Happy Birthday Mark Stewart Jay Pullan
February 19, 2004
I have been thinking about you on and off all day.

You would have been 34 today and I miss you so much...I talked to your picture today...the one where you are 24 (god it's been 10 years) and your laying on your bed in that one room apartment in Avon and you have the sweetest look on your face. 

Did I tell you I miss you so much.  I miss the way you loved me no matter what I did.  I miss the way you would tell me when I was being a fool and when you were proud of me.  I miss the way you looked at me...like I was just so beautiful to you.  I miss you watching football and yelling at the TV...bet you'd never have thought that I would miss that huh :o)   I miss the way you looked at Tyler.  You know he misses you so much.  Sometimes at night when he is having trouble falling asleep he tells me he misses you.  I know he misses the same things about you that I do. 

It's been 2 years now since you died and sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago and sometimes it seems like your arms were around me just yesterday and you were passionately kissing me and telling me that you would see me on Monday night and to drive carefully. 

Today I bought Mikey a new complete skateboard from you as a gift.  Yesterday Tyler was saying how much he wanted a skateboard and I told Mikey if he gave his to Tyler I would buy him a new complete.  And I knew it was you that sent me that idea. 

Ethan misses you so much...he called 2x today and I missed both of the calls but I know why he is calling today...no one else called to mention it...but Ethan he has as much trouble letting you go as I do.  He called me on your death anniversary too.  I don't know what I believe about death. 

You know I saw you in Wayne at the last Gathering and it scared the fuck out of me because I don't want to see you anywhere but in you...in that body that you were in...I don't want a different Mark...I miss my Mark. 

I miss making love to you.  I've had sex but it will never be the way it was with you.  You opened me up so much Mark I didn't even know how shut down a person I was until I met such a free person in you.  My heart is lighter now than it has been in the past 2 years .... on the 11th I just thought of you and smiled...it wasn't that heart wrenching pain that was once there...and yet even the gentle pain that I feel now is like a tender bruise on my heart and soul. 

Mikey mentioned today that he really wants a motorcycle and I was telling him that if I hadn't known you I would never have even considered letting him get a bike but because of you...the way you loved your bike so much ... I only wish him the same experience.  To love to ride like you did...to love a bike like you did.  I don't think you could have left this world in any other way than with your bike.  Doesn't mean I won't be nervous if Mikey does get one but I will also be supportive.  Me and you we had some great times on that bike...some good rides out in the desert and all over the state. 

My stomach hasn't been feeling very good this month...I have been exhausted alot lately for no apparent reason...if you hear my heart than hold me close.  I start a new job on Monday...gonna be working at home as my own business contracted by another company that is right around the corner from this house. 

Oh and this house...thank you Mark for making it all happen.  I was surprised that Intel had offered you so many benefits.  I know I was a bit nuts for awhile after you died and before but probably more so after and I couldn't understand how you forgot to send in the beneficiary info...I know it has all worked out perfectly and there has been nothing to worry about I just want you to know that I didn't mean to be so upset about the money.  Thank god now that the paperwork never did get to them because we probably wouldn't have a house and a car and enough to get by every month...thank you for taking the AD&D I know you didn't anticipate the way things went but you sure did plan for incase it did. 

I hope you are proud of me.  I love you so much.  I don't know if I will ever love the way I did with you again.  If I never do it won't make any difference at all...your love is carrying me through the rest of my days.

~Your Joy
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