TAXED TO THE MAX
Parenting through tough love teen years

How do you deal with a teenager who just pays no attention to the rules of the household?  Who is totally self-absorbed, and irresponsible?  I don’t know how others do it, but my husband and I spent many miserable years trying first one thing and then another to attempt to get our son on the right path to adulthood.

Let’s back up a little.  Our son, Ted (name has been changed to protect privacy), suffered from Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), but without the hyperactivity that often accompanies it.  He did poorly from day one in kindergarten, and eventually dropped out after he turned 18.  His circle of friends was limited to those who hated themselves and their lives as much as our son did.  Special education, severe discipline, and countless dollars spent on counseling did nothing to help our son. 

 When he turned 18, our son decided that as a legal adult, he no longer had to listen to what his father and I had to say.  He became distant and surly, staying out until all hours of the night, totally disregarding any rules we had established.  We racked our brains trying to find a way to turn things around.  Through all those years we tried every behavior modification technique known to man, all without any measurable success.

There came a day, when our son was 20, when he received a phone call during breakfast one day.  He was obviously upset about what he was hearing from his girlfriend at the other end of the line, and when he hung up, I asked him if everything was okay with her.  His response to me was short and not at all sweet:  "Why don’t you mind your own #$%^&ing business for a change?"  He followed it up by stomping across the room, and slamming the door on his way out.

I was devastated by this reply, which was more hateful than anything he had ever said to me.  I had always tried to respect my son’s privacy, never butting into his affairs with friends, and so I knew that I was only expressing concern, not trying to be nosy.  His obvious hatred for me was like a knife into my heart, and I thought I would die of the pain.  How could I still love someone who had hurt me time after time, for years on end?  I can only say that God puts the seed of maternal love into our hearts and it seems that that love can withstand almost anything—even nearly fatal pain caused by the child we love so much.

My husband and I had talked about the possibility of giving our son the choice of living with us under our house rules, or living elsewhere.  It was time to turn to truly tough love.  I couldn’t go to work the day that my son hurt me so badly, knowing that when he came home from school I would have to give him the choice.  So, I stayed home and waited for his afternoon arrival.

When Ted arrived, I told him that we loved him very much, but that  we could no longer allow him to live with us unless he agreed to abide by the same house rules that his father and I lived by.  The choice was his:  live here with these rules, or live somewhere else.  He chose somewhere else.  I wasn’t surprised.

Apparently he moved in with a number of other misfits who had nowhere else to go.  From what he told me later, it was total anarchy—people stealing others’ things, no rules whatsoever, doing whatever they wanted.  On the face of it, it sounded like exactly what Ted was looking for—a chance to make his own rules in his own space.  Unfortunately for him, his rules didn’t apply to anyone but himself, and more days than one he went to bed hungry because someone had stolen his food.  So, not many days later, he came home.

Things were better for awhile, but it didn’t last.  A few months later we were about to ask him to leave (rather than giving him the choice), when he came to us and told us that he would be leaving on Sunday.  (How fitting that was—he left on Mother’s Day.)  He had an apartment with a friend, and he wold be in touch.

He lived in the apartment for 3 months, and was evicted because of nonpayment of the rent.  His friend left in the middle of the night one night, taking all their money, and leaving him holding the bag.  Ted began to come around and beg to be taken back into our home.  But I knew in my heart of hearts that he wasn’t ready.  I cried out to God, asking Him if I was making the right choice, keeping Ted away, and received the most direct communication from Him I have ever experienced.

One afternoon that spring, I was sitting at the dining room table, with  my Bible, reading and praying.  I cried some more and asked God to give me a sign that keeping Ted away was His will.  As I sat with my head in my hands, I heard a bird song from just outside my windows.  There, on a branch that hung down in front of our porch, sat a female cardinal, along with one of her grown offspring.  The "baby" sat on the branch in its mother’s line of vision, cheeping loudly and fluttering its wings in the way that baby birds do when they want to be fed.  The mother simply turned her back on it.  The immature bird flew around into the mother’s line of vision again.  With the same result.  This happened a total of four times, and then the mother flew at the young bird, driving it away.  She then returned to the branch and carefully preened her feathers.

My mouth was still hanging open when I heard the words in my mind, "Read Genesis 3:24."  I flipped to Genesis 3 and read the account of Adam and Eve being driven from the Garden of Eden by the Lord.  And then again I heard a voice that was, at the same time, without and within:  "Do you think that because I drove My own son out of the Garden, it meant that I no longer loved him?  Do you remember that I put a flaming sword at the gate of the garden to keep him out?  Don’t you know that I love your son even more than you can imagine?  You will know when it’s time to let him come home.  Trust Me in this."

All throughout this time, my church family prayed for our son and our family.  My pastor, Mike, was a great comfort to us during this time.  When Ted eventually was arrested for sleeping in a vacant house, he called Mike, and they had some very good discussions.  Finally, Ted called and asked if I could meet him the next day to talk and if he could go to church with me. 
Over the next few days, we realized that our prodigal had truly begun to grow up.  Because he had allowed his friends to come into our home to steal our property to support their habit, he told us he would be willing to be at the house only when one of us was home.  He planned to get a job and go back to school to get his diploma.  He had truly learned a lesson this time, and was ready to put it to use, even if that meant that we wouldn’t trust him with a key to his own home.

Our son spent his first week sheltering from the heat in the shade of our garage, because we wouldn’t let him into the house when we weren’t there.  Then he moved back in fully, and in many ways he was a changed person. I wish I could tell you that it was all smooth sailing from then on.  Well, that wouldn’t be true.  There were ups and downs for us yet to live through.  But today, as our son approaches his 30s, he is a truly changed man.  He has completely grown up and is ready to shoulder the responsibilities that are required of a husband and father.

During the time that I felt so alone as the mother of a wayward son, God never let me down.  He never let me get to the point where I simply couldn’t
go on.  Every time when I was feeling weakest, He would put someone in my path that would lift me up and help me through.  My friends would drop what they were doing and come to pray with me, to talk and even to cry with me.  God IS faithful.  His mercies ARE everlasting, and they are new every morning (Ecclesiastes).  He is good, a refuge in times of trouble.  He cares for those who trust in Him (Nahum 1:7).  All these things I learned through the tough love raising of my son.  I don’t know if I would have needed to learn them had I not had this difficult time in my life.  I treasure the lessons the Lord has taught me.  Above all, I have learned that He will indeed guide me always, satisfy my needs, and strengthen my frame (Isaiah 58:11).

I pray that if you, too, are struggling with raising a headstrong, difficult teen, that you will turn to God our Father for guidance, wisdom and strength.  He will never ever forsake you, and if you listen to Him, He will give you all the help you need to get through this day and the days to come.

Love,
Bonnie