Getting to know Me

I thought that you'd get a kick out of the music I picked for this page. *S* OK, who am I? It would be much easier to tell you who I used to be.

A long time ago I was a Great Grand Daughter, with the most loving Great Gramma ever. I will always believe that the creative side of my spirit was molded by her hands. She cleaned the church that we belonged to and took me with her some times to help. She never said, "Don't do it that way." Or , "Watch out what your doing. You'll break something." She had so much patience. God Love her. She taught me to make bread and pies and had a garage full of goodies to expand your imagination.

Then, of course, I was a Grand Daughter. My Father had died when I was 2 1/2 years old and my Mom had to work full time. That wasn't done a lot back when I was little. My Grand Parents became my whole world. I didn't get to spend a lot of time with my Mom. Even though we lived in the same apartment. By the time she got home from work and we ate dinner it was time for bed.

My Grand Father became the Dad I never new, I loved him dearly. When he died I was 16 and it was my first feeling of true loss. I had been the only one he had told, two weeks before he died, that he was going home to heaven. That day will always be imprinted in my mind. At that time I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen in my life. I can sit back now and see, that what we think is the worst, is only the worst at that time in our lives. My Grand Mother would have told me, these things build character.

Most of my religious up bringing came from my Grand parents. I sang in church choir from the time I was about ten. I may not be great but I put my heart into it. Bet your glad you don't stand next to me. *S* Singing in church choir is where I met my future Sister-in-law. I'd known her for two years before I got invited over to meet her Mom. We lived in the city, her Mom in the suburbs. We brought another girl friend with us to her Mom's. Supposedly to meet her brother, she was trying to fix them up. Guess you can kind of figure out that didn't work out. LOL Well, I got the guy instead. And boy when I fell, I fell hook line and sinker.

I never had trouble remembering when I met Harry, it was on his birthday. Let me tell you, kissing a guy on his birthday can be devastating. *S* We were married a year and a half latter. Harry was a trucker by profession and later in life he became a limo driver. Harry had been married before and had two children. A daughter, Pattie and a son, Harry Jr., who only goes by the name of Butch. His Gramma named him that when he was born and its never changed.

Harry and I tried to have children but after 4 miscarriages I prayed to God and told him, I just couldn't stand to lose any more. Any time you want to question God's ways just think. He sent me Harry with a built in family because He knew that I wasn't going to have any of my own. I couldn't have planed that any better, could you? So now I'm a Mother and a Grand Mother of 4. Patti has two boy's, Nicholas and Jason. Buthch has a daughter, Emily and a son Patrick. I miss seeing both my children and Grand children, every one lives so far away from me.

Harry and I celebrated our 30 Th. wedding anniversary on August 7 Th. 1995. He had a habit of always add a year on right before that year ended. So that year just like always he was saying, "Well Joy it's 31 years now." I do believe he was very proud to have been married that many years. Marriage is work, love is easy but I believe you have to work at a marriage. It becomes better for all the bed and good times you work through together.

Harry had not been in the best of health for a long time. He'd already had one open heart surgery almost 5 years before, in 1990. We had just become used to how he felt. Death is never some thing you have at the front of your mind. It was Christmas eve, December 24, 1995 at about 12:50 am, when he came down stairs to tell me he just wasn't feeling good. Five minutes later I was calling an ambulance. From then on every thing just sort of went in slow motion for me. It took then more the 3 hours to try to stabilize him in the emergency room. He was having a major heart attack. They said he need surgery again but they need to keep him stable for as long as they could to try and give his heart a chance to try to recuperate from the attach. Doctors don't like to operate on Christmas holidays if at all possible. Now I know why.

The next few days he seem so much better. He even wanted to go home. By now they had him on a heart pump. I don't think he ever really realized how bad things were. They had to transfer him to another hospital for the surgery. In a sleet and ice storm no less. He was joking about it. Surgery was scheduled for 9 am the next day. I walked beside him down the hall that morning, kissed him and he told me he'd see me later. I went into the waiting room with a friend of ours. At 10:43 exactly I got a very bad pain in my chest. I looked at our friend and told her I knew some thing was wrong. She just looked at me. Later that after noon, when the doctor finally came to talk to me, he told us Harry had a massive heart attach during the first procedure. They couldn't tell how much brain damage was done. They'd had to rush him into another surgery and open up his chest. The next 12 to 14 hours would tell. I got to see him about 1 1/2 hours later. He was so white and wasn't conscious. He was holding his own but that wasn't going to last for long. I asked for a priest for the last rights. It took the hospital two hours to get one there. A half hour after the priest left, the doctor just said it's just a matter of time. All along I had been begging him to hang on. No I had to make the decision to tell him it was all right to go. I whispered to him and then told him I was going to sing for him but that he couldn't laugh at me. I guess that's the state of mind your in at that time. Already in shock, you just don't know it. I took him in my arms and started to sing Amazing Grace to him. I finished singing and the line on the heart monitor went flat. At least he had gone peacefully and God had given me this chance to hold him one last time in my arms.

Decisions have to be made very soon after someone passes away. I donated Harry's cornea's to the eye bank. And his body to medical research. These were decisions we had made a long time ago. It would be 7 months before I would get Harry's ashes back. One day before what would have been our 31 St. wedding anniversary. The years since have not been easy ones to handle. 23 months after Harry died my Mom passed away, it was Thanksgiving. Holidays would never be the same. I had sat up all night holding my Mom's hand the last day she was alive. She'd been in a coma also. I'd had to sign the papers to take her off life support. She had a living will but family still has to sign before they'll do what the patient wants. Just another step in life that your never prepared for. I gave the eulogy at my Mothers funeral. It was hard to write but the tears were worth it. As I stood there that day, I felt very calm. It was as if I knew she and Harry were right beside me. Every day is a challenge for me still.

Some days are good some harder to face. With out my faith in God I would never have made it this far. One day in church about 8 months after Harry died, I closed my eyes and prayed. I heard a voice say to me, "My daughter, My wings will always protect you". I do believe God talked to me that day. It was a voice I'll never forget. I lean on Him all the time. He's always there when ever I need Him, and I learned how to thank Him for the many great things He's given me, my family