Year of Release: 1983 Directed by: Franco Prosperi Running Time: Approx. 92 minutes Rating: Not Rated Listing on the A.K.A. Page: YES! Click here! A Second Opinion: At-A-Glance Film Reviews Buy it on VHS at: Benton Video Visions.com My Rating:

Also be sure to check out my other roundtable review for Conan the Barbarian

Gunan and his brother- He was born with his brother (who by the way is never named. More on that below.) right before Nuriak invaded their village. Gunan and his twin brother are saved and are raised by the Kuniat since one of them is the "star child" who will bring balance to the universe. Turns out that it is Gunan, simply because his unnamed brother dies first. Gunan finds true love and defeats the evil Nuriak and the Ungats.

Nuriak- Leader of the Ungats. He must kill the "star child" or he himself will die. Also it turns out that he is in fact Gunan's father. Yeah exactly... HUH?! He's slashed across the belly by Gunan after one of the many crappy fight scenes in the film (luckily it wasn't shown in slow motion).

Lenne- Hot blonde girl who is to be used by the Kuniat to literally make babies. She falls in love with Gunan after he sees her topless (again... HUH?!) and runs off with him to procreate after Nuriak is dead.

Marga- Kuniat sorceress (?) who has the hots for Gunan. In a fit of jealousy she gives Lenne to the Ungats as bait to capture Gunan. Then suddenly at the end, she and the other Kuniats come to Gunan's aid. I thought she hated him? Damn it I don't know anymore!

The Kuniats- A race of women who are immortal and have magic shields. They raise the twins and have them go through a contest of strength and skill (which looks easy enough for a ten year old to accomplish). They help Gunan battle the Ungats at the end.

The Ungats- A race of all men who basically ride around on horses and make a nuisance of themselves. They are wiped out by Gunan and company.

