"Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water - you can't get to it."	Blood Beach (1981) Directed by: Jeffrey Bloom Running Time: Approx. 92 minutes Rating: Rated R Listing on the A.K.A. Page: N/A A Second Opinion: Stomp Tokyo Buy it on VHS at: Amazon.com My Rating:

Harry- Officer of the CA Harbor Patrol who enjoys swimming to work everyday. His girlfriend is eaten by Phallicus, so he seeks solace with Cathy, his ex-girlfriend.

Cathy- Harry's old girl who has returned home to visit her mother, only to discover that her mother is nowhere to be found. She leaves the town with Harry at the end of the film.

The Old Bag Lady- Crazy old woman who wheels a shopping cart full of garbage around the boardwalk. She watches many a person get chomped by Phallicus.

Captain Pierson- John Saxon! Police chief who's taking a lot of heat from his superiors during this whole monster situation.

Royko- Burt Young! You know if you switch the letters around a bit...you get the word Rooky. Anyways he's really obnoxious and tells things the way they are (even at the expense of other people's emotions). Ignores the scientist and blows up Phallicus.

Attempted Rapist- Loses his manhood to Phallicus!

Beachgoers, Harry's Girl, and other Random People- Phallicus fodder! Hehehe.

Phallicus- Not the actual name of the monster. I called it this not only because it chews off a guy's Johnson (OUCH!), but when you finally see it in the end, it looks like a giant penis! Kinda degrading when you're eaten by that huh? Actually it's a type of giant worm creature that sucks people down in the sand. It's blown up against the wishes of a scientist and Each piece of the creature forms a new one, which puts our main characters into an even worse situation.

I first caught this flick on TBS a few years ago, sometime at 3 o'clock in the morning. Since then it's been out of print and hard to find. Thank god for "Hollywood Liquidators!" At first glance one would assume that this is a low budget rip-off of Tremors. Wrooooonnngg! If it had been made 10 years later...you'd be exactly right! The fact is, that this flick and also "Dune" were probably the inspiration for the ongoing "Tremors" franchise. Ok that's enough digressing for now. Early one morning Harry jogs out of his house, eager to swim his scrawny arse to work (at the California Harbor Patrol). He runs into Ruth (Cathy's mother) who's walking her dog along the beach.
Harry greets her for a bit then dives into the ocean and begins to swim away. Back on the beach, Ruth is enjoying her stroll until her foot gets caught in the sand. "Ruth screams but there is no escape. The sand pulsates, like a heartbeat - and then nothing." So speaks the back of the video box. Hehehehe. Hearing her screams, Harry frantically swims back to shore but gets there only to find the dog barking hysterically at the sand. This disappearance has dumbfounded the local police authority (no surpise there). Nothing is really done until Ruth's dog is decapitated by what a coroner believed was a very large man with huge hands and long pointy fingernails (what genius), and then a teenage girl buried in the sand has her legs nearly taken off.
By now, Cathy has returned and refuses to accept the true fate of her mother (which is a plot point completely neglected for the second half of the movie). She begins to get close to her ex-boyfriend again which is made possible by an act of Phallicus (the monster devours Harry's girl). Meanwhile the monster continues it's silent rampage on the beach while the authorities desperately seek an answer to their problem. Now if I may digress a bit here, I think that Phallicus is what some would call a tragic hero. Sure he ate a good number of innocent humans and their pets, but he saved a girl from a rapist, and got Cathy and Harry back together! C'mon ... agree with me ... pleeeaase?!
Getting back to the plot now, Harry and Cathy have gotten really close and are talking about the monster. Cathy blurts out "Hey maybe it has a place to live!" Ok good idea...but where? Probably a dark, dank, and damp place. Then Harry is reminded of a place that he and Cathy used to hide out. Harry goes there and finds nothing (but later tells a police officer, "I got the shakes."). Therefore it must be the monster's lair! Cathy goes down and ivestigates the supposed lair on her own. As she's wandering about, Harry and a police officer also venture in behind her. Cathy discovers a slew of chewed up limbs and screams in a fit of hysteria. Luckily our two brave men come to her rescue. So the authorities set up video cameras, infrared cameras, and lights within Phallicus' home (not to mention planting a few tons of TNT here and there).
Rokyo and a scientist sit within a trailer watching numerous monitors, while waiting for the monster to appear. The scientist makes a statement saying that blowing the monster up would result in creating many more, due to it's (possible) regenerative abilities. Minutes later the monster pops up and the viewing audience is treated to one of the most pathetic creatures ever to grace the screen. A giant penis with a larger than average, tooth filled, urethra! Royko wastes no time and stomps upon the plunger thus blowing the monster to "smithereens." At the end we see that Cathy and Harry are leaving the town together, and that there are now dozens of small phallus monsters attempting to eat beachgoers. Why doesn't anyone ever listen to the scientist?

Royko: "No sense of humor around here. That's what's wrong with this world."

Captain Pierson: "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, you can't get to it."

Royko: "Hey Harry what color are your stewardess' eyes?" (Holds up a ziploc bag with a bloody eye in it.)

Scientist: "What if I'm right. What will happen after we push the plunger and blow this poor creature into smithereens? What might become of each smithereen?"