The Farmer's Daughters

"So they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you are the new stud in town?, I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don't you ? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house. We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

"You're on," said the young rooster, "and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap, I'll still win easy."

So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. after the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the young roosters chasing after the old rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself... "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

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Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the Net

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."

3. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

7. You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

9. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.

10. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem.

~~~ You succeed.

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Understanding Women

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding

If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'
If you don't you are half a man

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a play boy
If you don't, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't , she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel
If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics

If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

Oh Lord! you created those creature called "WOMAN'

So simple, yet so complex

So weak, yet so powerful

So confusing, yet so desirable
"O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN"

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Why I Am So Tired

I'm tired. For a couple of years I've been blaming it on my iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of the USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting there reading this.

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?

Why Bosses Are Full of Shit

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said to the other parts of the body, Since I control everything and do all the thinking, therefore I should be boss!

And the feet said, Since I carry Man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, so I should be boss!

And the hands said, Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be boss instead!

And the eyes said, Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, surely I should be boss!

And so were the mouth, the lungs and the heart arguing over who should be the boss and finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that he should be made boss. All of the other parts broke out in laughter at the idea of an asshole being made boss. The asshole was very angry and felt insulted that he decided to block himself off and refused to let anything come out of it.

Soon after several days and weeks, the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the feet became too weak to walk, the hands hung limply at the sides, the mouth cant eat anything, and the lungs and the heart struggled to keep going... Finally all of them pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss over all the other parts.

And so it happened. All the other parts resumed their functions and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit...

The moral of the story is: You don't have to have a brain to be boss, just an asshole!

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Evil Eye

The patient suddenly heard a scream and when he turned to look, his doctor was ashen faced and quivering in his shoes. What's wrong, doc? In my career, I have looked down thousands of rectums, but this is the first time that I've had one looked back at me. Back To Top

Hot Dog

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.

One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat dogs in America?

"I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled.

"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."

The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

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Spot!

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

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Mothers' Pride

Four mothers got together and were discussing their sons.

"Our family has a Royal blood." said the first proud woman. "When my son enters a room, people look at him and say, 'Oh, Your Highness'" The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Excellency'" "My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Eminence'" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is short, weighs 185 kilos, and bald," she said, "When he enters a room, people look at him and say, "Oh My God !"

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Old Enough To Start Cussing

Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says, "I think I'm old enough to start cussing."

Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?"

Older boy, "Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say."

Younger boy, "I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass', Dad says that all the time.

They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the older one, "What would you like for breakfast dear?"

He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops."

Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Fruit Loops!"

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Who is the Father??

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

�The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

?#034;Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

?#034;It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

?#034;What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

?#034;You gave birth to a child."

?#034;But that's impossible!"

?#034;I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

�About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

�The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

�The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

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Back up!!

A little boy and his mother were waiting in line at the supermarket andin front of them was a huge, fat woman. Suddenly the fat lady's pager went off. "Mom, look out! she's backing up!" Back To Top

Clairvoyant Little Boy

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa. "The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

�A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.

�A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy."

�His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck hehired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words,"Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

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Being a Communist

A man goes to the doctor for a check-up. After the check-up, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live." The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist." The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?" The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us." Back To Top

Sex Therapist

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"

�The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."

�The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."

�After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions."

�This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

�The man replied, "No, actually the problem is that if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge $35, and Medicare pays half of that."

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I'm Going To Be A Builder When I Grow Up

Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old.

He was bugging Mother so she said, "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you'll learn something."

Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned.

Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side and put the Mother fucker back up."

Jimmy's Mother said, "you wait till your Dad comes home." When Jimmy's dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his dad the whole story. Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get the switch."

Jimmy replied, "Fuck you, that's the Electrician's job."

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Little Tommy's Dead Frog

One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (FX: thud thud thud etc.) He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this."

Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a ?0 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right" comes the reply as the ?0 vanishes.

Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries. "No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another ?0 appears. "Ahh, last door on the left..." he is told.

Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (avec frog) when she calls him back.

"I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"

"Well," says Tommy, "When I go home, the baby-sitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy will go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

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Killing Wife

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."

�The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."

?#034;Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away."

�He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

�Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

?#034;What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?"

?#034;Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."

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Subject of Spelling

In a train carriage one day were two small boys and a middle aged woman reading a book. The two small boys were having a deep heated discussion on the subject of spelling.

?#034;Its spelt ' W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B '"

?#034;No its not. It's spelt ' W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'"

�The lady leans over and says "Excuse me, but I think you'll find its spelt'W-O-M-B'"

�First little boy replies " Nah, I bet you've never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart underwater !"

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Guy at a bar

A man ordered four expensive 30-year-old single malts and had the bartender line them up in front of him. Then, without pausing, he downed each one. "Whew," the barkeep remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."

"You would be too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.

"Fifty cents."

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Trick or Treat

There were these two children of color trying to decide what to get dressed as to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Finally the oldest one, Robert, turned to his sister Francine and said, "I know, we'll go as Hansel and Gretel."

Well, they dressed up as Hansel and Gretel on Halloween night and off they went to ring doorbells all over the neighbourhood. They came to a house on the end of their block and Robert rang the doorbell.

"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled in unison.

The old man at the door peered down at them and said. "And who are you?"

"Why, we're Hansel and Gretel," Robert said.

The man shook his head. "You can't be Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel were white." And then he slammed the door on their faces.

Well Robert and Francine went back to their house and Robert thought furiously. "I know," he said. "You can go as Little Bo Peep and I'll go as Little Boy Blue."

So they changed quickly into their new costumes and headed back out the door. A few minutes later, they found themselves at the same house as earlier.

?#034;Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled again as the door opened.

Once again the man stared down at them and said, "Who might you be." "Why we're Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue," Robert said. The man shook his head and said. "You can't be Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue. They were white." And he slammed the door on their faces.

Robert and Francine walked back to the house, their candy bags empty. But Robert got an idea and quickly slipped out of his costume. Then he helped Francine out of hers.

When the knock came at the door, the old man grabbed his basket of candy and opened the door. Much to his surprise, there were two naked black children standing on his porch.

?#034;Well, what do we have here," he asked.

?#034;Two M&Ms," Robert said. "One with nuts and one without."

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Why is one side longer?

When geese fly in a "V", why is one side longer??
Because there are more geese on that side Back To Top

Make the horse laugh

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar with money in it and a horse standing next to it. The bartender told the man to put a dollar in the jar and make the horse laugh. So the man put a dollar into the jar and told the horse something. Suddenly the horse began to laugh hysterically. The man took the money and left.

The next day the man walked into the bar and saw the jar of money and the horse standing next to it. This time, the bartender told the man to make the horse cry. the man put a dollar in the jar, walked over to the horse, and the horse began to cry. The man took the money and as he was about to leave when the bartender asked him...

"How did you do that?" the man replied, "On thr first day, I told the horse my dick was longer than his, and on the second day, I showed him."

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BAby Mole

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes." The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses." Back To Top

Bear And Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fir?", and the rabbit replies "No, not really." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his bum with it. Back To Top

Fella With A Parrot

So there's this fella with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor, an absolute pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet . At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's worried enough to open the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did that chicken do to you?"

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Run With Tennis Shoes

Two campers are walking around up in the mountains. Suddenly a bear comes running out of the woods only a hundred feet away. But instead of running away one of the guys throws down his pack and takes out his tennis shoes. He then changes out of his boots. "What are you doing " asked his friend? "You can't outrun a bear." His friend looks up at him and replies... "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you." Back To Top

Do You Have Any Duck Food??

A duck walks into a harware store and asks the manager "do you have any duck food?" and he says"NO, this is a hardware store go away." the duck comes in everyday that week. The manager gets really mad. On Friday when the duck comes in, he says ," If you ask me for duck food anymore, I'll nail your feet to everyday that week. The manager gets really mad. On Friday when the duck comes in, he says ," If you ask me for duck food anymore, I'll nail your feet to the floor!" He doesn't see the duck for 3 days then he comes into the hardware store and asks," do you have any nails?'' the manager says "No." then the duck says," Oh, do you have any duck food?" Back To Top

A Cowboy's Three Wishes

A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.

"You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."

The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse."

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her.

"Second wish," said the Chief.

"I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy.

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back.

The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before.

"This is your last wish," said the Chief, "make it a good one."

"I'll need my horse again."

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's.

"I said POSSE!"

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Mickey And Minnie's Divoice

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge said, "Look here, Mr. Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie."

Mickey was stunned. "Why not?"

"I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the allegation that she is crazy."

"Your Honor," Mickey retorted, "I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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?#060;FONT FACE="Comic Sans MS">Kill Your Wife

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him:

"Do you love your wife?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"Do you love your country?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"What do you love more, your wife or your country?"
"My country, sir."
"Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.

The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!" "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