My god... the Italian film industry once again bends me over and makes me its bitch. I've suffered through many films from that country and so far, no other nation on Earth has caused me as much grief (well, movie wise). This movie, like so many others, ended up in my collection simply because I had never heard of it (and quite frankly neither have ninety-nine percent of the people living on Earth). So let's get on with my anger management session... I mean my review. This crapfest starts off with very long opening credits. Though the music is decent (a poor man's version of the Conan theme), a long credits sequence at the start of any movie is like a death sentence. Perhaps this was done on purpose though, possibly to put viewers asleep before the pain begins (just like the dentist!).
After said credits we're treated to tons of stolen footage with some stock footage mixed in. Seriously, I discovered stolen footage from Pod People and One Million Years B.C. What does it all have to do with The Invincible Barbarian? Absolutely nothing! But a narrator assures us that it does, saying that when the planets align, a child will be born that will bring order to the universe (I was kind of hoping maybe it would be Jesus. I mean come on now, a barbarian version of Jesus Christ would be a hoot!). And have you noticed so far how this movie is beginning to seem more like Star Wars than Conan the Barbarian? Or is it just me?
Anyway, in a small village, a woman gives birth to twins and... wait what?! The prophecy called for ONE child! This apparently perplexes everyone in the movie, so thankfully I wasn't alone (it is explained later that because Gunan's mother was a dirty tramp, the second child was conceived). Suddenly, the Ungats (armed with fake swords and adorned with terrible helmets and fake armor. It's truly pathetic!) ride into the village and start killing everyone in sight. The newborn twins are given to an old woman who takes the children far from their impending doom. As she escapes, the Ungats burn down the village and kill everyone in it. Nuriak is infuriated to discover that after all that work, he has not killed the "chosen one." He sends out some of his troops to find the baby (he doesn't realize there are two yet) but they fail. The old hag who has the twins makes it to a beach and lays down for a permanent nap (i.e. she dies of a heart attack).
Luckily the Kuniats happen to come along and adopt the two newborn males for themselves. Years pass and the infants have become men (Gunan is built, but his unnamed brother is clearly a weakling) and apparently were trained by the Kuniats to be the "chosen one" (a.k.a. the star child). The two brothers must compete against one another to decide who will be Gunan (one name, two brothers, who will win?! WHO CARES?!). The larger and more muscular brother easily wins the day. Afterwards, he's given the mission to find and kill Nuriak and is officially named Gunan. So Gunan gets a medallion and a big sword and enjoys a good night�s rest. Unfortunately, his moronic brother knows the whereabouts of Nuriak and decides to go after him. Unnamed brother steals the medallion from Gunan and runs off to take on Nuriak. Naturally the weakling is all talk and is killed while challenging Nuriak to a battle.
By this time, Gunan is on his way to the rescue and discovers his brother�s headless corpse. Gunan vows vengeance (again?) and makes his way to Nuriak's hideout. Gunan finds the place and begins battling the Ungats, or rather, he runs around and hits the Ungats with his fake sword. You think I may be exaggerating a bit but I'm not. Maybe once or twice you see a cut or some blood, but for the most part Gunan's huge sword manages to kill people without inflicting any noticeable bodily harm. (Maybe it's a magic sword?) Gunan gets the drop on Nuriak and is about to kill him, but then decides to make a small speech. This allows the ONLY Ungat archer in existence, to mortally wound Gunan (I can't believe they could only afford one bow and arrow for this movie).
Gunan escapes his foes and stumbles all the way back to the Kuniats. Marga nurses Gunan back to health with her magic skills and he is soon back on his feet. Instead of going back out after Nuriak, he wanders along the beach and discovers a topless blonde girl bathing in the surf. This is Lenne, and in about two minutes, she will officially be in love with Gunan. Marga sees the two of them kiss and is heartbroken. So what does she do? Well first she flaunts herself and tries to have sex with Gunan. But he'll have none of that since its sacrilege to touch a Kuniat in that manner. Though Gunan has won that round, he's put to the test once again. You see, him falling in love with Lenne is illegal I guess, so he is to be banished since he's like a family member to the Kuriats. Instead of leaving though, he challenges a Kuniats warrior to a battle. He seems to have the upper hand in the fight until the Kuniat uses her magic shield. He loses, but for his bravery he is allowed to stay until he completes his quest (you know, the one he's shirked just because he's in love?).
Later on, Gunan and Lenne are having a romantic walk in the forest when suddenly three guys attack. They knock out Gunan and tie him to a tree and then knock out Lenne and try to rape her. They would have succeeded if they had only just done the deed and left. But no, they have to fight over who goes first. Lenne comes to, gets up, and runs like hell. And somehow she manages to stay ahead of her three pursuers (watching her run topless was the high point of this movie). Meanwhile, Gunan awakens, and easily escapes from his predicament. He comes to Lenne's aid and dispathes those three guys with extreme prejudice (one has his neck broken, the second is smashed face first into a tree, and the third is given the back breaker!). Afterwards, they discuss Gunan's quest; Lenne complains that Marga has it in for her, but Gunan insists that Marga can be trusted.
Soon enough we discover that he's wrong. Marga, in a fit of jealousy, kidnaps and escorts Lenne to the Ungat lair as a "gift." Nuriak then uses the tantalizing blonde as bait to lure Gunan. Sure enough, Gunan comes to the rescue (and yes there were plenty of slow motion shots of him running) and he ends up getting captured. Gunan is then strapped to a table and a topless Lenne is forced to lie on top of him. Then a bed of wooden spikes is placed on Lenne's back, and every time she or Gunan move, the spikes sink in a little deeper. This is actually a quite original torture idea. First the spikes kill the one you love, and if you struggle too much, you will share the same fate. So what happens? Do the spikes kill Lenne? Do the Kuniats come to the rescue? Is there some type of divine intervention?! No, not yet, and No again. But Gunan does learn that Nuriak is his father! (GASP!)
After Nuriak and his men leave the room, Lenne slips out of the rope that is binding her wrists. This allows her to untie Gunan who pushes up the bed of spikes, thus freeing them both. Gunan then grabs his sword and medallion which are conveniently hanging on the nearby wall, and heads out to kick some arse! As he battles his way through the Ungats (with a surprisingly bloody sword. Even Gunan is surprised by this, as he holds up and gazes at his bloodied sword.) the Kuniats arrive and provide some assistance. Soon, the Ungats are all defeated, and it's a one-on-one sword fight between Gunan and Nuriak. After a few more slow motion scenes of badly choreographed sword fighting, Gunan manages to kill Nuriak. His quest now over, Gunan leaves the Kuniats and goes out in the world to procreate with Lenne. As the movie ends, the narrator tells us that Gunan's sword was passed down over the centuries, and had ended up in many nations. It was last seen historically in the ownership of a just king who founded a grand city called Camelot. Yeah... King Arthur... sure.
So yeah, that movie was simply horrid! I usually love movies in this genre (wether it be good or bad), but I couldn't cut this one any slack at all. It wasn't the dubbing or the music that made this movie a living hell. No my friends, it was EVERYTHING ELSE! First off, the story made no sense whatsoever. Regardless if you think everything above constitutes a full plot, you are dead wrong. Also, the costumes and props were just plain terrible. How can anyone possibly fear a skinny guy in fake bearskins who's wearing a helmet with floppy rubber wings, and wielding a rubber sword? Then there's the cast: Gunan and Lenne are good, but everyone else is miscast to the extreme! Nuriak of all characters, should've looked like a warlord but no, we just get a chubby guy with a beard who isn't threatening at all. Although the parody value of Invincible Barbarian is high, I don't suggest you watch it. This one is for masochists only!

Gunan: "Go join the women, that's where you belong."

Ungat Guard: "Stop, or I'll kill you!"