll come with her family on their trip to Nilbog. Cut to the next day and Holly is sobbing because Elliot didn't show up. The car ride that follows is torture, pure and simple. To make everyone's spirit rise, Diana tells Joshua to "sing that song I like." What song would that be? "On the Road Again" perhaps, or how about "Born to Be Wild?" Nope, you need to get the rights to those so the audience is treated to Row Your Boat (F*cking Public Domain songs!)! ARRRRGH! Stop singing for the love of God!
After said bad singing, we're treated to a nightmare (HA! This movie's a nightmare in itself!) where Joshua is about to be eaten by Goblins. When he wakes up, Joshua sees Grandpa Seth on the side of the road and has his dad pull over. Joshua runs up to Seth, who tells him to go back home because Nilbog is the Kingdom of the Goblins. Minutes later, Joshua and his family arrive in Nilbog to stay at the Presents' house. Ok, hold it right there. Since when do families switch houses for a vacation? I definitely wouldn't want someone who bathes infrequently sleeping in my bed! The whole scenario is just completely unbelievable!
As soon as everyone walks in the kitchen, they find a huge feast left by the Presents. Before Mike, Diana, and Holly eat, Grandpa Seth arrives and freezes time for 30 seconds so that Joshua can stop them all. After about 65 seconds, Joshua stands up on his chair, unzips his pants, and ... cut to Holly scraping food into a garbage can. At this point, Elliot is also in Nilbog along with his friends Arnold, Drew, and Brent. They mostly sit inside their RV and watch TV while being a little too close for comfort. Arnold, bored with watching TV walks outside and notices a girl in tattered clothes, running for her life.
He catches up with her and soon meets up with what was chasing her, a large group of goblins! Arnold tries to act tough and tells the midget monsters to take a walk. What follows is one of the most horribly edited scenes I've ever witnessed! Arnold is standing a few feet away in front of a birch tree right before a goblin chucks a spear at him. Suddenly the spear travels a huge distance and hits Arnold in the shoulder, but now he's further away in front of some pine trees! Damn it, get a new editor!
Arnold and the girl escape to an old church only to run into Creedence. She turns Arnold into a pet tree and the girl becomes a meal for the goblins. So moving things along here, Grandpa Seth appears to Holly scaring the bejesus out of her. This couldn't have come at a better time because Holly was doing a god awful dance routine and reciting her lines as usual. Joshua switches rooms with Holly and talks to Grandpa Seth for a bit. The next morning, Drew decides to go to town to get some supplies (these morons go on a trip with no food?!). Along the way he's given a lift by Sheriff Gene Freak (get it? hahahahaha ... ahem) and is dropped off at the town market. The locals outside the market tell Drew that Arnold's waiting for him in an old church.
Drew goes there and discovers plant-Arnold. He tries dragging his leafy friend to safety but Creedence arrives and bitch slaps Drew across the room. It's then hinted that she cuts off Arnold's testes with a chainsaw and makes them into a milkshake for Drew. That is the last we see of those two. Back at the Presents' house, Joshua and Michael decide to go into town to get some groceries. It turns out that the store is closed until the sermon is over so they wait. Joshua goes up to a van's rearview mirror and starts calling to Grandpa Seth when he suddenly realizes something! "Nilbog! It's Goblin spelled backwards!"
Michael's fallen asleep (is he narcoleptic or something? It's only been 2 minutes!) so Joshua skateboards off and finds the entire town congregated for Father Bog's sermon. As the creepy reverend speaks out against the evils of meat (which, according to him causes smelly urine and hemorrhoids), Joshua spies on them while carefully setting his skateboard near a hole in the ceiling. As he's peering down below, Joshua slowly pushes a wooden board (which might I add was not there earlier) forcing the skateboard to fall. Joshua's captured and the goblins forcibly jab spoonfulls of "Nilbog ice cream" in his face. Luckily Michael wakes up and quickly saves his son from becoming a goblin snack. They drive off and come across Holly and Elliot arguing. Michael gives Elliot and ultimatum, it's either come with him and be allowed to date Holly or continue down the road of homosexuality (which I would definitely take over Holly any day ... or not ...).
