Suddenly Alone
My dear new friend, If you're reading this, you are most likely already or will soon be a widow. (I don't know about you, but I don't particularly care for the term, but I guess I'm stuck with it, because two years ago, my life's mate, my best friend died and left me here alone to face the rest of my life without him.) It’s a bummer, but I've learned a lot along the way... I don't mind us sharing a while... OK? One morning I awoke and began to go about my daily routine. It'd been a month or more since we'd buried Carl & I guess I just forgot it for the moment. I looked back to see why he was not up and stirring about - he being more of a morning person than I ever was. Then suddenly it hit me... I mean REALLY hit me! Carl is gone. He's never coming back. Oh, we've all heard it - I've even been guilty of saying it a time or two, "He's in a better place", and goodie for him (said a bit sarcastically!), but darn it all, I want him here with me now! We had plans, things to do, places to go, people to see... Now what am I gonna do without him? I sat there on the side of the bed and had myself a good long cry. Then I wiped my eyes, blew my nose and pushed myself up and moseyed on over to the window from which I could see the acreage we shared together for better than half my life - almost half our married life - our home: the things we planted side by side by the sweat of our brows, the trees and shrubs, perennials and hedges, the fruitful grapevine, no longer heavy from the harvest - and the garden with the raggedy old scarecrow the birds now used for a perch. It wasn't much, but it was ours. It was home. But even in this hurting (it'll be 2 years this December), I can't help but be light hearted. Carl had a unique sense of humor - he did the craziest things sometimes. Like one day when he asked me for my sizzors and I said I'd be there in a minute. Well I guess my minute wasn't fast enough for him, so he grabbed himself his old pocket knife and commenced to cutting his own britches. (He never could stand to see good things go to waste, do he's taken a notion to make a pair of shorts out of his old uniform pants.)So he did it! He cut them suckers off crooked as you please, with the ends of the pockets hanging out on one side, but he had a big grin on his face and was feeling right proud of himself! Carl had an uncanny sense of humor - always knew what to say and when to say it to lighten the moment. I’ll bet if he was to see me standing here slobbering & feelin' sorry for myself, he's swat my behind and say something like, "Sam, you ain't got no time for this nonsense. Now you just pull yourself together and get down there to the bakery and finish that order you got to deliver! There's people countin' on you, and we're just NOT gonna let them down. Right?” He'd give me that side ways grin he had a way of givin' me, throw me a kiss and whisper as he walked out of sight, "You know you're my one an' only gal - you know that right?" and before I could answer him, he'd add, " there's never been no one before ya, and there ain't likely gonna be one after ya. I love ya, Sam - don't ya never forget it!" I was asked to share my views with those of you who are newer to this widowhood business, so I'm gonna tell you the three things that have been the salvation of my sanity, my dignity and my sense of gratefulness in facing each new day as a gift from God: 1. Don't feel sorry for yourself. It’s a waste of time. Besides, it makes others uncomfortable around you - they don't know what to say or do...and it will soon make you look 10 years older! 2. You're not the only gal
hurting like this! You ain't the first and you darn well
won't be the last, so quit wallowing in how unfair life
is, and why he shouldn't gone and left you,
and how God woulda been more fair if he's taken you,
except Carl would never have found a blessed thing in the
house, would have half starved to death and been half
naked 3. DO something with your life!! You were not buried in that lovely spot you picked for him. There were things the two of you meant to do together that were IMPORTANT to the both of you, so find someone to help you carry out those plans: a son or daughter, a partner or best friend, a neighbor or church brother/sister, or just take your time and do it yourself. The important thing is your life can have meaning. You can sit around and wait till your time's up, or you can make a difference! I know what would make my Carl happy! What about your sweetheart? You think he’d rather know you were emptying Kleenex boxes at the rate of a tree a month, or that you are making your life mean something! Finish something you started together - the grandchildren’s area of the garden, the family history complete with pictures, quotes and the boxes of stuff you were saving to do this together in your "old age”. OK, you're not together, old age isn't here... but, hey, who ever said life'd be perfect?! FORGET REGRETS! like self-pity they are Satan's favorite trick to rob you of the life you were left here to live. Make the most of what you have and enjoy it. It is NOT a sin to be happy. It is NOT a crime to laugh. It is NOT a sign of disrespect to laugh about or at your partner that's gone on before you - the wonderful things that made your life together what it was... (you better believe if the tables were turned he'd be having a good laugh on you, and YOU know it!!!) For more years than I can recall, Carl kept a valet where he hung out his clothes for the next day at the foot of our bed. He used to hang his uniform there (during his 28 years of law enforcement) then he used it to hang out his "retirement uniform”. It looks just like the day he was carried out of this house to the ER. Every morning and every night I awake and fall asleep with the sight of the shorts he himself cut off with his pocket knife, and his see-thru T-shirt (I swear you could read the headlines right thru it!) I don't know how long I'll let these things stay there like that, but for now, they bring me comfort and a sense of security. Do whatever you have to do to bring yourself the comfort, sanity and sense of well-being you need to go on without him. We had almost 37 1/2 years together. I learned a lot from that man. I'd like to think he learned a thing of two from me. The best thing we learned from each other is: Live each day to its fullest, love with all our hearts, forgive whatever it is NOW - don't wait even a day - that might be the day the call comes to go "Home"... don't hold grudges, after a while they get pretty heavy and life becomes a drag. Make yourself two promises and always keep them: angry or not, "NEVER go to bed, or leave the house, or even the neighborhood without kissing good-bye (passionately when possible) first!" And second, "Live every day like it will be your last day on earth" not meaning this in a morbid sense, but in the sense that you make the most of every day, because, in fact, it could be your last. In short: Live with as few or NO regrets as you can! Ok, that’s all have to say for this time. I'd like to come back and chat again some time. Sound okay with you? Maybe we could compare notes, share ideas - kinda "hang out" I'll have diet pepsi on hand, how about you bring whatever suits ya, and let's see what develops OK? In the mean time, I'll pray for you and your needs - will you do the same for me? Oh, one more thing I wanna share - God's been teaching me that THIS is not HOME, but a weigh station, a stop off, a depot, a dropping off point on this "Journey" we call life. Some of us hang out a while, some only stop long enough to get "comfy" - some of us barely pass through and others settle in as though they don't ever mean to leave. The hardest thing for me to understand, and the one thing I guess I'll have to ask the Father when we get to visit face to face the first time is: "Why do some of us have to stay while others we love so much have to leave first? Why does the time between their leaving & our catching up seem so long? And, Father, dear Father of Love and Mercy and Grace, Why does it have to sting & hurt so deeply ~ so badly? Will the hurting ever stop this side of Home? I sure hope so. I'd hate to think I'm gonna feel this big empty place in the middle of me the rest of my days... I'd hate to think there's always gonna be this ache -even in the happy hours, the times of rejoicing, the family celebrations (and can this bunch I belong to find things to celebrate!!!!) There'll be graduations, promotions, engagements, marriages, births; wonderful, joyous times of celebration. But I imagine even in all the fun-having, singing, laughing, story-telling, and the like, there'll be that bit of an ache - that sore little spot barely allowed to heal over because there's always one more thing, one more time, one more celebration that he can't share with me, and I will remember... Looking forward to our next
visit, my new friend,
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