Lionel Cosgrove - He's a bashful young man who is ruled over by his domineering mother Vera. Even in death (and living death), poor Lionel is still under Vera's rotting thumb. However, in the end, he stands up to his undead mother and finds true love while battling zombies.

It was over three years ago when I first discovered that Dead-Alive existed. (Thanks be to Andrew Borntreger!) I sought out the movie but only managed to get the R-Rated version on video tape (this is probably around the dawning of DVD technology) and I loved it. But once I did upgrade from VHS to DVD, the unrated cut of Dead-Alive was one of my first purchases (I only payed $9.99 for it too! Hahahahaha! Now it goes for $22.99 or more!) and after watching it, I fell in love with the movie all over again! It's so much fun to watch, and buried beneath all the blood, guts, and zombies, is a coming of age tale. So not only is it fun, but it tells an actual story and is well made!

The movie opens with a zoo official and his guide carrying a crate through a rocky gorge on Skull Island (King Kong's home I assume). Inside said crate is a Sumatran Rat Monkey (which is supposedly the resulting offspring of rats and tree monkeys!). The two men are suddenly surrounded by an army of natives who want the monkey to be released. Instead the zoo official scares them off with a machine gun and runs off with the crate. He makes it to his jeep and rides off with two of his guides (leaving the third one behind). Once the third guide catches up, he sees that the zoo official has been bitten by the Rat Monkey. The Zoo Official is then hacked to pieces (Singail!) and the opening credits roll.

Despite the loss of the zoo official, the guides take the Rat Monkey to an airport and are paid for their delivery. The Rat Monkey then flies first class to New Zealand where it takes up residence. In the meantime, we get acquainted with our main characters. First we meet the deliciously cute Paquita Maria Sanchez, a young girl who works at her parent's grocery store. She has a big crush on Roger, the local deliveryman. Seeing that her daughter is looking for love, Paquita's creepy mother gives her a tarot card reading. This is where Paquita learns that she will find her true love under the symbol of a star and a moon. As Mama Sanchez continues her reading, the Oppression card makes an appearance (that's a bad thing methinks). Paquita questions it, but her mother dodges her queries. Just as this happens, Lionel walks into the grocery store to get his order for "Mum."

At first, Paquita is quite rude to poor Lionel, until he knocks over some pencils on the counter. The pencils form the aforementioned symbol of the star and moon and Paquita realizes that the quivering momma's boy in front her is her true love! They both exchange uneasy glances (well, Lionel was the uneasy one. It's not often that a Latina cutie stares at you like that. Lucky bastard.) as Lionel slowly backs out the door and hops onto a trolley car, Indiana Jones style. Later that day, we finally get to meet the thorn in Lionel's side, namely Vera Cosgrove (a.k.a. Mum). All this woman does is use and control Lionel, and it always seems like nothing he does is good enough for her. She becomes even more frantic and power mad when she gets a letter from the President of the WLWL. (The ahm... Women's League of Welfare Loggers? Hell I don't know!)

Apparently, Vera was chosen to become a member of the WLWL committee. (Ok... Women's Lingerie and Wedding Lectures?) In her great moment of pride she barks orders to Lionel: "Polish the windows!" "Look at this, there's an inch of dust on everything!" "You call this a well-maintained frontage?!" Instead of speaking up for himself, Lionel just puts his head down and mows the front lawn. As he does so, Paquita delivers his groceries and flirts with him. Then she puts him on the spot and basically asks him out on a date. The next day they go to the zoo and have a great time (despite Lionel's sudden flashback to his father's demise. The poor guy believes that his father died in a freak drowning accident in the ocean.). Little do they know that Vera has been following them and watching them the whole time.

This is where the movie starts getting fun and where we see for the first and last time, the fabled Sumatran Rat Monkey! Lionel and Paquita watch in horror as it kills a monkey in a neighboring cage and eats one of its appendages. The Rat Monkey itself is hilarious to see. It looks like Mickey Mouse was irradiated to the extreme, resulting in a carnivorous little beastie! The two love birds, decide to cuddle on a bench. Ah yes, it's a completely perfect day. Perfect that is, until Vera slips on a banana peel and falls back onto the Rat Monkey cage. The voracious critter takes a bite out of Vera's arm, but she isn't helpless. She knocks it down and stomps on the Rat Monkey's head until its eyes pop out! Lionel takes his wounded mother home, leaving poor Paquita behind with a confused and hurt look on her face.

Once night falls, Lionel puts Vera in bed and decides to hit the hay. However, Paquita shows up with other plans and stays the night. As they fool around, Vera is slowly claimed by the Rat Monkey virus. When morning comes, Lionel is extremely happy and good natured... until he sees his "Mum." The wound on her arm is horribly infected and what's even worse is that her skin seems to be rotting (nothing a little glue couldn't fix though). On top of that, the President of the WLWL (Wacky Lizards Wrestle in Leotards?!), Nora, and her husband have arrived and are eagerly awaiting dinner, which is terribly awkward to say the least. Especially when Nora watches in disgust as a glob of pus blasts out of Vera's arm and lands in her husband's custard. The guy is completely oblivious and eats a huge spoonful of pustard (get it?! It's pus with ... custard in it... ha ... ha...?), causing Nora to get very ill. Afterwards, Nora and her husband leave and Lionel cleans up the house. Paquita arrives later on and warns Lionel that dark forces are amassing against him. Their discussion is cut short once they hear a commotion upstairs. Lionel runs into Vera's room and finds that she ate Paquita's dog ("Not all of it.")!