Elliot goes back with Holly and family, leaving poor Brent by himself. Once they arrive at the house, Michael and the others discover that the whole town is there. They go inside and there's people dancing and laughing, and there's a ton of food to eat. Joshua tries to stop his family but is sent to his room where he attempts to contact Seth. Instead, Creedence in her goblin form smashes through the mirror and attacks Joshua. Luckily Grandpa Seth appears with an axe and chops off the goblin's right hand. Grandpa Seth has a plan to get his family out of Nilbog before they become goblin fodder. He and Joshua sneak outside and prepare to start a fire (for distraction purposes) but Father Bog grabs their Molotov cocktail.
The goblin priest casts a spell sending Grandpa Seth back to the "land of shadows" but not before Seth magically ignites said Molotov cocktail. Father Bog burns to death (notice his fire-proof gloves!) and returns to his normal goblin form. This pisses off Father Bog's fellow Goblins immmensely! Michael, Diana, Holly, Joshua, and Elliot slowly back into the house and barricade themselves indoors as the Nilbogians wait outside. Back at the old church, Creedence has fixed her hand, fixed her chapped lips, and made herself look pretty damn good with the aid of the Stonehenge rock. She grabs an ear of corn and goes to seduce Brent. They begin eating the corncob together, burying them both in popcorn. Wether or not the cascade of popcorn kills Brent is a mystery but I'm sure it's safe to assume that he died.
In the meantime, Joshua and his family have held a seance (where did they get all of those candles?!). Joshua is transported to the Stonehenge rock just before the goblins invade the house. A madcap chase ensues as goblins pop up everywhere (just like in those cheap haunted houses the neighborhood kids always ran!) and get tossed around by Michael (keep an eye out for a goblin who misses his cue and runs away from the fleeing victims). While the goblins are on the offensive, Joshua and Grandpa Seth put their hands on the Stonehenge rock, reducing it's power a bit with their love. Creedence soon discovers this and she and her goblin horde warp to the church to stop Joshua. Things look bleak until Joshua pulls out a double-decker bologne sandwich and starts eating it with such voracity the world has never known! This buys him enough time for his family to arrive and help him hug the Stonehenge rock, causing Creedence and the goblins to die!
They all go back home after their ordeal to relax. Elliot goes to his house with Holly in tow and Michael goes to buy groceries, thus leaving Diana and Joshua alone. Diana opens the fridge and snacks on an apple (you stupid bitch!) while Joshua goes upstairs to mourn the loss of Grandpa Seth. But what's this?! I guess the Presents weren't killed and made a meal out of Joshua's mom! So is this movie as bad as I say it is? Yes! Does it have any redeeming qualities at all? Hardly. Whoever did the makeup effects did a half decent job, they really tried. But the directors? They should be ashamed of this film! Bad acting, bad costumes, bad editing, and well, the music wasn't all that bad (except for ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT! ARRRGHH!). My other major gripe with this movie is that most of the main characters survive. Ok Diana bit the dust, but I really wanted to see her husband and children get munched too! And I realize they didn't have a lot of money, but what a shitty way to defeat the goblins! So I guess if I travel with my family to Stonehenge and hug it, we will destroy the remaining Goblin population on Earth?

Diana: "I'm worried about Joshua, he's still seeing Grandpa Seth."
Michael: "When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend too."
Diana: "But it wasn't your dead grandfather."
Michael: "It'll end. This trip will make him forget about your father."

Elliot: "Are you nuts?! You trying to turn me into a homo?!
Holly: " Wouldn't be too hard. If my father discovers you here, he'll cut off your little nuts and eat them! He can't stand you!"

Arnold: "They're eating her! And then they're going to eat me! Oh my Goooooooddddd!"

Joshua: "Daddy they're goblins! Monstrous beings!"

Father Bog: "We need time for some things to happen. We must have patience until tonight."