Joshie, my baby

This all feels like a nightmare I keep trying to wake up from but I just keep having it.
I watch for you to walk through the door and say "whats up mama, got five bucks."
I keep wanting to pick up the phone to call you like I always did if you didn't call me
first. I keep hearing your voice the last time I talked to you before you left
us and the last words I ever heard you say "I love you mama."

I don't know how to keep living Josh. Telling Steven was so hard, he is trying
to be so strong, and he is trying so hard to take care of me and make you proud.
I know I have to go on for him, I know he needs me here so I have to wait to
see you. If you ever need me just come to me and I will be there.

You are such a beautiful soul I was always so proud of you. I keep thinking back
to your party last year when we had a cake fight and I had your friends hold you down
and I smothered you in it. Or the time it was freezing cold and you ran and jumped in
the pool with your shoes and everything on because I told you you wouldn't.

I remember when you were born, the overwhelming powerful feeling of love
I had the first day I saw you and it just got stronger everyday. You taught me
what it meant to truly and completely love someone.You were a gift to me Josh
and I'm not ready to give you up. I need you, I don't know how to keep breathing
without you. I was at the bakery ordering your birthday cake while you were dying.
I'm so sorry Josh that I wasn't with you. I didn't know you needed me.
I would have taken my life and traded it for yours. You and your brother
are my life.

A mother is supposed to keep her children safe, I'm so sorry I failed you.I couldn't
fix your hurt this time. I'm so sorry, When I was at the hospital with you
I kep thinking I'm a nurse and I can't fix you. I don't know if I can ever be a nurse again
I couldn't save my own son, how can I fix another?

I hope you didn't hurt, I can't stand it, I hate that you got on that bike I begged you
to never ride one. Just two weeks ago you were talking to me about my smoking, you told me you couldn't make it with out me,
you said you wouldn't be able to stand it if something happened to me. You were not
supposed to go before me. A mother should never have to buy her son a coffin
on his birthday. I was supposed to die first.

I need you Joshie, your brother needs you. You told me you were going to be rich,
you told me you were going to take cruises every year.You said you were going to
be in forbes magazine someday. You promised me you would never move more
than 25 miles away from me. Your to far now Josh.

I was always so proud of you. Everytime you came in the room it lit up. I used to look at you and think I can't believe he's mine. Thank you Josh for being my son. Thank you
for growing up with me. I know you didn't leave us on purpose.

Be free and happy, I will be strong for your brother, I love him so much too.
I promise I will quit smoking. I will keep you close always. Come to me and let me
feel you sometimes. Let me dream of you, let me hear your voice. This is so
hard Josh but I will be strong. I will see you in Heaven. Give Eric a hug for me,
tell him we love him and we miss him. Say hi to my Grandma too.
I know there is a special place in Heaven, save a spot for me
and I will meet you there soon.

To all of Joshuas friends here Thank you for being his friend, he loved you all.
To Will, his boss, Thank you for giving him a chance at America One,
he was happy and he loved it there. Please don't let josh die in vein,
all you kids, please don't ride street bikes. Josh said to me once
"what are the odds it would happen twice in the same family" Now I know,
we're two for two, please stay off the street bikes.

When josh was 2 years old and it was just the two of us, I dedicated a song
for him.(Simple man, Lynard Skynard) Every once in awhile I would have him
listen to it again. I know he would roll his eyes sometimes and say "oh know, I have
to listen to it again" Heres my song to you Josh, one last time I dedicate this song
to you. I love you Punky, with everything in me, I love you...................Love Mom
(written March 15 2004, Read at his service.)

Tormented deep within my mind.
This wall of pain I can not climb.
The future I can not see.
The presant means nothing to me.
The past is where my heart now dwells.
The days when everyone was well.

I now wait anxiously to see
the tunnel of light thats promised me.
When I see that ray of light I'll run
straight to the arms of my son..

Together we'll watch the Earth below
and wait for the rest to follow us home.

Our family again to be complete
The days there will again be peace.

(written April 4 2005, by Sharon)
(copyright@2005)