Vera then lunges for Paquita but Lionel steps in and wrestles with his mother. The two of them tumble downstairs, and Lionel holds Vera in his arms while Paquita fetches Nurse McTavish. Once the nurse arrives though, Lionel's mother is clinically dead. Suddenly, Vera arises and kills Nurse McTavish who also becomes a zombie! With a little luck, Lionel manages to lock them both in the cellar. From this point on, things start spiraling way out of control. Lionel starts cutting himself off from Paquita and the rest of the world, and only travels outside to get sedatives to keep his undead housemates in check. But it seems that no matter what, something always goes wrong and more zombies are created. What started with just one zombie, soon becomes five! (Nurse McTavish, Vera, Father McGruder, Void [a punk who was dumb enough to piss on Vera's grave], and a zombie baby who is the lovechild of Zombie McTavish and Zombie McGruder!) Later I might add, Lionel takes said zombie baby for a walk in the park and ends up beating the hell out of it. It was a great scene too because some random drunk is cheering Lionel on (YEEEEEAH!) while two women stare on disapprovingly.

Later in the movie, Uncle Les shows up and blackmails Lionel after discovering the corpses in the basement. To avoid going to prison, Lionel agrees to give Les the house and his inheritance money. But once you hit rock bottom folks, the only way you can go is up! Now we've come to the end of the tale, where Lionel finally gets his life back. Uncle Les is having a huge party at his newly acquired home which draws Paquita's attention. Uncle Les, being the horny bastard that he is, tries to put some moves on Paquita and ends up with her knee in his crotch. She runs down to the cellar to hide and is attacked by a zombie. Lionel rescues her and she soon realizes why he's been such a loner lately. With her help, Lionel administers some poison to each zombie and buries them in the basement's earthen floor. With their task completed, they decide to leave the house. But their plans are ruined by the monstrous Uncle Les.

He tosses Lionel back into the basement and tries to have his way with Paquita. This is where Lionel discovers his huge mistake! Apparently the poison he used on the zombies was an animal stimulant (NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION)! The poison supercharges the zombies who escape from the basement and kill everyone at Les' party, creating an army of zombies! Lionel temporarily escapes certain undeath by hiding in the attic, where he discovers Vera's dark, hidden secret. Apparently, Lionel's father was a real ladies man and had an affair with a blonde woman. Vera killed both in a jealous rage by drowning them in a bathtub. And Lionel had witnessed all of this as a child! Lionel then fights his way downstairs to save Paquita, but ends up sailing through a window. Moments later though, he bursts through the front doors with a lawnmower and mows through the zombie horde.

The blood, gore, and limbs fly as he finishes off the remaining undead (while Paquita throws some loose hands and limbs into a blender. She also finishes off the zombified Uncle Les.)! But all is not yet well. Vera rises from the cellar as a giant zombie with extreme cellulite problems in the breast, thigh, and ass areas. She should join the Zombie Weight Watcher's Group instead of the WLWL (Wet Lesbians Wear Liederhosen?!). Lionel and Paquita run to the roof where they are trapped by Vera. This is where Lionel decides to finally confront his mother about his dad's murder and such. For his bravery, Lionel is stuffed back into Vera's womb! (Dear God! That is wrong on so many levels!)

Then Vera goes after Paquita, and just as the mammoth mother of death is about to kill the Latin beauty, Lionel bursts from his undead mother's womb! (Born again Christian taken to a whole new level!) This sends Vera falling backwards into the now burning house (zombie head impaled on light bulb socket = electrical fire). Then our two star crossed lovers escape the towering inferno and walk away. But one thing still bugs me. How is Lionel going to explain all of this to the authorities? Sure everything burnt up in the fire but how do you explain the death of fifty or more people? He better get a damn good lawyer or leave New Zealand as fast as possible!

If you haven't seen this movie yet, what are you waiting for?! It's got a good pace, good acting, great special effects, and is one of the reasons I love b-movies so much! Peter Jackson has really added a new spin on the zombie mythos, making the undead rather quick and intelligent (kind of like Rick O'Bannon did for Return of the Living Dead). Unlike the usual zombie films, the only way to stop these undead creatures is to well... obliterate them! Then there's Father McGruder, the kung-fu Catholic priest who kicks ass for the Lord! I don't know where that idea came from, but I like it! Another great thing about Dead-Alive is the makeup and special effects. There were some amazing stunts pulled off, and the rotting zombies all looked great! I just can't stress to you enough how awesome this movie is! And if you see it, be sure to get the unrated version. It's got over twelve minutes of extra gore and zombie goodness. I've also heard rumors that Dead-Alive will be released in a fully uncut 102 minute version under it's original title of Braindead. When I get more information on that, you can find it here.