The Dream
This is so hard for me to write. It is about choices ... not physical choices
such as what I wear or whether the bread and blackwine will be made fresh each
morning. I have no choice in those things. I cannot choose if I will be kept or
sold, beaten or caressed, indulged or not. There are choices of the heart,
however, that are only mine to make.
The dream has come to me regularly for some time now. At first I'd awaken, my
mind refusing to see the end of it. If I could, I would still deny the dream and
its meaning. I can't. I told it to him the other night ... no explanations, no
circuitous dancing about it. Just the dream. I did not -- could not -- look at
him directly as I spoke ... but could see from my sidelong glance that he
understood the subcontext immediately.
In the dream I am standing in the middle of the Great Room at Samsara Keep. The
room is lit only by the remaining embers in the hearth. I have already
extinguished the lamps for the night. Everyone has gone to bed... there is a
hush in the house. In it I swear I can hear my heart pounding.
The darkness at the edges of the room obscures the doorway to the kitchen area,
the larger wooden door leading outside ... the stairs leading up and the
hallway.
I drop to my knees ... if I don't, I will run ... out the back, out the front
door. It doesn't matter. I will run if I don't still immediately.
There is a deep wrenching within me and I look from one side of the room to the
other. From stairs to hall. Furs to mat.
I must choose. I know I must get to my feet and go to one or the other.
Perhaps I am simply avoiding writing the conclusion because there are chores to
be done ... perhaps I am avoiding it because to me, even more than the spoken
word, once words are put to paper, there is no taking it back. It becomes real
and binding. Regardless, I must make fresh blackwine and I have neglected to put
on lip cosmetics. Yes ... I'm sure I am not avoiding anything. I simply need to
gloss my lips. A damn fine ass only goes so far unless a girl is wearing
lipgloss.