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Condoms

A little boy and his father walk into a drugstore and proceed down the aisle with the condoms. The little boy sees a 3-pack of Trojans and asks his father who needs a 3-pack of condoms. The father replies, "That's for the high school boys, one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night." The little boy then asks, "Well, what about this 6-pack of condoms?" The father says, "That's for the college boys, two on Friday, two on Saturday, and two on Sunday." The little boy's eyes widen when he sees the 12-pack of condoms and asks incredously, "What kind of man needs a 12-pack?" The father replies, "Relax, son, that's for the married man, one for January, one for February,....." Back To Top

The Last Request

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.

"Well?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"

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Stupid Wife

An Englishman, an American and a German were sitting in a bar, drinking Beer(as they do), and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The American agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The German nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!

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Reporter

Bill and Marla had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by. " A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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Snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and shouted: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

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Psychology

A guys goes in a bar and orders for a beer. After a while this really gorgeous woman walks in and sits beside him. He starts thinking about talking her into bed with him and kindly turns to her: " Hi. Would you like me to buy you a drink?"

The woman turns to him and screams to the top of her lungs: "WHAT? YOU WANT TO FUCK ME? NO WAY!"

Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all the people are staring at the guy as the woman was leaving. The guy gets really embarrassed and stands still on his stool as if nothing had happened. After a while the same woman walks in, approaches him and tells him: "I'm sorry about that little incident but you see I'm a psychology graduate and I wanted to see how people reach to embarrassing situations."

The guy then yells: "WHAT? TWO HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB?"

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TTTFUCKIT

On the last day of school this was written on the blackboard,
TTT1O
TTT1A
TTTFUCKIT
So the teacher walks in and see's this and says ok who wrote this on the board? And Sally said teacher I wrote the first one, so the teacher says come up and explain it.
Sally says that TTT1O means TO The Teacher One Orange.
THe teacher thanks Sally and says who wrote the other one?
Little Joey says I did and explains it TTTIA means To The Teacher One Apple
And the teacher thanks Joey And says who wrote the last one I'm a little upset with you and I dont know if I want you in my class next year.
And little Jose in the back says teacher teacher I did and goes up and explains it TTTFUCKIT means To The Teacher From Us Chicano Kids 1 Taco. Back To Top

Puppies!!

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating.

The little boy asked his Dad what was happening.

The Father replied, "Well, son, they're making a puppy."

The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water.

Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.

Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.

The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionanle little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little brother."

The little boy replied ,"Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"

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Cured

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did.

Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

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Stomping insect

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. "That was a honey bee," his father said, "One of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "One of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey and butter.) Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"

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Graduated Person

Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

�The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

�The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door said: "I graduated from Penn State and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

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The Jar

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

�The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

�The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

?#034;Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

�Then I tried with- my left hand, but still nothing.

�Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing.

�Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth- out, and still nothing.

�We even called up the lady next door and- she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

�The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

�the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

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Kissing The Mirror

At a school in Oregon, the young girls were just starting to wear lipstick. They would go into the bathroom and put on their lipstick and kiss the mirror to blot it. The janitor was having a terrible time trying to get the mirror clean and keep it clean. He talked to the principle and the principle tried to talk to the girls, explaining how hard it was to clean the mirror of the lipstick. It did no good, so he had all the girls come into the bathroom with the janitor so he could show them how hard it was to clean the mirror. The janitor took the scrub brush and scrubbed and scrubbed, the mirror was still a mess, and then he dipped the brush in the toilet and went back to the mirror and scrubbed again. There has been no one kissing the mirror since. Back To Top

Wishing Well

A couple comes upon a wishing well. The husband leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny. The wife decides to make a wish, too. But she leans over too much, falls into the well and drowns. Stunned, the husband smiles broadly and exclaims, "It really works!" Back To Top

2000 Dollars Parrot

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:

"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.
The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."
Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

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A Taxi Driver

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." Back To Top

Wish

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

�After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).

�They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now an quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one."

�The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"

?#034;Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer.

?#034;Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."

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Late For The Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know Who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice

. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

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For the Sick

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'." ?#060;FONT FACE="Comic Sans MS">Back To Top

Horrible Language

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" Mom asked. "Oh, mother," she began, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff? I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!" And the new bride sobbed over the telephone. "But, honey," the mother countered, "what four-letter words?" "I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used." Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook." Back To Top

Lesbian

?#060;FONT FACE="Comic Sans MS">A guy sits down at the bar and sees a real beauty sitting at the other end. He tells the bartender to get a drink for her.

?#034;Don't bother dude, she's a lesbian."

?#034;I don't care!" says the guy, "Gimme the drink and I'll take it over myself..."

So the guy slides up and sits down next to the lady and says:

"So babe, what part of Lesbia are you from?".

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